Who has the lines of Yang Shaohua's stand-up comedy Selling Books?

Poets sell books.

Dude, you have nothing to do in summer. What are you doing squatting here with this pile of books?

Forget it. I am selling books.

A: Selling books? When did you become a bookseller? You must have made a lot of money, right?

B: Money, money, you know money.

Hey, this guy is so boring. My buddy won't invite me for a chance to make money.

What opportunities to make money? What are the opportunities to make money? I'm tired of listening to money. Don't always talk about money, okay? (A touches B's head, and B knocks A's hand and says), why are you?

I said, man, what happened today? You're not sick, are you?

I'm bored enough. Don't bother me here. Last time you called me sick, this time you called me sick again. If I am really sick, you will be happy if I die.

Dude, I didn't offend you. You took gun medicine today. Why are you so energetic? Tell me if you have anything. We are good friends. I will help you as long as I can.

B: it's not easy to help me. I'm afraid you won't help.

Go ahead, what do you think? As long as I can help-

Buy my book.

A: Buy books. Which of your books are useful to me? Let me buy them.

B: How can it be useless? Poetry collection. Even if you don't know poetry, you can still teach your children to learn it when you go home.

A: My family really has a lot of poems, including Tang poetry, Song poetry and Yuan music. I don't think I need to buy any more. It seems that there is nothing I can do. My wife will scold me if I buy too much. It's not that you don't know that I was born with bronchitis, and I'm afraid of my wife.

Don't worry, it's not heavy. Mine is modern new poetry.

A: Let me look at modern new poetry first. Look at this. Go home and call my wife. My wife said she would buy it, but she said I couldn't help it if she didn't buy it. I never make a decision about shopping.

You said you were helping me. It seems to be nonsense!

A: Well, it's not that I won't help you. I can't help it Tell me how many copies you have sold.

B: I sold a few copies, but I didn't sell any. Otherwise, I will be in a hurry.

A: Has no one stopped by to have a look?

I stopped to watch a lot. I just browsed, and they all left before I was allowed to introduce them. (b) Pointing to the distance, he said,) Have you seen it? There's a master there, very powerful! I sell poems here, and he also sells poems, taking all my business away.

What poems does he sell?

B: Tang poetry, Song lyrics, Yuanqu, Shijing and Lisao are all ancient, and they have everything!

How is his business?

B: I see many people buying it.

A: It seems that modern new poetry is not easy to sell!

B: It's not hard to sell. The main reason is that the buyers were too impatient and left without my introduction. In fact, as long as they give me a chance to talk, I will definitely sell it.

Really? So confident.

Of course, we riverside people, Dean He said, have first-class and best poetry collections.

Don't mention your dean. I don't believe him. You know what? I'll pretend to be a buyer and you sell books here. See if you can convince me.

All right, give it a try. If I can convince you, you must buy my book.

A: Well, I'm desperate. At most, my wife will punch a few more mouths.

B: Let's get started.

A: I will pretend to be an illiterate old lady. I come from the country, and I look after my son in the city.

B: Well, whoever you pretend to be, as long as you let me talk, I can convince you.

A: Then I'll start.

B: Let's get started!

A: (A bends over and seems to bow) What are you doing, young man?

B: Oh! Auntie! I am selling books. How about you buy one?

What book?

B: I'll show you one first.

No, I come from the countryside. I don't know a word or understand it.

B: it doesn't matter if you don't understand. Go home and show it to your son and grandson.

A: Needless to say, my son and daughter-in-law are both university teachers. They are lovely to read.

B: Then why don't you buy one?

Tell me what books you sell first!

B: Poetry!

A: My daughter-in-law teaches my little grandson to recite poems every day. Poetry is good, and poetry sells well.

B: Then buy one!

A: I already have several books at home. Please tell me which poems are in your poetry collection first, and don't compare with mine.

Ok, I'll read you a song. (B makes a gesture of holding a book and opens the first page) Auntie, I'll read you Modesty.

A: Modesty is good. People should be modest. All right, you read it.

B: "I can't write poetry/will others think/I'm a piece of shit?"

