The common education methods used by Chinese parents are nagging, preaching, beating and scolding, and criticizing, but they do not know how to praise. Recognition and praise can improve children's sense of value and are essential spiritual nutrients for children as they grow.
Parents should develop a habit of praising whenever they open their mouths. When we want to criticize others, we shut up first, and when we want to praise others, we express them. Before talking about the specific methods of praise, I have a few important points to share with you.
The first point is that praise does not mean that children cannot be criticized and punished. Praise, criticism or punishment are both educational tools. Praise is to enhance children's sense of value, self-affirmation and definition. Criticism is to allow children to distinguish right from wrong. However, praise or criticism cannot be blindly used. Praise must be correct, and criticism must be correct.
The second point of view is that praise is not a method, but a mental method. Praise and communication skills are the acceptance and respect of the child's life and the confirmation of the child's identity and personality. Praise is a matter of heart, not words, not routines, and not deception.
The third point of view is that it is not that children need to be praised for their good behavior, but that they will behave well only after being praised and recognized. Praise is only relevant to you and has nothing to do with your child's behavior. If all you see are shortcomings, no matter what others do, you will not be satisfied. If you know how to appreciate and recognize others, no matter how bad people are, they can all shine.
Literally understood, praise can be divided into two parts. One part is called expression, which is how to convey the correct information to the other party and into the other party's heart. The second part is called Yang, which means carrying forward. That is to say, the point where you appreciate and agree with is called Yang.
Next, I will share with you specific methods of praising children. The first is called the direct praise method, which is to directly express the impression of the child, the appreciation of the child, and the affirmation of the child.
What is direct compliment? By praising the first point directly, you can praise your child's efforts. When a child takes action and works hard and achieves good results, we do not praise him for being smart or great, but praise his behavior, his dedication and hard work. You can say that his efforts finally achieved good results, proving that the hard work was worthwhile. This shows that anything will have good results as long as you work in the right direction. He is a child who is willing to give.
It is to praise his efforts and actions, and focus the praise on the behaviors he can control, not on the objective status quo that cannot be changed. You can't always praise your child for being smart or having a high IQ. Intelligence and intelligence are beyond his control. If you always praise them, your child will feel that he is really smart and he can get good results without working hard.
The second point is to praise the child’s perseverance and character. When a child completes a difficult or challenging thing through hard work, or when a child fails and does not give up, you can praise the child's perseverance.
You can say that he is a child who perseveres to the end, a child who is never defeated by difficulties, and a child who never gives up. Although things were difficult, he never thought about giving up, etc. This is to praise the child's character, being very perseverant, never giving up, and persevering. We can praise the child for this.
The third point is to praise the child’s attitude. When the child's emotions are quickly adjusted, when the child can face things optimistically, when the child expresses positivity and optimism, you can identify and confirm the child. For example, you can tell your child that he never complains to others when he feels wronged. When he is misunderstood by others, he can calmly explain to others. He is always so optimistic and positive, facing everything with a sunny attitude.
Without your careful reminder, parents may have messed up this matter. This is called praising the details of their children. We can find points to praise the child in a certain detail, a certain link, a certain thing or a sentence, etc. This is called praising the child's details.
The fifth point is to praise the child’s love. When children take the initiative to help others, when children take the initiative to complete housework, when children express concern for their parents, you can confirm the child's love and personality in time. For example, you are such a caring and good child. Thank you for doing so many things for your parents. Thank you for your concern for your parents. Your concern shines on us like the sun. It is so warm. This is called praise. The love of children.
The above five points are called direct praise, and they are also the specific methods of praising children that I will share with you today.
To summarize the specific methods of praising children, the first one is direct praise. There are five points in direct praise: the first point is to praise the child's efforts; the second point is to praise the child's character; the third point is to praise the child's attitude; the fourth point is to praise the child's details; the fifth point is to praise the child's love.
The third specific method of praising children is called factual proof and substantive praise. I would like to share with you the following aspects. The first point is called strong evidence, let the children know what is good, find out the factual basis, and let the children see their own good points.
In fact, the details of praising children we just mentioned above are also what we call factual proof. For example, if a child writes a page of small words, even if there is one word that is beautifully written, you have to find it. This word deserves praise. You say this character is well written. What do you think is good about it? Horizontally and vertically, I seem to see the calligrapher's words, which is to find out the facts.
Many times, we hear children say: Tsk, stop fooling me. What you said is so false. This is because we have not found any basis for facts or evidence. We need to give our children evidence so that they can feel in their hearts that your words are true. Why do children think what you say is false? It means that your words lack factual basis and have nothing substantial to give him.
This is the first point we talk about, which is called strong evidence. The second point is that when praising and approving children, you must have a firm tone, use affirmative words, and have appropriate physical contact. For example, if you want to boldly try this sentence, when you express this sentence, you must have a firm tone and affirmative words. If you can do it, you must have no problem. I say you can do it. It will definitely work, you can be bold and try it. These affirmative modalities are very important.
In the process of communication, use more affirmative words and less default tone and ambiguous words. Through the power of language and the adjustment of tone, children’s power is conveyed. Give your child an occasional hug, pat on the back, and stroke his hair. These physical contacts allow children to feel the power transmitted by their parents, and the effect will be doubled. Physical contact allows children to feel the trust, approval and strength conveyed by their parents.
