When I was a child and visited my cousin’s house, what I was most afraid of was the room where my cousin’s grandmother lived. The old lady was as thin as a dead tree and her ears were deaf. That's actually not terrible. What really scares me is her state of waiting to die. Every day from the time I open my eyes in the morning until I close them at night, I just sit and sit on the bed. At meal time, I eat the food brought by my children and grandchildren. When I need to go to the toilet, I shake and swish out of the house, and my children and grandchildren help me. At other times, no one communicated with her, and she did not communicate with anyone.
Of course, this example is a bit extreme and not typical enough. Most of the elderly are conscious and can take care of themselves, and most of the children are concerned about the elderly's mental and emotional state and try to stay with them as much as possible.
However, the inner loneliness and emptiness of the elderly cannot actually be solved by these. Most elderly people may not be very wealthy materially, but they can guarantee basic food and clothing. Just like my dad often said, "When people get old, how much can they eat?" Although most children often have conflicts and awkwardness with their parents, they still provide basic care, companionship, and giving red envelopes during festivals and festivals. Even if you are sick and hospitalized, you can actually do it all by spending money and effort. Of course, asking children to give more is nothing more.
So the question is, where does the loneliness and emptiness of the elderly come from? How to solve it?
01
I live in an old community. There are mostly old people in this building, some with children and some without.
One day when I was walking my dog, I happened to see the old man on the first floor throwing a bag of garbage out of the fence of his small yard. The movement seems to be quite smooth, I must be used to it. In fact, he just opened the door and walked twenty meters to the trash can. However, the garbage bag was thrown out, and all kinds of sticky kitchen waste were thrown on a white car parked outside the fence. The old man just looked at it, then turned around and walked in expressionlessly. It happened that a young couple came out of the building opposite. Seeing this scene, they rushed to argue. Listening to my wife's angrily scolding, I knew this was not the first time that garbage had been dumped on the car. The old man said confidently: "I just like to throw it away. The cleaners will collect it and you can't control it. You are great if you have a car." In the end, the young couple gave up. The husband took out the rag and wiped it with angrily. "If it weren't for your age, I would have taken action." The old man was aroused and insisted on coming out to compete with the young people.
There lives a single old lady in her 80s on the second floor. She has a bad back and always stoops when walking. Once I saw her struggling to carry a bucket of water upstairs, I quickly helped her carry it up, and we got to know each other after that. Knowing that she lived here alone, I told her that if she needed help, she could come upstairs and call us. After that, she called us several times, and it happened to be night time, so my husband quickly put down his job and went to help, which was nothing more than lifting a bed and moving a cabinet. One day, she knocked on the door very loudly. When she opened the door, she felt that her tone was not right. She angrily asked my husband to go down and take a look, saying that her toilet was clogged. My husband quickly followed. It took me a while to come back, and while I was washing my hands, my face looked wrong. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that the old lady thought it was our fault that her toilet was clogged. He didn't say a single word of thanks and got angry at him. I was speechless for a moment. Our family lived on the third floor, but it was neither just mine nor the one above hers. What’s more, there were three floors above the third floor. I really don’t know how she put this blame on us.
02
As people get older, will their mentality become more uneven? I dare not say for sure. After all, I haven’t had the opportunity to have in-depth contact with the elderly since I was a child, and I don’t understand them well. It’s just that judging from the changes in my parents over the years, my mother, who was originally open-minded and humorous, has become more and more fond of talking about right and wrong, and will cry while talking. She is very similar to my mother who loves talking about right and wrong all her life, and loves to cry even more. The aunt. My father, who suppressed his emotions and was not good at expressing himself when he was young, became more and more fond of breaking things as he got older. He would not wash his hair or shave his face all day long, allowing himself to look sloppy.
I think this may happen when negative thoughts accumulate and solidify to a certain extent. Everyone not only lives in a physical house made of tangible bricks and tiles, but also lives in an atrium composed of invisible personal thoughts. The visible house needs to be cleaned regularly to live comfortably, and the invisible heart needs to be purified in time to achieve peace and tranquility.
If a person never pays attention to his thoughts or observes his own mentality throughout his life, what will be the result? Referring to the frequently seen article on the Internet, "The tenant who has lived here for ten years left, the landlord opened the door... and chose to call the police." The result must be that the mentality is getting more and more unfair, right? In movies, we often see some old people with gray hair and childlike faces who give guidance to others. An old man who possesses real wisdom in life must not be a natural masterpiece of time. Experience plus a heart that constantly comprehends experience equals wisdom. Otherwise, every good situation will only bring you pride, and every adversity will only bring you frustration. When time passes to the end, apart from an ups and downs and uneven mentality, what else can you expect to gain?
Moreover, in old age, it is the time when people most need to face their own hearts. Therefore, the pain will naturally be doubled.
