Go ahead, say what happened three years ago.
Three years ago, on March 15, my body suffered a collective complaint from cells because of serious "quality" problems, and was urgently recalled to hospital.
In other words, this hospital is also a special place. It's not easy to get out when you go in.
I just didn't expect that the hospital and I could spark a "love" after a long separation. Since then, I have been wandering between major hospitals for more than half a year, and I have been wandering for eight or nine months after consulting Chinese medicine.
My illness alarmed my relatives, classmates and friends. My relatives and friends came to visit me one after another, giving me comfort, care and help. I am very grateful.
Seeing my brother from Yangquan to Taiyuan comforted me and said, Lao Liu, it's okay! Take good care of it. You, too, made an earth-shattering movie twenty years ago, and made another one twenty years later. But you're lucky. It's okay. Take good care of yourself. If you need anything, please let me know.
Yeah, I'm lucky. Twenty-three years ago, I was diagnosed with aplastic anemia in the Peace Hospital affiliated to Changyi Medical University. Later, under the sympathetic eyes of the medical staff in the factory hospital, I was transferred to the Second Hospital of Yi Shan Medical University for treatment. At that time, I was still young, I knew nothing about my illness and I was not afraid. After reading the textbooks of students in Shanxi Medical College, I realized that people with this disease may only live for four to six months. I am a young man of B, ignorant and fearless. On a whim, I bought a suit in Tianlong Building with the money borrowed from the doctor, and wanted it as my farewell dress. 780 yuan, which is equivalent to my salary for half a year.
Uncle Benshan said that the biggest sorrow in life is that people are still there and money is gone.
At that time, I spent all my money and wore my own "shroud" to see a doctor, but I didn't die in the end.
This is not scientific.
My wife and I returned to Changzhi and the factory on the afternoon of Mid-Autumn Festival on 1993. The streets in the factory are deserted, and most hotel merchants are closed. We have no place to eat, so we can only eat instant noodles.
I went to the provincial capital, saw the illness for half a month, did a lot of tests, bought a new suit, owed a lot of foreign debts, and then came back despondently, feeling very sad.
However, I soon got over it (or how to say I am a fool).
From that year on, I resolutely threw away the medicine jar, picked up the wine bottle again, called my friends all day, indulged in alcohol and tobacco, lived a heroic life, but never went to the hospital again.
This small wine can be drunk for twenty years.
However, people's hospitals love people, and people's hospitals also love people.
Finally, I returned to the People's Hospital.
Or blood disease.
But this time, I was not so lucky. It was the arrival of Tumor Jun, just like Xiong Dun's illness in Fuck off Tumor Jun.
A healthy boat capsizes when it says it will, and the great ship of life will sink when it says it will sink. What else can I say? Nature makes man.
To borrow Xiao Guan's words, it's just that I have such a disease because no one else was born, which makes me feel inferior.
I've always wanted to be strong, I want to be strong, I want to be strong, but I'm just sick and become a poor guy again.
I don't like being pitied and pitied.
Just because I was born weak.
I was born late. I was born with a strange bone, and it is difficult to give birth to a bone. My mother had a massive postpartum hemorrhage and almost died because of me. Father said that this doll is too weak. I don't know if I can feed it. I might as well throw it into the urinal and drown it. Mother couldn't bear to part with it. She didn't die that time.
When I was in primary school, I was nicknamed by my neighbors, classmates' mothers and Chinese teachers because I was weak and sick. This nickname made me unable to hold my head high for a long time.
A sister Lin fell from the sky, but this sister Lin crushed me and greatly hurt my young heart.
The teacher called me "Lin Daiyu".
Oh, my God. Really? Silence is like a flower shining on the water, and action is like the wind helping the willows, right? Sister Lin! Feel it casually.
