Xi Murong's prose!
There is a website address:/040320041510265.aspx
This one also contains his poetry, which is quite complete!
1. Tung Blossom
April 24
On the long road, I was walking towards a series of rolling hills. I don’t know where to stop, I can tell him all the unreasonable sorrows in the past ten or twenty years. The forest is clean and fresh, the mountains are tight-lipped, and no one is willing to tell me about the coming bloom and wither.
April 25
On the long road, I was heading towards a series of rolling hills. At the very beginning, it seemed like an extremely ordinary encounter. If it weren't for the long-cherished hope in our hearts, we might have missed the faintly flowing message that had been conveyed to each other in the wind and clouds.
The April wind blows, and the mountains are calm and facing me with a smile. In his arms, flying in the wind were deep and shallow grass leaves and branches of the same color.
I gradually approached the mountains, hoping to know his mood at the moment. There are vague whispers passing through the woods. At the end of April, life is brewing a mellow change, a commotion that cannot be completely predicted.
May 8
After the low call passed, the whole world was covered in the shade of snow-white flowers.
The sun is shining brightly in the sky, the mountains are stretching, and the clusters of white flowers are like a flowing river. It was as if all the lives in the world were invited to come. At this moment, under the transparent and mellow sunshine, they cheered at the same time, whirled at the same time, and transformed into countless free and floating light points at the same time.
Such an afternoon full of white flowers always feels familiar, and it always feels like a gathering that can be put into any kind of time and space. You can put it in the Book of Songs, you can put it in the Songs of Chu, you can put it in classicism, and at the same time you can put it in the writing of post-impressionism - in any beautiful record of human beings, there should be such an afternoon, such an early summer.
There is always such an early summer, when the sky is beautiful and the white flowers are blooming high in the trees. There is always a woman in red walking slowly through the green fields, the breeze blowing her dress and hair. New tea is planted in the fields, Polygonum flowers are blooming, and thin wood sorrel grows.
The snow-white flower shades and winding paths appear repeatedly in poems and paintings. All the light and shadow and all the joys and sorrows are clearly dreamed on the pillows of my predecessors. I don’t know whether the flowers blooming for me today are... In which autumn did the seeds fall? Could it be that the love we persist in throughout our lives was already a story that was written in a book thousands of years ago?
The mountains in May finally moved and embraced me with infinite tenderness. The moment I longed for finally arrived, but I found that in his arms, in the deep forest, the tung flowers were blooming. Like brocade, one side keeps falling down.
May 11
Is it true that after a moment of joyful gathering, life can only be separated and withered?
At the moment when I turned around, the tung flowers were falling continuously. The tight knot in my heart slowly loosened, and the mountains were beside me, leaning against the waves and the moonlight. I bowed my head and thanked him softly for every beautiful day and quiet night he had given me. From now on, I only remember that under the shade of snow-white flowers, there is a path that does not allow you to go to the end, and there is all the happiness in this world that is belated, but must come to an end in a hurry.
May 15th
The tung flowers have all fallen, but the soft sound of falling flowers still remains in the forest. Walking back to the long road, I don’t know who to confirm this kind of sadness that alternates between happiness and sadness.
In the infinite silence and indifference all around, every tree retreated to its original corner. I looked back at Yiyi and stared at him. The peak had passed. If I continued on, it would be the vast, flat road with no worries or worries, right? The mountains were silent and refused to answer me. In the gradually deepening twilight, it seemed that I had forgotten what childish and pitiful passion there was in the mountains when the flowers were blooming.
I had no choice but to come back and wait for time to pass, hoping to gradually forget all of this like him. But why, in the long dark night, can we still hear the sound of tung flowers falling in the deserted forest? Why? The flowers have fallen, but the sound of falling flowers still remains in my heart.
After all the flowers have fallen, the sound of falling flowers still remains in my heart, one by one, falling gently in the deserted mountains.
——Knotting notes in the early summer of 1984
2.
On a moonlit night
I was walking alone on the mountain road .
The casuarinas on both sides grow very tall. When the wind blows, they will make a sound that makes people feel very trance-like. It is strong and weak, a bit like the ocean tide.
The sea is right at the foot of the mountain. After walking through this mountain road, I can walk to the beach at the southernmost tip of Taiwan. It was late at night and there was no one on the road, but I was not afraid because there was a moon.
