Three years ago, when I was graduating from college, I wanted to be a free storyteller, smoking, drinking, perming my hair and traveling around the world when the youth stories of Da Bing, Zhang Jiajia and Liu Tong were popular.
So during that time, I wrote many stories that I still relish. I have been to Lijiang, Dali, Qingdao and Wuhan alone, stayed in a homestay, walked across the street from time to time, looked at people coming and going, and then thought and wrote.
I didn't have a happy time, but I just learned to sketch the story between myself and women with different personalities from time to time. I also often drink, eat meat, make a hullabaloo about downtown and forget about restaurants.
Later, Zhang Jiajia lost his temper and made a movie, as if he had never written a good story; The rivers and lakes of the ice have gradually been forgotten by our generation, and no one has ever mentioned that the ice hut is full of ideal songs. Even the things written during that time were related to life, and there was no wild breath of autumn wind.
It can be said that the people who have experienced this with me are all our generation. This generation seems to have suddenly grown up after graduation. Love reality more than ideals, love money more than rivers and lakes, drinking meat is like a mess, leaving only the greasy and rich state of eating meat without drinking.
Sometimes I think that there will really be a literary preference for a period of time, which will affect the inner feelings of a generation.
It's just that we are influenced by youth literature, while modern people are influenced by Tik Tok.
In the next two years, I am still eager to jump out of the rhythm of social life. So I got up the courage, ran to Beijing and began to volunteer, learning Buddhism and classics at the same time.
Zen tea requires rivers and lakes to become the normal state of life and put an end to wine, meat and cigarettes. I once gained a long-term inner peace, even today, but I began to feel a little uneasy.
It seems that I suddenly feel that the rivers and lakes are still the same rivers and lakes. I don't know when I have become a victim of that feeling. I dare not shout at the sky and dare not express my love and hate.
After all, I feel that everyone has their own pace of life and ambition. If they can't do their best all their lives, they will always be so unhappy and so imperfect.
But reality always frustrates the life you want to stick to. It judges you with a secular vision, guides you with the values used by society, and makes you step by step become the person that most people gradually become.
Until now, I have finally become a person who doesn't have to talk about feelings every day and talk about an ideal life. I have begun to think about the cost of rice, oil, salt, sauce and vinegar tea. I have started thinking about buying a house and raising children every day, and even started to calculate the cost difference between taking the bus and taking the subway.
I let my wife watch an IMAX movie, and she thought I was extravagant. She thought it would be enough to watch a special movie of 19.9 yuan with me.
Suddenly found that the original ignorance of life and fearless courage began to become more and more afraid, afraid of failure, afraid of life, afraid of famine, more afraid of whether they have entered an irreversible drift from place to place.
I'm so scared. I'm so careful in everything. I dare not get sick, be lazy, stay up late, or look at my young brushstrokes in the youth under the cool breeze and bright moon, my ideal guitar and her.
It may be that the era full of feelings and emotions has gone away from us, and teenagers will eventually step into the life of supporting their families, having children, being sick and dying.
This may be the result that we have to face as we grow up, or it may be the final result and the best destination.
When I was watching hip-hop in China, I heard MC Jin say that she seemed to be sixteen again. I suddenly felt a little inexplicably moved. Probably every rebellious teenager will eventually make peace with himself and the world. It's just that not everyone has a chance to get sixteen blood.
But in fact, the years are also very gentle, just like a rushing river under a heavy rain, which washes away your panic and juvenile madness, and all the chaos of youth will gradually resolve in the years.