Watching 1983' s Hong Kong drama Huo Yuanjia aroused a young man's heroic spirit (I also worked in Xiong Haizi's place), so I gathered my neighbor's children's nephews and opened a "Wu Jingtang" at home. I am the master, and the rest of the children pretend to be apprentices such as Lu and Feng. A few of us, shouting, hahahahey, don't use nunchakus every day, just practice our fists and feet and fly hard. In the end, we really learned to be as light as a swallow.
It's just that our lightness skill is not rising from the ground, but climbing the ladder to the roof and then jumping to the ground. Jumping from the eaves to the wall every day often makes our chickens and dogs restless and makes our neighbors in their 90 s jealous. The old man rubbed his hands, and in desperation, he used a set of methods to beat dogs, waving crutches and shouting at us: you are harmful to beans and dogs!
After that, I got better and better, and I didn't catch a cold for several years. However, my appearance is quiet, but my personality has not improved. On the contrary, I went further and further on the road of two.
After going to work, I stayed away from my hometown, but because there were many classmates, I talked about classmates' love and friendship all day and got drunk.
Until I went to the hospital.
Borrow it from the sky for another twenty years.
Keep drinking.
Until I went to the hospital again three years ago.
I really want to live for another 500 years. No, twenty years.
I just can't drink any more.
Too much gossip, Wan Li. But the cause of life and death should be true.
What happened in the hospital can really be said to be a heinous thing, and it is hard to say that it is difficult to die in vain in the middle of a hundred years old. What kind of experience is surgery and chemotherapy? Looking back, it's hard to look back. Skip this article.
Just say what it's like to recuperate at home.
After six courses of chemotherapy, I said I would do nothing.
I am weak for a long time, white blood cells often tend to zero, neutrophils often return to zero, and even platelets and red blood cells don't give me face.
I'll lose everything. In the hospital, RMB and Japanese yen are inexhaustible, and I can't stand throwing tens of thousands of dollars out at any time.
I have become penniless, my hair is gone, my body hair is gone, and I feel ashamed to go out and see people again.
Even Tom, dick and Harry felt inferior when they shaved their hair, what's more, I was a bald, proud and vain guy (if I were Tang Sanzang, I would have saved a lot of things from monsters, so I didn't have to wash them back and cooked them directly, at least it was much easier than Pig, Pig and Friar Sand), and I could only hide at home when I got out of the hospital.
I am actually a very busy person, or a very diligent person, and I always want to do something even if I stay at home.
Yes, do some housework. Cleaning, cleaning, how to clean the world without cleaning a house?
But when I first got out of the hospital, I couldn't even clean a hut. I'm really powerless.
Even after my mother died, the funeral route was changed and shortened because of me, and my brothers and sisters were afraid that my body could not bear it.
So fragile is really like sister Lin falling from the sky. What makes me feel sorry? I said I had to exercise, or it would be ruined.
At first, walk in circles in the house, then jog, like a wandering soul, from the living room to the master bedroom, the second bedroom and the study, and gradually increase the amount of exercise.
Later, under the influence and advocacy of my friends, I bought a treadmill. From the first ten or twenty minutes, I ran 3 to 5 kilometers for half an hour every day.
The autumn and winter of 20 14 is the best time for me to feel my physical condition recovered. During that time, I drove my daughter to school every morning and evening, ran at home for half an hour and went out to walk my dog for two to three hours. I have no distractions, I am relaxed and carefree, and my life is like a flower.
It is said that this dog is Liu Wuji. Because I am lonely at home alone, I will discuss with my wife that one is to raise and the other is to raise the sick dog.
During the period just after treatment, I was infertile and weak, and I didn't want to see anyone. The world is only that big, from the house to the yard of the community at most. Occasionally driving out, I have to rely on the protection of my armored fighting vehicle to get back that little bit of confidence.
My wife has to go to work, and I am alone at home all day. Staying at home alone, I am most afraid of sunset and dusk.
Whenever the sun sets, I sit alone in a dark room and look out of the window, turning on the light early, feeling inexplicable loneliness and inexplicable sadness. There is a feeling that an old vine heartbroken person is at the end of the world, and sometimes he feels crazy.
