"Carnegie once described such a thing in his book: once, I was waiting in line at the post office at the intersection of 32nd Street and 8th Avenue in new york to send a registered letter. The clerk behind the counter is obviously impatient with his work-weighing, taking stamps, giving change and writing receipts-the same monotonous work year after year. So I said to myself,' I hope that clerk likes me. In order to make him like it, I obviously have to say something nice-not myself, but him. "
"I asked myself again:' What is he worthy of praise?' Sometimes, this is really a problem, especially when the other person is a stranger. However, it seems not difficult for me to praise this employee in front of me. I immediately found something that would make him happy.
"When he started to serve me, I eagerly said to him,' I wish I had your hair.' He looked at me with some surprise and a smile on his face. "Oh, not as good as before!" He replied modestly. I told him that although it may not be as beautiful as before, it is still very enviable. He was very happy, talked to me for a while, and finally said, "Many people praised my hair. '
"I think this gentleman must have walked in the wind when he went out for lunch; When he comes home at night, he will tell his wife about it very ostentatiously; He will also look in the mirror and say to himself,' How beautiful my hair is!'
"I mentioned this in a speech, and someone asked me afterwards:' What do you want from that person?'
"What do I want from that man? What can I get from that man?
Isn't the gentleman who asked this a little too utilitarian? If we are all so selfish, once we don't benefit from others, we won't express a little appreciation or sincere gratitude to others-if our hearts are not much bigger than wild sour apples, how withered our souls will become and how pitiful our hearts will become.
"Yes, I hope to get something from that gentleman, but it is priceless, and I have got it. I got the pleasure of helping others, and this feeling will stay in my memory forever with the passage of time. "
There is an extremely important rule in people's behavior, which is to make others feel important at all times. If people abide by this rule, then no one will cause any trouble, and everyone can get sincere friendship and eternal happiness. On the contrary, if we break this rule, we will inevitably get into trouble.
The famous philosopher john dewey said: "The deepest driving force in human nature is the importance of hope." William james, a famous psychologist at Harvard University, also said: "The most eager need in human nature is the desire to be affirmed by others." I have also pointed out that it is this demand that makes human beings different from other animals; It is this demand that produces rich human culture.
For thousands of years, countless philosophers have deeply reflected on this issue. They only came to one conclusion. This rule is not new, it can be said to be as old as history. 2500 years ago, Sol Roya Hester taught this principle to his disciples in Persia. Confucius in China also earnestly persuaded his favorite pupil; Laozi, the ancestor of Taoism, also preached Buddhism in Hangu Pass. 500 years before the birth of Christ, the Buddha had taught all beings in this way on the sacred shore of the Ganges, and even the Hindu classics recorded it in this way ... This is probably the most important rule in the world: "If you want others to be good to you, you must be good to others first."
Everyone wants to be recognized by friends, need others to know their own value, and hope that they have a very important position in others' minds. No one likes cheap and insincere praise, and longs for sincere praise. As Charlie Shapiro said, "Praise others sincerely and generously." Our hearts are connected.
To this end, we must follow this eternal law-you should treat others as you want them to treat you.
So, when should we do it? Where to do it? How? The answer is: anytime, anywhere.
For example, if you order French fries in a restaurant and the waitress brings you a potato, we say, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I prefer French fries." The waitress might reply, "No, it's no trouble at all." She will be happy to change potatoes. Because we have paid our respects to her.
Besides, we can also use many daily expressions to alleviate the mistakes and troubles in our daily life, such as "Sorry to bother you …", "Can you …", "Would you like to …" and "Thank you".
Let's look at another example.
Have you read Kane's novel Christians, Judges and English Islanders? Thousands of people have read his novels. Kane, the son of a blacksmith, only attended school for eight years in his life, but when he died, he became the richest writer in the history of the world.
How did Kane create wealth? Probably the situation is this: because Kane loves poetry, he read all the poems of the great poet Rothschild. He also wrote a speech praising Rothdi's artistic achievements in poetry and gave it to him. Of course, Rosti was very happy. "Any young man who has such a profound insight into my talents," Rosie said, "must be a very smart person."
So Roddy invited Kane to his house and asked him to be his secretary. This is a rare opportunity for Kane to change his life path-because he contacted many famous contemporary writers in this new identity, got useful advice from them, and was encouraged and inspired by them to start his own writing career and eventually became famous all over the world.
