Find out who the other party is first
In interpersonal communication, China people should first find out who the other person is. China people think that "talented people get twice the result with half the effort" and "everything depends on human effort", so it is difficult to treat people with things, so people and things are often linked. In China society, every time you hear a sentence, if you don't know who said it, it is difficult to judge whether it is right or wrong, whether it is true or not. It can be seen that figuring out who the other person is is the first step in interpersonal communication.
China people tend to "treat people differently" and treat people with different identities with different standards. If your position is higher than mine, then everything you say should be more correct; If you are equal to me, I will treat you with the attitude of "coming without indecent assault"; If your position is lower than mine, I won't bully the small with the big, but I will never allow you to commit "going up" with the "low".
In this way, China people seem to have no concept of right and wrong, but this is by no means the case. In China society, it is inappropriate for people with low status to refute people with high status. For example, what should you do if the boss wronged you? Supposedly, he will understand that it is his fault, not yours, but so what? As a boss, he should have wronged you through negligence, and naturally he felt quite humiliated.
When Chinese people lose face, the most important thing is to try to get back face. How to save his face? It's simple. I find fault with you wholeheartedly. As long as he catches you, his face will come back. He is bent on finding fault with you, and you really can't escape, because "to err is human", you will be caught by him sooner or later.
However, if you keep silent and say nothing after the boss wronged you, on the surface, you are humiliated, but it is not. Your boss will feel strange when he sees you say nothing: "What's wrong with this man? Have I wronged him? " Therefore, he naturally wanted to solve the mystery and found that he really wronged you and was good to you because of his inner guilt.
Generally speaking, your boss wronged you by accident. Few bosses deliberately reverse right and wrong. But if you are unlucky enough to meet such a boss, it is enough to prove that your boss has long been unable to tolerate you. What's the use of arguing in this case? Might as well find another job. "There is no one here, there is someone." If you have no other way, you'd better swallow it. Maybe your boss will see that you have resigned and be lenient, and will not take it to heart.
If you are unfortunate enough to meet a boss who is at a loss, this situation is very common, because it is not uncommon for incompetent people to be in high positions. When you meet such a boss, no matter how right you are, he may accuse you of sophistry. It is better to be quiet and do things well so as not to be caught by him.
A confused boss is not good, but a boss who knows right and wrong too well is also difficult to get along with. Because it is too clear, wayward people always think that their views are all right. Say you are wrong, you are wrong. No matter how many words you say, he will not change his original judgment. Arguing will only be red-faced and useless.
If your boss is not one of the above three people, then he didn't make a mistake unintentionally. This unintentional mistake should be forgiven. There is no need to embarrass the boss unreasonably. Silence should be used to imply that he has made a mistake, so that the boss can detect and correct himself.
If someone is in your position, but points out your mistakes and publicizes them everywhere, then you can take the initiative to find fault with him. This is not a matter of face, nor is it a sign of narrowness. If he finds out that you made a mistake and admonishes you face to face, although you may not be able to accept it for a while, since he is telling the truth and the starting point is for your own good, you will be grateful after all, so how can you hate him? But if he doesn't tell you, but spreads it everywhere, it will obviously embarrass you. People in China have always been interactive. You are good to me, and I will be good to you. On the contrary, don't blame me for being unkind if you are unkind. So you can only try your best to find his mistake, so publicize it and let him taste the same taste.
If someone is lower than you, but dares to criticize your fault behind your back, you can usually punish him without any worries; Moreover, the idea that "I was taught by others, and now I should teach others" can easily become an excuse for self-confidence. The whole thing is to make him understand the truth of being a man: if you have something to say, you'd better say it face to face, not behind your back.
Therefore, the measures you take should be different for different people. Ask who said it before you make a decision. This is a "classic" and how to respond is an individual's "right".
Because people in China are mainly people, everything can't be separated from people, that is, from interpersonal relationships. Besides, we have always attached importance to ethics and morality, and we are very concerned about people's status. It is always reasonable to see or hear a person, ask him what kind of person he is, and make different reactions according to his status. Only in this way can we establish a good relationship and further achieve the expected attempt. This is not a snob, as long as it is kept at a reasonable level, there is nothing wrong.
Old story
According to legend, Zheng Banqiao, a great calligrapher in Qing Dynasty, visited the abbot in a temple. Seeing his simple clothes, the abbot thought he was an ordinary layman, so he coldly said "sit down" and called the young monk "tea". During a conversation, the abbot felt that this man had an extraordinary speech, so he introduced Zheng Banqiao into the wing, said "sit down" and called the young monk "serve tea". Later, after detailed discussion, when it was learned that the bearer was Zheng Banqiao, one of the famous "Eight Eccentrics of Yangzhou", the abbot hurriedly invited him to the elegant and quiet abbot's room, repeatedly saying "please sit down" and ordering the young monk to "offer fragrant tea". Finally, the abbot repeatedly begged Zheng Banqiao to write an inscription as a souvenir. Zheng Banqiao thought for a moment and wrote a couplet. The first part is "please sit down, please sit down, please sit down"; The bottom line is "tea, tea, fragrant tea". When the abbot saw this scene, he was ashamed and apologized to Zheng Banqiao again and again.
