Essay: Eternal Pain 1
Looking at your photos, I always feel dumb and dazed. Unknowingly, I haven’t seen you for a year, and I don’t know that we are far apart from each other. Well now.
The moment you and I step into society, we will be separated from each other. We have given you promises, but we cannot give you a future.
The night is always so quiet. Sitting alone by the computer and looking at the photos of us together, I always shed tears. Our love slowly deteriorates because of you and me. Sometimes I really want to call you, but when I call you, I hang up again. Because I'm afraid my heart will hurt when I hear your voice. Watch your space dynamics every day, watch your daily worries, watch your daily happiness.
We have been separated by time, and our past feelings have been forgotten by time. The beautiful photos bring back every thought I have for you. I really want to hear your voice and see how you are doing now.
Every time I left you, I was always reluctant to leave you. , now every time you leave, I turn my back to you and feel sad.
Perhaps we are destined to be each other's passers-by.
You don't know my heart, and you haven't really entered my world, how can you know how I feel.
I can’t give you so many vows or so many expectations, but I can always make you happy. When you are sad, I can only watch from the other side, but I cannot help you resolve your sorrow.
We have experienced so many ups and downs, and in the end we became strangers.
A year’s journey. Looking back at the scene, everything is desolate. Always only accompanied by memories. Because of the encouragement you gave me, I learned to be strong. No longer so depraved.
Whenever I cross the road, I will think of you and me as my companions. We walked through that period of love, but you forgot that period of love.
Eternity is difficult, but eternity is in a hurry, at the snap of a finger. I am nostalgic for the beauty in my memory. Time flies by, and in just a few decades, I met you whom I had never met before, and I have undergone earth-shaking changes.
Now you can live happily without so many worries. This is my wish
The arrangement of fate once made us very happy, but after the happiness is over, it is eternal pain. Prose: Eternal Pain 2
One month passed quickly, and according to the doctor's instructions, I had to go to the hospital for chemotherapy. It happened that the school bus was going to the city to pick up audio-visual equipment. I agreed with the principal and took a ride to the city hospital for my wife's chemotherapy. That morning, the weather looked like it was going to rain. My wife and I finished breakfast early and waited for the bus at home. But the left person didn't come, and the right person didn't come either. I was very anxious, so I wanted to have a look at the driver's house. Just as I was about to leave, the car came. It was a car commonly known as half beautiful. My wife and I were sitting in the back seat. My wife usually gets motion sick, so we brought a lot of plastic bags to prepare for vomit.
Not far after the car had gone, it started to rain, and it started raining harder and harder. When we reached a small town, the rain became heavier and the road was filled with muddy water. The car jolted along. My wife has vomited several times and her face is sallow. I was worried and sad, and the feeling of self-blame was really indescribable. Because it was chemotherapy, I followed my friend’s advice and went to the city cancer hospital for chemotherapy, thinking it was more professional. As the car drove along, it was already noon, so I asked the driver to have some food at a roadside restaurant. My wife was suffering from motion sickness, so she sat in the car without wanting to eat. I had a meal with the driver and then set off again. After crossing a ridge and walking for a while, we arrived at the hospital.
This is a hospital located in a ravine. This ravine of only a few kilometers has several hospitals from beginning to end, including an occupational disease hospital, a psychiatric hospital, an infectious disease hospital, etc. The cancer hospital and tuberculosis hospital are in the same place. We got out of the car and I asked the driver to go back. I asked my wife to sit on a chair in the hospital and take a rest, then I went to the hospital to complete the hospitalization procedures, and then I was admitted to the ward under the guidance of the nurse. This ward is close to the mountain behind, and a small waterfall flows down, and the sound can be heard clearly. There was already a patient in the ward, an old lady. During the conversation, we learned that she had lung cancer and her old man was taking care of her. I asked my wife to take a rest and went to the canteen outside the door to buy some food for her to eat. There was no boiled water, so I went to buy a bottle of orange juice. It's already dark and the rain hasn't stopped yet. The lights in the room were dim and the old lady moaned softly. It rained harder outside, the big trees were blown by the wind and made a roaring sound, and the sound of the small waterfall became louder. I lay on an empty bed, feeling a little sad when I thought about leaving my hometown to take care of my seriously ill wife. Facing this somewhat desolate environment again, I couldn't help but recall some things from the past... When I saw my haggard and weak wife in front of me, I thought of the suffering she had suffered with me in the past twenty years. My wife has been very miserable since she was a child. She has ten brothers and sisters, and she relies on her father to do some small business to make ends meet. When I got married, because my family had too many people, we moved out and lived alone. If we don’t have a house, we rent a small house. The house is very small and shabby. I moved there in the fall, and when winter comes, the cold in the house is unbearable. The two of us mixed some clay to plug the air leaks. But it was still very cold, so I drew straw curtains in the house and hung them on the door and windows.