Kane's hometown is Greba Castle in the Isle of Man, England, and now it has become a tourist attraction all over the world. He left a fortune as high as $2.5 million, but who knew that if he hadn't written the speech that sincerely praised Rossi, he might have died in poverty?
This is the power of sincere praise from the heart, which is a great power!
Rasty thinks he is important, which is nothing new-almost everyone thinks he is important, very, very important. This is the case in every country.
Do you think you are better than the Japanese? But in fact, the Japanese think they are much better than you. For example, a conservative Japanese will be extremely angry when he sees a white man dancing with a Japanese woman.
Do you think you are smarter than Indians? That's your freedom. But thousands of Indians think they are smarter than you. They disdain to associate with you, a heretic, and they don't want to touch the food defiled by your shadow.
Do you think you are better than Eskimos? This is also your freedom. But do you really want to know what Eskimos think of you? Among Eskimos, those idle and lazy hooligans are called "white people" by Eskimos-this is their most contemptuous name.
Almost every country thinks that it is better than other countries, so patriotism and war arise.
The undeniable fact is that anyone you have heard of may think that he is better than you in some ways. In fact, everyone has his advantages and something worth learning. Admit each other's importance and express it sincerely, and you will get his friendship.
Never forget what Emerson once said: "Everyone I meet is better than me. I can learn from him in this respect. "
But what makes people angry is that those who think they are successful but have nothing to do all day cover up their inner anxiety with disgusting flashy words, which are deceptive and shameless everywhere. This kind of person is just like Shakespeare said: "People! Arrogant person! With such a little talent, I ran amok in front of God and tricked the angels into tears. "
Here are three stories about the success of implementing these laws.
Let's start with a story about a Connecticut lawyer. Because he is a relative, he doesn't want others to know his name, so he is called Mr. R for the time being.
Shortly after Mr. R came to Carnegie training class, he and his wife drove to Long Island to visit her relatives. His wife left him to chat with her elderly aunt, while she visited several other relatives herself. Since Mr. R is going to talk about how to use the law of praise in class, he intends to train his talent in this field from the old lady.
Mr. R made a careful inspection around the old lady's house, hoping to find something he could sincerely praise.
"Is your house built around 1890?" Mr. R asked the old lady.
"Yes," the old lady replied, "it was built that year."
"It reminds me of the house where I was born." Mr. R said, "Great, beautiful and spacious! You know, people don't build such houses anymore. "
"Exactly, young man!" The old lady feels the same way. She said, "Young people nowadays don't care much about beautiful houses. All they want is a small apartment and a refrigerator, and then drive around carefree. "
"This is a house that embodies ideals and hopes." The old lady's voice trembled and she was lost in memories. She said softly, "This house is the crystallization of my love with my husband. My husband and I spent many years designing this house before building it. We didn't hire an architect, we designed it entirely by ourselves. "
Then, the old lady showed Mr R around the old house. The house is full of commemorative treasures collected by the old lady during her travels around the world: Persian shawls, old English tea sets, Wiig porcelain, French bedding, Italian oil paintings and silk curtains that were popular during the feudal dynasty of France and were specially used for castle decoration. She has always regarded these things as precious as life. Mr. R expressed sincere praise for these things.
"After the old lady showed me around the house," said the gentleman, "she took me to the garage again. There is an almost brand-new Buick limousine. "
"My husband bought this car shortly before he died." The old lady said softly, "I haven't used it since he left me ... young man, you appreciate beautiful things very much." I want to give you this car. "
"Oh, no! Aunt! " Mr. R said, "I don't know what to do. Of course, I cannot thank you enough for your kindness. But how can I accept such a valuable thing? I'm not your immediate family. I have my own car. Besides, many of your relatives also like this Buick! "
"relatives?" The old lady shouted excitedly, "Yes, I do have relatives. But they are all waiting for me to die so that they can get my car. But they can't get it. "
"If you don't want to give it to them, you can sell it to a used car franchise." Mr. r told the old lady.
"Sell it? ! "The old lady cried," do you think I want to sell? Do you think I'm willing to let strangers sit around in the car my husband bought me? Young man, I never dreamed of selling it. I just want to give it to you because you are a person who knows how to appreciate beautiful things. "
Mr. R tried his best to refuse the old lady's car, but in the end he had to accept it, because his refusal would only make her more sad.
