If I want to rely on others to get joy, I am defeated.
John Welwood
If the pure essence of love is like the sun hanging high in the cloudless sky in Wan Li, then this clear and bright light is particularly bright at the beginning and end of the relationship between people and me. As soon as the baby is born, such a lovely little life can be described as a gift. You respond to him wholeheartedly, without reservation, request or judgment. When you fall in love for the first time, the complete beauty of the other person opens your heart, and you are both surprised and happy. For a while, all love is like bright sunshine, and you can simply melt it into joy; Similarly, when a friend or relative is facing death, all the quarrels or fallacies between you disappear without a trace. You just need to thank him or her and your short time in this world. As long as people put aside themselves-their demands and calculations-and completely open their hearts to each other, pure and unconditional love will spread all over the earth.
Absolute love is not something we have to make up or fabricate. When we are completely open to others, ourselves and life, it will naturally appear on us. Show selfless care in the relationship with another person; In our relationship with ourselves, we show inner self-confidence and self-acceptance, which makes us warm from the inside out; In the relationship with life, it shows peace, gratitude and joy to life.
Absolute love
If we feel this openness and warmth from another person, we gain important nutrients: help us experience our own warmth and openness, and let us realize the beauty in nature. Unconditional love light awakens the seeds of hibernating mind, helps them mature, blossom and bear fruit, and makes us realize the unique value of this life. If we get pure love, care and appreciation from others, we will get the best blessing: pure love accepts me as me and lets us affirm ourselves.
If two people know and appreciate each other's true colors, they will share Martin? Martin buber's so-called "I-ideological identity" moment. Buber believes that this affirmation provides an important confirmation: it helps us to understand and feel our existence.
The most certain feeling is actually not feeling loved, but being loved because we are who we really are. True face means our real existence, and absolute love is the love for real existence.
The deeper layer under our personality, pain and confusion is our dynamic and open true face, which will only appear when we feel stable, safe and in contact with ourselves. If love is rooted here, it will flow through us without hindrance, making us more open to others. Two people meet without reservation and enjoy the perfect moment of absolute love.
However, it is extremely important that people's personality is not the source of this absolute love. On the contrary, absolute love transcends our limitations and shines on us from its ultimate source. We are the channels through which light flows. When it flows through us, it also finds a home in us and settles down as our heart-essence.
We are closely related to this perfect nutrient, which is also our deepest essence, the blood of our life. This is why every baby is eager to seek from birth, and we can't help but want our nature.
Once we realize the value and beauty of life, we can relax, let go and live in ourselves. Relaxation will bring openness; Openness makes the life we live transparent, just like a window that has just been opened. A fresh breeze immediately blew into the room, bringing a sense of tranquility and real strength. D.H. Lawrence regards this as "life rushing towards us".
Martin? Buber regards the moment of "I am connected with you" as shedding an old protective skin, just like a butterfly that pupates. Once we have tasted pure and unconditional love, we will feel that it is good to be ourselves and live. We want to fly high. When this vibrant river meets us, it will breed great joy.
In this way, unconditional love allows us to live in ourselves and live in the joy of life, just like David? Brother David Stander Raster described this profound fit: "For a time, we only knew that everything belonged to us, because we belonged to everything."
This is the greatest value of human love, which leads us into a broader realm than human relativity. It shows beauty and strength when it helps us to enter the inner luminous vitality. There, because we are completely honest with life, we are one with life itself. If life belongs to you and you belong to life, you will never be hungry and afraid again. You feel that life has its basic dignity and sacredness, and you don't need to look up to others' consent or recognition. In this profound harmony of life, you know that you have never been hurt, never been hurt, and can't be hurt.
This is the true meaning of life: absolute love helps us to be ourselves, so we can't live without it all day.
Relative love
Although the human heart is the channel through which great love flows to the world, the channel of this heart is often blocked-a nervous and defensive behavior pattern caused by not knowing that we are loved. As a result, although we occasionally have short and happy contact, it is difficult for the sincerity and openness of love talent to fully penetrate into our interpersonal relationships. Indeed, the more open two people are, the easier it is for obstacles-their deepest and darkest wounds, despair and distrust, and the most direct emotional tipping point-to surface, just as the warmth of the sun stimulates the earth to release water and produce clouds. Pure and open love will start the cumulus of our emotional trauma, which is where we are closed, live in fear and resist love.
This is not surprising: before we can become an unimpeded channel for love to flow freely, the trauma must be exposed. The thing to be treated must be present, and love can be effective; If you hide it, it will only produce pus and pus.
This is relative love: absolute love like sunshine is filtered out by our limited personality and its defense mode-fear, distrust, passive reaction, dishonesty, aggression and distorted perspective. Like a cloudy sky, relative love is incomplete, unstable and imperfect. It is the performance of alternating light and shadow. The light and heat emitted by absolute love only shine in an instant.
If you look at yourself carefully in interpersonal relationships, you will find yourself wandering between advance and retreat, between opening and closing, between clear sky and dark clouds. If the other person is very responsive, pay attention to listening and say what you like to hear, and your heart will naturally open; On the other hand, if the other person doesn't respond, can't hear you and says something unpleasant, you will immediately tighten your nerves and start to shrink back.
