0 1 sense of alienation and struggle
What do you fear most in intimate relationships? The answers I heard were "indifference" and "chicken ribs"
Unexpectedly, as expected, the most terrible thing in intimate relationships is not cheating and quarreling, but the sense of alienation and struggle that is clearly close at hand but far apart.
In life, feelings have become chicken ribs, and there are many situations that you can't afford and don't give up. Like a chain, two people who once loved each other are bound together.
From a psychological point of view, many problems of chicken ribs are alienation. The so-called sense of alienation means feeling excluded, lacking support and meaningful ties.
Thus, speculation and complaints replaced communication, hope turned into despair, not answering the phone was considered intentional, turning around was considered disgust, and a joke was considered ridicule.
Then in the process of complaining, quarreling and emotional breakdown, the two never talked about anything, and cold violence put the whole family in the ice room. People who love each other also become the most familiar strangers.
"What's wrong with us?" A lot of people do. If there is an accomplice, it must be emotion.
Emotion replaced communication.
Some people say that a good marriage is to find someone you can lose your temper at will. I don't agree.
Wedding cigarettes are two people's business, but emotions are essentially their own business.
Alice, the founder of rational emotional therapy, said that it is never the event itself that makes us have a series of emotional reactions, but our interpretation of the event.
I once heard a case that a fan's boyfriend was unhappy because the team lost, but the girl thought that the boy didn't love himself and was clamoring to break up.
It can be seen that more often, our focus is on interpretation and judgment, rather than solving problems.
A few days ago, a colleague asked me to enlighten her. I called for 30 minutes, but I couldn't get in a word. She complained that her boyfriend used to accompany her to dinner every day, preferring to give up her lunch break and give her chocolates from her friends.
But now, there are no messages and phone calls every day. I call him once in a while, either in a meeting or busy, and send a message in a few words.
It can be seen that she has accumulated too many emotions and urgently needs an outlet to vent, but after listening to their communication methods, it is more like a spit meeting, exposing each other's shortcomings.
The unsatisfied part behind the emotion
Behind every emotion, there is an unfulfilled expectation.
And she will suddenly tell the man: "If you feel inappropriate, let's break up!" "You never care about me, such love is not as good as being single. She will also send messages by innuendo in her circle of friends. Unfortunately, the man's response always disappointed her, so she began to hack each other's WeChat and phone calls. It can be seen that their relationship is like a ship on the rocks. They can't advance or retreat, and their unsmiling communication has repeatedly evolved into quarrels, investigations and judgments.
Therefore, a good relationship needs to express emotions, not emotional expressions. Emotions are not good or bad, right or wrong. They just remind us that we need to make changes. To be exact, it is a kind of self-protection, and behind it is an unattainable expectation.
Xiao Liu, who came to consult, cried and said that she wanted a divorce without saying a few words. There is a simple reason. After getting up, my daughter suddenly fell asleep on her father's pillow and said, "I smell my father." I really want my father to send me to school. "
Eager to be seen and understood.
She was very wronged when she heard this while washing. Her husband started his own business, and most of the time he was either on a business trip or went out early and returned late.
She is a middle-level foreign company, with a second child. She works all day, then picks up the children after work, then cooks and eats, does homework with the boss, bathes the boss and the second child, and then washes the clothes. She has a backache and is lying in bed. It's midnight and her husband often hasn't come back.
She often asks herself, "What is this life for?" This kind of self-questioning will always make her fall into a state of emotional breakdown, and then give her husband a few screens of complaints.
The result can be imagined. He said she didn't understand people, and she said he was selfish.
She said that she wanted to talk to her husband when he was at home. He is either "talk about it tomorrow" or "you think too much". In short, he was too tired to speak, but he chatted, teased and joked in the WeChat group and friends circle.
Whenever I see this scene, Xiao Liu gets angry and scolds her husband.
In fact, after sharp language and sharp criticism, Xiao Liu has another expectation, that is, her husband's love and companionship. She feels lonely and needs to be seen and understood.
Emotion can be sparse and unstoppable.
Unfortunately, the expectation behind this emotion is always ignored by us, but those hysterical behaviors make us unforgettable.
There is no doubt that everyone should learn to express well, but not everyone really knows how to express. If you want to get married for a long time, you must try to see each other's true feelings through behavior. Only in this way can effective communication have a chance.
Therefore, we deal with emotions just like dogs deal with external interference. If we don't know how to express it, we will make a hullabaloo about, but in essence, we just tell each other, "I don't feel well, I need it."
Psychological research has found that 75% of human diseases are caused by emotions. Psychologist Roland Miller once said that in the marriage where people can't speak freely, the death rate of middle-aged women who are troubled by wedding smoke but can't speak freely will be four times as high as that of their outspoken neighbors in the next decade.
What is even more worrying is that many people pretend to be happy and don't care, which is even more deadly. Duke University scholars have found that smirking can hurt a person's physical and mental health more than anger.
Therefore, in the face of emotions in marriage, we must face them and manage them. What can both parties do?
Learn to express feelings and expectations.
1. Understand that men and women are very different.
Ted hughes, a psychologist who is engaged in the in-depth study of the relationship between marriage and smoking, said: For a wife, intimacy means talking about things, especially the emotional relationship itself, while a man thinks: "I want to work with her, and all she wants to do is talk.
For example, if you are careless at work, boys prefer to be alone, but girls will keep asking.
When a woman is in trouble, men like to give some advice on how to solve it, but all a woman wants is to listen to her complaints and a timely hug.
So when there is a conflict between wedding cigarettes, it is not necessarily the other party's fault. Maybe he used his favorite way, but you just didn't like it.
2. Maintain self-awareness.
When you are emotional and want to communicate with each other, ask yourself first: "What's wrong with me? What is the result I want? "
In this way, we will not just vent our emotions, but express our emotions and expectations.
Set up a special day for feelings.
3. Turn accusations and complaints into communication needs.
Psychologist gotman said that the early signs of the wedding cigarette problem were sharp criticism, excessive complaints and personal attacks.
Therefore, on the basis of self-awareness, try to tell each other what you want.
For example, because a girl is sick, but the other half doesn't even have a phone call, and she is angry, then she wants to express not only that you don't care about me, but that you can call me more and make me feel concerned.
4. Set a special day for love.
Everyone has their own pressure, but no matter how busy they are, they can never be ignored.
Any interpersonal relationship needs management, especially marriage. Therefore, try to arrange a special day for love, which can be a fixed time, with only two people going to eat or watch movies. This fixed time will accumulate mutual intimacy and happiness, and then you won't feel alienated and lonely.
08 conclusion
Satya once said that a marriage that lasts forever needs the necessary ability, that is, the ability to deal with problems, and the most important part of dealing with problems is emotion.
But love is not one-way giving or taking, and no one has to pay for each other's feelings, because a good marriage is not a * * * life, but a * * * win. It is that two adults are independent of each other, and then care for each other and nourish each other equally.