As the old saying goes: “When you are full and warm, you will think of lust!”
When our material life is greatly satisfied, each of us begins to explore our own soul. In addition to pursuing abundance, In addition to our daily life, our desire for happiness is also increasingly obvious.
Some people always feel that they are unfortunate people. When faced with misfortune, we always look for various reasons to hinder our growth and refuse to change. At this time, we focus all our attention on what we think is misfortune, and cannot see or hear other things around us, even things that can make us feel happy.
Facing unknown things, we are curious and full of fear; facing the truth, we will be afraid;
In order to avoid fear and fear, we tend to avoid responsibilities and long for others recognition and help, but also gave rise to many myths and fantasies that trouble us.
But if you want to be happy, you must have enough courage to break these myths and illusions, recognize yourself, and make changes.
01 Why is it so difficult to change yourself?
Fang Jing, the protagonist of the first issue of "Why Are You So Good-Looking", said the most when the "Haokan Group" transformed her, " Not good!" "No!"
When she signed up for this show, she was actually aware of her own problems and wanted to change them. But when change really comes, she still instinctively chooses to say: No!
This is the normal state of most people. You think you are ready to face it, but when this moment really comes, you find that you cannot take the step of change.
But in fact, we can decide ourselves at any time and choose a new self. But just like Fang Jing in the early stage of transformation, even if the choice is in our own hands, it is difficult for us to make changes.
The reason is actually because deep down in our hearts we don’t want to change. Because change means "death".
Once a person decides to change himself, it means abandoning his "past self" and suppressing his "past self". It can be said that he will send his "past self" to the grave and then become his "past self". A new self is reborn.
Because we are dissatisfied with the current situation, we want to choose to change, and change means burying the "past self", throwing away those familiar lifestyles, abandoning those stable environments, and throwing ourselves into an unknown world. Know when to see light in the darkness of the unknown world. We are well aware that this is not easy to do.
Facing the fear of the unknown makes people not want to change and want to "maintain the status quo" no matter how painful it is. And find a suitable excuse for the choice of "maintaining the status quo."
The excuse is often that after experiencing so many things, things are good now, so let’s live like this.
02 Why are you still unhappy after receiving so many compliments?
I still remember the scene when the teacher praised me after I won the prize in the city painting competition when I was in elementary school; listening to the teacher I feel like I was born for painting. But in the end, I didn't make any achievements in painting, because I gradually lost interest in painting. Thinking about it carefully, this boring feeling came after we moved to the school district and changed the art teacher. Because this art teacher has never recognized my work.
Have you ever had the same situation as me in life, study or work? When facing your parents, teachers, leaders or others, act as a "good boy" and try your best to show enthusiasm and obedience. Because you want recognition and praise.
This is the first stage of problem behavior called "the need for praise" in Adlerian psychology.
People tend to be more active in work, life, and study after being praised and affirmed; praise seems to be something that is easier for others and easier for oneself.
But do you dare to ask yourself honestly what is the ultimate purpose of doing this? Do you want to do this from the bottom of your heart, or do you want to gain recognition from others and prove that you are an excellent and unique person?
There are often many people whose purpose is always just to "get praise" or to get attention; once the praise and attention disappear, these people will begin to doubt whether such efforts are meaningful and valuable. . If you do this, you will quickly lose motivation.
Aguda in "Why Are You So Beautiful" burst into tears when she revealed her heart to her father, because her father had never affirmed her ability and felt that she could not do anything well. people.
Let’s see if Aguda is like the epitome of most of us. Although he is very good, he does not recognize himself because he is not recognized by the important person in his mind, and thus falls into the trap of me. In the endless pain of not being good enough and not capable.
Why do we want praise or recognition from others so much? Essentially we want to feel like we belong.
Adlerian psychology believes that the most fundamental need of human beings is a sense of belonging. In other words, I don’t want to be isolated, I want to have a real feeling; “I can be here” and don’t want to “be lost in the crowd”.
But gaining recognition from others is like a black hole with no end at all; if we are used to finding our own value and happiness from the recognition and praise of others. Then this happiness ultimately depends on external effects. Once the external effects disappear, this happiness will also disappear.
If we spend our lives pursuing "more praise", then we will put ourselves in a position of "dependence" and live a life of always seeking and never being satisfied.
The only way to get out of this dilemma is to not need the approval of others and identify yourself according to your own wishes.
03 My destiny is up to me and I can’t help it, find the courage to identify myself
Letting others decide the value of “my” is dependence; and deciding one’s own value by oneself is called "Self-reliance".
