That warmth came to an abrupt end
In these five years, there is not a day that I don't miss my children. No matter how hard I try to forget myself, there will always be a casual moment, a casual touch, which will make me burst into tears.
I like boys, and I always think that boys are better raised than skins. I like naughty little boys.
I know I am a little woman. And proud of it.
later, I had a son. Have a child that really belongs to you.
I gave my son a name-stinky.
The days with children are happy, and the happiness that every child brings to parents is priceless, eternal and real. Looking back on the time when I was with stinky, I can still feel the tenderness that gushed from my heart. It is a gentleness that can melt steel.
I still remember that when I was born, Smelly was so petite and ugly. Red skin is wrinkled. Like a little old lady. I can't even touch him or hug him. He kept crying. Cry when you are hungry, cry when you are thirsty, cry when you pull, and cry when you pee. It took me a long time to realize that all his expressions were only these. So I began to learn how to be a qualified mother. As a new mother, I suddenly grew up and seemed to have responsibilities at once. Because this little life can only survive by me, and he will only feel safe in my arms, sleep quietly and stop crying.
I looked at my child happily and sincerely thanked God for giving me such a beautiful elf.
As the children grow up day by day, I find that I can be so gentle and quiet, so kind and kind, so brave and sincere. My heart is full of love, which makes me smile at everyone. Yes, I keep discovering my new self.
I still stubbornly believe that a woman will be incomplete if she doesn't get married, and she will never become a real woman if she doesn't become a mother. Children will make your heart very soft. His angelic laughter can wash away all the filth and troubles in the world, and his pure eyes will make your heart as ethereal and peaceful as the sky in Tibet. When you hold him, when his little body snuggles up to you in trust, you will find that you are so needed and indispensable in this world. When he calls your mother in a pure voice, you will find that you are really the happiest person in the world!
slowly, he began to learn to walk. At first he studied in a walker. He learns quickly. I often see his figure rushing around at home. He is very curious. When he sees himself in the mirror, he will smile, then kiss him, and when he sees the white smoke from the humidifier, he will reach for it. When I cook for him, he will park his car in front of the kitchen and look around curiously. He is very dependent on me, and he follows me wherever I am. Even when I was taking a shower or going to the bathroom, he would bang on the door and wait for me to go out quietly when he confirmed that I was inside.
I still clearly remember that it was the spring of 1996, and the breeze in May gently blew my short green windbreaker. The bright sunshine shines on me warmly, and everything is warm. I suck the fragrant air and take a brisk step to pick up my children. Suddenly, just like being struck by lightning, the happiness that gushed out of my heart made me suffocate. It was a warm undercurrent that gently flowed all over my body and reached my fingers. Even, every inch of my skin and every pore felt that kind of happiness. At that moment, I asked myself: What is not satisfied? I have a husband who loves me and a lovely son. How happy I am. It is a real and down-to-earth happiness. I was 25 years old that year, and my son just turned one.
Happy me, I didn't realize that disaster was hidden behind my happiness. It always comes when you least expect it.
One night when he was one year old and three months old, he suddenly began to cry. My wife and I kept coaxing him, but he kept crying until he was tired of crying. The next day, when he opened his eyes, his left eye was red. I took him to the hospital for examination, and the doctor just told me that a little anti-inflammatory medicine would be fine. So, I give my child some medicine on time. But the red is still there. It's been almost a week, and I'm taking my children to check again. The doctor seems very nervous this time. Checked and checked carefully. Finally told me that the child's left eye may be blind. Besides, I'm afraid there are other problems. I was shocked! After a while, the doctor called my lover in. When the lover came out, he told me pale: "The stink may be eye cancer!" " I froze: "Eye cancer? No way! It must be wrong! " I walked out of the hospital with my child in my arms. I don't believe it. My child is healthy and lively. Even if there is something wrong with his eyes, it can't be cancer! I don't believe it! I'm going to Beijing for reexamination!
The next day, my wife and I took our children to Beijing.
the result finally came out.
Stinky is really a retinoblastoma. It is really eye cancer!