This story is usually used to satirize the snobbery of the abbot. In fact, the abbot adopted a corresponding way and attitude according to the identity of the other party, but he didn't make it clear at first.
Be careful not to be cheated.
Westerners, when interacting with others, must restrain others through legal channels to prevent themselves from being fooled, and they are quite contemptuous of those who cheat others. China people don't ask others how they are, but only remind themselves to "watch out for others". We seldom laugh at those liars, but we are envious: "He is so clever that he has cheated so many people!" " "For the deceived, besides sympathy, there is some disdain:" How can you be so stupid that this trick will also be taken? "It seems that the responsibility is not the liar, but the deceived.
In fact, the purpose of laughing at the deceived and despising the liar is exactly the same, both to prevent the occurrence of cheating.
Westerners despise liars, making them under great pressure and unable to lift their heads. People in China think that we should be careful not to be fooled, so that swindlers can't start. We use the form of "laughing at the deceived" to remind everyone not to be deceived, otherwise it will not only cause heavy losses, but also make people laugh. Therefore, in China society, people who have been cheated dare not show their faces.
Westerners have the right idea. As long as everyone Qi Xin * * * accuses cheaters, cheating can be reduced. People in China are more practical, so it is easier to demand themselves than others. "It's better to ask for help than to ask for help", and it's far worse to ask others not to cheat than to be vigilant and reliable. In fact, the heart of preventing people is to make people be careful not to be fooled, so "self-seeking" is better.
Imagine if you meet someone for the first time and honestly say to him, "I am an honest man and I believe everything they say, so please don't lie to me." What will the other party think? Of course: "He is the easiest to be fooled. Are you kidding? " If you ask the other person rudely, "Don't lie to me, or I'll make you look good!" Another person thinks, "What if I lie to you?" Since you have been cheated by me, you are not as good as me. What can you do to make me look good? "The result is true.
Generally speaking, China people don't ask others directly. If someone really does this, he often has the ability to expose the scam. For example, the boss said to the cadres, "I won't treat you badly, but don't lie to me." If you lie to me, I will never spare you. "Stupid cadres think the boss is a gullible person. Although they didn't want to lie to him at first, over time, they couldn't help but do something that deceives their superiors and deludes their subordinates. The result was soon discovered by the boss: "I warned you not to lie to me, but you let me down so much that I had to fire you." "
It is wrong to think that China people bully the weak, laugh at those who suffer and laugh at those who are unlucky, and have no sympathy. China people will only "sadly" laugh at him for their own people, people they are familiar with, or people who have interests, with the purpose of "deepening his impression" and making him deeply realize that "people sympathize with you in front of you, but actually laugh at you behind your back", thus making up their minds to "be careful not to be fooled". For strangers, we can't laugh at all, because there is no "relationship" between us and we can't associate with each other. For people we know but don't know well, we will only laugh at him behind his back, but try not to mention it to his face. In case the other party says it himself, we will show our support and scold those who cheat him.
But "be careful not to be cheated" is not "not trusting others", but not giving the bad guys a chance.
It is precisely because of caution that we will always be cautious. When you can believe it, "the suspect doesn't need it, and the employer doesn't doubt it"; When you can't believe it, "know people's faces but don't know their hearts" and "people's hearts are fickle and must be guarded against" These words are often said by China people. They seem to be contradictory, but they adapt to the "times".
In interpersonal communication, you can choose to trust others or not. If you trust others, people will laugh at you if you are cheated. "In a few words, you fooled him." The conclusion is that you "lack judgment." If you don't trust others, how can you get along with them? Between believing and not believing, you need to take care of yourself.
Under normal circumstances, of course, we should trust others, but only within a reasonable range; You shouldn't trust him when you meet something unreasonable. Believe in the position of disbelief, so as not to be fooled as soon as you believe. Believe anyone, the probability of being cheated will greatly increase. You can't ask others to be absolutely honest, because no one can do it, so you can only be careful.
Humans are social animals, and only by cooperating with each other can they survive. It is natural that people should trust others. However, it is an indisputable fact that trusting others too much will also arouse others' interest in cheating and lead to their being cheated. Everyone doesn't like being cheated, but this unpleasant thing often happens, mainly because many people like to take advantage of small things and lead to big losses. The most effective way to prevent being cheated is to remember not to be greedy and cheap.
