Wang Yazhi looked at her watch. It's nine o'clock. She usually sits in the Ancient Books Department of Jincheng Library to sort out books. However, now she is sitting under a big tree, silently looking at Jinjiang. The river flows forward, and the river in early spring has turned pale green, like a large piece of jade with black texture, surrounded by yellow reeds piled up on the shore.
Wang Yazhi's idea is complicated. Her eyes crossed the withered reed leaves and threw them into the white fog ahead. Jinjiang slammed the corner with stones and splashed water mist. After washing away a pile of black rocks, it flowed back gently.
She just came to Jincheng Library in her twenties, just like a reed sprouting in the spring rain, fresh and green, swaying with the wind, full of ignorance and curiosity about the world. At that time, the world was a blank sheet of paper for her. Now, the white paper has been covered with lines of different lengths and colors. These lines are intertwined and cannot be explained clearly. She often feels anxious for no reason.
She felt a sense of loss when she thought of people like ants. Her life has been drawn in a line, moving forward, but I don't know why. Why should people live? Everyone just follows the laws of nature. Most people are as busy as an ant, studying, working, getting married, buying a house, having children, and never thinking about why they live like this. This kind of life is usually considered as a stable and orderly existence. She murmured, "Everything is stipulated. And what is the meaning of life? " .
She knew that her thoughts had deviated from the normal track. But once the idea germinated, it began to take root in my heart and gradually became a thorn, reminding it of its existence from time to time.
Wang Yazhi stared at the river. The river gurgled. There are several strains of red plum on the river bank, which are red, like the rosy cheeks of a girl in the morning, with dew hanging and the smell of water.
She remembered the first meeting with curator Ding at the graduation job fair that year. At that time, curator Ding was still the director of the personnel department. As an interviewer, I asked her a question. "When there is a contradiction between career and love, which one will you choose?" This is a question that Director Ding must ask every time he recruits. It was used to tease these little girls who just left school, and he didn't expect any subtle answers. Wang Yazhi answered "career" without hesitation. Director Ding smiled and said "Why"? She said in one breath, "Without a career, love is very humble. With a career, there will be great love. "
Director Ding was surprised and had an inexplicable affection for this girl with rosy cheeks and full body. He quoted Borges's famous words, smiled and said, "Heaven should be like a library", and encouraged Wang Yazhi to work in Jincheng Library.
Wang Yazhi remembered this sentence. On the first day, when she walked into the ancient books library of the library, it was very quiet all around, and rolls of ancient books were lying quietly in the bookcase. If there is a smell of rue in the air, the smell of wood in the camphor bookcase has got into her nose. She took a deep breath greedily, couldn't help sneezing and said foolishly, "This is the book the ancients said." Colleague Tan Jie said with a smile: "I am still a child." She touched the book with her hand and was almost crying with excitement. She thought it was so free to be so close to the book.
Wang Yazhi followed Tan Jie in the restoration of ancient books. Every day, she sits in the dark ancient books repair room, facing the broken ancient books and the unearthed documents stuck into "paper bricks", swimming around in a pile of old paper with a bottle of paste, a pair of scissors and tweezers. Over time, people often smell of rue and vanilla. Things were trivial and busy, and after a while, she began to lose. Sister Tan told her: "Working in the library, you are only close to the book space, and you have no time to read every day. If you don't take the time to study, it's like a person with a good figure and beautiful clothes, but always missing a mirror. "
The days passed day by day. Later, her love and career were not contradictory. But the marriage didn't last seven years. She is finally single and has a daughter.
Later, Director Ding was promoted to Director Ding. Director Ding never leaves the unit before 7 o'clock every night, and has enjoyed it for decades. Wang Yazhi sat under the window of the library every day, watching a thin layer of dust on the window lattice, brushed it away, and the next day it was another layer.
On one occasion, she witnessed the birth of tragedy at work. Director Ding Ran liked her and didn't blame her. He said, "You, don't always read those pessimistic books. How can life be a tragedy? Read more positive energy books and your body and mind will be healthy. " She knows that this is the implication of curator Ding, but she can't talk to him.
In a blink of an eye, Wang Yazhi has been in Jincheng Library for almost thirty years. At work, she learned to identify seals. Seeing those exquisite seals, she will be deeply moved by those tough or graceful lines. She seemed to hear the sound of the Jingoma iron lurking behind the defense line, the ups and downs of the sea and the ticking of the drizzle in the mountains.
Sister Tan saw her loss and said to her, "Anyway, cheer up and do something valuable in life." She taught herself seal cutting. Every time she paints on a stone, the world is silent.
She often thinks that life is painful, and only art can dispel the bitterness of life. Creation is man's mission and the only way to fight nothingness. Everything in the world will die, and those stones will be immortal even if they are buried deep underground.