I suddenly fell to the ground. It took me a long time to find that I had burst into tears. My heart shouted: "Impossible! Never! " I feel my blood drained and my heart crushed. My lover asked my grandfather to take the child away first, and then dragged me out of the hospital. We held hands and shuttled aimlessly through the noisy crowds in Beijing. Tears ran wildly on my face, and I couldn't restrain my sadness. I know that no one can help my children in the vast sea of people, and neither can I. The doctor told me that children with this disease will be blind in both eyes when they walk, and their faces will be deformed as the tumor grows and swims, which will be terrible. Thinking about the smiling face of the child, I can't believe all this is true. He is only one year and three months old. His life has just begun. Is it going to end? Is all this true? The doctor told me that stinky can be treated with chemotherapy now, and there may be a 5% hope, but he must have eyeball removal surgery, including eye socket. As a result of chemotherapy, this half of his face will always be his face when he was one year old, but the other half will grow normally. Moreover, even if the operation is successful and the chemotherapy is successful, you can only live to be about seven or eight years old. I really wanted to give him chemotherapy. At that time, I frantically grabbed the doctor's hand and shouted, "Operate on him! Surgery! " But I also clearly know that this is too painful for a child who is only over one year old. What is even more cruel is that if he lives to be seven years old, if he is sensible, his pain will be unimaginable, because he is born to die!
that night, my wife and I made the hardest decision of our lives. I clearly remember my strong lover's bloodless face and sad eyes when making this decision. I shouted to my lover, "No! The doctor said that if you don't do surgery, the child will be blind, and finally something like cauliflower will grow in his eyes and his head will be deformed. What should I do? When stinky stretched out his hands and called me,' Mom, mom, where are you?' What should I do? I'll go crazy! Do the surgery! No matter what the result is, we won't regret it. Even if we lose everything, we should treat him by gouging out bones and removing meat! After all, there is still a glimmer of hope! I can't watch my child die! "Facing my hysteria, my lover, my beloved, just hugged me crazy and shouted at me," Chun Er, wake up! Don't you let stinky grow long enough to ask you,' Mom. Why can't I live!' At the time? Do you want him to face this cold fact with one eye? Do you want him to be physically devastated and face those curious eyes? "Then he wiped a handful of tears hard.
forgive your parents, son! We are cruel, but also helpless! We must make such a decision. We would rather let you live happily for a year and leave when you don't know anything, than leave after you are tortured. Although I know this decision will make me feel guilty all my life.
the next night, I carried my stink on my back alone and avoided my relatives. I walked with him in the quiet city at midnight, always walking, resting when I was tired and buying a bottle of water when I was thirsty. I don't know where to take him and I don't care where to go. All I know is that I'm going behind his back, and I'm going to be with him. On the way, I hugged my stinky and asked him, "Smelly, mom loves you, do you know?" Stinky told me, "I know." I told him with tears: "smelly, mom loves you, no matter what mom does, you have to know that mom loves you." Stinky replied, "I know." I asked him, "Smelly, will you be my son in the afterlife?" My smelly, smelly will answer anything but say nothing. My tears dripped on his face. So I changed the subject and asked him, "Smelly, do you love me?" He answered clearly: "love."
as the days go by, I still have a glimmer of fantasy and hope. Maybe it's a misdiagnosis, maybe it's calcified. Maybe all this is a dream. So, I began to observe my children day by day in fear. His left eye was blind, but he couldn't see it. His eyes were only red, and then they disappeared, but gradually the black eyes turned gray. In that year, the first thing I did every morning was to look into the child's eyes. I watched him open his eyes with fear. If he smiles at me, if he calls me mom clearly, my day will be very relaxed and happy. But more often, he always frowned and closed his eyes to lie in my arms and told me, "Mom, I feel sick." Then he kept turning his little body over. Whenever this happens, my heart will tighten together, and all I can do is hold him and hold him tightly. I hope this will reduce his pain. I hope I can absorb all his pain to me. I kept telling him, "Smelly, mom is here. Not afraid, mom is here, mom is holding you. " Then let him fall asleep in my tears and songs. My heart is broken, broken into pieces and ground into powder. Whenever this happens, I always ask myself painfully: Is our decision right? I want to save my child. Even if I give him my eyes and my life. I asked heaven: why! Why put my children through this torture? Why not let him die at once! Why let him endure the pain little by little? I hold my son, hold this soft little life, this depends on me, and I will only call my mother's little life when I feel uncomfortable. I'm scared. I'm afraid I can't bear it one day. I'm afraid that as he grows up day by day, he will tell me his feelings. I'm really scared. I taught him many stories and poems, but I never taught him "pain", "pain" and related words, so when he left, he would only tell me, "Mom, I feel terrible." I know, only I know the meaning of this affliction. How much unbearable torture is contained in that affliction! My stink is only over one year old after all!
