Falling in love can easily lead to quarrels.
When facing friends and colleagues, we will act like adults and remain restrained even if we are dissatisfied;
After entering a relationship, we will regress to the childhood stage, hoping that our lover will tolerate and love us unconditionally like our parents.
The following is a list of 5 core misunderstandings that lead to conflict between partners.
Please write it down in your memo. If you can avoid these misunderstandings, your communication will be peaceful. a lot of.
1. Ignore your partner’s communication invitations.
In an intimate relationship, your partner will often initiate some communication invitations (bids) to you. These invitations may be words or specific actions.
If the other party initiates a communication invitation to you, , and you don’t realize that when you ignore this request for communication, your partner will feel coldly treated, thereby weakening the intimacy of the relationship.
In psychology, this scene is called a "sliding door moment".
That is, when one person expresses the need for connection, the other person The reaction can be to open the sliding door and walk in, or to close the sliding door and turn around and leave.
These two actions will achieve completely different results.
Imagine Liu Ying and Yong Qiang cuddling together watching Japanese movies (non-action movies).
Liu Ying, who was born and raised in Guangzhou, was fascinated by the falling snow on Mount Fuji and said: Look how beautiful the snow is.
Yongqiang’s reaction could be to open the sliding door: Yes, let’s go to Hokkaido to watch the snow together when we have time.
This kind of response is called "turning towards"
Yongqiang's reaction can also be to close the sliding door: Shh, don't talk while watching the movie.
This kind of response is called "turning away from"
If your partner is facing a topic that interests you and a moment that you are fascinated by, always close the sliding door If you do this, you will definitely doubt how much the other person loves you.
2. Avoid conflict
Even if the lips and teeth are dependent on each other, the teeth will occasionally bite the tongue.
In an intimate relationship, quarrels are not terrible, but terrible It means clearly having complaints but never quarreling.
Quarrels are essentially a process of seeking mutual consent, but avoiding conflicts can only escalate small conflicts into big estrangements.
The gesture of avoiding communication or silence is called stonewalling behavior in psychology. It refers to no longer paying attention to the signals released by the partner and replacing them with cold violence. This is like An invisible wall was erected between the two people.
For example, in the above case, after Liu Ying’s communication invitation was ignored by Yongqiang, the following situation may occur:
① Liu Ying initiated communication and Yongqiang accepted it
"I feel sad that you just talked to me like that. I originally said I wanted to watch the snow with you."
"I didn't notice. I was too focused on watching the movie just now. I'm sorry."
②Liu Ying initiated communication, but Yongqiang avoided it,
"I feel sad that you just talked to me like that. I originally wanted to watch the snow with you."
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"Why are you so easily upset and don't want to quarrel."
"Why do you think I am unreasonable?"
(Yongqiang is silent)
③Liu Ying did not initiate communication and swallowed the grievance.
As a trivial matter in life, no matter which of the above scenarios, they will make up when they wake up the next day,
But in Scenario 2 and Scenario 3, Liu Ying's inner resentment has not been resolved, and it is likely to trigger associations in the next conflict, and an even greater conflict will break out over the years.
There is a famous Zeigarnik effect in psychology: our memory of "unfinished items" is twice as strong as those of completed and terminated events.
If the quarrel between partners can end with one party admitting his mistake or both parties reaching a consensus, the quarrel will not weaken the relationship, but will strengthen the link between the two people.
< p>In the same way, if you avoid conflict and do not face it, according to the Zeigarnik effect, this disagreement will always be active in your memory and reappear in subsequent conflicts.3. Negative interpretation
Robert Weiss, a psychologist at the University of Oregon, proposed the concept of negative interpretation, which is NSO (Negative Sentiment Override).
Negative interpretation is common among people with anxious attachment traits. If a person lacks a sense of security in an intimate relationship, it is easy to misinterpret a partner's normal behavior into behavior that harms the relationship, thus provoking a war.
Based on a consultation I just received yesterday,
The girl sent me a screenshot of her communication with her boyfriend, thinking that her boyfriend was deliberately alienating her, and asked me to judge right from wrong. .
To protect user privacy, I won’t post the picture. Let’s simulate the process:
Female: Can I go to the company to deliver food to you if it rains tomorrow?
Male: It will rain tomorrow, so don’t worry.
Female: If you don’t want to see me, forget it.
In this situation, the two parties disagreed on whether the woman should deliver food.
The man’s starting point was: rain is troublesome, so he should not deliver food.
The woman’s interpretation is: I was so considerate in bringing you food and asked you if you wanted spicy food, but you didn’t let me go. This means you are tired of me and don’t want to see me.
An unreasonable negative interpretation of your partner will harm the relationship.
But on another level, if you often engage in negative interpretations, it may mean that you no longer trust this relationship.
4. Qualitative evaluation
In Dr. Marshall Luxemburg's book "Nonviolent Communication", qualitative evaluation is regarded as a serious form of verbal violence.
"You are so stupid if you can't do this little thing well."
“You work overtime every day and come home so late, you really don’t love me anymore”
The party being qualitatively evaluated will become angry because of this arbitrary conclusion,
< p>"I just tried a new method, and it didn't work well. Why am I stupid?""Isn't it that I work hard to make money to support my family? Why do I become a problem when I get home late?" I love you, haven’t I spent any money on you?”
If you have objections to the other person’s actions, remember to describe the facts and evaluate the behavior rather than the individual.
By the way, share a short poem by Ruth Bebenmeier
We say that some people are lazy
Other people say that they are indifferent to the world ,
We say that some people are stupid
Other people say that their learning methods are different.
Thus, I conclude that
if we did not conflate facts
with opinions,
we would no longer be confused.
Because you may not care, I also want to say:
This is just my opinion!
5. Raise the battlefield
It is an important habit to learn to discuss things as they are during communication, otherwise it will lead to conflicts that could have been easily resolved. Again.
Imagine a scene. Yongqiang promised Liu Ying to go home early to have dinner with her today, but when he got home and pushed the door open, it was already 11 o'clock in the evening.
Liu Ying was furious: You still Do you know how to go home? He is such an unreliable man (qualitative evaluation). If he doesn’t want to go home, he will never come back (negative interpretation).
Yongqiang explained: During the recent epidemic, my business has been busy and I have to work overtime. What can I do? I didn’t mean it. Why do you say that to me? (Confrontation after being qualitatively evaluated)
Liu Ying continued: You always have a reason. Last time I went to my parents’ house, I clearly reminded you to prepare in advance, but you were late again. You never respected it. people. (Elevating the battlefield)
Yongqiang also had emotions: I am late because I am not ready. Did you give me time to prepare? I only said it a day in advance. Everything is based on you, and you respect it. me? (The battlefield continues to escalate)
What was originally just a problem that could be solved by going home late, a hug and a hug, turned into a disagreement between two families.
No matter what, please discuss the matter on a case-by-case basis. Extending it to other battlefields will only escalate the conflict.
The above summary of communication misunderstandings mainly summarizes the works of two psychology masters.
One is "The Game of Love" by John Gottman, which uses mathematical induction The method analyzes the contradictions and conflicts in marriage.
One is "Nonviolent Communication" by Marshall Luxemburg. Communicating and listening in accordance with the "nonviolent principle" will make it easier for people to accept their own opinions.
The above, I hope it can help you.
I am Hongsang, a psychological counselor.
The public account of the same name: Hongsang (hongsang1989), welcome to follow.