The first word: suffering
How do you transform suffering into poetry? What kind of mentality do you have to face the hardships of life?
To be honest, the word "suffering" does make people intoxicated: it seems that a person who has experienced suffering is a person worthy of respect, and his attitude towards life cannot be wrong. The reason why suffering becomes suffering is that it has eliminated the false and retained the true.
Another meaning seems to be: I came out of suffering. I have gone through too much suffering, and I can be forgiven for making mistakes in the future.
How many people always keep introspection in the midst of suffering, and how many people still don’t feel self-pity after experiencing suffering?
I have full respect for the word "suffering", but if my life is suffering, I will be wary.
Yes, life is hard and difficult. This difficulty is a difficulty rather than a disaster. I believe that no matter what kind of encounter a living, breathing person encounters, it cannot be called a "disaster." Because the choice is in your hands, you can run away or commit suicide at any time. No one forces you to live in this world forever.
It is an amazing thing that suffering can be transformed into poetry. It gives us the possibility and way to write.
But conversely, suffering is still suffering itself, and our writing will not reduce it or change it. The impact of the difficulties of life on a person's soul forms suffering. Writing it down is just about speaking it out, but it is still there.
Sometimes, I feel miserable and miserable. No one can help me, so I am very desperate. The reason why a person becomes desperate is because she had hope, and hope is often a desire that cannot be obtained.
Often at this time, I will use the essence of life to persuade myself: live, have food to eat, and have clothes to wear. Okay, that's enough, this is the most important thing. Since the most important thing is still there, don’t worry about the other things so much. People cannot be greedy.
There are too many people living in pain in this world. And all pain has a root cause, and this root cause is actually easy to find. Things that are easy to find are certainly not going to be any better.
Our pain also lies in the shortness of our lives, and in the fact that our health cannot be utilized to the maximum extent during this short process. And suffering fulfills the value of life from another aspect, so thank you for the arrangement of fate.
I really want to ask: By what standard do you judge that my life is suffering? First because of disability?
Yes, disability is a word that cannot be ignored. It affects a person's body and thus changes the direction of a person's soul. I think the human body is like an experimental body. It provides different versions to see which direction it can take the soul.
It is undeniable that a disabled body brings a lot of troubles and loses many possibilities. But one thing is fair: the soul in this body will have no less feelings about the outside world than others. This is a crucial thing.
True joy comes from the depths of the soul, not from the outside world. But precisely because of this undiminished ability to perceive, coupled with physical distress, resulted in deep sadness.
I think there is sadness that cannot be denied in life. After experiencing so many things, this sadness is still with me. But is this suffering? no. How can a person not be sad?
Therefore, I don’t have much suffering to tell you, and you can’t find a way to pass the suffering in me.
I just want to live, gnashing my teeth and looking hideous.
The second word: strong
This word is not a derogatory word, but if it is used on a woman or a disabled woman, it will definitely be Not a compliment.
Judging from the part of speech and combination of this word, it is hard and cold. It is two eyes staring at you without any expression. If this word stares at you for a long time, you will definitely feel nervous and disgusted.
Life is a natural thing, and "strength" is an indescribable feeling imposed on a person. And what kind of person's performance is more likely to give people this feeling: First of all, it must be people who have difficulties in life, such as me.
I fit this criteria perfectly: I am physically disabled, unhappy in marriage, living in a rural area; and now, my mother is sick. To be honest, there is nothing I can do about these things. I can only look at them and cry. I even want to escape from all these things and reborn.
What can I do? I have no choice at all. There is nothing I can do. But I don't want to die yet, I have to live. Because to live, I have to take on these things. This is a passive choice rather than an active one.
No one will take the initiative to choose difficulties, unless that person is crazy. Because of this, I am strong.
The word "strong" is a compliment, but when you look at the object of praise, which one is not dripping with blood? Strength is not a crown that others can give you, but a real attitude that you have to face life.
A strong woman is also fundamentally unhappy. Because she had no support for her weak shoulders, it was even said that her life was a failure.
Fortunately, failure in life is neither shameful nor terrible. It is precisely because of such failure that her life is clearly placed there. And our life is not to show anyone, nor to please anyone.
Therefore, being strong is about ourselves and is a contrast to our own souls. The strength here is to get rid of outside opinions and self-righteousness. What we insist on must be something we like. Because we like it, we insist on it. If we persist for a long time, we will become strong.
It suddenly occurred to me that when others say that we are strong, we should acquiesce in it. There is nothing to argue about, and there is no need to be boring and let others understand your bad experiences. Your experience cannot be a role model, and it does not deserve to be lamented by others.
So, don’t say how strong I am, I just live shamelessly, and my life is not so glorious.
Illustrator: Zhu Zhe, "Jellyfish", watercolor, 31 20cm, 2020.
The third word: role model
When you meet more people, you will naturally encounter various opinions. Whether it is criticism or praise, people like to use some words to define it. You, whether you are right or not, they always need an evaluation in their hearts.