We will fluctuate with the situation, and it is difficult to affirm another person wholeheartedly. It is often determined by how much each of us can give and receive, our tacit understanding, our limitations and conditioned response patterns, the degree of personal growth, the degree of consciousness and flexibility, the degree of communication, our environment and even how much sleep we had the night before. Relative means that everything depends on time and situation.
Most people's love is relative, and there is never a constant absolute. Relative love, like the weather, is a continuous dynamic change, rising and retreating, full and short-lived, and its appearance and intensity change with the times.
Speaking of this, many theories can be clearly stated, but there are often such obstacles: I imagine that others (of course, someone other than me) should constantly love us, no more, no less, just right, they are the source of perfect love. Because our first love experience usually comes from others, we naturally think that interpersonal relationship is the main source of love. Once this relationship can't create the ideal relationship in our dreams, we think something is wrong. This kind of disappointment will repeatedly start the trauma of the soul and will generate resentment against others. Therefore, understanding the important difference between absolute love and relative love is the first step to heal wounds and get rid of grievances.
In the deepest part of our lives-the inner sanctity of all living things-there is no separation between you and me. At any moment, we may communicate with any life-lovers, children, friends, strangers passing by on the road, and even puppies-to produce warmth and openness. Once we can appreciate the beauty of another life, the heart chakra will open and the spark of absolute love will pass through us. At this appointed moment, we are no longer separated and isolated, but happily share the loveliest and gentlest part of the hearts of all beings.
But at the same time, on the relative level, we have always been separated and separated. We occupy different bodies, have different histories, backgrounds, families, personalities, values, preferences, opinions, and ultimately have different destinies. Each of us looks at things differently and reacts to things differently, and also treats life in our own unique way.
Yes, of course, we experience the feeling of unity, but this can only happen when life matches life, because we are one at the level of pure life and pure openness. There is no difference between the openness between you and me, because there is no fixed form of openness, so there will be no boundary separating you and me. Therefore, when we meet at the moment of absolute love, life is like water pouring into the water.
In contrast, relative love is a tangible communication: communication between people. Everyone, like every snowflake, every tree, every place and every environment in the world, is different from each other, with unique personality and expression. Two people can know that they are one in a purely open field, and in a tangible field, they must be two anyway.
Maybe the night before, you loved someone deeply and you opened your heart to him. But the next morning, although you still felt love, the feeling of opening your heart the night before was shrouded in dark clouds, and you began to think: Is it appropriate to open your heart to this person? Can I accept that this person is a completely different person? How well can he (she) know me? Are we a perfect couple?
The feeling of integration is instant happiness combined with absolute love. This is the beginning of the great love myth. A pure discovery and encounter often happens in unusual time and space. However, the challenge of relative love brings lovers back to the ground, forcing them to constantly face and deal with their duality. If we don't respect each other's differences and explore how to explore each other across differences, the combination of lovers will eventually lose their enthusiasm and vitality, affect each other with unhealthy emotions, or produce dangerous contact of interdependence.
Two people usually look for the same foundation first, but because of their differences, they are pulled in different directions, and the foundation is loose from their feet, so the relationship keeps swinging between them. I want to meet at this moment, but I am whirled by the tide of memory, expectation and past trauma. Under the tension of monism and duality, gathering and separation, fresh discovery and old association, relative love is really difficult to be stable and stable.
In fact, it is precisely because our expectations do not match the reality that problems will arise. We always think that love should be stable, and this expectation makes us unable to appreciate the "intimacy between people and me" given by relative love. Intimacy-sharing each other as each other in differences-will only happen when my partner and I meet in a binary state, and I regard each other as completely different people, not as completely different people at the same time.
Although the alternation of duality and monism can ignite the spark of curiosity and enthusiasm, it also shows that intimacy is intermittent at best. In the intimate moment, we met through different high walls, but it was only a moment, but it didn't last long. At best, relative love itself is beautiful, and two people appreciate and enjoy each other in differences and changes; In the worst case, it is a soap opera or tragedy.
If you expect others to keep pace with you forever, you will fall into depression, disappointment and pain, because it is tantamount to seeking fish from a tree. Everyone can only follow their own internal laws, because everyone has their own rhythm and feelings. You can never expect others to keep pace with you, and you are bound to be out of sync with the person you love, because you have been trying to get different things from each other or from life at different times. Inevitably, harmony becomes incompatible, understanding becomes misunderstanding, causing harm and isolation. Even the closest marriage partners sometimes feel misunderstood, lost contact and completely isolated.
Even if someone wants to keep pace with us, it is impossible, because he or she can never predict what we want at all times. We may want to be close now, so our lover is close to us, and soon we may want to have our own space again. We don't even know what we want all the time, what is happening inside, and our thoughts are constantly changing. If so, how can we expect another person to keep up with us forever, especially when others can only act according to their own different views, rhythms and needs?