Because the moon is very bright, it illuminates everything clearly, and the mountain road is like a swirling ribbon that goes through the forest. I really want to keep walking like this.
How great it would be if I could just keep going like this!
But of course, I can't do this. I should go back to my hotel room. Because I have been painting at the beach all day during the day. Tomorrow morning, I will go to the mountains to sketch with several other friends. The most important thing I need to do now is to go back to the room to take a shower and sleep to prepare for tomorrow.
However, I really don’t want to go back. I can’t spend such a moonlit night leisurely. In such a moonlit night, many unforgettable moments will come back. This kind of full moon has been appearing in my life continuously. In every unforgettable moment, it is there, high in the clear sky. Looking down at me, scrutinizing me, accompanying me.
The memories of the day are often forgotten by me, but the things under the moon are always deeply engraved in my heart, and even some irrelevant people and things will not be forgotten.
It’s like one year in Switzerland, I attended a French class summer camp and lived in an old monastery in the mountains for ten days. The students included both Easterners and Westerners. Ripe. One night, a dozen people went for a walk in the woods behind the church. The moon was very bright that night, but we in the woods didn't think much of it at first. When we walked out of the woods and faced a large open grassland, we realized that the moon had illuminated the entire mountain and the entire grassland. Like day. What is brighter than the day is a transparent aqua halo, flowing everywhere in the mountains and grass. It is very bright but very soft, like water and a bit like wine.
We all calmed down. At that time, a dozen young hearts understood a bit of the mysterious beauty unique to the moonlit night. No one was willing to speak, and everyone looked around with bated breath, as if they all wanted to remember this moment as much as possible and keep it in their hearts.
Then, a boy from Ireland suddenly shouted excitedly:
"Run! Let's see who runs into the woods over there first!"
Yes! Run! In this moonlight, on this vast grassy slope, let us run wildly, using all our strength, until we run into the woods and shadows on the opposite side!
Everyone screamed and rushed forward. I moved slowly and fell behind them, but I still ran along happily. At this time, a boy in the crowd in front turned back to me and shouted with a smile:
"Hurry! Xi Murong, we are waiting for you!"
I was startled, no I know how he knew my name. I only know that he is a Chinese classmate studying engineering at the University of Zurich. During the day in class, he is always in the corner and never says a word to me.
At that time, I didn’t even know his last name, but the moment he turned around and called me, I suddenly felt a sense of déjà vu. His smiling face was very clear in the moonlight, and such handsome features could not be seen in the daytime. I told you the reason, but that night, when he turned back and called me under the moon, I always felt that I had seen the same thing before: the same moon, the same mountain, the same young man looking back and smiling. .
Of course, it was just a momentary feeling. Then I waved and stepped hard to catch up, crossing the grassland with them and running into the darkness that was waiting. in the woods.
I can’t remember what happened after that night. I think it was just that the wind was getting stronger, the weather was getting colder, and the night was getting deeper; then, there would be more sensible people Suggesting that it’s time to go back, that’s probably it, right? Isn't this how every beautiful night in the world ends?
I have never met that boy again, but sometimes, on moonlit nights, I often think of some similar moonlit nights, and I often think of him. Many years passed like this.
After returning to China, once, during a painting exhibition at the History Museum, a middle-aged couple came up from the crowd and congratulated me. After talking, I found out that the man and I had been at a summer camp in Switzerland. I went to school with him, and suddenly I remembered that he was the young man who turned back and called to me under the moonlight that night, and his look between his features still vaguely remained. I suddenly became excited and asked him loudly:
"Do you remember? One night, we raced under the moon?"
He thought for a moment, and then I'm sorry to say:
"I'm sorry, I can't remember it at all. I do remember that at the graduation ceremony, our Chinese classmates sang Jasmine and we sang out of tune. You were angry and laughing at the same time."
p>He doesn’t remember the things I remember, but I have long forgotten the things he remembers. What a boring meeting! His wife listened patiently to our conversation and showed an interested smile. However, can I say some words? Facing this gorgeously dressed and elegant couple in front of me, can I describe the feeling I had that night? If I say it, what kind of misunderstanding will it cause?
