To be fair, how many people can spend their whole lives fulfilling their original promises. So now many people suggest changing the wedding vows to "until we no longer love each other". Maybe it's humanization, because no one can guarantee that he will love someone for life, that is, he can let go of his so-called true happiness in the future. But how cruel it seems, when you get married, you can't guarantee that your love for the other half will last forever, so what's the responsibility? If you always leave yourself a way out when holding hands, how can you not swear sincerity and loyalty to the person you choose? What are we really afraid of?
Look at the other half around you and ask yourself, can you be sure that you trust him or her unconditionally and never doubt it? I can't. This is the pain of this society. We not only question whether the other half is sincere to ourselves, but also question ourselves. I'm not sure if this person around me has always been devoted to me, so I thought he was cheating if he didn't call me back late; I'm not sure if I really love her, so I always have a spare tire behind me. Such things happen every day, and countless choices and temptations shake our hearts. We doubt love, our partners and ourselves. Is this really not tiring?
Why do we doubt each other?
When intimacy cannot be established: loving and being loved are both abilities.
Intimacy usually refers to intimate personal relationships and a sense of belonging. It is a relationship of mutual familiarity and liking formed through in-depth mutual understanding and cognition. Emotional intimacy, especially intimacy based on sexual relations, usually continues to develop after physical union. In other words, it is "falling in love". Human beings are born with a sense of belonging and the need to love others. When these needs are met, intimate relationships are formed. Intimate relationships need a long time to understand all aspects of people if they want to stand the test of time. Intimacy requires the ability to be alone and get along. This is called autonomous differentiation. Intimate behaviors centered on self-knowledge and self-differentiation usually exist among family members, friends and lovers. Intimacy evolved by revealing one's own information and getting along with others frankly. If the intimate relationship is not developed properly, it may lead to too intimate and/or too fast intimate relationship.
Love is an innate instinct of human beings, and it is also something we have been learning all our lives. When some sad love stories happen around us, we can't help wondering why two lovers have such an ending. It's not that love is not enough or wrong, but that we don't know how to love. If you love to be alone and need your own space, and the other half always loves to stick to you, if you don't handle the "degree" between the two, then you will see two people who love each other so much being tortured and bruised all over. To love and be loved, we don't just give and receive, we need to know how to give and how to receive.
Cyclical emotional attitude: what kind of parents, what kind of us
According to psychology, there are many similarities between parent-child relationship and love relationship. For example, attachment to each other requires us to occupy an important position in each other's minds, strive for each other's attention as much as possible, ask each other to have feelings for themselves (that is, I don't say anything, and you know what I want), and punish each other with emotional influence and irrational ways (such as crying and ignoring). Therefore, when children are young, the parent-child relationship is easy to show through empathy when they find someone in adulthood, and the parent-child relationship is closely related to the relationship between husband and wife-basically this kind of circular interaction.
No one doesn't want to have a close partnership. Everyone started their own growth process with the psychological brand of family background, so it is inevitable that there will be complicated emotions in communication. For example, distrust of partner relationship is not only caused by appearances such as extramarital affairs, but also has deeper psychological roots. As far as the object relationship is concerned, the relationship with parents in the early years contributed to the internal relationship model of human internal and external objects. Marriage inheritance does not play a leading role. On the contrary, children who suffer from domestic violence often have the characteristics of Stockholm syndrome, and they tend to bear and blame themselves on their own marriage path. It seems that I really can't recognize what I'm looking for.
We looked at our parents' life as if we saw our own future, and then we said to ourselves, I don't want to live this life in the future, but I inadvertently embarked on the same path. Parents are not our lives. Maybe you see a marriage that disappoints you, but it's not yours. All you have to do is believe in love, believe that you deserve better love, and then wait for that person to hold your hand and walk into the marriage hall.
Why be intimate? We are inherently insecure.
As an important concept, security first appeared in the theoretical research of Freud's psychoanalysis. Freud assumed that when an individual receives * * * beyond the limits of his own control, release and energy, he will feel sad and dangerous, and the experience that accompanies this sad and dangerous feeling is anxiety. Freud proposed "signal anxiety", "separation anxiety", "* * * * anxiety" and "superego anxiety". In other words, in Freud's psychoanalytic theory, conflict, anxiety, defense mechanism and so on are all caused by a lack of security in controlling and satisfying certain desires in one's childhood and adulthood.
At an early age, children are totally dependent on their parents, and they impose all kinds of boundaries and taboos on them. Although children at this time have no freedom, they have a very stable sense of belonging and security. With the growth of age, children become more and more independent and have less contact with their parents. The direct result of this development process is the loss of a child's sense of belonging and security, because he has to face the society alone and be responsible for his actions. Fromm believes that modern society gives people great freedom, but at the same time, due to the increase of freedom, the relationship between modern people and society and others is decreasing, and personal responsibility is increasing. Modern people are increasingly lacking a sense of belonging and often experience loneliness and insecurity. The final result of this experience is that many individuals have given their rights and destiny to authoritarianism and centralization in order to gain a sense of belonging and security.
There are many people in fear of marriage now. Fear of marriage reflects the crisis of trust between people. Young people in many big cities are drifting. Although people from different cultural environments and growing backgrounds live in the same space, they rarely have the opportunity to understand and identify with each other. The high-speed flow of people has also aggravated the uncertainty and insecurity of interpersonal relationships.
For an insecure person, every behavior of a partner will be explained in an unsafe way. So when your boyfriend's cell phone doesn't work at night, your first reaction is that your boyfriend is hiding something from you, not that his cell phone is dead, so face up to your heart. You can't keep a man who really wants to cheat, but a good man may be forced away by your unwarranted suspicion. Give him some space and let the word trust really become the most important word in love.
Perhaps, it is precisely because of the cruelty of reality that the wedding vows will appear so beautiful, so touching, so noble and sacred, so extraordinary; But it is precisely because of the cruel reality that the wedding vows will make people feel less safe, less reliable, less powerful, somewhat fragile and even vulnerable. Facing the cruel reality, we are still questioning each other's feelings and ourselves. How hypocritical such love seems. To believe in each other is to believe in your own life. If you choose, do it bravely. What you believe is what you deserve.
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