Oh, my God, what are you talking about? You said you would read me poetry, and now you say you can't write poetry. Do you think people will think you are rat shit? Don't write if you can't write poetry. There are more people in the world who can't write poetry, and no one treats anyone as rat shit. Besides, what are we illiterate old women if we can't write poetry? It's not a big horse shit. Modesty is good, but there is no need to be so modest!

B: Forget it, auntie. It seems that you didn't understand the poem I just read.

Young man, you are so interesting. That's not a poem. Just say I don't know a word. I can hear it. That's not a poem. I have recited some poems since I was a child. Don't believe me, I will recite it to you. "The foot of my bed is shining with such bright light. Is it frosty already? . -"What's next? I can't remember when I'm old.

I told you, and then "looking up, I found it was moonlight, sinking again, and I suddenly remembered home."

Yes, yes, it is "looking up, I found that it was moonlight, and it sank again, and I suddenly remembered home." This is poetry.

B: Aunt, that's right. What you recite is a poem, the Tang poem "Thinking about a Quiet Night", which is also a poem for me.

This is a new poem. How about I read you another paragraph?

A: Oh! This is a new poem. I really haven't heard of it. Read another paragraph, and I'll listen.

Tell you what, auntie! Just after the Dragon Boat Festival, let me read you a story about it!

A: OK, write about the Dragon Boat Festival and eat zongzi during the Dragon Boat Festival to commemorate the patriotic poet Qu Yuan.

B: Auntie, although you can't read, you really know a lot.

A: Who doesn't know about it? I have known since I was a child that you can read it, and I will listen to this poem in memory of Qu Yuan.

Ok, listen carefully this time. (b) Open the book again and read the article.

Qu yuan, uncle KFC, McDonald's clown.

Sitting on a bench in front of a fast food restaurant

The other two people both smiled sweetly.

frown

Only Qu Yuan.

He is an old employee of Zongzi chain store.

For thousands of years.

But I'm still not used to it

Stop it, stop it, young man. Why are you talking nonsense? Is it possible for Qu Yuan to sit with Uncle KFC and the clown of McDonald's? Don't fool your aunt. I understand this. Which dynasty did Qu Yuan belong to, and which dynasty did KFC and McDonald's belong to? He wants to be together. Together? Besides, Qu Yuan is an old employee of Zongzi Store, which is also nonsense. I'm afraid Qu Yuan doesn't even know what zongzi is. Speaking of it, eating zongzi is to commemorate Qu Yuan, but that was after Qu Yuan was thrown into the Gulu River. People wrapped zongzi and threw them into the river. This is just a formality. Do you think Qu Yuan can really eat when he sees it? If you can really see and eat, it must be alive. Come on, I won't tell you. I'll go over there and have a look.

B: Aunt, don't go. Buy a book of poetry before you go.

You are not a poem. What poems should I buy? (A left, and after a while, he came over with a book in his hand and walked up to B) Young man, do you think this is a poem? (hands the book to B)

B: (B takes a look at the cover) 300 yuan's songs. (Looking up at B) Oh, auntie, this is Yuanqu.

A: The young man selling books read to me: "A dead vine, an old tree is a faint crow, and a small bridge is a flowing family." -"You listen to how well people read.

B: Oh, what he read to you was Qing Sha * Qiu Si.

Well, I should go home, too. (A takes a few steps down, turns around and says to B) Well, I'm dressed as a country lady, and your book hasn't been sold.

B: Aunt in the country is not good. A country aunt is too poor in quality to appreciate my poems. Can you pretend to be knowledgeable and of high quality?

A: Well, what about middle-aged intellectuals with knowledge and quality?

B: middle-aged intellectuals are good. Middle-aged intellectuals with culture and quality will definitely appreciate my poems.

Ok, let's get started.

B: Let's go!

(A walks slowly to himself) A bookstall. I have a question. I can't walk when I see a book. I have to check it out.

B: (to the audience) It's good this time. There is a door. The Lord can't walk when he sees the book. I definitely want to buy it. (a) Pick up a book and read it. B looks at A and says) Mr. Wang bought a book.

A: Don't worry. I'll go and have a look first.

B: I have a good book, modern new poetry.

I see. I've always wanted to buy a modern new poem. I've read a lot, but I can't understand any, so I haven't bought it yet.

B: Then you found the right one this time. Our dean said that our modern new poetry collection is the best in the world.

Dean, which college are you from?