Fortunately, God loves us.
God said: Let there be light, and there will be light.
I said: if there is a dog, there is Liu Wuji and Jin Mao.
Since I had Liu Wuji, I was no longer lonely and my life was busy.
Confucius said: It is the father's fault that the dog doesn't teach.
I think I can't be a person who stays and doesn't teach. Since I have raised him, I will be responsible for him to the end. I want to train him how to be a "person", I want to wait on him to eat and drink Lazar, I want to take him out, take a walk to pick up shit, get to know the world of flowers, and let him tease girls by the way. After all, dogs also need to socialize.
For a time, I took Liu Wuji almost every day and drove to Binhe Park or Sports Center for an afternoon.
My classmates called me to ask about my physical condition. I heard that I was doing well and I was full of praise. He said, "Old Six, your boy can enjoy happiness early. You don't have to have sex or do anything. You don't have to run around like us. How happy you are! " ! I was filled with joy, but I said, don't envy me, I'm almost a legend!
Entering 20 15 years, I can't be quiet in all kinds of distractions. Because my daughter is worried about her decline in grades every day, I don't care. In addition, driving out in May was hit by an electric motorcycle, which caused a big accident. I even stopped running. Even walking the dog is only done in the community, and I feel that the whole person is not good.
But there are still friends who envy my convalescent life.
A friend said sincerely: I really envy you. You can cultivate your mood when you are sick. The family is happy, the wife and son are filial and docile, and live a comfortable and comfortable life.
I said, are you jealous of my illness? Then I'll tell you, don't worry about anything. This thing is too expensive and torturous. Besides, this is not the life I want at all. I don't think tumor jun has been there either. I also want to do something for this family and society. Besides, my present comfort is based on my wife putting the burden of the whole family on her shoulders. I'd rather I wasn't sick.
But one thing is really enviable, that is, I have a good wife, and I am glad to have her in my life.
Yesterday, when I was helping my wife look through the information in her mobile phone, I accidentally found a document in her mobile phone called "Mother", which was written by her wife about her mother. That's just a paragraph, and it's an unfinished article. Although I have heard my wife talk about her mother-in-law's past many times, I can't help but feel a shock after reading it. Think of that 13-year-old relative (mother-in-law) who lost his mother. Although she was born in a good family, because her beloved mother died prematurely, she lost the care that her family gave her, which doomed her life to be bumpy and difficult. How can she not make people feel sorry for her? My wife lost her mother when she was 15 years old, and she took on the heavy responsibility of helping her father pull her younger brother and sister early. How can it not be a pity?
Looking back on my years, as her husband, I didn't give her enough care and didn't let her enjoy being with me. On the contrary, I made her worry and suffer with me. I really owe my wife so much. In fact, my wife has always been very quiet and virtuous, and she doesn't ask much of me. A warm word (even a joke scolding her), a warm hug and a walk holding hands can make her feel happy and satisfied.
I still remember the day before Christmas last year, I accompanied my wife to the market to buy food. Along the way, my wife took my arm and walked with emotion: I am so happy to have my husband to accompany me to buy food! With this sentence, I really realized the true meaning of "companionship is the longest confession".
Hold your hand and grow old with your son. Isn't being together for life the perfect love we once pursued?
However, how can a person who doesn't care about his health and loses his health stay with his lover for a long time and walk through this long life together?
Therefore, a person's body, even life, does not belong to you alone. It belongs to parents, children, lovers, brothers and sisters, and even all those who love you and those you love. If you fall down alone, the whole family may fall into chaos and collapse. Therefore, it is everyone's responsibility to take care of your life and keep your health. It's a pity that I understand this simple truth too late. I don't know how to cherish it when I have it, but I don't know how to regret it until I lose it.
