I don't have enough water to comment. If I'm not mistaken, it's Mann Fang Ting. If it weren't for Fang Ting, it would be nonsense after me. However, if you fill in strictly according to the epigraph, it will be too wrong, the number of words is wrong, and the rhyming words are not made. But if I'm too old-fashioned, I don't have to compare words. However, the inscription format developed by the ancients is enduring, which shows that the inscription format is very useful.
Poetry, first of all, should be interesting. Of course, my level is limited and I don't know much about you. Then, reading fluently is also very important, that is, rhyming fluently. Why do those things "ask how much sadness you can have, like a river flowing eastward?" "The foot of my bed is shining with such bright light. Is it frosty already? "Wait, many poems can be memorized by people through the ages. In addition to artistic conception, they are also very smooth, and you will remember them naturally after reading them.
Poetry seems to be initiated from oral communication at first (I don't remember this clearly, it may be wrong), which shows that poetry is to be read and read.
Write down what you want to express first. Your poem was really difficult for me to read at first. It didn't rhyme or flow smoothly. But this may be my problem. I also watched it several times before I read it smoothly.
As for the meaning, I don't understand it enough to understand your meaning well. It seems that I want to express some regrets and other worries, sadness and helplessness. Of course, this is just speculation. But I can make a comment. Words are not like poetry. The language of writing should be straightforward, that is, to express complex feelings with simple words, so that people can understand at a glance. Those feelings in your heart can be understood at a glance. In fact, it is the most difficult to express complex feelings with simple words. If you don't write for a long time, you won't know what you are talking about. It is difficult to express its full meaning by patchwork. It is best to have a core content in advance and a main tone of feelings.
I'm also a little interested in poetry. Of course, I have little knowledge and haven't read many books, so there are many omissions and mistakes in it. I just want to make some suggestions.