The old lady lives alone in this empty old house. All she has is her Persian shawl, all kinds of British and French antiques, and her memories. What she longs for is praise and appreciation like Mr. R. She used to be young and beautiful, with many suitors. She once built this house with her husband * * *, which contained their eternal and warm love. They also collected all kinds of treasures from European countries to decorate this love nest.
But now, she is old. In this ancient and lonely environment, she longed for a little human warmth and a little sincere praise-but no one gave her what she needed. Now that Mr. R has given her all this, her heart is full of gratitude, just like the land where dew meets after a long drought, which makes her feel the feelings of long separation. Once she gets all this, even if she gives the Buick to Mr. R, she will never be able to fully express her gratitude to him.
Look at the following example.
Ronald Rowland is a lecturer in Carnegie training courses in California and also teaches art classes. He once told the story of Chris, a student in a primary handicraft class.
"Chris is a boy of 14 years old. He is quiet, shy and lacks self-confidence, so he seldom attracts attention in class. One day, I saw him working hard at his desk, so I went to talk to him. There seems to be an invisible flame in his heart. When I asked him if he liked the course, the expression on his face changed a lot. I could see that he was a little excited and tried to hold back his tears.
"'You mean, I didn't behave well enough, Mr. Roland?'
"'Oh, no! Chris, you're doing great.
"After class that day, Chris looked at me with bright blue eyes and said firmly and forcefully,' Thank you, Mr. Roland!' Chris taught me a lesson that I will never forget-we all have our own self-esteem. In order not to forget myself, I hung a sign in front of the classroom:' You are the most important.' In this way, not only can every student see it, but also remind me that every student I face is equally important. "
It is no exaggeration to say that almost everyone you meet thinks that he is better than you in some places. Therefore, the best way to impress their hearts is to show subtly that you think they are important.
Donald McMahon, manager of new york Horticultural Design and Maintenance Company, once told such a story:
"Once, I designed a garden for a famous connoisseur, who told me where he wanted to plant a heather and azaleas.
"I said,' Sir, I heard that you have many beautiful dogs. You can win several blue ribbon awards in the exhibition of Madison Square Garden every year, right?'
"This little compliment makes the connoisseur smile. He replied, "Yes, I get a lot of fun from keeping dogs. "Do you want to see them?"
"He spent dozens of minutes showing me all kinds of dogs and the prizes he won, and even explained to me how pedigree affects the appearance and wisdom of dogs.
"After the visit, he suddenly asked me,' Do you have children?'
"I said,' I have a son.'
"'Oh, does he want a puppy?' He asked.
"I replied,' He will be very happy.'
"'Well, I'll give him one.' The expert said generously.
"Then, he told me how to raise a puppy, but he stopped halfway. You probably won't write it down easily. I will write you a note. So he went into the house and gave me a description of his pedigree and reproduction.
"In this way, he not only gave me a puppy worth hundreds of yuan, but also accompanied me for more than an hour in his busy schedule. I did this only because of my understated praise. "
Look at Hysmans, the famous general manager of Kodak Company. He invented the transparent film and made the movable film a reality. He became a billionaire and one of the most famous entrepreneurs in the world. However, in spite of this, Heasman is eager to be appreciated by others, even a little appreciation will make him excited.
For example, just a few years ago, Hysman planned to build Hysman Conservatory of Music and kilbourne Grand Theatre in Rochester to commemorate his dead mother. Adams, the manager of graceness Seating Company who runs the seating business in new york, got the news and decided to undertake the seating business of these buildings. He called Yoto, the architect of Hysman, and they planned to visit Hysman in Rochester together.
When Adams met Yoto, the architect said, "I know you want this order. But I can tell you that Mr Heismann is a very strict man. He is the busiest man in the world. If you take up more than five minutes of his time, you can't expect to get the business. So I think you'd better make a long story short and come out quickly. "
But what did Adams do after meeting Huysmans?