Of course, I didn’t say anything. I just exchanged a few words with them and said goodbye. The man said that they might have to go abroad again, and I don’t know what year it will be when we meet again.
At that time, after they left, I just felt it was a pity. If I could let him know that in the years that flowed by like water, there was someone who once so clearly remembered his voice and smile at a certain moment when he was young, would he be displeased by it? And feel happier?
The moon rose very high, and I was almost walking to the beach. The casuarinas were gone, replaced by clumps of casuarinas, silently knotting among the rocks. Many of them are in bloom, and their long straight flower stalks have a very strange shape. The moon looks particularly round above them.
The sea breeze was so strong that it made my clothes cling tightly to my body. I was afraid it was time to go back. After all, I am no longer the same person I was when I was young.
I feel a little funny in my heart. It turns out that no matter how much I plan and how I persist, the beautiful night still has to end here. It still has to end with going back to the room and sleeping in bed. Over the years, how many times have I encountered the moonlight as clear as night, how many times have I wanted to keep going, always hoping that someone would have the same feeling as me, in the moonlight that is as clear as water and wine, On the mountain road covered with lush and fragrant grass, walk with me non-stop, keep walking, let everything remain unchanged, and there will never be an end.
And it has never been possible. There will always be someone who calmly and gently persuades me and turns around halfway through. There is always someone telling me what I should do. There will always be people laughing at me and saying what silly ideas I have!
But tonight, no one is by my side, I could have kept walking. However, I could only stop with a smile, and stopped in front of the beach and the sea water close at hand. The waves gently hit the beach, making a hissing sound like a sigh, but I was powerless to do anything. The only thing I could do was to turn around and walk back the way I came.
However, I am more mature tonight. I think, in fact, I don’t have to feel sorry for the things I failed to say or do. I think that in my own years, there must be some voices and smiles left in the hearts of some unrelated people. The days do not pass in vain. There must be some memories worth cherishing and collecting. As long as I can stay, I stay, whether it's just once or just for a moment, whether it's in the hearts of people I know or people I don't know.
This should be how things are in the world.
The moon was watching me quietly, watching me walk back alone with a smile.
3. The taste of life
1
On the phone, T told me that he finally lost his temper and cursed someone because of something he couldn't bear.
I asked him, after losing his temper, will he regret it?
He said:
"I want to learn not to regret. It's like the regret of dropping a teacup and then trying to stick it back together. I don't want it."
p>
I listened quietly to my friend's deep voice, and suddenly felt a sense of wistfulness in my heart.
When we were young, we all had simple and generous souls! Why? Why must it gradually become more complex and sharp as it grows? Are you constantly hurting yourself and others through various ties? We still have to learn not to regret. What is all this for?
That whole day, the sound of a porcelain cup breaking on the hard ground would always ring in my ears, and pieces of broken porcelain that were once as smooth as jade flew all over the floor in an instant.
Can I also learn not to regret?
2
Life is full of struggles, big and small, including happiness and freedom. A struggle is inevitable.
When I was young, I always followed the crowd around me, rushing forward, eager to know everything, eager to get what I should be able to get. But it took me until today to understand that what I thought I was fighting for was what I gave up. What I thought I gained from now on was actually what I could never lose.
However, if you want to correct and redeem all this, you need more and greater courage.
When I reach middle age, I gradually develop a different kind of values. Things that I originally thought were important are no longer so important, and things that I have deliberately ignored begin to call me. , just like the sound of wind among the grass blades, the undulating breath of the ocean, and the moonlight all over the night.
I wish I could slow down my pace, and I wish I could answer the call of all the beautiful life in nature!
However, I never have enough courage to answer them. My childhood education has molded me into a meek and ordinary person who cannot leave the group. I can only move forward day by day on the long arranged road.
If one day, I suddenly become the hermit I envy, then before I can hide in the mountains and forests, I must have gone through an extremely brutal fight, right?
Perhaps it can be said that those hermits who do not fight or seize, and have no desires or desires, may actually be those who have greater desires and fight harder for life.
Can this be explained?
3
——If I truly love someone, then I love all people, I love the whole world, I love
life. If I can say "I love you" to a person, I can also say "in you" I love everyone, through you, I love the whole world, and in your life I love Myself."
