When we say that a person's emotional intelligence is high, it often means that this person can take care of other people's feelings and make his own expected response.
Everyone likes to get along with him because he feels comfortable with such people.
They can always understand you, make you worry-free and labor-saving, and feel the little happiness of being concerned in the casual little details.
There are also many groups that oppose high emotional intelligence, such as straight men and cancer, such as selfish ghosts.
Their characteristic is that they pay more attention to themselves than everything around them, even the other half in intimate relationships.
From this point of view, it seems that we can attribute the difference between the two to whether we are self-centered or able to take care of the feelings of others at the same time.
But of course, this generalization is a bit vague. We prefer to use one word to describe it, and that is empathy.
Empathy is put in the first place in the cultivation of emotional intelligence, and it also occupies a large proportion in game theory, the secret of intimate relationship and so on.
Our understanding of empathy mainly lies in that we can compare our own hearts and feelings, stand in each other's position and think with each other's similar cognition.
Since it is an ability, how did this ability come from? Why do some people have it and some people don't?
2、
A core of empathy is emotional substitution.
Emotional substitution may not be easy if it is placed in a life scene, but let's change it from another angle.
For example, when we watch a movie or novel, our mood can always change with the protagonist's experience. Sometimes we laugh happily, sometimes we cry, sometimes we are as angry as the protagonist, and sometimes we fall into sadness.
This is also an emotional substitute.
As for why, the current brain science has helped me solve the puzzle-all because of mirror neurons in our brains.
What are mirror neurons? Just watching someone eating delicious food in the TV series, can't help but swallow saliva.
Swallowing saliva is because mirror neurons in your brain are working.
This nerve cell can simulate an imaginary picture that doesn't happen because of visual, auditory, perceptual and other signals into a mirror image, so that your brain can respond accordingly.
So when you watch a movie and see the parting inside, you will be sad. When you see the delicious food inside, you will swallow saliva. Seeing the sexy men and women inside, you will blush and heartbeat.
When you perform a certain behavior, or see others perform a similar behavior, the corresponding reaction is that the mirror nerve works.
For me, what impresses me is that in the current TV series, sometimes I skip watching some particularly embarrassing plots, because it opens my embarrassment phobia.
There are also horror scenes, sad scenes and so on.
Back to the question of empathy, the function of mirror nerve is, when you see each other, what appears in your mirror nerve?
Why does everyone appear in a different way?
3、
Empathy is an instinct, and people are born with it.
But everyone's "* * * love" has different emphasis and degree.
Not everyone loves all feelings equally.
For a simple example, I also saw a beggar in rags on the roadside, physically disabled and unkempt.
Some people see a mirror image of this picture. If they become like this, they must be very poor and unfortunate, so they will feel sympathy for their "* * * feelings" and want to help him.
However, when some people see this picture, they will think that this person's clothes are dirty, and the mirror image contains dirty things that will make him sick, or the dirty picture will think that he needs to go further.
Everyone sees the same thing, and the images produced by mirror neurons are completely different. These feelings are personal and different.
The same film includes music, art, architecture, painting, poetry, dance, literary stories and other artistic forms. In this 1 hour, everyone feels something completely different.
This has led to many good movies. You've seen a lot of movies with average reviews, but you just think it's particularly good.
Because everyone has different experiences, different living environments and different viewpoints, mirror neurons are activated in different modes.
So * * * emotional ability can be exercised?
4、
Of course, there are many empathetic importance and exercise skills in the market.
But summed up in four words-empathy.
Let you experience what you know, think and feel in another role.
It's easier said than done. After all, everyone's mirror nerve reaction pattern is shaped by cognition and environment.
All we have to do is to actively turn on the mirror mode-synchronization.
The same piece of chocolate makes you drool at the sight of its attractive appearance, but some people can switch to fat immediately after eating it, and the mirror image will change and the decision will change.
What appears in the mirror image is the purpose, which can be adjusted naturally.
Just like the beggar's example above, everyone has different mirror reflection patterns and different emotions.
A person who feels dirty does not mean that he will not sympathize, but that his first reaction mode is dirty. If he keeps thinking and mirroring, he may be the next sympathetic person.
Our mirror image is active exercise, active exercise according to social expectations, and the other party expects exercise.
What emotions we need depends on what emotions the society expects, what emotions the other party needs, and what emotions are conducive to their growth.
Based on the expectation of understanding and communication, the mirror nerve needs to perceive the emotions of the other party, and in the current scene, the emotions of the other party's position, and the perception of others.
5、
Of course, this is still relatively general and meaningless.
Here is a special method, which is also very useful for exercising self-confidence and getting rid of shyness.
This is called life director, a game of self-role transformation.
In every scene, everyone has his own role to play.
In an intimate relationship, you are a boyfriend and she is a girlfriend.
In family relations, you are the son, she is the mother and he is the father.
In a workplace relationship, you are an employee and he is a manager.
In the community, you are a new resident, and he is an old neighbor who has lived for several years.
When there are some conflicts or contradictions in this scene and communication or games are needed, or in daily life.
First of all, clear the role, clear their own positioning and feelings.
Then, change yourself into a director, then assign yourself different roles, and then re-interpret the whole process after changing people.
Finally, cut back to reality and reorganize the relationship.
Of course, the game has many changes. The most important thing is the second step, cut into yourself from the perspective of a third party, and then arrange a new role for yourself.