One of them: Once upon a time, Ah Shuang died, and the family cried and said "Shuang Shuang", and passers-by asked "What are you cool about?" The family said, "Great, great."
There are three people in the family, named robber, kitchen knife and trouble.
One day, the trouble disappeared. The robber came to the public security bureau with a kitchen knife and said to the police, "hello, I'm a robber." I am looking for trouble with a kitchen knife. "
Hee hee and haha are good friends, very good friends.
One day, haha died. Hee hee is very sad. He went to Haha's grave and said, "Haha, you are dead."
One day, an elephant was walking in the forest and accidentally ran into an ant nest full of ants. It shook off the ants, but there was one left on the elephant's neck. At this time, the ants on the ground shouted to the ants above: strangle it ... strangle it. ......
Three mice are bragging. One said, "I eat rat poison as candy, and I feel uncomfortable if I don't eat it for a day." Another said, "I like to walk in the street twice a day, otherwise I won't sleep well." The third mouse said, "It's getting late. Go home and hug the cat to sleep."
The husband and wife divorced for their children, and the wife confidently said, "The child comes out of my stomach, of course it is mine!" " The husband said, "Joke! This is complete nonsense. Can the money withdrawn from the ATM go to the ATM? No one inserted the card! ?
Chinese zodiac
The folk Chinese zodiac in China is also a topic of great interest to westerners. Everyone wants to know what animal he belongs to. Unfortunately, "genus" and "belonging to" Hemingway are often confused.
One day he excitedly said to the secretary girl, "You are a pig."
For Hemingway, it is too difficult to describe the sex of animals with Chinese word "female" or "male", because in English, both male and female can be used to describe people or animals.
One night, Hemingway took her dog for a walk in the street. After seeing me, he proudly introduced to me, "This is my bitch."
helmet
Besides driving, Hemingway usually likes riding a motorcycle, which is convenient. I said there are too many cars on the road, so be careful. He replied: Never mind, I will wear a condom. He means "helmet".
Metric words
Quantifiers in Chinese also make Hemingway nervous. Once he flaunted himself as a "hero" and asked him what he meant. He said, "A hero is a thin, tall and good-looking person." He explained that "one" naturally means long and straight, and "hero" should naturally be a good-looking man.
Another time he told me that he saw "a puppy" on the road. I immediately corrected that it should be a puppy, but he seriously refuted that it was really a puppy, because the puppy had been run over by a car, and the squashed puppy naturally became a puppy, just like a piece of paper and a photo.
In addition, for example, what "a pair of pants", Hemingway plausibly defended, because pants have two legs, and the two are a pair, so that's right. Even arguing with China people, insisting that it should be "a set of ass", which sounds funny.
All kinds of "juice"
Once, I tested Hemingway's idiom ability: "Rack one's brains".
The result is:
Rack one's brains, milk, juice and soup.
Ha! "You're racking your brains, also didn't come up with' racking your brains'.
A mother said to the little girl, "If someone molests you, touch the top and say" No ",and touch the bottom and say" Stop "! 」
The next day, the little girl was sexually harassed and came back crying for her mother. After the little girl listened, her mother said angrily, "Did you refuse that man?" 」
The little girl looked at her mother with innocent eyes, nodded and said, "That man touched me up and down, and I said," Don't stop! ! 」
Ge Liang is proficient in eight special skills, one of which is ventriloquism. On this day, Zhuge Liang was discussing with Liu Bei in his account, and Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart.
I am afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. Sorry, he had an idea and said, "Master, I'll call you like a woodpecker. How about adjusting the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded.
Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again, Gang."
You farted too loudly, I didn't hear you. "
joke
English: jokes
Funny words or things: he is good at telling jokes; When I first came to Shanghai, I made a lot of jokes.
2 sarcastic laughter; Laugh: Don't laugh at others.
3 style name. The length is short, the story is simple and ingenious, and it is often unexpected, achieving the artistic effect of jokes. Most of them reveal absurd phenomena in life, which are ironic and entertaining. There are different tastes. Laughing Forest, written by Han Wei and Shan Chun of the Three Kingdoms, is the earliest existing joke. The collection of jokes made up by modern people is more detailed.
Joke is a very hot topic. What is a joke? We can't find a clear and consistent explanation. Jokes come from life and are learned. Joke is a language form processed by art, and it is an artistic language. Joke is an artistic method, which uses laughter as an artistic means to make literary works.
Laughing Forest is the first collection of jokes in ancient China.
1. A dying man made a will to his wife: "When I die, I hope you can marry our neighbor Mr. Ed." The wife was puzzled, so she explained, "Two years ago, the cow that this bastard sold me couldn't milk at all. Now I want him to feel cheated!"
Dad told the fish that he was often hungry when he was a child. Fish and Fish had tears in their eyes: "Well, Dad, did you come to our house because you didn't have food?"
3. A train passed a mountainous area, and farmers came to watch along the way. A female guest on the bus had a holiday and went out of the window after changing the paper.
Flying head-on in a farmer's face, the farmer took it off and said, "Wow! ! ! The train is fast, and a piece of paper can make my nose bleed.
My three-year-old daughter often says to me, "Dad, did you reap what you planted?" I said, "Yes, you reap what you sow." The daughter said happily, "Then I grow jelly. I want a lot of jelly."
The two fathers and sons are violent and never let people down. One day, the father ordered his son to buy meat to entertain guests. When you come back, go to the city gate to make way for each other. After standing for a long time, my father ran over: "Good son, you take the meat first, and I will stand with you!" "
A joke may be just a phrase, a short story or a series of words, which makes the speaker and communicator feel funny or humorous. The difference between action jokes and oral jokes is that action jokes affect people's vision and make people feel funny.
