I'm not a master either, but I read more ancient poems. I'll give you some advice. Let's study together.
First of all, you didn't write a lawyer, so I won't talk much about level play and confrontation, but I will express my humble opinion on the artistic conception and expressed emotion of each sentence for your reference.
The first sentence, the artistic conception of the performance is very atmospheric, giving people a tragic and desolate feeling. But in this sentence, the word Yang needs to be scrutinized. What's that noise in the rustling wind? Lack of a clear object, if it is a song, then the contrast between the song and the wind is too great. The singing is hard to hear in the rustling wind. The word "rustling wind" is intended to express autumn scenery, which is in contradiction with the following spring scenery and needs to be excavated. Because the wind in spring is rarely described by rustling, it is generally described by spring breeze, spring breeze blowing gently, spring breeze warming and so on.
The second sentence, no problem, good.
In the third sentence, the oblique swallow is a form, and it can't be pecked when flying. Language logic needs to be refined. What do you mean by pecking at tears? What are you pecking at? It's vague.
The fourth sentence expresses a very happy look, which is incompatible with the tears in front and the loneliness behind, and there are many contradictions. The whole sentence needs to be revised.
The fifth sentence, leaning, generally refers to leaning, such as leaning alone on a diagonal bar, where the word leaning needs to be modified. The word "death in the south" lacks momentum, which is a bit out of place with the previous wind and rustling in artistic conception.
Sixth sentence, what kind of boat is a hidden boat? Not easy to understand.
The seventh sentence, it is not easy to understand if you hate less. What does this mean?
The eighth sentence, looking back at the bright moon, turns too fast. Why did you suddenly arrive at night? Lack of necessary transition.
Young man, I have given you so much advice. I wonder if you can agree? If you feel sad when writing this poem, then according to this idea, with autumn as the background, I will revise it for you, which is considered as communication.
Yun Fei paradise is breezy.
Qingzhiju Huayan yaoyu
Fly south obliquely, say goodbye sadly.
When will spring come back and smile heartily?
Leaning against the inclined fence to send away the photos.
Thousand-mile canoe crossing the stream bridge
Tears are speechless to watch the sunset.
Looking back at the bright moon, I am at ease.
Hehe, the change is not very good either. Let's talk about it.