Then I heard: Teacher Yu, you are an example for us to learn from.
Saying this sentence always makes me break out in a cold sweat. Am I not just a rural woman who wrote a few poems? How could I be a role model for others? So the word role model has become suspicious to me.
I have never had a role model, and I have never gained strength from any role model. If my youth was lacking because there was no role model, then let it be lacking.
Lei Feng has never been my role model, and neither has Zhang Haidi. When I was in elementary school, I bought a copy of "Lei Feng's Diary" and read it, but I wasn't moved at all. The primary school teacher said I was Zhang Haidi, and I jumped up: I am Yu Xiuhua, I am not Zhang Haidi.
I can’t tell where this natural resistance comes from. I just have a vague feeling: I can’t do what they do, and my life journey can’t be the same as theirs.
I have met different disabled people on different occasions. Their family members would say to me: Yu Xiuhua, how did you persevere in such a difficult environment? Can you give them some help? Any suggestions?
I answered honestly: I didn’t.
I really don’t. Not to mention that it is an accident that I am where I am today. Of course, this accident is also inseparable from my efforts. There is a word here: hard work!
Effort is an attitude towards life and has nothing to do with role models. Avoid accidents, even if it is inevitable or even traceable, it still cannot give tips or suggestions to anyone else.
Every life is unrepeatable. One life cannot be an example for another life. I believe that what can influence others is only one's attitude towards life: and attitude towards life can effectively influence oneself, which requires long-term tempering and repeated reminders to oneself. This is a process of internal cultivation, and no role model can influence you.
I don’t believe in the power of role models, and I don’t want to be a role model for others. I don’t know if anyone wants to be a role model, but if a person becomes a role model, he himself is pathetic and suspicious. What a terrible thing it is to have your life copied by others.
In fact, more often than not, we are powerless in the face of specific sufferings. When life is concrete to many daily details, role models will recede far away.
Role models always have some poetic feeling, but life is real dire straits. Sometimes we don’t even know what to do with ourselves, so how can we possibly influence others?
We need role models because we don’t know what to do when we encounter pain. We can’t find an effective way, so we need a reference. And when you finally find a specious reference, you will find that this reference doesn't work either.
I would tell them: read more. Reading is powerful, it can really calm people's hearts. Only when your mind is calm can you feel true joy.
No matter how miserable our bodies and lives are, we are unique in the world. This uniqueness is already worth cherishing, so why pray for more.
I don’t know if these are strong words. Fortunately, I am not someone’s role model and can talk nonsense.
Illustrator: Wang Qing, "Waiting", watercolor, 36 36cm, 2017.
The fourth word: purpose
In the end, you will find that life is a process, not a purpose. If life really had a purpose, what would it be?
The end of life is death, which has nothing to do with life. In the process of life, there will be many purposes, large and small, but life has no purpose.
Perhaps it is precisely because life has no purpose that we often feel the emptiness of life. Except for life itself, nothing else can really enter our life. No matter how hard we try, it seems that all the power is gone. In the empty space, there is no place to focus.
What a terrible thing. But no one knows what death will be after life, whether it will face the same or greater nothingness, so we can only live in this world.
Life is not a purpose. Why do we still live and care about the indescribable gains and losses of honor and disgrace? I think this is probably a game against nothingness in a boring life.
Sometimes I feel that life is hopeless and I wish I could die immediately, but then I think about it: death is doomed, and one does not need to be so anxious. Even if fame and fortune are ruined, we still have life and play with ourselves. So all the problems were solved when they couldn't be solved.
Life is not a purpose, so we can live a little easier. We often say: people should live a domineering life, but it is indeed very difficult to be domineering. After all, society has its order, and This order must restrict us to a greater or lesser extent, and it is impossible for a person to completely break away from his social attributes.
I think the purpose of life is life itself, just like love is love itself. There is no hate without reason, but there must be love without reason. Most things without purpose are beautiful things, because they are pure and purely the root of happiness.
Then I thought that today’s civilization brings convenience to people, but damages people’s soul and spirit.
The same goes for writing poetry: writing with a purpose must be questionable. I feel that writing itself cannot be the purpose of writing. I write poetry simply because I love it, and this love is the purpose of writing.
Why write? Like is the only reason. What you like is the purpose in itself. Poetry is about saying what you want to say, and life is just about living the life you want to live.
Life has no purpose, but people can have many small purposes: such as finishing a manuscript, such as going to see the scenery. These small purposes always make people happy physically and mentally, but they still serve a purposeless life.
It is an incredible thing that all effective behaviors serve ineffective life. But there is always a highly hidden rationale for all the incredible.
So I love this indescribable life to death. I love the pride and the fog of low that emerge in life. I am grateful for my humble and living existence.
Illustrator: Zhu Zhe, "Dream", watercolor, 39 50cm, 2019.