B: Poetry Hospital?

You are so funny. Is there a swimming pool hospital? My colleagues in our office are all in their early thirties and haven't met anyone yet. If there is a swimming pool hospital, at least I have to help him find a suitable one.

B: How can you talk? What school sister hospital? Why are you so complicated and still an intellectual?

You are unreasonable. Didn't you mention the brother hospital first? Regardless of the martial arts academy, how could I think of it? Besides, what's so complicated about finding someone?

Which poem am I talking about? What are you talking about? Sister is not a sister.

A: What can you do as a teacher and brother?

B: The poem I'm talking about is "Tang Poetry and Song Poetry" and "Song" is a "song" of "singing".

Oh, I see. You mean the hospital where poetry is treated.

B: I was an intellectual when I first came here, so I quickly understood the problem. Last time, I talked to him for a long time, but he didn't understand.

A: Then your dean must be an expert, and his level must be very high.

B: Of course, of course.

Tell me the name of your dean. I still have some acquaintances in the field of poetry.

Our dean is a celebrity by the river. Dean he.

I have never heard of the man by the river. Forget it, I won't discuss it with you. I'd better read a book first! (Open the book and read aloud) Female Militia on the Grassland, (Looking up at B) I once cut in line on the grassland. It is also interesting to recall life on the grassland.

B: Yes, yes, you will recover soon after reading this poem.

A: (reading)

The female militia on the grassland all believe

house

Very bad

clothes

It's good to be old.

leader

Hanging on the wall is good.

The female militia on the grassland thinks

life

Bitter and good.

horse

This is good for the commune.

love

This is not good

No way, although the house we lived in on the grassland at that time was very shabby, we didn't expect to live in a new house that day, especially those girls wanted to live in a good house. Although the clothes we were wearing were shabby, we didn't expect to wear new clothes every day, especially those girls, who liked beautiful new clothes best. Although we lived a hard life at that time, which day did we not look forward to a sweet life? Although we were young at that time, we also knew that love was the sweetest and most beautiful. There can be no love in the world. There are two problems with this poem. First, it's unrealistic. Second, there is only one word "good" in rhyme, and the rhyme angle of each sentence is this "good". It's not good. It's not pleasant to read. Reading poetry should make people feel the beauty of language. But I looked at it for a long time and found no beauty at all.

B: Sir, maybe this poem is not very good. Look again, there must be many good poems waiting for you to discover.

Ok, I'll take another look. (a) Continue to turn the pages and read aloud. )

Lean against the mountain

Recent mood

It's the indifference you forgot to take away.

Facing the wind

Recent mood

It's the helplessness you left when you left.

Look at the sea

Recent mood

It's the melancholy you once gave me.

Listen to the rain

Recent mood

It's the sadness after you turn around.

see you again

You and the mood you gave me.

Approaching another world

Another mountain

Another gust of wind

Another sea

It's raining again. ......

(Looking up after reading) This poem is much better than the last one.

Am I right? There must be some good poems in this book that will satisfy you. And there are many good poems!

A: I can't say that. I'm just saying that this song is better than that one just now. But it is still not a good poem, and this poem still can't make people feel the beauty of language. Forget it, I won't buy this book. I have work to do. I have to go.

B: Sir, don't stop buying. (a ignores b and goes down. Take a few steps back to b)

Dude, what's wrong? I dress up as a middle-aged intellectual, educated and qualified, but your book still doesn't.

B: Look at you pretending to be this person. Intellectuals are the most critical. Stop pretending to be an intellectual this time. You pretend to be a person with established culture, but not very deep culture and not too picky.

A: Good, that is, people with culture, not very deep culture and not too picky. How about I dress up as an educated worker uncle this time?

B: Uncle worker, do you like poetry? You have to make him like poetry.

A: Yes, I said he liked it, and so did he.

B: Anyone who likes poetry will do! That's it. Here we go. (A strode up and saw a difficult book, stopped at the bookstall, and B said to A) Uncle, do you like modern new poetry collections?

A: I like both ancient poems and new poems, and sometimes I write some myself.

You write poetry, too Do you write ancient poems or new poems?

A: Ancient style, modern style and new style are all written.

Well, you haven't bought a book yet.

Oh, let me have a look first.

Well, look!