As for the meaning of life, this old question is too important. It has aroused many people's confusion and attracted countless ancient sages to think and explore tirelessly. But in the end, maybe everyone has a different opinion, so small that I may never understand it.
If we narrow this problem down to our specific life individuals, such as the meaning of life and the meaning of people living, probably many people can tell a story. I think the meaning of life may be love. Love for love's sake. Because you love the world and are loved by it, you think the world is beautiful and it is beautiful to live. If you find the reason, don't you find the meaning?
In fact, since I was ill, I have discussed the meaning of life with my wife countless times.
I said, what's the point of living like this?
The wife said that it is important that you are alive, because we need you. If you live, we will have a complete family. You are alive, your daughter has a father who can give her guidance and help, I can have a husband who comes home from work to talk to me, and Wuji has a master who accompanies me every day and can take him out to play from time to time. Isn't that enough?
I said, well, treat me like a dog. Every day when you come back from work, Wuji and I will pick you up at the door and help you pick out your slippers.
I once heard a joke that a reporter interviewed an old farmer. Reporter: Do you think there are any changes compared with the old society? The old farmer said: In the old society, we lived a life worse than pigs and dogs. The reporter asked: What about now? The old farmer said: Now, yes.
Unexpectedly, now I also "like". I live a worse life than a pig or a dog. I eat, sleep and walk with Mowgli every day, and then greet my master when he comes back from work.
At least I'm not worse than a pig and a dog. At least I'm like a dog now. This is why I am alive.
Some people say: Do people need a reason to live? If you have to have a reason, it's actually easy to find. If you have desires, don't you have a reason to live?
Some people simply say: if you want any reason, just live. The poorest is begging, and when you die, you will always turn over.
Yes, I am still alive. I should be grateful and grateful. I will turn over, too. I always turn over when I can't sleep every day.
I feel less anxious, at least I don't have to worry about my daughter's study.
In 20 15, my daughter was admitted to the university and went to the southeast coast far from home. I sent my daughter to school and wrote a trip to send her to school. It was my happiest time in more than three years, and I recorded it.
After I came back, I was still troubled by housework: the water pipe leaked, the water heater broke down, Gong Liu repaired the wall ... after another wave of unrest, my heart broke into the Pacific Ocean.
Never die, never turn over?
There's always trouble when you die.
In the past three years, my health seems to be getting better year by year, but my mood is getting restless year by year. From the initial inner peace, to distracting thoughts, to fidgeting, now I finally return to the realm of distracting thoughts.
Read some books when you are calm, surf the Internet when you are upset, and only turn on the TV when you are upset. Again, neither suspense films nor horror films can calm my restless heart. 20 15 for almost a whole year, from watching sci-fi movies and youth idol dramas with my daughter, watching Korean dramas with my wife, watching Chinese New Year movies with my family, and watching American and Japanese dramas alone, I just wasted my time and consumed my life.
My wife is very worried about my life and often reminds me to surf the Internet less at home, go out for a walk more and bask in the sun. Friends also joked that surfing the internet affects emotions and is not conducive to physical recovery. You should watch more news broadcasts. It is said that the effect is good, and happiness is indispensable in living on the radio.
Fog grass, I understand this truth, but I can't do it.
Generally speaking, most people can really let go of everything when facing death. However, people often have all kinds of delusions after narrowly escaping from life and death. They have desires and troubles, which are hard to break.
Five aggregates are derived from life and cannot be made.
Therefore, when I am free, I will keep asking myself: What's the point of living?
I remember there was a golden sentence in my early years, which was recently adapted into a song. It is also very popular: life is not just the present, but also poetry and distance.
This was originally a bowl of inspirational old chicken soup, but compared with this statement, I suddenly feel that there is no love in life.
It's been over three years! For more than three years, life is only in front of us. Where can there be any feeling of home and country? Where is poetry and distance?
Da Bing also proudly mentioned many times in his book: How far can you go? I have wine. Do you have a story?
I am so excited to see it! What stories and wine do I have? I'm sick.