Recently, Wang Yazhi is always absent-minded. She sits in the conference room, often at a loss, thinking like an antelope in the forest. If she is not careful, she will throw off her long legs and run out.
One day, she was sitting in a meeting, and her mind was blank. Director Ding opened and closed his mouth, and the sound waves circled in the air, swinging into the distance bit by bit like water waves, and finally disappeared without a trace. Lao Wang in the next office sits next to her. He is short, loud and full of gas. He is a good business player, but his promotion is always out of date. Suddenly, Lao Wang leaned in and whispered, "Look, Mrding is like a magic bean in a cartoon." . I have always admired Director Ding, and I have never thought of it this way. She was startled and took a closer look: Director Ding was wearing black-rimmed glasses, with a tight face and white eyes, and was talking with his fists. She couldn't help smiling when she thought of the black cat sheriff. She thinks Lao Wang is really naive.
Whenever she recalls this scene, she can't help laughing. It was on this day that Lao Wang destroyed the sacred high wall in her heart. Director Ding is no longer an interviewer or a curator. He can be a cat, a cute cartoon. Then, she can be a grass, a tree or even an ant.
She looked down at her watch. It was ten o'clock in the morning. A voice rose in her heart, "It's time to leave and go back to work." But my feet are so heavy that I can't move a step. The sun broke free from the white fog and rose. On the other side of the river came the sound of cars speeding by, and there was a horn or two. The voices of river traders bargaining with customers are one after another. Piles of vegetables are covered with glittering and translucent water drops, which are green in the sun, like jade and white jade. Wang Yazhi is like lying in the waves of sound, pushed into the surging sea of white waves, and washed away the dust with the ups and downs of the waves.
She remembered a hot afternoon in California. It was 2000, and she was studying and training in America. Her roommate, Li Xiang, a graduate of Chinese Department of Fudan University, came to the United States to study the history of western literature with literary dreams. That afternoon, Li wanted to stand in the corner of the living room of the apartment, picked up the glass, drank a mouthful of water, waved in the air and said to her, "What kind of life do you want, just grab it, grasp the essence of life and never give up."
The moment Li wanted to wave, she seemed completely out of touch with the old world. She was scared, but she didn't understand. Until now, the god of fate has finally come. Wearing a white robe, the witch climbed to her bed through the dark night, leaned in her ear and whispered, "What kind of life do you want? Tell me, what is the meaning of your life?
She and Li used to run by the sea. The sea rolled up huge waves, white foam surged on the shore, and a golden retriever ran and barked behind the waves. They laughed. How happy they were then! Li Xiang's tough cheeks, full and slightly warped chin, brown skin forged by the scorching sun, and American English with a little curly tongue all make her very happy.
After returning home, Li Xiang started the life of an office worker in an advertising company. Many years later, life in California still brings Wang Yazhi lasting memories. Until one day, she met Li Xiang in a shopping mall in Jincheng. They passed each other on the escalator in the shopping mall. Li wants to be round and fat, and his white face looks like a cooked steamed stuffed bun, as if there will be dimples when he presses it. She dragged a little boy with a runny nose and sidestepped Wang Yazhi. Her eyes seemed to be drawn by a parabola and cast into the distance, with empty eyes. Wang Yazhi knows that those hot days in California are over.
What is the essence of life? Wang Yazhi looked at the swift river and mused quietly. Dead branches whirled and were swept away by the river, and stones crept quietly in the water, allowing the river to wash them away. Occasionally, a beam of blue-purple light and shadow hit the water under the irradiation of a cloud, stirred by water waves, and immediately broken.
That's how life goes round and round. When people reach middle age, the essence of life begins to crush her, forcing her to answer the meaning of life. The greasy bottles and jars in the kitchen, the burning smell of the milk pot in the morning and the trance standing under the library window at dusk all remind her how ordinary and nothingness the essence of life is. She often falls into deep emptiness. She remembered what Li wanted to say. This is a struggle, a lifelong struggle, seize it and defeat it.
The sun began to get hot, and the hands on the watch pointed to the afternoon. She couldn't move her feet, trying not to think about the stale smell of the rows of wooden cabinets in the unit. In the afternoon, the window will open, and the incoming light will be refracted on the book, and gray smoke will appear.
She doesn't want to sit under those windows, just want to run under the sky and dry her heavy emotions. Wang Yazhi was a little tired, narrowed his eyes and his eyelids drooped heavily. The sound of the river faded away. The sound of the car crossing the road is getting farther and farther, like a note vibrating on the strings, weakening until it disappears.
Wang Yazhi looked down and saw thousands of golden waves on the river, flying like countless gold foils. Her feet sparkled in red high heels. She looked up. The sun shines on her. She sparkled in the golden sun. She slipped a dance step on the water. The pain in her feet made her want to throw away her high heels. But these red dancing shoes seem to grow on her feet, and they have become one. In the nightmare, this pair of red dancing shoes firmly grasped her.
