Text/Cheng Yaya ? Picture/Network
Have you ever talked to yourself?
Under what circumstances do you usually talk to yourself?
I have two selves, one is good at talking and likes to chat with friends. The one I will make myself beautiful every day, be very polite and etiquette when I meet strangers, behave appropriately and generously, know how to make progress, work hard to persist in my dreams, and be liked by others.
I still have myself. I am pretentious, stubborn, restless and extremely emotional. I would often feel sad for spring and autumn at night, hiding in bed alone and secretly shedding tears, and my pillow towel got wet all over. When encountering difficulties, you will think of giving up and not want to continue struggling in pain. Fragile like a child, not even a warrior without armor, like an enamel doll that breaks at the touch of a touch.
Everyone likes the first me, but I like the second me. The weird but real me. You no longer have to consider other people's opinions or care about other people's evaluations. When I feel tired, I will squat down and hug myself in distress, telling myself that this is how I am, even if I want to be someone who is despised by the world, I still love myself.
I often talk to myself,
There are some things I can only say to myself.
Some people say that happy things are written in QQ, life events are in Moments, and emotional things are written in Weibo. Because there are classmates in QQ, family in WeChat, but on Weibo, there is only myself.
But because I have hundreds of fans on Weibo, when I post a post, there will be dozens of likes, hundreds or even thousands of browsing records. I posted a Weibo message at two o'clock that night. I have liked you for 1887 days. I'm sorry that I can't survive 1888 days. I really don't like you anymore. But it was seen by many people.
It’s like a treasure that you have treasured for a long time, and occasionally you take it out to appreciate by yourself, only to be seen by the whole world. I will taste the bitterness or sadness by myself, and bear the pain or depression by myself. If you stay alone for a long time, you will occasionally feel sad suddenly. Like a tide that is about to drown me. I swam up hard and surfaced just to catch my breath. I just wanted to swim ashore quietly alone to take a look at the dazzling sunshine in the distance, but I saw groups of people on the shore, watching and laughing at you, a weird creature.
The little desires were nakedly presented in front of those people, their bodies were completely naked. From then on, it was no longer a separate secret in my heart, and the bitterness and sadness came all at once. I wanted to write those words and emotions for you to read. Many people have seen them, but you have not.
Suddenly I discovered that there is a message board in the space. It feels most secure when few people come. Only the best friends and the closest people come often. I want to write all my secrets here. Record all the lonely, sad, happy and melancholy moments here. Whether it's a fragment or a piece, these are the looks of youth.
It is better to speak out than to hold it in your heart. Since you are telling yourself, you must record your mood at this moment. If there were no written records of the years I spent growing up, I would only have increasingly vague memories. Remember a person because of one thing, remember something because of a person. As time goes by, I eventually no longer remember everyone and everything clearly. I just remember that the sky at that time was very blue, the sun was very warm, and the smell on your body was very sweet. The days when I sat in the back seat of your car and went to school together seemed so far away.
I have the habit of keeping a diary. From junior high school to now, on and off. Fortunately, I can know my thoughts at each stage. Now it seems hard to avoid feeling how naive I was back then.
I grew up slowly in the pages of the diary, and gradually lost my childish appearance. Sometimes he is still like a child, unable to learn to be diplomatic and worldly.
My friend said that this is good for you.
I said, I just want to live a simpler life.
There are bumps and bumps along the way. In an immature worldview, I deny, affirm, deny, and affirm myself again and again. I live in a world of one person, slowly becoming the man I want.
I heard the story of a senior student. She and her boyfriend had been in love for ten years, and when they finally reached the age of marriage, her boyfriend broke up with her, saying that they were not suitable.
Less than a month after the breakup, the boy married another rich second-generation girl.
It’s been ten years and you’re telling me it’s inappropriate? Haha. I can't imagine how she could accept the fact that she was abandoned and betrayed by her boyfriend, but this is the reality. There is nothing we can do.
That senior sister did not give up on herself by crying, making trouble, and hanging herself. Instead, I worked hard and took IELTS and TOEFL in one month, passed the exam, and went abroad. Now I am doing well abroad. She said: Actually, I am a little grateful to him. Without him, I would not know that I have such great potential. Thank you for abandoning me.
You see, we can have such great potential. If you don't push yourself, you will never know how good you are. Encountering setbacks and betrayals does not necessarily mean that the road ahead is destined to be bumpy, and loneliness does not necessarily mean that it is a bad thing. Living in the present is the greatest respect for life. When people are alive, they should cherish the present.
Everyone is a besieged city, with the ground as a prison in the center of the city, clinging to his or her dream. Some cities had strong defenses, while others were pushed down and turned into ruins. Only by holding on to the city can you overcome obstacles in future life and become the overlord.
Young people are still struggling to move forward in the quagmire of life, with poetry and distance in their hearts. This is a dream and a motivation. Life is a long road, and the future with dreams is no longer pale. We will always meet a better version of ourselves, and we will always meet the most sincere love.
I read and write by myself, and sing and play the piano by myself. Traveling alone, stop and go. Every day after you left, I tried to make myself live a fulfilling and beautiful life. I have studied photography, and I plan to start practicing calligraphy recently, so that my life will gradually become like yours. Every day with you is dazzling, and the days after separation are full of miss. No regrets, no regrets, after all, you are the one who fell in love with me.
I don’t miss you, but I just can’t love others yet.
I'm not alone, I'm just alone.
There are some things I only tell myself.