——E. Fromm
It turns out that loving someone is not just a strong feeling, it is also "a determination, a decision. Judgment, a promise. "
Then, that night, walking on the country coastal road, it was quite normal that I suddenly had the desire to call out loudly.
I had just walked from the beach, and I was still very reluctant to leave such a fine, white and clean beach behind. That night, the night was as cool as water, and the stars and moon were shining brightly in the sapphire night sky. I stood barefoot on the beach, and I could feel the warmth, dryness and looseness of the floating sand grains, and I could also feel the moistness and coolness of the next layer of sand grains at the same time. And solid, the sound of the waves is particularly soft in the quiet night.
Think about it, how many years will it take to fill this undulating ocean? How many years will it take to erode the rocks into fine grains of sand and spread them evenly under my feet? How many years does it take to create such a cool and beautiful night? How many years will it take? Can this world wait for our arrival?
If you are still unwilling and dare not tell the secret that has been hidden in your heart at such a moment, if you are always worried about its impermanence when enjoying it, if you are still calculating about love when being loved, When will I stop loving and being loved; then, where am I enjoying my life? I just keep wasting it and destroying it.
Of course I still left that night. Of course I still wanted to leave the waves, the beach, and the moonlight behind. However, I am still grateful in my heart, so I can't help but want to call out to the whole world:
"Thank you! Thank you for everything!"
I thought, Above the deep sapphire starry sky, hundreds of millions of light-years away, there must be a gentle and compassionate force that heard my thanks, and bowed its head slightly and smiled lovingly at me.
At the moment when I called out loudly, did I also make a decision, make a judgment, and make a commitment?
If I can learn to truly love my life, I will surely also learn to truly love people and the world.
4
So, please let me learn to be responsible for my actions, and please let me learn not to regret it. Of course, please also let me learn not to repeat my mistakes.
Please let me finally understand that every path has its own reasons for having to travel this way. Please let me finally believe that every path to take has its own direction that it has to choose.
Please let me live in this moment and let me enjoy my day.
Beyond all this, please let me appreciate the humility and dignity of life. Let me know that the entire human life is like an artistic creation that has been pondering. It has begun before me and will not stop or end after me. However, my arrival and my existence are this long. It is an indispensable point in the process of thinking, and every effort I make will leave a mark.
Please let me, let me taste the taste of life calmly.
4. Light floral fragrance
Someone once asked me, why do I like plants so much? Why do you always like to draw flowers?
In fact, what I like is not only that flower, but all the memories that appear with that flower at the same time. What I like may not even be the nature in front of me, but the nature in The mood that evokes in me.
Today, I heard something from a friend that moved me. He said:
"Friendship is the same as the fragrance of flowers. It is better to have a lighter fragrance. The lighter the fragrance, the more beautiful it is." The more people are attached to, the longer they last.”
It’s true! In this long road of life, how many times have you been greeted by the faint fragrance of flowers? How many friends have I had who have smiled at me and showered me with the fragrance of flowers? Their smiling faces and their light love will always remain in my heart.
I’m afraid we have to start tracing back from that very early moment.
Little Guard
My childhood memories are always a bit confusing, probably because I entered school too early. I remember it was before I was five years old, in Nanjing.
Just because my sister went to school and I had no playmates at home, I was sent to school as well, thinking that as sisters, we would have someone to take care of me, but I didn’t expect that when I was divided into classes, I One person is assigned to another class.
When I was less than five years old, I didn’t know that my incompetence was due to my young age, but I only thought that I was stupid.
I couldn't do anything that all my classmates knew. I couldn't keep up with any of the songs that they could sing. Sitting alone in a crowded classroom, I felt very lonely.
I always look forward to the end of school. After school, my sister will come to pick me up. When I walk through the barracks next to the school, if it is the little guard standing guard, he will definitely give me a sweet flower. And white flowers.
For so many years, I have never been able to figure out why among the many children who came home from school, he recognized me and fell in love with me. During that whole season of flowers blooming, He picked the fragrant flowers for me and kept them for me. When I passed his post, he would run out and put the flowers into my little hands.
I have forgotten his face. I only remember that he was a very young guard, as young as a child. Wearing a military uniform that was too big and ill-fitting, he had a shy smile and was always in a hurry when he ran out of the guard box.
