You don’t have to apologize for being born as a human being
- Thoughts after reading "Disqualified in the World"
"My hell is on fire, all living beings are disqualified in the world, but my God is clear You want me to take care of all sentient beings and say sorry to me.”
What a humble and stubborn statement Dazai Osamu said in his suicide note: “I am a human being.” In his posthumous work "Disqualified in the World", we can peek into Dazai Osamu's inner world through Ye Zang. Through Ye Zang's eyes, all living beings are disqualified in the world, and there is no longer any color in the world that makes him nostalgic. He was trying hard to survive as a human being, but in the end he lost his qualifications as a human being. But dear Dazai, although the earth will not stop turning without you, the poem that writes your life in the world will no longer have a rhyming sound. Why do you need to apologize for being a human being?
I was attracted by Osamu Dazai’s life timeline: In May 1928, he attempted suicide by taking sleeping pills; on December 10, 1929, he attempted suicide; in 1930, he made an appointment with the bar girl Tanabe He died in love, Tanabe died, but he was saved; in 1935, he attempted to commit suicide by hanging; in 1937, he went to a water hot spring with the first geisha and attempted to commit suicide by taking sleeping pills; in 1948, he committed suicide by diving into the water with his female fan Yamazaki Furei. On his birthday, The remains were found. Throughout Dazai Osamu's lonely life, it seems that he has always been seeking death. Such a chronology of life is so depressing that one cannot breathe. After opening it and reading it, one feels that this is a semi-autobiographical novel. The protagonist is writing about Ye Zang and the author himself.
At the beginning of the book, I felt that Ye Zang was like a child who was not familiar with the world. He could not understand the shallowness of women’s hearts in the world, and he was constantly being used by the so-called friends around him, but he had his own Paranoid, he believed that if he made some concessions to life, life would begin to favor him, and even in order to blend in with the world, he began to learn all the despicable aspects of human nature. But human nature is complicated, and life may be just like the rules of the game. If you can afford it, continue; if you can't afford it, you are out. So he has been wandering among all kinds of people, flattering and catering, because he feels that this is how he exists among them. Just like the three photos in the first-hand letter, they all reveal a strange feeling of yin and yang, and the three photos I saw are all a "death look" of life and death. The smile in the photo, It's just pretentiousness to cater to and flatter. This character is so ironic that it makes people angry, but it is also heartbreakingly true.
"I extinguished the fire of hell and brought peace and happiness to the world. I said thank you to the gods with tears. From now on, hell has its owner, but the gods will not cross it."
Ye Zang behind Slowly began to "distort" his life, and his nature began to slowly deteriorate. Looking at the male servants who behaved inconsistently at his father's speech, he was extremely mocking the master's boring speech behind his back, and at the same time, he was trying to To please his master and give compliments against his will, he was surprised that he seemed to have discovered the "true meaning" of living. So later, when he practiced his discovery, he became nondescript and began to be incompatible with this society. Get rid of the "freaks" and "outsiders" in the eyes of everyone. In order to escape the world, he continued to self-exile, drink alcohol, visit prostitutes, and numb himself with drugs, gradually turning himself into a tragedy. In his opinion, this means that he has lost his qualifications as a human being. He lives as a human being, but he lives like a dead person. He "toddles", but in the end he "has a lame arm and a broken leg."
Admittedly, he also had hopes. In his life, a perfect ideal partner appeared - Liangzi. She was a woman who "completely trusted others" and "had a pure heart of trust" who was like a god. She appeared in the period when he lacked the most trust. I think this was undoubtedly a kind of salvation for him. And through this story, I can think of the author himself. Ye Zang has a good son, so who will be Dazai Osamu's good son? Is it his wife Xiaoshan? Or Tanabe who died for him? Or what about his fan Yamazaki? No matter who they are, I think just like Ye Zang, they may have become Dazai Osamu's spiritual salvation at some point. But at the end, I didn’t dare to say anything about Liangzi being his spiritual salvation. Because it is written in the book that when Liangzi was tainted because of his gullibility, he looked on and remained indifferent. Logically speaking, this woman is his wife, and she serves as a kind of spiritual salvation. For the husband's role, he should try his best to protect Liangzi from being violated; for the redeemed, Liangzi is the chaos in his heart. What kind of crime is it if God is defiled? How could he be so indifferent? But later I gradually understood that maybe the kind-hearted Liangzi was not his salvation. At that time, I thought no one could save him. Maybe Liangzi had brought him the joy of being a human being for a certain moment, but in the end, everything returned to peace at the moment she was defiled. He said, "I know someone loves me, but I seem to lack the ability to love. If I can avoid the violent joy, there will be no sadness." He also described in his childhood that he lacked the ability to sense hunger and happiness. Instinctively, to put it more bluntly, in his opinion, women may not be in the category of human beings. Their emotions are unpredictable, and their thoughts are like needles in the sea. Therefore, Ye Zang prefers to enjoy himself in a world with only women. Unbridled and unscrupulous.