What are the problems that the elderly need to face most? In fact, we all know it well, that is, we are getting closer and closer to death. We can't blind ourselves with "there are more wonderful things waiting for you", that's the business of young people. At this time, without careers, dreams, and all kinds of hopes that seem wonderful but are actually illusory, it is really easy for the elderly to discover the fact of "dying." It's really a huge fear. When I was 4 years old, I saw for the first time a scene where someone died on TV. I asked my mother, what is death? She told me that to die is to have nothing left. I asked her, will I die too? She said, yes, everyone will die. I was so scared that I cried. The adults were all laughing. Later, every once in a while, the fear of death would arise. Every time this happened, I would scream out of control and bury my head deep in the quilt. The fear of death, especially the fear of losing everything after death, can be deeply felt by even a 4-year-old child, let alone an elderly person?
Therefore, things that are mindful of the heart and can make the heart peaceful can bring happiness to the elderly and are what the elderly need most.
03
If your old man can read and write, or even has some literary talent, try to guide him to recall his life and write about his life experiences. We all know that old people love to reminisce about the past. It’s just that most people have never thought about why they love to recall the past so much? It's because they have accumulated too many thoughts in their hearts, negative, positive, and faceless. They want to find someone to talk to but have never found a suitable audience or opportunity to say them. This makes them panic and anxious. Find an outlet to pour out these thoughts and find inner peace. No one wants to calm down before the deadline. Therefore, many death row prisoners unanimously chose to repent before being executed. Many young people who were sentenced to death by hospitals also began to seriously reflect on their lives. At this time, writing was their first choice. If you read the "Life Diary" left by Yu Juan, a 32-year-old female doctor who died of breast cancer before she died, you will deeply understand the meaning of "a person who is about to die must speak kindly".
No one really expects to be published and record all the moments that they can remember in their later years. In the process, they will cry, laugh, be moved, be angry, feel guilty, and have introspection. , this is enough. For most elderly people, this may be the last meaningful thing in their lives.
The next best thing is to join some elderly clubs that are purely for hobbies, such as photography, calligraphy, flower gardening, Tai Chi, etc. Of course, it’s better to have hobbies that can make you happy, because happiness can nourish your heart, and in a society whose purpose is to nourish your heart, you have a higher chance of meeting a confidant in life. For the elderly, the confidants and friends they meet after retirement are not utilitarian and easier to talk to, which is very rare and precious. In the same way, if you are in some noisy social situations such as mahjong parlors and health care product stores, all you can find are "mahjong hookups" and sales hackers, which are more likely to cause trouble to the elderly themselves and their families.
If you really don’t want to go out, your children can also buy suitable equipment related to their hobbies, so that the elderly can enjoy themselves at home. The elderly are often reluctant to let their children spend money, and always reject their children's suggestions to buy this or that. But for children who are really observant, if they find out the old man's hobbies and buy suitable equipment, it will actually be easy for the old man to develop a hobby.
Ever since my second sister couldn't help but replace my dad's mobile phone with a smartphone, my dad fell in love with Kugou karaoke. He not only listens to and sings on his phone every day, but also collects the military uniforms he left behind when he was young. After uploading the photos, I gathered a group of veterans from the karaoke group and chatted happily every day. Therefore, study the hobbies of the elderly and show your filial piety to the best of your ability.
04
Elderly people who have just retired, especially those who have a certain level of education and have certain qualifications before retirement, can easily feel a sense of loss when they retire. The children look at their depressed parents and feel anxious in their hearts. They always want to make the old people happy again as soon as possible. Therefore, they are always busy trying to get their parents to do something and have fun as soon as possible. Actually, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Since retiring and starting old age life is a life stage that everyone (actually, not everyone) must go through, then the sense of loss is what everyone must face. Making decisions at this stage actually has its own advantages, such as facing one's true heart and being closer to death, so it is easier to see through and let go. Therefore, give them more time. Some old people can really figure out some things during this period, so that they can be better in their later years. It is time to change the past style and choose to truly be yourself. At this time, happiness in old age is natural, and this kind of happiness is not a passive choice under the kindness of children or the pressure of one's own loss, but an active choice in one's own heart, which is even more rare.
05
Of course, it is best if you can have faith. Facing your true heart and life and death are the irreplaceable advantages of faith. The film "Kang Rinpoche" directed by Zhang Yang records the one-year pilgrimage of a team of 11 people. The biggest wish of Tibetan elder Yang Pei in his life is to worship the sacred mountain Kailash before his death. The nephew decided to help his uncle realize his dream. When people in the village heard the news, they joined in one after another. There is a pregnant woman who is about to give birth, a 6-year-old girl, a butcher who wants to atone for his sins, etc. When they kowtowed all the way to the Jokhang Temple in Lhasa, their faces were dirty but their hearts were pure. Needless to say, there were hardships and difficulties in the process, but everyone was pious and determined. This kind of determination allows them to never retreat or feel pain. Is there anything in this world that is more worthy of having than a faith that continuously provides people with strength?
When Yang Pei finally died on the night he arrived at Kailash, he was peaceful and calm. How powerful is faith? Zhang Yang doesn’t know, and neither do I. If you are interested in understanding and getting closer, maybe one day you can tell me the answer.