The flowers are very big, white and very fragrant. I have never known which kind of flower it is. The fragrance is somewhere between ginger flowers and plumeria flowers. After so many years, every time I smell that similar flower When you smell the fragrance, you will think of him.
I think of that distant land and that lonely heart.
I remembered my wandering childhood. When I left Nanjing, I didn’t say goodbye to any of my playmates.
Gaoji
When I think of Gaoji, I think of those water ginger flowers.
When I was studying in the art department of Beijing Normal University, Gao Ji was my classmate in the general department.
We only became acquainted in the third grade. Every day before going to evening self-study, we would sit in front of the window in the corridor of the classroom on the second floor. I didn’t know how there were so many things to say, and we talked while talking. Laughing, they had to wait until the teacher intervened before they would go back to their respective classrooms to do their homework.
At that time, some classmates were already making boyfriends or girlfriends. However, between Gao Ji and I, there was a very clear friendship. We probably edited the school magazine together, and there was a sense of romance between us, and the content of our conversations was extremely broad.
Life goes by so fast, graduation trip, graduation exam, and then graduation. Throughout July, I stayed at my home in the countryside of Muzha. I loved running around in the mountains every day.
One morning, Gao Ji suddenly came to my house with another classmate to look for me. In front of my house, two tall boys became shy. They stood outside the courtyard wall and did not dare to come in. They greeted me from a distance across a large lawn.
My father happened to be at home that day. Sitting in the floor-to-ceiling window of the living room, he seemed surprised and didn't know how to deal with this unexpected thing for him. To him, it seemed that I should still be the silly "Rong'er" who had always looked like a little boy; why did I grow up without warning and turn out to be a girl who had boys come to her door?
I think my father was surprised and a little angry, so his reaction was:
"No, you are not allowed to go out."
However, Sister De happened to be at home that day, and she immediately begged my father for me:
"Let Rongrong go, we are all her classmates!"
< p> I never knew whether it was because of Sister De’s plea or because my father gradually calmed down, but at that time, I was so happy that I didn’t have time to find out. After my father nodded, I quickly put on my shoes and ran out. Joined them.That was the last time I saw Gao Ji.
That day, the three of us ran to the mountain behind the Nanzhi Palace. The streams on the mountain were covered with water ginger flowers, and the whole mountain was filled with that fragrance. Gao Ji said that he was going back to Kinmen to teach, and I said that I might be able to recommend him to the Normal University. There were many clouds in the sky that day, and there were also many misty longings in our young hearts. We blessed each other and made an appointment. Write letters often.
However, after the two people separated, they did not exchange any messages. I finally learned about his message more than 20 years later, when I read in the newspaper about the Kinmen plane crash and that he was there. Among the people on the list of people who were involved in the accident, it is said that he is coming to Taiwan for a meeting and is already the principal of a primary school.
When I first saw his name in the newspaper, I didn't feel sorry for it. Then, in an instant, my whole body froze. For me, it has always been such a young and beautiful life! How can such an ending be believable?
"Gaoji, Gaoji," I kept calling this name softly in my heart. At this time, all the water ginger flowers that year seemed to have reopened, and in the trance-like fragrance, I let my tears flow down my face.
I really cherish a good friend of mine when I was young!
Wild Lily
That day, when the four of us stopped on the mountain road, we originally just wanted to observe the group of black birds nearby, but we didn’t expect that, After getting out of the car, I discovered that on this high and cool mountain, wild lilies were blooming everywhere!
The mountain is very high and cool. It is dusk, and moist clouds and mist are swimming around us, carrying a faint fragrance. All of these are exactly the same!
Everything is exactly the same, and even though so many years have passed, why do I feel exactly the same in my heart!
I can’t wait to tell my friends who are traveling with me how similar everything in front of me is to a dusk when I was eighteen years old. The same gray-green dusk, the same moist and cool clouds, the same white flowers blooming all over the mountain; who says time cannot be returned? Who said the world is full of changing things? Who says I can't re-encounter the beauty I once missed?
I was almost incoherent, and my friends probably caught on to my excitement. Chen began to climb down the rock and picked them one by one for me in the deep grass. Song Ye picked up the camera and took pictures one after another. While I was worried about the steepness of the rock, I secretly hoped that Chen could do more. Pick a few flowers.
Chen is indeed a friend who knows my heart well. He picked a large handful for me and handed it to me with a smile.
