I picked him up and comforted him softly, telling him that Arlo would find a home, and he could visit him again when he missed his friends.
In retrospect, it is not the first time that children cry because of the storyline in movies or books. I used to have a headache for his carelessness and practical jokes, but I don't know when I began to find out that even a troublemaker who wants to "go into the house to uncover tiles" every day has a very delicate mind. He will worry about whether the little rose will be lonely after the little prince leaves his planet. He will miss Xiaomei. The little boy will miss her very much after going abroad. He will cry his face red, because the little dinosaur Arlo can't find his way home.
Not long ago, my husband and I "teased" him that such a naughty boy would be so emotional. In fact, every child is a different individual and has his own ability and way of independent thinking. They only belong to themselves.
After eight years' observation, Wu Xiaole, a tutor, wrote the stories of nine families into a book called Your Children Are Not Your Children. In fact, this sentence comes from a poem by Ji Bolun-to children:
Wu Xiaole wants to reflect a very common psychology and phenomenon of "being nice to you" in many parents through these family stories, which coincides with the central idea expressed by Ji Bolun in his poems. But in real life, we often impose our thoughts and consciousness on our children, always giving orders with the tone and attitude of "I don't want you to think, I want me to think". In the hearts of most parents, we have rich life experience, and we all hope that this small sapling will not grow crooked branches. To paraphrase an old saying, "I eat more salt than you do."
In fact, I didn't escape this spell, even after reading this book, I was once lost in thought and introspection. Am I asking too much of him? I was raised by "stocking". In fact, I have a high degree of freedom in life and study. Perhaps I am a "child of others" in the eyes of many parents, which makes me relatively independent and peaceful in many aspects when I grow up.
But why do I always use my "experience" to put forward various requirements and tasks for my children again and again? Am I really helping him? Or, in this process, in fact, I am also making those very hidden selfish psychology with high-sounding reasons work, and turning him into the "obedient good boy" defined in my heart with "for your own good".
Frankly speaking, the nine stories in Your Child Is Not Your Child are very heavy, and none of them make people feel relaxed after reading them. I didn't want to look for * * * in these stories, because the louder the voice of * * *, the more it shows that I am doing or experiencing such "harm", but fortunately, it's not too late. The earlier these injuries are analyzed, the more likely they are to be cured.
What needs to be cured most is not only these children who are experiencing "being good for you", but also us who impose "being good for you" on them.
In the first family story of Your Child Is Not Your Child, the little boy, glasses, who was placed with ardent hope by his parents since childhood, made me feel the most pity. He is as weak and pitiful as a kitten, but not as gentle and considerate as a kitten.
Parents want their children to succeed and their daughters to succeed, but when these expectations are pressed down like a mountain, it may be the children, ourselves and even both sides who are lost.
Glasses dad put a lot of pressure on his mother, and her mother passed the pressure on to her children again, even telling the tutor directly: If my son is not good or the topic is wrong, you should strive for it. If the child is wrong, we should educate him.
Yes, of course, children should be educated when they are wrong, but the way and degree of education is a very critical and subtle existence. It's not a good boy whose academic performance is improving actively and rapidly that preaches and slaps, but a frightened kitten.
This reminds me of Arlo, the thinnest and most timid dinosaur who watched Master Dinosaur with my son. When his strong and brave brothers and sisters finish one job after another, they can print their own marks like medals, but he can't even finish the simplest task of feeding chickens.
Although Alo's parents didn't violence him, the pressure on him was like an invisible mountain. They tried their best to make him brave and forced him to chase the little savage who stole corn in the storm, but unfortunately his father was killed in a flash flood, which brought a heavy blow to Arlo and the whole family.
In fact, sometimes children just need some time and patience. Everyone needs a period of growth. Every child has his own growth trajectory. A mother with glasses can treat a litter of kittens so gently, but it is difficult to pay enough patience to her children. We can't blame her for not loving her children. She really loves her children, but her love comes more from unilateral "for your own good" and then scares her children like a weak kitten.
When punching and kicking become commonplace, when screaming at the top of one's lungs takes the place of earnest, the distance between us and our children will become farther and farther, and the distance in space can be changed, but it is difficult to fill the gap in our hearts.
Seeing the story of Xiao Guai, I have an impulse to slap myself, because just two days ago, I was still in a state of confusion and shouted at my son: How did I give birth to such a child?
In fact, it's just that a five-and-a-half-year-old boy is too naughty and "disobedient" to make mistakes again and again, which makes me collapse and angry for a while. Being late for school in the morning, he spent 10 minutes putting on socks. During the day, I rebelled against the teacher in kindergarten, played with children, and was talked to parents by the teacher; In the evening, I did 100 squats and was punished by the coach ... When all the problems of the day were added together, I lost control.
It's false to say that to a child, to say that you don't regret it, and to say that you are carried away by anger, but it's just an excuse for yourself. I don't want to make any unnecessary explanation for this serious mistake I made, especially when the boy's little girl said, "The most hurtful thing in the world is' Actually, I didn't mean to have you'".
The little girl's family conditions are good, she doesn't worry about food and clothing, and she never has to think much about spending money, but she seems to care about nothing and human feelings. What matters is money, which is at least the most practical and easy to get for him, so he lives like all dude.
But does he really care about nothing?
He can simply say: My parents are very busy, and I will pay you. Don't worry, I will ask my parents for money, but I can't face my mother's sentence "Actually, I didn't mean to give birth to you".
The little girl said that this is the most harmful thing to him in the world.
In fact, mobster's family is not complete. He lives in a diversified family. His parents didn't get legal marriage because they couldn't get the consent of their elders. When my father had a "other home" outside, my mother and another uncle and their two children formed a new home, and he could not fit in. Between the new home and mobster, mother chose the new home and left it to mobster.
Family has the most profound influence on children. Even if he looks as if nothing has happened, he never lets go of that concern and concern. No amount of limited money and expensive luxuries can compare with the care and warmth of his family. In a family, the feeling of being needed and valued is actually the most important.
In Dear Children, Nancy, a five-year-old girl, refuses to talk again when her father and mother are going to separate. She will lie on her mother's neck and tremble slightly, full of resistance to the situation that this family will face.
Don't think that children are young, children are not sensible, and it doesn't matter if one or two "malicious words" are spoken. What we think is "nothing" is likely to cause irreparable harm to them.
Psychologist Adler once said that lucky people are cured by childhood all their lives, and unfortunate people are cured by childhood all their lives.
The phrase "for your own good" that we are used to is actually just an invisible shackle. When it imprisons your children repeatedly and imprisons the feelings between us and our children, it will become the heaviest injury, even with the child's life, irreversible.
The author Wu Xiaole said, "It took me eight years to open one door after another and witness the story that happened in one home after another." The story happened in one door after another, silent and shocking, like a blunt knife, slowly cutting one wound after another in my heart.
Give children more time and space, and give them more patience and listening. They are independent, not our accessories. As Ji Bolun said, "What you can give them is your love, not your thoughts", "You can try your best to be like them, but don't let them be like you", and the existence of parents should not be an "authority".
When writing these words, I also made a decision in my heart and said to my child: I'm sorry.