Actually, I envy Xiong Dun. She has a pair of dexterous hands and can draw. After leaving a touching inspirational story to the world and earning enough tears, she drifted away.
I also envy Ling Zhijun. He wrote his own story with pen and ink in his chest, and then went to help people in need. I envy him, although he is very ill, because he can live in the world, have poetry and be far away, rest at home for half a year, travel abroad for half a year, and ski.
I envy those who are healthy and still working hard for their careers and families. Although they have troubles and setbacks, they are painful and happy.
I envy those who are healthy and successful in their careers, not only achieving themselves, but also returning to society.
I also like the Jianghu described in Da Bing's book and the "Jianghu people" in his stories.
In this era when there are fewer and fewer children in rivers and lakes, those wandering singers can live anywhere in pursuit of their own ideals, taking the sky as their quilt, the earth as their bed and dreams as their horses.
But all this is just what I envy and like, but I don't.
What's the point of my living?
Everyone else is alive, I am just alive.
I am so lazy, I must have failed to pursue the life I want when I was young and failed to take care of my body, so I got into today's predicament, right?
Under the double squeeze of desire and reality, I always fall into paranoia.
The price of vegetables is ridiculously high this year, almost higher than the price of meat. Even a catty of cabbage is 3.5 yuan, and I feel that I can't afford to eat the food.
I'm disgusted. What's the special rhythm? Don't you know that my whole family is vegetarian? And make people unhappy? I complained to my friend, and my friend advised me: You are so thin, you might as well eat some meat properly. If you want to be healthy, you must eat some meat. I don't accept it: Shi Yongxin, the great monk of Shaolin Temple, was a vegetarian all his life. Does he look bright, fat and strong?
Blood indexes have been unable to return to normal, and even doctors say it is unscientific.
I thought, am I also made of special materials? Why else do people with abnormal blood indexes like me look so healthy?
After losing weight, it stopped rising, and the waist was slim, almost A4.
I was in a hurry at first, but later I admitted it. Isn't Hugh quite thin? Isn't Song Joong Ki very slim? At least we are descendants of the sun, but unfortunately I have those clothes, so I have to buy new clothes to wear.
When I don't want to cook, I think, if only I could eat grass like donkeys, horses, cows and sheep. In that case, when I'm hungry, I'll take Wuji to the periphery of the wetland park, humming "grass by the green river, the sky is not old, the wildfire is not residual, and the wind and rain can't blow down", enjoying the sunshine and grass, exercising, filling my stomach and walking the dog by the way.
But this kind of life is so useless that it is really just "like".
Then, make a small contribution to the family.
Even snail girl can cook. Am I not as good as a bug? Can I be a snail husband, and my wife comes home from work every day with ready-made hot and delicious food on the table, so that she can feel the warmth of the family?
Really, really,
I really don't want to live in front of my eyes,
In fact, I also want to have poetry and distance.
I actually want to be a person with a story.
I really want to have that day myself,
The good news is:
I have a pot of wine, which is enough to comfort my life!
A lot of nonsense, some people may say, enough! After listening to you say so much, I feel that it is all negative emotions caused by unsatisfied desires. Are you stupid? Can't you pass some positive energy?
In fact, this is my idea and real experience of staying at home for more than three years. Maybe every patient like me has different ideas and experiences because of different circumstances, abilities and status. I have seen the sadness of parents crying when children under two years old are admitted to hospital because of acute leukemia, and I have also seen the eleven-year-old girl who is suffering from many major diseases but still brings joy to everyone like an angel. I have experienced the sudden death of patients in the same ward, and I have also seen anti-cancer heroes who have been hospitalized for dozens of times and are still optimistic for more than 20 years. I have comforted patients who are sad and desperate, and I have also drawn strength from those patients who are as happy as ever. So apart from those annoying little emotions, there are still many positive things in me.
For example, this disease has taught me to cherish and be grateful.