The phone suddenly rang. She awoke from the pain. The sun went down and the trees became hazy. She leaned against the tree, the river rustled, the reeds rustled and swayed with the wind. She wants to get rid of red dancing shoes and enjoy running barefoot. She can have another life. She decided that she could escape from her present life. She was so excited that she almost ran back to work. When she met Director Ding, she told him in one breath: "I'm leaving, now, right away."
It's Lao Wang. He said, "Where are you? Do you have any ideas about setting up a new reader service department and needing a person in charge? " Wang Yazhi's heart trembled slightly. As far as qualifications are concerned, she is on a par with Lao Wang. Seeing that she didn't say anything, Lao Wang added, "Of course, people sometimes don't want to have that much pressure, which is understandable." Wang Yazhi, uh, twice. She's calm. Lao Wang talks like a nurse gently wiping his skin with a cotton swab stained with alcohol, and his skin soon dries up. Lao Wang's phone call didn't dispel her thoughts just now.
The phone rang again. It's curator ding. Wang Yazhi quickly picked up the phone. Director Ding didn't ask where she was, but said, "Now we need to set up a new reader service department. Are you interested in a new job? " She asked, "What's the job?"? Director Ding said: "Reading promotion. Promote books to readers, especially teenagers. This department should be responsible for the planning, organization and on-site hosting of reading promotion work. " He paused and continued: "Xiao Wang, I hope you will cheer up and be a person who illuminates yourself and others." Wang Yazhi's heart was pounding. She said, "Let me think." .
It's getting dark Wang Yazhi tidied up his thoughts and hurried home. Back home, Miss Zhao, the head teacher of her daughter Xiaoqing, sat in the living room waiting for her. Miss Zhao has a pair of eyes protruding like dragonflies, and a pair of thick glasses are hung on them. He crossed his legs and showed her a red nylon stockings under his trouser leg. Wang Yazhi thinks socks are bright red. Teacher Zhao deliberately changed his leg, and his trouser leg rolled higher, showing off his simplicity frankly. Wang Yazhi quickly turned away. Next, Teacher Zhao's words hurt my heart. "Some students reported Xiaoqing to the school, saying that she bought an English contest award certificate online and defrauded overseas scholarships. Do you know that children buy certificates? " .
Xiaoqing is a junior. Children from single-parent families are sensible since childhood and never let her worry. Recently, I am applying for a study abroad bonus. The competition is fierce. Xiaoqing was selected successfully and has entered the publicity stage. Wang Yazhi heart sank, turned to look at Xiaoqing. Xiaoqing said: "I bought it for fun when I was a freshman, and it was not used to apply for a scholarship."
Teacher Zhao pushed the sliding glasses, looked at Wang Yazhi from under them and said, "I know Xiaoqing is a child of a single-parent family. It is not easy for a single middle-aged woman to take care of children, but you should pay attention to the moral education of children. This matter must have an outcome. The scholarship has been cancelled, and it is definitely impossible to study abroad. "
When Wang Yazhi heard the words single middle-aged woman, he felt very harsh. She thinks it's more shameful than a widower stuffing a red sock under his pants. She was speechless, so she sent Miss Zhao away and walked home slowly.
Xiaoqing was in a bad mood and said angrily, "Just go abroad at your own expense." Wang Yazhi has no economic ability for Xiaoqing to go abroad at her own expense. She said to Xiaoqing, "Go to China to study and find a job in the library in the future. Just like your mother, it is also excellent. " Xiaoqing said with tears: "I don't want you to stipulate my life." If you have anything good, I don't want to be like you, I will leave here. "
Wang Yazhi choked up, yes, what's the good of being like me. Xiaoqing's words are another fatal blow to her middle-aged life. Does she still have a chance? At the beginning of the lights on the street, the lights on the windows of high-rise buildings lit up, glittering and translucent, as if laughing at her daydreaming during the day.
Later, Wang Yazhi sold the house and sent Xiaoqing abroad. She changed her job and went to the reader service department. Seeing the eager eyes of the children, the host of the reading activity, she was filled with emotion. Director Ding sent her eight words: "I would like to build a galaxy with fireflies". Wang Yazhi thinks this should be her life vision for the rest of her life.
In her spare time, she will come to Jinjiang. A flock of wild ducks on the river flew and spread their black wings across the water, shining. They stopped their feet, floated on the water, folded their wings and turned into a hazy yellow ball on the water.
Wang Yazhi stared at the wild ducks. This is life. You must put away your wings. She saw the children blowing colorful bubbles in the sun, which were as colorful as a rainbow and burst one by one. She heard the children's laughter, like piles of waves rushing, exulting, rolling up, breaking on the rocks, and then rushing forward until the distant future.