At night, we huddled together and warmed each other with our body heat. At this time, my wife was already pregnant with our eldest son, and by the time she was due to give birth, it was already the coldest month of the twelfth lunar month. The room was dripping with water and turned into ice. When I woke up in the morning, the wet towel hanging on the rope was frozen solid. Having no other choice, he returned to his parents' house. After the child was born, he moved to the house of a distant aunt of his wife. This is a large tile-roofed house with three rooms. We live in the east one. Spring, summer, and autumn were fine, but in winter, because the house was too big and there wasn't much firewood, it was still very cold. With great difficulty, a family rented a house, but they moved out soon after. It’s the eleventh month of the lunar calendar again, and our second son is about to be born again. One day before I was due to give birth, I sawed some wood, and the baby was born smoothly. But there was very little wood, and it burned out quickly, and the room was dripping with water and turning into ice. There was no other way, so the eldest child was sent to the child's grandma's house. At night, I put my second son in the middle and we hugged him. Whenever I change the child's clothes, the child is shivering with cold. The Spring Festival is here, and I want to make some dumplings, but the sauerkraut is all frozen in the jar, so my wife chops it with a kitchen knife. Just as he was about to make dumplings, the child woke up from the cold again and started crying. I had no choice but to shape them into several buns. The dough was not made from dough, and it didn't grow even after steaming it. It was hard and unpalatable. Just spent the Spring Festival in a muddle. Two years later, we finally saved 200 yuan and bought a room and a half in the west of No. 1 Primary School. This house is not too cold in winter, but it is our most difficult period. Because the vegetable team I was on had the lowest points that year, I worked from dawn to dusk for a year and earned more than 10,000 points, which was only more than 400 yuan. As a result, my family overspent. During the Spring Festival, the family didn’t have a penny. My father gave me twenty yuan to celebrate the new year. At this time, our daughter was born on the second day of the new year. At this time, our family was at the end of its rope, hungry and cold. My daughter was born at one o'clock in the morning, with heavy snow falling outside and a cold wind howling. When the child grew older, the wife would pull a cart to collect grass dung and put her daughter on the dung cart. This year, food was extremely scarce. At the end of each month, there was nothing to eat. Thanks to my wife, who braved the knee-deep snow to winnow the rice in the yard and grind some rice, we got through this most difficult period. day. ...
I finally survived the reform and opening up. I became a high school teacher, and my wife also worked as a school worker. I had just seen some sunny days, but I got such a disease again. God, why are you so heartless to us? ...At this time, the wind and rain outside were getting stronger. Looking out the window, the dark shadows of the big trees were swaying from side to side, like a group of devils, as if they were trying to devour these cancer patients; the waterfall was also exceptionally noisy, and it sounded like , like a woman’s desperate cry... I fell asleep in a daze.
The next day, the hospital transferred a ward. This is a ward with ten beds, including patients and attendants. There are more than a dozen people in the room every day. It was the dog days of summer, so the house was very hot, and cooking in the house made it even hotter; the air in the house was not good either. Every night, it's hard to fall asleep. There is a small village not far from the hospital. Every morning, local farmers sell some vegetables at the hospital gate, and the patients or caregivers buy them and cook them on the alcohol stove. My wife started chemotherapy. There were three drugs in one regimen: vincristine, cyclophosphate, and pentafluorouronide. After a week of use, my hair started to fall off. I had chemotherapy every morning, and in the afternoon I had nothing to do. We just took a walk on the road. Among them, I also have to go to the city to implement the work assignments for my two sons who are about to graduate. My wife changes the bottles during the drip flow and asks the patients to do it. One day, Hu Chaowen, a student from the 1984 class whom I taught, suddenly came to see us and brought rice, noodles, fruits and health care products. I'm very surprised, how did he know we were here? After asking, it turned out that he went to work in Gaowan and saw us from the window of the No. 12 bus. My wife and I were deeply moved, and he visited us often until we were discharged from the hospital. People die often in this hospital, sometimes two or three a day. The heartbreaking cries of family members made the patients very worried and pessimistic. Some people lamented, maybe it will be my turn one day. My wife and I neither discuss this matter, nor do we dare to think about the future. In order to add some nutrition to my wife, sometimes I go to a small town called Fangxiao a few kilometers to the west to buy some pork liver, roast chicken, etc. for my wife. In this way, after more than two months, the chemotherapy finally ended. By this time, it was already autumn, and the doctor thought he could be discharged from the hospital.
Our two sons and daughter came to pick us up and completed the discharge procedures. As a family of five, we happily took the No. 12 bus to the city train station. Along the way, I saw the mature crops on both sides of the road swaying in the wind, and the leaves on the mountains turning yellow. It was really beautiful. Our whole family thought that this disaster was over and that from now on, the whole family could live happily together again.