For Zhao Xuefeng, it is a fait accompli to go from a respected leading cadre to a corrupt figure accused by ten thousand people, but it is a long and difficult process to make him fully accept this reality. On 2001May 10, due to my age, the provincial party committee decided that I would no longer serve as the secretary of the municipal party committee, but as the full-time director of the National People's Congress. I feel relieved and relaxed, looking forward to landing safely and returning to ordinary people smoothly. However, the ruthless fact that "it backfires" and "I will be caught if I don't reach out" broke my dream. Shortly after I went to work in the National People's Congress, the Municipal Party Committee recommended Feng Zhuping, director of the Municipal Finance Bureau, as a candidate for deputy mayor when looking for new team members and considering enriching the municipal government team accordingly. Due to the strong reaction of cadres and the masses to their economy and work style, the provincial party Committee did not agree. Subsequently, Feng Zhuping was investigated by the Provincial Commission for Discipline Inspection. There is no smoke without fire. Before and after Feng Zhuping was investigated, there were many discussions about the economic exchanges between my family and Feng Zhuping, which made me even more afraid. I was uneasy at work and agitated after work, and spent an unforgettable time of internal and external difficulties, mixed praise and exhaustion. The understanding and attitude towards one's violation of discipline and law has also gone through a long process from passive confrontation, trying to get away with it, to a thorough account, and trying to take a lenient road. This process can be roughly divided into three stages:
From 2001101October 18 to 20011February 1 6, my understanding and attitude are mainly: inner tension, plugging loopholes, passive coping,
After dinner, my wife Zhang Jinmei and I went out for a walk. As soon as we went out, someone told me that Feng Zhuping was a "two rules". As the saying goes, "Blowing in the middle of the night is shocking." Hearing this, I was shocked, and my interest in walking was completely gone. I turned around and went home at once. At this time, on the one hand, I tried to pretend to be serious, imagining that Feng Zhuping would not talk nonsense about his economic exchanges with me; On the one hand, I am nervous and afraid of "pulling up the radish and bringing out the mud", thus exposing my own problems. Therefore, out of a self-protection instinct, and more importantly, fearing being investigated by the organization, my family and I carried out a series of activities to confront and deceive the organization, which made me feel sad and regret.
-set the tone of the picture frame and build a strong psychological defense line. My wife, Lao Zhang, and I urgently called our eldest son and daughter-in-law, and immediately called our second son and daughter-in-law who worked in other places, asking them to go home for the so-called "investigation". At that time, I mistakenly thought that "it is better to talk less than to talk less, and it is better not to talk." The "investigation" first focused on the economic exchanges with Feng Zhuping and the Finance Bureau, and then locked five things worth 4,600 yuan that Feng Zhuping gave me, including three calligraphy works. The statement of these five things is further locked. Try not to involve me. Although this kind of psychological defense line is out of a kind of "self-protection", it is actually a kind of sadness, which not only collapses, but also makes it impossible for me and my family to cross it and loses many opportunities to strive for initiative.
-unify the caliber and conclude an offensive and defensive alliance. At that time, I asked the whole family not to talk nonsense, no matter what happened, except for the above five questions. For these five questions, the other distorted the facts, fabricated lies, unified the caliber, and formed an offensive and defensive alliance. I not only made an offensive and defensive alliance with my family on these five issues, but also lied to my family that I was trading power and money and taking bribes, which of course deceived the organization. This is something I have been worried about.
-plug loopholes and confront organizational investigations. In order to pretend to take the initiative and wash my "innocent" body, I made oral and written reports on the above five issues on 2001104 and 15 respectively, which made me feel that my problems were not serious and won their sympathy and support. Subsequently, I returned the three calligraphy works that Feng Zhuping gave me to the Municipal Commission for Discipline Inspection. Let the family members return the 4600 yuan clothes ticket sent by Feng Zhuping to the discipline inspection and supervision office of the Municipal State Taxation Bureau, and write down the date of the forward refund ... and mistakenly think that it will never happen as long as it is returned, and don't say it at any time. Now it seems that facts are facts. To plug this hole, shattered glass, we can only shoot ourselves in the foot.
During this time, my family was calm on the surface, but actually panicked. Think about this thing is wrong, but it is difficult to explain clearly; The whole family will discuss it for a while and do it separately for a while; It is estimated that the problem is not serious for the time being; After a while, I was very nervous. This is really a panic, a mess. What normal work and life order can be discussed?
From 200 1, 12, 17 to February 2, 2002, my understanding and attitude were mainly: I must take my chances, keep fighting, stick to my own opinions and miss opportunities repeatedly.
It took about two months from when Feng Zhuping was investigated to when the leaders of the Provincial Discipline Inspection Commission talked with me. It should be said that the organization is extremely patient with my waiting. However, I am obsessed with ghosts and "sleep until I wake up naturally", and I have never been able to clearly and actively take the step of completely explaining to the organization and resolutely returning money. In spite of this, the organization still cares about me, saves me, waits, inspires and urges me to realize it. It talked to me four times in a month and a half and gave me four opportunities. However, I still stick to the psychological defense line established at the beginning, with a poor sense of smell, slow response and stubborn opinions, which turned the expectations of leaders into disappointment again and again, let opportunities slip away from me again and again, and let me go further and further on the wrong road, leaving lifelong regrets.