When he was brought into the room, Heasman was reading the document with his head down. After a while, Heasman took off his glasses, raised his head, approached Yoto and Adams, and said, "Hello, gentlemen. What can I do for you? "
After a brief introduction by architect Yoto, Adams said, "Mr. Heismann, I have been admiring your office while we were waiting for you. I think if I have an office like yours, I will definitely work hard. You know, I am engaged in indoor carpentry and decoration, but I have never seen a better office in my life. "
Hysmans said, "Oh, I really can't remember these things if you didn't say so. Isn't this office beautiful? I liked it after I installed it. But now I have a lot of things to deal with every day, and my mind is full of work, so I haven't noticed my beautiful office for a long time. "
Adams stepped forward, touched Heasman's desk and said, "This is English oak, isn't it? It's a little different from Italian oak. "
"yes." Hysmans replied, "That's an imported English oak table. This is specially selected for me by a friend who knows hardwood very well. "
Later, Hysmans showed Adams and Jotto around the whole office, and introduced to him in detail the size, color, fine carving and some decorations designed with his participation-obviously, Hysmans was happy to show these things to his guests.
Just as they were admiring the wooden decoration in the office, they came to a window and stopped. At this time, Heasman introduced to Adams some institutions that he would donate to build, such as the University of Rochester, public hospitals, homeopathic hospitals, charitable sanatoriums, children's hospitals, etc ... When talking about these, Heasman was so modest and calm. On the other hand, Adams lost no time in appreciating his noble behavior of saving the suffering of human diseases with the wealth he created.
After a while, Hysmans opened a glass cabinet and took out an invention he bought from an Englishman-the world's first camera he owned.
Then, Adams asked Huysmans in detail about his early hard work. Mr. Hysmans then opened the emotional box and told an emotional story about his poor childhood. He once worked as a salesman in an insurance company to earn fifty cents a day, and his widowed mother rented a house and opened a hotel to support her family. Heismann suffered day and night because poverty troubled him. He was determined to make money and earn enough money to make his mother stop running the hotel and be dragged to death.
Adams listened to this quietly, fascinated.
Hysmans told Adams about his experience of experimenting with film: in order to succeed as soon as possible, he stayed in the laboratory all day and all night to do various experiments, and only took a nap when chemicals reacted; Once he worked for 72 hours in a row. Because of fatigue, he fell asleep in his overalls.
Adams entered Heismann's office at 10 15, and the architect Yoto warned him not to exceed five minutes. But an hour passed, two hours passed ... and they kept talking.
Finally, Heasman said to Adams, "I bought some chairs from Japan last time and put them on my balcony. But they have been stripped of paint by the sun, so I went to the street to buy some paint and painted it myself. Do you want to go to my house and see how I draw? Okay, we have a deal. Come to my house, have lunch together and look at the chair I drew. What do you think? "
Adams accepted Mr Heasman's invitation. After lunch, Heismann showed Adams the chair he painted himself. In fact, these chairs are not worth a few dollars at all, but they are important things to billionaire Mr. Heasman, who is very proud of drawing them.
The seat Mr. Hysmans wants to book this time is worth 90 thousand dollars, and many businesses are staring at this business. Can you think of anyone who got the business? Is it Adams or his competitor?
From then on, until Mr. Heismann died, he and Adams kept close contact, and they became the closest friends.
How should we use this golden rule of praising others? Why not start with your own family? Nowhere is it needed more than at home. Your wife will definitely have her advantages, or at least some advantages, or will you marry her? However, how long has it been since you appreciated her? Do you remember? How long has it been?
Don't get married unless you know how to praise others; It is natural to praise women before marriage, and it is necessary to praise women after marriage, which is also related to your sincerity to your wife and family safety; Marriage is not boiled water, but a place for emotional diplomacy.
Therefore, if you want to be happy every day, don't blame your wife, and don't compare her inappropriately with your mother, which will only lead to her complaints. On the contrary, you should always praise her housekeeping skills and praise her for keeping the house clean; Even in front of others, I said that I married a talented and beautiful wife, which is really lucky. Even if she sometimes bakes the steak as burnt as cowhide and the bread as black as charcoal, you should not complain at all, but say that she is not up to the usual level, then she will try her best to meet your expectations of her.
But, don't start suddenly, or she will get suspicious.
You should always buy her some flowers and sweets. You can't just say, "Yes, I should." But to really put it into practice! Then give her a smile and say a few warm words of love to her. If more couples can do this, there will be no failure in every six marriages.
Do you want to know how to make women love you? Well, here's a secret, and it works. Dix found this. She once visited a famous bigamist-he won the hearts of 23 women and put their money in the bank (it should be noted that Dix visited this man in prison). When she asked him how he made women fall in love with him, he said there was nothing mysterious, just talking to women about himself.
The same method works for men. "Talk to a man about himself," said disraeli, the cleverest prime minister of the British Empire. "He will be willing to listen for hours."