Everything is reasonable.
The idea of China people is to pursue rationality in everything. In other words, people will accept reasonable things. Although we attach importance to laws and regulations, we understand that laws and regulations are often rigid and outdated. Therefore, within the scope of laws and regulations, most people in China can adapt to the situation in an expedient way so as to make reasonable changes. Anyone who cannot be flexible will be dismissed as "stubborn" and "stubborn".
People in China believe that since people communicate with each other, we should be "self-indulgent" in the process of interpersonal communication, that is, "make sense first, and then ask others to make sense". Use your own reason to influence others, so that others can be reasonable.
I am unreasonable, but I hope others will "treat me reasonably", and the result is often unsatisfactory. At this time, it is futile to complain. Seeking rationality first, and then expecting others to "treat me reasonably" is a reasonable attitude and easier to achieve. But reasonable and unreasonable, everyone's standards are not necessarily the same, sometimes you feel reasonable, I feel unreasonable, so this "reasonable" will also cause a lot of controversy and produce a lot of unhappiness.
In China society, if everything is reasonable, it is easy to win the favor of others. Even if there is some error between your "rationality" and his "rationality", your starting point is good, at least you will have a clear conscience. As for whether there will be disputes, let's leave it to fate. Although it sounds negative, it is better than showing unreasonable behavior, making everyone unhappy or even causing misunderstanding.
Whether you are reasonable or not depends on the reaction of others. The reaction of others is like a mirror, which will truly reflect whether you are reasonable or not. When the other party shows unreasonable behavior, don't blame the other party's shortcomings, but reflect on whether you are unreasonable. If so, adjust your shortcomings quickly, and the other party may also show a reasonable response. The most effective way to change the other person is to change yourself first.
For example, people in China think that friends of friends are friends and enemies of enemies are friends, so the relationship between people is very complicated. Because of this, a person will not admit the relationship with another person without knowing the intention of the other party. In this case, it is difficult to get the correct answer by asking about the relationship between others rashly, which is caused by your unreasonable troubles.
B and c are acquaintances. One day, while chatting with B, A suddenly mentioned C and asked, "Do you know C?" B's first reaction is "I don't know" because he doesn't know what A's intention is.
Although there are only three words, the sentence "I don't know" contains several different meanings: "I really don't know", "Although I know, I have no friendship", "Knowing means knowing, which is similar to not knowing" and "What is it?" And "don't move my mind, whether I know it or not has nothing to do with you".
Saying "I don't know" has many advantages: First, it reduces a lot of risks, saves a lot of words and avoids a lot of trouble. If B says he knows when he is not clear about A's intention, A will probably say, "Great. I just need to ask C for help. Would you please introduce it? " Isn't this asking for it? Saying "yes" at this time will add a lot of trouble; Saying "bad" is tantamount to refuting A's face and making a dissatisfied look: "You don't even want to help this little favor, but you are still a friend?"
When C was in a high position, B said "know" first, then said "don't know" or confessed that he didn't want to help, and even directly accused the other party of having no right to ask for anything, which was very hurtful. In China society, the consequences of offending a person are very serious, especially not offending a villain.
Second, you can listen to information. If C is dissatisfied with B, he can't help complaining to A. If A doesn't know the relationship between B and C, he probably won't pass on the news directly. He must ask, "Do you know C?" If B says "yes", A will say nothing to avoid being suspected of gossiping, and B will lose the opportunity to get information. If B says "I don't know", A will confidently tell B what C said, and B can understand C's dissatisfaction with him, so as to take appropriate countermeasures.
Pretending not to know when you know it, this unreasonable behavior is entirely because A made trouble first. Inquire about other people's relationships, and make the purpose clear from the beginning. For example: "Do you know C? He asked me to bring you some presents. " B must answer "yes". If you can't be reasonable at the beginning, ask "Do you know C?" After getting the answer of "I don't know", I had to adjust: "Oh, he said he knows you very well and wants to invite you to dinner." Then b will also be adjusted in a reasonable direction. Don't think it is difficult to adjust from "don't know" to "know". China people are good at "distinguishing right from wrong" and have enough wisdom to advance and retreat freely, because there is room for everything.
B just needs an epiphany: "Oh, you mean him. Sorry, I didn't hear you clearly just now. I thought who you were talking about. " It's easy to get it back
Explain your purpose first, and then ask the other party, so as to give the other party room to consider, which is a reasonable behavior. Don't blame others for their dishonesty, and don't think that everything is unreasonable, which is caused by China people other than me. I don't know that all kinds of shortcomings are actually closely related to "I"
Unfortunately, many people don't understand this point, and they don't reflect on whether they are honest, thoughtful and thorough, so it is really unfair to boldly accuse China people of dishonesty.