Leaving aside the rhythm and other aspects, the emotional transition of each sentence is too fast and lacks tactful transition. For example, the first to second sentences were originally filled with pride, but why did the sky suddenly fail to take notice? There is no cause and effect, and it feels a bit abrupt. Let’s go back to the second to third sentences. After being indifferent to the sky, they immediately look back to the world of mortals. The emotional changes during this period are not shown. The thoughts are too superficial and have no actual connotation. The last sentence should be said to be a summary of all emotions, but it only uses the very common drunkenness to relieve sorrow and sleep alone, and fails to form an emotional sublimation.
I personally read poetry very directly, or in other words, I rely solely on intuitive feelings, so if I say anything wrong, please forgive me.
By the way, although modern poetry, that is, rhymed poetry and quatrains, have metrical regulations, ancient poetry does not. Moreover, there are various forms such as Yuefu and folk songs, which do not necessarily have to follow metrical standards.
I think expressing emotions is the most important~~