I still remember a long time ago, there was a news that a mother pushed her child under the wheel when she was desperate, and then committed suicide. After the news broadcast, there was a voice condemning the mother. And I can deeply understand the despair and pain of that mother, because she is ready to die, and she can't stand her children living alone in this world.
Children's eyes change day by day, turning gray, red and then gray. I watched in horror as it kept changing. More than once, I imagined killing stinky to end his suffering. I imagine giving him an air needle, taking sleeping pills, putting gas on him, choking him to death, or the whole family simply jumping downstairs. Every day, I ride a motorcycle with a stink on the road, thinking more than once: if only a kind driver could kill us all at once. Many times I have to stop to get off the bus to stabilize my desire to crash. Yes, I admit that I am fragile. I can't stand his pain and my despair.
My child lived 958 days, two years, seven months and 15 days.
When my stinky was alive, he was surprisingly clever and clever. He was as cute as other children of the same age, no, even smarter. He will call my mother in different tones and call my name. He is good at expressing his needs and feelings. He will wink and deceive people. He is unique and eye-catching. Not only because he has a boy's head, but also because he has a long pigtail. It's that he is lively and polite, and he calls everyone he meets. He likes cars. I bought him nearly 1 cars of different sizes, and every day he kept fiddling with his car. Yes, I dote on him and give everything I have to satisfy his wishes. It's a pleasure and happiness for me to watch him play seriously in a painless time. I know I won't see many days.
I used many remedies to treat him when he was ill. I took him to a Qigong master, gave him his own urine, gave him toad eyes, made a wish in a temple and so on. I know I'm stupid, but everything is useless. Stinky still had surgery. Because the things in his eyes have grown up and really stand out, he can't close them. Every time I help him close his eyes, I tremble when I see that what should be his eyeball has been replaced by a gray thing. I'm really going to collapse. I hold my lover's hand and hold it hard. I can't talk, but my lover understands the madness in my eyes. I know, if this continues, I will go crazy. Or, I was already crazy in the eyes of others.
stinky was pushed into the operating room, and his little body was lying on the big bed, so thin and pitiful. I looked at the door of the operating room. My life seems to be drained. I prayed silently to heaven: "Let my stinky not live, let him die on the operating table." I'm really crazy. Is there such a prayer in the world? But that's what I thought at the time. I know, smelly eyes will be gouged out. There will be a dark hole in his eye. I'm afraid. I don't know how to face his pain. Even if he had an operation, he would die. It is better to die quietly and painlessly under anesthesia. I'm trembling. Teeth keep chattering, body keeps shaking, and can't stop shaking. My lover took my hand and we sat on the steps outside the operating room, away from the crowd. Hold each other's hands tightly, that's the only place we can grasp.
the operating cart is pushed out. I was lying in another bed. I am weak, from the weakness of my heart. I supported it. I have to get up. I'm the mother. I saw his quiet body, small body. Lying motionless in bed. I picked him up, he was so light, I held him tight, and I was afraid he would fly away. His left eye is covered with a big gauze. His anesthetic is still working. He's quiet. At that moment, I suddenly had an illusion: was it the same when he died? I bit my lip hard-don't think about it.
Stinky is crazy. He is frantically pulling the gauze on his face. He is in pain. The anesthetic is over. He struggled and shouted, "Mom, it hurts! Mom! Uncomfortable! " My lover grabbed his hand hard and called to me, "Chun Er, hurry up and help me catch him!"! Don't let him pull off the gauze! " I stood up reluctantly. Just then, Smelly struggled to reach out to me and shouted out the most unforgettable sentence in my life: "Chun Er! Mom-!" That voice is so sad and helpless, and it is so shocking!
I finally collapsed. I fainted for the first time in my life.
when I woke up, stinky had been beaten.