The third point is to use a third party to express praise for the child. Of course, the third party must be authoritative and influential to the child. If there is no third party, parents can shape it in front of their children. For example, a child likes to borrow words from a person they trust very much. For example, if a child’s favorite teacher says something, the child will be very excited, right? Your relatives, such as the child's uncle, if the child particularly admires and likes the uncle, you can use the uncle as a third party to praise, and the intensity will be better.
The fourth point is uniqueness praise, which should show its uniqueness. The language formula of uniqueness praise is shared with everyone. The format is, you are the most kind of person I have ever met. Please think about this sentence carefully. You are the most giving child I have ever seen, the most sensible child, a child who loves learning and can do his own things well. This is uniqueness, this is the universal formula. What kind of person are you the most beautiful person I have ever met? We must learn to celebrate her uniqueness.
The fifth point is called unexpected praise. What is unexpected praise? For example, if the first person sees a beautiful woman and says, ah, you are so beautiful, you are so beautiful, it means that this person is very discerning, right? The second person who saw her still said, Hey, you are so beautiful, you are so beautiful, and she felt very ordinary, right? If a third person still says you are beautiful after meeting her, that's it, that's not ordinary, he's an idiot. So you have to find the unexpected place for praise. Here is the formula for unexpected praise to share with everyone.
This formula is actually a question of choosing words and making sentences. It is not only how and how, but also what the sentence pattern is. Take the example of complimenting a beautiful woman just now. How should you say it? It can be said that you are not only beautiful, but also very kind and modest. I am really happy to be your friend. Did you see that? This is not only praising what everyone can see, but also the parts that cannot be seen. This is called unexpected praise. This formula is very useful, not only for primary school students, but also for choosing words and making sentences.
I just shared with you two methods of praise. The first is direct praise, and the second is factual praise. That is, when a child makes good results, has good performance, and shows unique advantages, we must confirm it in time and express our approval.
Direct praise and factual praise are the most basic skills that every parent and teacher must master to praise their children.
This kind of praise is not high-level, because it is a compliment after something happened and a supplement after it happened.
Next, I will share with you what uniform praise is. Everything in the world is in a relationship of opposition, dependence, and mutual transformation. Wherever there are advantages, there are so-called shortcomings, there are long and short, big and small, good and bad. These are the same as the advantages and disadvantages of children, opposite and unified.
When a child performs well, excessive praise and praise can easily make him proud. We usually hope that children will be modest, but how can we unify humility with pride and complacency? As the saying goes, when the moon is full, it will lose, and when the water is full, it will gain. How to prevent children from being proud after being praised for their good performance requires every parent to learn and research.
Everything has a degree. How to grasp this degree? Let me give you an example. When a child gets good grades, what should we do if we praise the child but worry about him becoming complacent? Many parents will say that you did well in the test this time, but you should not be proud. People praise their children in a picky way. It looks like praise, but in reality it is worry and fear. The final result is that the child will definitely be proud.
If we change our thinking, will the effect be different? You said that your son did very well in the exam this time. Your mother is very proud, and your father is also proud of you, not only because you got good grades, but also because of your attitude of not being proud even if you got good grades. This unites good grades and not being proud. The same logic: Son, what impresses my mother most about you is not your intelligence, but that you can be so humble at the same time, without being proud at all. This unifies intelligence and humility.
Let’s look at how to unify failing in the exam with not giving up. For example, your child only got 60 points in the test this time. You can tell your child, son, although you got 60 points in the test this time, your mother will not worry because she knows that you are a child who will not give up studying. You are my Born, I know you best. This not only gives the child a sufficient sense of security, but also gives him a reassurance that he will not give up even if he fails in the exam.
Did you see it? You have already made predictions for your children before things happen. In his mother's mind, he is a child who will not give up even if he scores 60 points in the test. When your child gets 60 points in the next test, he will not be sad or feel inferior because you have given him enough trust and security. You have defined him as a child who never gives up, so when things go wrong next time, he will still be there. Keep working hard and slowly grow into the kid we want to be who never gives up.
This is called unity praise. What do regular parents generally say about the common conflict between older children and second children? We all criticize and accuse our brother, right? Like, can you please give in to your brother? Can you be like an older brother, can you let us worry less, etc. In fact, in this process, we can also find ways to praise children, using unified praise. At this time, you can tell Dabao, "Dabao!" What your parents are most proud of is that you are not only able to be independent, but more importantly, you take care of yourself while also taking care of your younger brother. Did you see that? This is unity.
He can take good care of himself and his younger brother. While he loves himself, he can also care and help his younger brother. This is unified. His younger brother is not as sensible as he is, but he has never been with his younger brother. Calculate. He is really a tolerant brother, a sensible, humble brother who can take care of his younger brother. This is a unified compliment. We unified my brother's personal independence with shared care. Such praise can guide the child in the direction in which he should grow.
Before talking about specific methods of praising children, we have sorted out three important points. The first point is that praise does not mean that criticism and punishment cannot be given. The second is that praise is not a method but a mental method. The third thing is not to praise children only after good behavior, but after we give children enough praise and recognition, children will behave well. These three core points must be understood deeply before praising children.
Summarize three specific methods of praising children: the first is called direct praise, the second is called factual praise, and the third is called unified praise.