Not only do we all have different needs and opinions, but we also want to be loved in a unique way-it can soothe the emotional wounds brought by the past. This requirement is really high! Because it assumes that others should constantly adjust their love ways to match us. For example, if you are afraid of being abandoned, you may force your partner to make more verbal commitments, and the result is beyond his limit. You are glad to hear that someone is with you. Unfortunately, these expectations may arouse his/her fear of being bound by promises, because once he/she is forced to follow your schedule, he/she may feel bound by others. Your partner is not necessarily like you. He (she) needs personal space to feel love. If you expect your partner to love you in a way that you think is just right, he or she may want to run away, which will make you afraid of being abandoned. No matter how hard you try, you often have to touch each other's wounds.
Although no one can keep pace with us forever, we still cling to expectations and blame others: "You didn't give me what I deserved." Swami Prajnanpad, an Indian teacher, described the situation like this: "Everyone is experiencing this profound psychological pain. Why? Because he wanted it and didn't get it, he believed that he should and could get it, but he didn't, which is the reason for this drama. "
The question is, is there love in our actions when we try to ask others to love us the way we think they should? Isn't this another form of control? In the relationship between two people, expectation is often a subtle violence, because it requires others to obey our will.
Judging from these circumstances, relative love is really rough. After I have a close heart-to-heart talk with you, we will inevitably return to treating our loved ones as "other things", a person who is "there", an object who is needed, responded to and designed. "This is a profound depression in our destiny." Buber wrote: "Every' you' in our world will become' it' ... Real observation will never last, pure love will never last, and every' you' in the world is destined to become something, or something again and again." Although pure love may be the essence of our heart, its appearance is constantly restricted by past karma and present situation. Although a mother loves her child unconditionally, if she is annoyed by what her child has done, or if she is getting worse every day, she may be merciless to her child.
This is our inescapable fate, which isolates us. In isolation, we project ourselves and everything we love into the objects of expectation and fear, so interpersonal relationships constantly deviate from the joy of unity between man and me and fall into binary chaos-like or dislike, agree or disagree, closeness or indifference. Your husband may be kind and patient today, but tomorrow he may be full of anger. One moment, the person you love has a spark of pure love in his eyes, and the next moment, when you say something ugly, he or she stares at you mercilessly.
Pure love operates on an absolute platform, and whether you like it or not is on a different level, that is, on a relative and personal platform. If we know that we live on two levels at the same time, we can alleviate the confusion of "I love you, but I can't stand you at this moment". It's hard for us not to like what others do to our tastes and preferences, but not what others hinder us. Only in the advanced spiritual development can human beings get rid of the pull they like or dislike. This means that relative love inevitably contains ambiguous feelings of love and hate.
It is impossible to maintain stable and harmonious communication between husband and wife, parents and children, and friends. This is an inevitable law: after every moment of gathering, there is dispersion. This is not caused by love, human or cosmic design defects or mistakes, nor does it mean that you are bad, others are bad and life is unfair. The pulse of life is always in a cycle, up and down, back and forth, expansion and contraction, coordinated expenditure, and so on.
Energy runs in the form of waves, which include peaks and valleys. If it is not a valley, where will it come from? First there is dispersion, then there is aggregation; Only after the lack of understanding will there be understanding.
Indeed, if interpersonal relationships are not so ups and downs, it is siltation and imprisonment, not dynamic dance. The relative love of human beings, like other things on earth, is neither perfect nor constant; Life experiences are often crude, rough and chaotic. Nothing can last, nothing is static, nothing can be done after the full moon, and everything will change.
After the joy of new love reaches a high point, there will be a low point of conflict and pain. We often think that this is a disaster and should not happen. If we can realize that the trough is the inevitable trough of relative love, then misunderstanding and isolation can become a springboard for re-understanding and agreement.
If we look at life honestly, we will find that no one can be completely reliable and always be good to us. Although we may imagine that there is an ideal interpersonal relationship in someone or somewhere-perhaps a movie star or a spiritual person-it is still mostly fantasy. If we look more closely, we will find that everyone has their own fears, blind spots, privacy, insecurity, tendency to attack and manipulate, and emotional tipping points-all of which will block the channels of love and make love unimpeded. Although we all want to love with a pure heart, our limitations inevitably make our love fluctuate up and down and swing from side to side.
Our desire for perfect love and perfect combination has its own importance and beauty. We intuitively know that there is a kind of perfection hidden in our hearts, which leads to an extraordinary situation. We are eager to heal isolation-our isolation from life, God and self-consciousness. As long as we understand this desire correctly, we will surpass ourselves. Dedicate yourself wholeheartedly, with such a spiritual life, we will see that this is the key to absolute love entering us.
But if we pass this desire on to another person, it will be in trouble. This is the reason to distinguish between absolute love and relative love-so that we will not seek perfect love under imperfect conditions. Although intimate fit can shine the light of absolute unity between man and me, it can't be completely expected. Perfect love can only be found in the perfect realm-the open and awakened heart of life. Only in this way can we know what a perfect combination is, that is, the state of mind of "we belong to everything, because everything belongs to us".