A: (A turns over the book and talks to himself) Sunset in the desert.

circle

quiet

(A can't help shaking his head and continuing to lower his head to himself)

get on

Extrusion point

get off (a vehicle)

take it easy

(a puts down the book and wants to go)

B: Uncle, don't go. Why not buy it?

Your book is too profound for me to understand.

B: Uncle, this is your fault. If you don't understand, you must learn. Don't you just buy it and study it carefully?

A: Young man, I know I'm nearly as bad as two peas in a pod. I'm afraid I can't read your book for the rest of my life. And I don't think many people can understand it! Anyway, I can't think of any connection between the monk's death and poetry. And this "up/crowded/down/slow". Isn't this just to squeeze the bus? Why do you think it has something to do with poetry? This really puzzles me. It is too deep.

B: I have to buy something advanced. If you don't buy advanced ones, can't you buy superficial ones?

Young man, how about I tell you a story?

Good at telling stories! I like listening to stories since I was a child.

A: There is a family with two brothers. Their father sent the two brothers out to learn a trade to make a living. Both brothers went out, and three years later, both brothers came back. My brother learned to kill dragons. (a looks at b)

B: He is an excellent dragon slayer. Sounds good to me. He didn't go out for three years in vain.

A: My brother learned to kill pigs.

B: Look at this little brother. He is a real loser. He learned to kill pigs after going out for three years

A: My brother looks down on my brother.

B: it's contemptible. What kind of thing is learning?

A: My brother didn't care. He started the business of killing pigs every day. My brother's business is getting bigger and bigger, and it is getting hotter and hotter; Career development.

My brother learned more about killing dragons.

A: My brother learned to kill dragons, but there are still dragons in the world. Without dragons, what is there to kill? My brother accomplished nothing in his life until his death. He called his children to his side and said to them, "Son, I have been killed by a dragon slayer all my life, and I have accomplished nothing. You must never learn to kill dragons in the future, but be down-to-earth and be a person like your uncle! "

B: I didn't expect to learn such superb dragon slaying skills, and it turned out to be useless.

A: Young man, this illustrates a problem. Something too profound is not suitable for this world. Poetry is the same. The most important thing is that you have to make people understand what you are saying. Of course, I also understand the two poems just now, but in any case, I can't understand the author, how they relate this thing to poetry. So I don't understand. Since I can't understand it, I have to stop buying it. Goodbye! Young man.

Uncle, you ... (A ignores B, takes a few steps and says to B later)

A: Anyway, you have a certain culture and are not an intellectual. If you are not too picky, you will not buy your book. I'm not talking about this. This book won't sell for a year.

B: You hit me instead of helping me.

I really want to help you, but how can I help you with this book and this poem? (A slightly ponders) I'll give you an idea. Don't waste any time. Send out this book and finish reading it.

What idea?

A: Send books instead!

Come on, you're funny. Give me a book. You can help me find the police to keep order. No one will keep order until a fight.

A: Just this book. Did someone give it up or something? Don't worry, we can't fight without the police to keep order.

You didn't watch TV. What park was the last time? I gave you a medical manual. You didn't fight?

A: Yo, your book can be compared with other people's medical manuals! Don't worry, we can't fight. If you don't believe me, let's try.

B: Try it.

A: You shout, I've been on the road, see if I can grab your book.

B: Books are given, books are given, and modern new poems are given.

A: How about I pretend to be a garbage collector this time?

B: You can play as you like. Let's get started!

A: ok, you shout, start over.

I have a book, I have a book. "Modern New Poetry Collection" is given away.

A: (pretending to carry a sack and walking to b) Big Brother delivers books?

B: Yes, books!

A: Give them all to me. Save you trouble.

B: Why should I give it all to you?

Who should I send? Go home as soon as you finish. You won't delay your work at home.

B: Only one copy is given to each person.

A: Everyone only gives me one copy. I don't want it. I didn't spend much money on one, but I finally bought one you gave me.

How dare you treat my book as rubbish? How hateful.

A: Still playing? The garbage collector didn't even ask for your book.

B: You see, you pretend to be the person with the worst quality. Just now, you were a country aunt and couldn't read. Now it's a waste collector.

A: Hey, don't say that, country aunt, illiterate. How can people buy 300 yuan's songs instead of your books?