When I held Lily in my arms, I felt an indescribable joy and satisfaction.
How many times in your life can you hold a whole bouquet of fragrant and white lilies in your arms on a high, cool mountain?
How many years ago! It was just that once. It was the same four people walking together, it was the same twilight, the same mountain tops were full of wild lilies, and the same smiling friend sent me a whole bouquet of flowers.
It was just once, but it will never be forgotten.
The comforting thing is that we will never forget. It turns out that feeling is still deep in my heart, and the admiration and love for nature are still with me forever. So many years have passed and I have experienced so many vicissitudes of life. Fortunately, that heart has not changed.
What is even more gratifying is that twenty years later, I can confirm this feeling again. Therefore, on that day, when I took over the bouquet of fragrant lilies, I really felt that this was almost the most luxurious moment in my life.
And all this is thanks to my friends.
So, do you think I love flowers? What I love is actually the feeling of cherishment and gratitude that comes with the fragrance of flowers.
Just like this friend I met today, how many moving philosophical thoughts are contained in the short sentence he said?
What I mean by "moving" is like a few sincere friends who are always paying attention to you, caring for you, appreciating you when you are happy, comforting you when you are sad, and even , when revealing all kinds of truths about life to you, he also deliberately chooses some gentle sentences like "flower fragrance" to avoid the sharp edges and corners of the real world from hurting you; think about it, what about such a broad and delicate mind? Isn’t it touching?
I really love this world. What I have always wondered is, why is this world always so kind to me? Why are all my friends so partial and indulgent to me? Why is there always a faint floral fragrance as I walk forward? Sometimes it's hazy, sometimes it's clear, but it always refuses to go away for a long time?
I have so many good friends accompanying me on this journey. You say, how could I not wish that this journey could be longer and longer?
It is because of this that I began to worry and fear. My happiness and joy could not help but be mixed with some faint sadness, just like the clouds and mist that came with me. Ruo Wu's flowers have the same fragrance.
However, life may be like this. Whether it is joy or sadness, it is always worth taking it seriously.
I think this is how life should be.
5.
Lights
In the night fog, please light all the lights for me.
1
He once came to her house when she was five years old.
The two families were family friends, but after decades, they really can’t remember the actual circumstances of that meeting, but both of them had a vague feeling about it. Decision: They had already met when she was five years old.
At her father’s banquet, she occasionally encountered such a scene: her father raised a glass to persuade a friend to drink, and the uncle refused to drink, so her father would say:
< p> "What? The friend we met fifty years ago can't even have a glass of wine with us?"It's strange to say that it turns out that he has heart disease and stomach problems. The uncle suddenly couldn't say anything, so he immediately raised his glass and drank it all in one gulp. Then, with a radiant face, he turned around amidst the applause of the crowd and smiled, asking his father to come and have another drink.
At that time, there was always a warm feeling in her heart. Fifty years! Fifty years! And what a wandering life it was for fifty years! After such long and difficult years, I can meet my friends from my youth again and raise a glass again. How can I not drink up such a glass of wine?
She was gradually able to understand this feeling. Now that he has entered middle age, it is really a blessing to have a friend like him sitting in front of him and listening to her tell all the joys and sorrows of recent times.
No matter what she said, he would listen silently, and occasionally insert a sentence or two. The rest of the time, he would always look at her with a tolerant look, with a smile on his lips. The smile seemed to be saying:
"You can make trouble as you please. Anyway, I have known you since you were five years old."
In that kind of way At this moment, she couldn't help but be grateful for the flying time that she had always resented. It is because time flies that she can confirm this simple happiness again and again in just a few decades. She liked this feeling, as if no matter how gloomy the sky was, there was always someone willing to leave a piece of very clean and very transparent blue for her.
Is that the color that only the sky can have when you are five years old? And what about all the other friends who are five years old?
2
He is the most knowledgeable among her friends, because he knows the names of all the flowers, trees and plants.
It had only been two or three years since I had known him, but I soon became as familiar as an old friend who had known him for a lifetime. That's because as long as she sees an unknown flower or plant, it will remind her of him, thinking that he will definitely know the name of the plant.
And he has never let her down.
As long as she told the shape, color and characteristics of the plants, he on the other end of the phone would immediately