“My galaxy collapsed, and the stars fell one after another, but my god wanted me to turn into a chain, and he paid attention to the stars, but forgot about me.
"
In the later period, Ye Zang was completely like a "walking zombie", and life no longer meant anything to him. In his eyes, most people's actions were ugly and hypocritical in all aspects of life. Human nature is at work. He no longer tries to please these people by forcing a smile on his face. During his dissolute days, he simply lives freely and freely. He no longer walks on thin ice, but actually lives like a human being. However, Ye Zang himself is still He lacks the courage to resist or even talk to others. Although he views everything in the world as an "outsider", he is still afraid of getting along with others. Therefore, these changes in him are just because he thinks he is noble. He wants to do it because he is weak. Pretending to become strong, in reality he still huddles in his own protected area with a cowardly body. As the saying goes, he has become a person living a shameful life.
He said: "I will regret it. Hidden in my heart, I blindly cover up my melancholy and sensitivity, try my best to disguise myself as an innocent optimist, and gradually shape myself into a funny and amusing freak; whenever I think I have reached the end of willfulness and despicableness, I look up. The eyes are full of abyss. "All the forbearance made him feel painful in the end, becoming an "alien" in the world and losing his qualifications as a human being. To be honest, I think he should not have had such a life. He was at so many forks in the road where he could have stopped his losses in time. But he will always choose the path that leads him into the abyss. When facing the elusive human society, he chooses an extremely alternative lifestyle and shows a detached attitude towards life. He follows in the footsteps of others. But he never took the initiative to think about whether his feet wearing such shoes were suitable for walking on this road. He didn't even have the desire to live an active life. He indulged in the joy of drunkenness and dreaming, and after returning to peace, he put away the darkness in his heart. The expression was so tactful and polite. Such a tragedy makes me sad. This apology should be about not trying to be a positive and correct person, rather than being a human being.
"In my mind, Xinghe. Hot, you are the ideal in the world; bright moon is cool, you are the dawn of the world; don't want to, insignificant to all living beings, you are unqualified in the world. ”
Through the book "Disqualification in the World" and through Osamu Dazai's novel Hazo, I saw the most cowardly part of our human nature. Maybe there is a Hazo in the heart of each of us. His views on the ugly side of the world can really easily arouse cries when we are frustrated. At that time, we were timid, cowardly, afraid of all kinds of doubts and ridicules from the world, and despised our repeated hypocrisy, condescension, and pretentious flattery. Living humiliatingly and humbly under various pressures, we may even feel that our tired progress suddenly becomes meaningless, and we also begin to tend to become "disqualified people in the world". As Ye Zang said: "Only living ignorantly, or living... Only shameless people can completely indulge in happiness, but those who cannot be perfect in at least one of them will live in hell where they are not even allowed to choose death. There is no way out, and there is powerless despair. "But we are different from Ye Zang. We will be sad many times in our lives. When we were young, we would suffer from unsatisfactory grades and the toys we did not get. When we grow up, we will suffer from the lack of freedom and the incomprehension of others. Many times in life, we will be sad. When we are deliberately difficult to overcome, and when pushed to the extreme, we may even feel that life is meaningless, but we generally make some resistance to this meaninglessness, even if it is a meaningless attempt, but in the end we are making a difference instead of If left alone, this seemingly meaningless resistance will lead to the birth of a certain meaning and give people the motivation to live.
Ye Zang said that he used the "harlequin spirit" as his motivation. His final courtship for others, but he is timid, weak and lacks the courage to reveal his heart and try to explore the hearts of others, so he believes that the world is not worth it and he has lost the qualifications to be a human being. But as a human being, we start with our own cry. , ended in the tears of others. All the things we experienced during this period are called happiness. There is no written standard that stipulates the standards for being a human being. Most of everything we have or lose is our subjective self-conception. We have been in this world. Having walked through and appeared in other people's lives, even for just a moment, is the value we gain as human beings, so why should we apologize?
Through Ye Zang's scattered and corrupt story? body, but I seem to see an eternally pure soul, full of persistent pursuit of a happy life and eager yearning for a better society. What I got from the book is that I cannot have a life attitude and lifestyle like Ye Zang. , it is an encouragement and a warning! I also want to say to Mr. Osamu Dazai: We are also precious, we are also important; we don’t have to be sorry for being human. May each of us be treated gently by this world and live a warm and pure life. Love and freedom.