I lost four opportunities, which put me in a dilemma and got deeper and deeper. I was in a "state of checks and balances" with the organization, and lost the motivation and opportunity to take the initiative to attack, which laid the foundation for my later being "two rules". People who know me feel sorry, heartbroken and angry for me; I don't know what I want. I regret it more myself. But think about it carefully, it is inevitable that I was in that kind of understanding and attitude at that time. Alas! Every man is his own worst enemy. If I violate the law and discipline because I don't grasp myself well, then I often miss the opportunity because I can't beat myself. There is really no rehearsal in life, only opportunity! I failed to live up to the expectations of the leaders of the Provincial Party Committee and the Provincial Discipline Inspection Commission, and cheated the leaders many times. Take this opportunity to apologize to the leader and express deep remorse.
From February 3, 2002 to now, my understanding and attitude is: seize the opportunity, face the reality, explain thoroughly and strive for leniency.
It has been written above that there is a month and a half before and after talking with my four organizations. Originally, the way out was very clear, with plenty of time and opportunities at any time, more than four times? ! But on the one hand, I have the opportunity not to grasp, I have the right way not to go; On the one hand, I feel like a "cat on hot bricks" and a "headless fly", bumping around everywhere and unable to find it. On the afternoon of February 3, 2002, the comrades of the Provincial Commission for Discipline Inspection announced to me the organizational decision to implement the "two regulations" for me. This is a bolt from the blue for me. I suddenly feel that I am finished, and my world seems to have completely changed. Complaints, regrets, guesses and pessimism suddenly come to my mind, and I have mixed feelings, and I really feel lonely, helpless, stressed and sad. However, the comrades who handled the case seriously told me that the leaders of the provincial party Committee and government were very concerned about me, and the four opportunities given to me in front were lost, but they did not abandon me. This "two rules" is my fifth and last chance. I should cherish the opportunity, actively cooperate, explain thoroughly and take the road of leniency. "Some kind words awakened the dreamer", and the organizational words were like a wake-up call, which completely awakened me. I sincerely feel that the leaders of the provincial party committee and the provincial discipline inspection commission are really forbearing and caring for me.
It stands to reason that I should be investigated for legal responsibility on the basis of one or two bribery problems, and I have nothing to say. Now, still give me a chance, give me a policy, give me a way out, I am not a grass, who can be ruthless? I completely shaken my inner defensive alliance and psychological defense line from the soul, and finally chose the bright road of being proactive, striving for leniency, repentance and rehabilitation.
In the days of "discipline", I was tortured by my soul. I have to face life and my own problems, and I have to treat organizational conversations calmly and frankly. We should not only know ourselves deeply and dissect ourselves mercilessly, but also reflect on ourselves painfully and judge ourselves seriously. I sometimes feel that the "two rules" is a trial without a court, and my conscience is a judge; My conscience and conscience are judged by the comrades handling the case on behalf of the provincial party Committee and the provincial discipline inspection commission. I wrote a few words in my diary to express my feelings: "the leader cared about the way out, but never woke up after losing the opportunity;" After the "two rules", I will be educated and try to stop voluntarily. "
To sum up, my understanding and attitude during this period are: First, make up your mind. Determined to completely explain the problem, resolutely refund the money, and strive for leniency. Therefore, in contrast to the party discipline and state law, I plead guilty to illegal issues; Violation of discipline, I admit my mistake; Family problems, I admit. Explain the problem, adhere to the "two no matter one thoroughly", that is, regardless of the size of the problem, regardless of the severity of the treatment, thoroughly explain the problem, open your heart to the organization and come clean. The second is to seize two opportunities. After I am punished, all kinds of problems in Huai 'an will be fully exposed, which is also an opportunity for me to comprehensively examine my past. Therefore, I will seize the fifth opportunity given to me by the organization, thoroughly explain the problem and strive for leniency; We should also seize the opportunity to fully expose our own problems and thoroughly liquidate and wash ourselves. The third is to speed up the three transformations. It is to explain the problem from small to large, from point to surface, from shallow to deep. The fourth is to sort out four problems. Mainly focus on turning officialdom into a market and exchanging power for money; Do not be an official, trade power and money; Poor backyard management and unhealthy family style; The second part of this review will focus on four aspects: accepting gifts, accepting bribes and sliding into the abyss. The fifth is to show five attitudes. Confess to the party and the people, confess guilt, and aspire to turn over a new leaf, thoroughly remould oneself, repent and turn over a new leaf; Explain the problem thoroughly; Profound review; Resolutely return the money that should not be taken to the organization; I sincerely hope that the organization can combine my leniency according to my attitude and physical condition.
I deeply feel that as a sinner, the "two rules" have put me under unspeakable mental pressure, but they have inspired me to learn by myself and review all aspects. This is a process of seeking truth, goodness and beauty according to the requirements of party discipline and state law, a process of saving one's soul, and a process of returning to one's nature as a cadre and farmer's child in party member. What is left to me all my life is unforgettable, painful and bitter memories. More importantly, it made me understand the true meaning of being a man, living and myself. I firmly believe that although there is no regret medicine, there is a way back. You can't change the facts, but you can change your attitude; You can't predict the future, but you can grasp today! This is an eternal lesson and an eternal revelation.
At one time, Zhao Xuefeng was also full of ideals and ambitions, and made some achievements in his own work, and stepped onto the leadership position step by step. But gradually, he relaxed his demands on himself, used his power to protect his wife and children and seek personal gain, and got deeper and deeper into the abyss of crime.