6. One day, there were many people on a bus. When the conductor was buying a ticket, suddenly a person farted, and everyone on the bus felt uncomfortable breathing and scolded the uncivilized man.
At this moment, the conductor shouted, "Who didn't buy a ticket?"
A passenger replied, "The man who farted just now didn't buy a ticket!" " "
Then a man stood up and shouted, "Who said I didn't buy a ticket!" " "
7. Mom told Xiao Shuang to get up: "Get up quickly! The rooster has crowed several times! "
"What does a cock crow have to do with me?" Shuang said. I am not a hen! "
Give a few examples:
Bush visited the nursing home.
One day, Bush decided to go to a local nursing home in Washington.
The president went in from the lobby of the nursing home, and a little old man came face to face, who didn't seem to notice him.
Unhappy, Bush turned to catch up with the little old man and asked, "Do you know me?"
The little old man looked at Bush and said, "I don't know you. You can go to the nursing station and they will tell you who it is. "
Lawyers and pickpockets
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pickpocket?
A: Once you are dead, pickpockets will stop staring at you.
3 the difference between opportunities and opportunities
Teacher: ~ ~ ~, what's the difference between chance and opportunity? ~~~~
Student: ~ ~ ~
Your family is really poor.
Your family is too poor. I just stepped out a cigarette and entered your house when your father shouted, "Hey, who turned off the heating?"
five
Idiot, this is not for him.
An old lady was walking on the road, a pigeon flew by, and a pool of pigeon droppings fell on her head.
The old lady said, "Quick, get a piece of toilet paper."
"Why? Now he is at least half a kilometer away from us. "
6 childbirth
A little boy wants to finish the homework left by his teacher and write a composition about "childbirth".
He asked his mother, "How was I born?"
Mother said a little uneasily, "dear, our ancestors brought you to us."
"Oh, then how were you and dad born?"
"Well, our ancestors gave birth to us."
"Well, how were grandparents born?"
"Well, dear, they are also Mr. Zu's."
The little boy seems to understand.
A few days later, the little boy handed in his composition. The teacher looked at it and couldn't understand the first sentence. "This composition is not easy to write, because none of our three generations was born."
7 college students' graduation self-evaluation
Hurry, hurry, time really runs faster than rabbits. I can still remember the scene when I was wearing a green military uniform in the sun when I was a freshman, and I soon arrived at the third year of high school. Looking back on the road we have traveled in the past four years, I feel that I have gained a lot. These four years have not been wasted. Now I summarize as follows.
Politically, I am actively close to the party organization. I have reported my thoughts to party member, the only student in my class, and Li Xiaohua, secretary of the Communist Youth League, many times in written or oral form. Although she has been maliciously thinking that I am up to no good and pursuing her, she refused my single date and let it go without reading the written report I gave her. Heaven and earth conscience, from the heart, I do have a good impression on Li Xiaohua, but I will never confuse my great personal beliefs with my children's affair. Although my pursuit has been hit again and again, I can't shake my belief in joining the * * * production party.
I am honest and humble. The road is bumpy, draw your sword to help. When I was at home, I saw a big cock always bullying the little hen. I tried to climb on the back of the little hen several times and pecked the little hen's shallow red comb with my mouth. Isn't this bullying the weak? I was so angry that I picked up a hoe and smashed the rooster into a comminuted fracture. Another time at school, I checked the information online at 3 o'clock in the middle of the night and went back to the dormitory. In the bushes not far from the dormitory, there was a painful voice of a girl whining. I ran over without thinking and found a boy riding on a girl. How dare you arrest our girl at midnight and fight? At that time, I knocked the man out and rescued the lovely unkempt little girl. Although I spent more than 4000 yuan to see a doctor afterwards, I always thought it was worthwhile and was often moved by my heroic behavior. There are also problems such as eating flies in school canteens and charging too much for school textbooks, all of which have been exposed on TV and newspapers. I reported them. Although no one has come to reward me, I think a person should be an upright person.
I treat people warmly. Last time Li Xiaohua's father came to school, I got the news in advance and sent him to school from the railway station. I saw that her father had no place to live, so I took the initiative to vacate the bed. Although Li Xiaohua didn't accept my kindness, my faith in others' enthusiasm hasn't changed. I am convinced that as long as everyone gives a little love, the world will become a beautiful world. I am willing to help others. In order to help students with financial difficulties, I gave up the opportunity to clean the classroom and dormitory and gave it to a poor student in my class in the form of money, which is far better than just donating money to him, that is, taking care of the poor student's face and cultivating his concept of self-reliance.
I love my Chinese major and strive to cultivate my profound literary foundation. In the past four years, I watched more than12,000 discs day and night on the computer in the Internet cafe, and got a comprehensive understanding of the world film and television art. I am also familiar with the works of modern famous writers such as Jin Yong, Gu Long, Wen Ruian and Liang Yusheng, and have learned them by heart. In order to improve my observation ability, I specially bought a telescope to secretly observe the life of the girl in the opposite building. My accumulation has greatly improved my literary accomplishment and writing level. More than 300 literary works such as poems, essays, novels and jingles have been published on desks, toilet boards and dormitory walls.
In order to improve my quality in an all-round way to meet the needs of society, I taught myself mahjong, poker, table tennis, dancing, drinking and other skills needed by modern society, and they were almost perfect. I have also tasted the sweetness from these skills, and I can basically support myself. Last New Year's Day, I didn't go home. In just two days, I earned a year's tuition and three months' living expenses by mahjong. I like music and singing is very powerful. Students can often hear my loud and clear singing in the bathroom, bathhouse and corridor in the middle of the night. The whole building is sleepless for me.