The author of this book is Pan, a former psychology teacher of National Defense University, and a tutor of master students in applied psychology at the School of Psychology of Shanghai Sport University. YEATION columnist in Zhihu. With rich professional background, psychological case accumulation and writing ability.
As a mother, when reading this book, I gained more knowledge about parent-child relationship, family background and family education.
From the perspective of parenting, I selected nine experiments, which were divided into two categories: the importance of love and the importance of self-confidence.
First, the importance of love
Since ancient times, everyone knows the greatness of maternal love, and the importance of maternal love to children is also well known. However, no one really understands it through experiments. How important is maternal love? What kind of harm will the lack of maternal love bring to children?
The importance of maternal love begins from lactation. When breastfeeding, the mother's eyes, attitude and expression began to convey to the child, establishing a sense of security and acceptance.
From lactation (not limited to breastfeeding) to a child's whole adulthood, parents' love, understanding and respect for the child are the basis for him to build a strong self.
This is what people often say: a good childhood can cure a lifetime. Love is the initial source of children's sense of security.
This book proves the importance of love through several experiments, and how serious the consequences will be if it is missing.
1, rhesus monkey experiment
After the little monkey was forced to be separated from his mother, he attached himself to the "mother" of the marmoset without milk, instead of the mother of the silk monkey with milk, because the marmoset felt more like his mother. This experiment proves that animals' desire for affection is not entirely for survival, but also for love.
In the experiment, we also followed these little monkeys who were forced to be separated from their mothers since childhood. When you grow up, it is difficult to integrate into the monkey group, and many of them are full of aggression or psychological problems.
Maslow, a representative of social psychology, said that the need for security belongs to the second level. It is also a basic requirement.
In the experiment, the little monkey went to the wire mother to drink milk, and after drinking milk, he would return to the flannel mother without milk. This behavior can meet the needs of these three levels, the importance of physiological needs, the needs of safety and the needs of love. Is essential.
2. Stranger scene experiment
Through this experiment, children's attachment to their mothers can be divided into three types: safety type, avoidance type and anxiety type. Experiments tell us that giving children enough sense of security and trust in childhood and establishing good communication relations have a great influence on their future growth.
* Safe attachment: Mom can play around with peace of mind, keep eye contact with her, and strangers can adapt quickly when they are close. After my mother left, I was anxious but calm, trying to find my mother. After mom came back, her anxiety disappeared, and she stopped crying and playing, as if nothing had happened.
* When this type of child grows up, it is easy to build trust with others and be good at interpersonal communication.
* Avoidance type: It doesn't matter whether mom is here or not and whether there are strangers. Mom is like transparency. When such children grow up, it is difficult to establish trust or close relationship with others.
* Anxiety type: Mother's every move is seen by the child, so she can't concentrate on playing. When her mother leaves, she will be in pain, cry and even get angry. When her mother came back, she wanted to hug her and pushed her away angrily. Be wary and hostile to strangers. Such children will be overly dependent on others when they grow up, which will lead to a very tense relationship with others.
3. Cotton candy experiment
Nowadays, parents advocate self-discipline and delayed gratification education, thinking that it is good for children, but they misunderstand delayed gratification, thinking that no matter what children want, they have to wait or complete a task to satisfy them, which leads to psychological scarcity. Psychological scarcity is not material scarcity, but more emotional scarcity. Children will think that my parents can't meet my needs in time and feel insecure.
4. Albert Jr. Experiment
This experiment is about the fatal effect of fear on children. Fear will prevent children's mental growth. For children who grow up in fear every day, they will be extremely immature and even affect their lives when they grow up. In the final analysis, it is the importance of safety.
The best way to cure fear is to say it. It sounds simple, but not all people who are afraid can do it. This is because the language expression area of the brain and the amygdala (fear) cannot work at the same time. Just like that little girl didn't talk for a long time after the Tangshan earthquake.
Second, the importance of self-confidence
Now all kinds of chickens, babies and cows, early education interest classes, the education of the whole child is full of involution. But what is really suitable is good, and many good grades do not mean that it is good in the end. Because on the road to growth, what is more important than learning is how to face failure.
Nowadays, the proportion of children's depression is increasing, so tragedies caused by it also occur frequently. Everyone knows that self-confidence is very important in parenting education, but many parents are depriving their children of self-confidence step by step.
"This is all wrong. How did you learn it? " "Look at people, who is better than you!" And so on are all angry words that we can't help saying every day.
However, it is often said that parents vent their anxiety, but children have nowhere to vent, and they can only determine that they are not as good as others step by step.
Several experiments in the book illustrate the different effects of this problem.
1, twin climbing experiment:
Learning is a prerequisite. Learning early will not only hinder children from learning early, but also dampen their self-confidence and initiative in learning.
2, electric shock experiment:
Under the stick comes a dutiful son. What you think of as a good boy is a kind of harm to him. Children need the understanding of their parents. Repeated emphasis on children's obedience will only make children suppress themselves and produce psychological distortion.
3, cognitive dissonance experiment:
Just like gaslight effect, there will be gaslight effect in parent-child relationship. Parents put on the coat of love for their children's unintentional PUA, so that the children finally think that it is their own problem, and always lose their correct self-awareness, feel extremely inferior, and cannot judge and think independently.
4. Rosenthal effect:
"None of this will happen" and "How can you be so stupid?" There are too many such words, which are attached to the child's head like spells, sealing up his room for progress.
5. Learned helplessness:
In other words, giving children too much pressure, no matter what they do, is a kind of criticism, so they won't work hard again. No matter how hard you try, you will become learned helplessness. Changing this state is to experience success again, so-called taking a step back and broadening the horizon.