B: Please, please, can you make some quality?

A: OK, play a quality person. I'll play two people this time. Dress up as a couple.

B: ok, ok, it's good to be a lover. I will be interested in my book because of my poetic style.

A: Not necessarily.

B: Try it.

A: Try it. You shout!

B: Books are given, books are given, and modern new poems are given.

A: (pretending to be a female voice) What do you think of giving books? (Pretending to be a male voice) Go and have a look.

B: One for each of you.

A: (Pretending to be a female voice) Take a look first. (a) Turn over the book and pretend to be a male voice)

Not suitable for love

careful

I am often afraid of making mistakes for love.

polycentric

I often make mistakes for love.

unmerciful/ruthless

Never make a mistake for love.

fond

It is inevitable to make mistakes for love.

Not suitable for love

It's not your fault.

It's not my fault.

The only mistake is that I fell in love with you.

The only mistake is that you fell in love with me.

-

(Pretending to be a female voice) What is wrong is that you are in love with me, and what is wrong is that you are wrong about me. Leave me alone. (a) Pretending to be a woman, wriggling around. A turns around again.) Don't go. This is what this book says, not what I said. (put down the book and dare to chase. How about taking a few steps back and saying to b)? Educated young people in love don't want your book. They almost broke it.

B: Why do you think I'm so unlucky? They can't watch that song, but they just watched this one and made mistakes for love. Again, again, I don't believe it. I can't even give it away.

A: ok, come back when you shout!

B: Books are given, books are given, and modern new poems are given.

A: ouch! Ouch! (A walks over with his stomach covered)

B: What happened to the owner?

A: What's the matter? I have a stomachache!

I have a stomachache. Go to the bathroom quickly.

Dude, do you have any toilet paper?

B: Who will prepare the toilet paper for you?

Dude, how about a book?

B: I originally gave this book as a gift, but I have three urgent things. You are in a hurry to go to the bathroom now. Wait until you come back from the toilet.

You are so boring. Can't you see I don't have toilet paper!

B: I want to use my book as toilet paper!

A: Books are also made of paper. Is it different?

B: (B's idea is right) Hey, it's almost a day. I didn't sell a book or give it away. Maybe he can look at it while he's in the toilet, so I didn't come for nothing. (Steering Armor)

Dude, eat less and eat more spiritual food next time. Give you a copy. (A walks down with a book) Is it a gift? (A is back)

A: Dude, the next time I give a book, I'll tear my ass with some softer paper. It hurts.

B: (B asks A if there are any books in his hand) Books are all toilet paper.

Why do you use so much?

B: What about the rest?

A: I threw it into the pit. If you want me to get it for you again. But it stinks when you take it out. Anyway, it's a gift, so I don't think you should accept it.

B: this owner-

A: Well, just send one and throw it in the toilet. I said don't bother, nobody wants your book.

B: Well, no wonder our director He said that people's quality is so poor now, ten times lower than that of ten years ago and twenty times lower than that of fifteen years ago. So no one reads poetry.

Dude, that's not true. For more than a decade, the state has attached importance to education and the quality of the people has been continuously improved. I think people's quality is 20 times that of 15 years ago.

B: There are too many things now, people's interest has shifted, and no one reads poetry.

A: This is a little more reasonable than what I just said. Just looking at people is still wrong (pointing to the distance), and selling poems. Why do people sell so well?

They sell ancient poems of our ancestors.

A: Isn't this the end? It's not that no one likes poetry, but that there are too few good poems now and some obscure poems have been made. I looked at them for a long time and didn't understand what was going on. Who can like it? If you look at a two-year-old child now, you will definitely recite some Tang poems, but how many adults can recite new poems, let alone children? By the way, I have been selling books here with you for a long time, and I recited a poem, Death, which is very strange. Also called poetry. You are not afraid of jokes. Come on, I won't tell you. I should go home, too.

B: Come on, man, help me clean up, clean up, and I'll go home. I don't think I can sell it if I stay here any longer

This cross talk was downloaded by Netease poets last year. Author: seclusion;

Most of the things written in it are adapted from what happened inspired by Netease poets. Most of the poems quoted in it are also works inspired by Netease poets. The man by the river is Mr. Lin Yuan from Netease.