I know how to cherish more and more: cherish everything I have now, including cherishing this sick body, cherishing family, friendship and love, and cherishing every minute in this world;
I know how to be grateful: I am grateful to the world now, to all the people who have given me care and help, including strangers who just smile when meeting, to the blue sky and the earth, to the snow and ice in winter, to the sun in summer, to the flowers in spring and the moon in autumn, and to the April day in the world.
For example, what happened in these three years has made me feel more.
I have seen such a sentence: when children stop bothering you, they may have grown up and left you; When your parents stop bothering you, they may not be in this world.
In just three years, I have tasted both flavors.
I still remember those days when I was worried that my daughter's grades would push her to study, and my daughter worried that my body would push me out. My daughter asked me to read Vegetation Utopia written by Alai. She told me to get close to nature as much as possible, go to the park to distinguish flowers and trees, and encouraged me to be optimistic and recover actively.
I still remember the last time I met my mother. My mother grabbed my hand and refused to let go, and she couldn't sleep all night, but all her worries and disappointments turned into self-reproach and exhortation to her son.
I still remember my friend Lao Wu calling me and saying I'm sorry. Lao Wu said that I have been a little busy at work recently. I haven't seen you for several days. Lao Wu said you should take care, brother. I smiled and said, You are so busy. You are too busy to have time all day. As a result, I don't know that the future is not long. Two days later, Lao Wu died of a heart attack.
The sudden death of my friend Lao Wu and my mother's leaving us forever made me realize the impermanence and perfection of life, and felt the value of family and friendship.
So, can you live without fear of trouble? Life is not self-improvement, self-help or mutual assistance.
Constantly sublimate in mutual love? Isn't the meaning of life practice?
For example, I am not intimidated by this disease.
I have long been able to accept this not-so-beautiful reality.
When I was transferred from Heping Hospital affiliated to University of Traditional Chinese Medicine to General Surgery II of Provincial Cancer Hospital to prepare for surgery, when the attending doctor, Dr. Xin, asked who the patient was, I raised my hand like a pupil and said, doctor, it's me. When I was transferred to hematology with a drainage tube in my stomach and a drainage bag, I raised my hand excitedly to answer Dr. Zhang's question: I am a patient. The doctor repeatedly said: not like a patient, not like a patient at all.
In fact, whether I am a patient or not, I can't deny the fact that I am a patient, and as a patient, the mentality is the most important. Some people live too materially, don't believe in cause and effect, don't believe in reincarnation, don't believe in the existence of the soul, and only believe in this material world in this world. They firmly believe that people die like lights, and once faced with the threat of death, they will be afraid, their spirits will have collapsed, and their bodies will naturally collapse. However, you know, life is like a journey, and the journey is destined to have an end. So, whether you are afraid or not, death is an unavoidable problem that everyone will face after all. However, I still firmly believe that life is not just a material feast, nor a short trip, but more like a relay. Because, people have a soul. When the secular journey is over, don't be afraid. Your soul will take you on a new journey.
Just like a song: birds, flowers, all living things are the same; * * * Life, * * * enjoyment, time, air and sunshine; The annual ring cycle is passed down from generation to generation. Although this life is short, the past is forever; The four seasons cycle of spring, summer, autumn and winter, the life and death cycle of fate, and the rise and fall cycle of years. The eternal youth of the universe is gone forever. Last year's sun is still hanging in the sky this year, and the songs of predecessors have been sung by later generations. Limited life conveys infinite glory, and there are always some unchanging beliefs in a changing world.
Because I firmly believe, I am not afraid. In the face of illness, I can still maintain an optimistic and positive attitude. I still have feelings and dreams. I still don't want to be here. I still long for poetry and distant fields.
I have always believed Mandela's words: If you are bright, the world will not be dark. If you have hope, the world will not be completely desperate. What can the world do to you if you don't give in?
Yes, if you want to fall, the gods can't save you;
If you want to grow up, you can live anywhere.