Why are we accustomed to needing the approval of others? Because we are not confident and we need to build confidence from the approval of others.
In fact, from another level, it is because we lack the "courage to be ordinary people." We long to be that excellent, "special" being; but what if we are not so excellent? There is still a place for you in this world. Accept your ordinary self and you will become more relaxed.
Eric Fromm said: "We must look at a person realistically", and of course this person includes himself. Maybe you are not beautiful, but you are kind; maybe you are not excellent, but you are willing to learn; maybe you have no special skills, but you are enthusiastic and cheerful.
We often say that there are no two identical leaves in the world, and you are a unique existence in this world, so don’t find your value from “being different from others”, but from “being different from others”. Find value in "keep yourself". Because you blindly compare yourself with others and blindly highlight your "differences", you will never be able to achieve happiness.
So how to find value from "maintaining yourself"?
In "Nezha: The Devil Boy Comes to the World", Nezha was born with original sin and was destined to die; but in the end, the devil boy Nezha did not survive the cholera in Chentangguan. Faith, not caring about other people's opinions, living out your own value, saved Chentangguan.
What is fate, this is just a perfect excuse for a coward who dare not change. To find value in "maintaining yourself", you must understand that "the important thing is not what is given to you, but how to use what is given to you." Because this is not controlled by the environment or objects, but by your own determination.
After encountering the disease, you gave up your irregular schedule, started to go to bed early and get up early, and actively participated in physical exercise; after failing the postgraduate entrance examination, you summarized a large number of failure cases, began to share them with everyone, and made new friends. At the same time, you also gained additional benefits; after encountering a natural disaster, you learned to use your own strength to help more people.
In fact, you know very well that every choice will be a turning point in your life, but the road ahead is unknown, and your fear makes it difficult for you to take this step. But you have to believe that you can be a free bird, and you can decide where you want to go; you are not a kite in the hands of others, and your destiny is controlled by others.
04 Take the initiative to love and gain the courage to reap happiness
There is a saying in the Bible: "Pray, and then you will gain!" And what we often say is "pay , and then there will be gains!”
Adler proposed that “happiness is the sense of contribution”, and we can only realize our own value when we feel “I am useful to someone”. But in life, we are more looking for "methods to be loved."
As children, we seek the love of adults by showing our "vulnerability", and Adler also found in long-term clinical experiments that "vulnerability" is the most lethal weapon in the human-machine relationship.
The child is afraid of the dark. At night, the mother coaxes him to sleep in the bedroom, then turns off the light and goes out. The child started to cry, and the mother came back and asked him why he was crying. The child said that it was because he was afraid of the dark. The mother who saw through his "purpose" asked, "Will it be brighter after the mother comes?"
The reason why children cry is not because they are afraid of the dark, but because they are afraid of their mother leaving; so they cry to show their "fragility" and keep their mothers by their side.
In Adler's words: "They once lived in the golden age of getting what they asked for. So some of them still think that as long as they keep crying, protesting fully, and refusing to cooperate, they can get what they want again. They do not regard life and society as a whole, but only focus on their own personal interests."
Many adults also try to use their own fragility, misfortune, and pain as " Weapon" to control others and to make others worry so as to satisfy their own needs. But once no one responds to this "kingdom in the center of the world", it will make you feel very painful.
Obviously we cannot always "reign at the center of the world". If we want to be happy, we must reconcile with the world and break away from self-centeredness. And we liberate ourselves from "self" by taking the initiative to love, achieve self-reliance, and accept the world in a true sense. By taking the initiative to love, you can gradually mature.
But why is it so difficult to take the initiative to love others? Because you lack the courage to embrace love.
Fromm said: "People are consciously afraid of not being loved, but the fact is that they are unconsciously afraid of love." "Love means taking action even though there are no guarantees. If you love yourself, you will have the hope that love will arise in the other person's heart, and give yourself wholeheartedly."
You don't dare to take the initiative to love. , first of all, it’s because you can’t love yourself; you don’t accept yourself calmly and trust yourself. You feel that once you love someone else unreservedly, you will "definitely get hurt" in this love relationship, and you think that it is impossible for anyone to love you like this. So it is better not to love than to be hurt. This is a typical inferiority complex, and it also provides a high-sounding reason for this inferiority complex.
It is your own business to take the initiative to love others. Whether and how others respond is their business. You can't control it at all, and you don't need to control it. What you have to do is to just love regardless of what the other person thinks of you.
We always believe in destiny, but we really create our own destiny. We long for happiness, even if we know there are many difficulties and a lot of unhappiness ahead, we still have to pursue it. As Fromm said: "Loving someone is not just a matter of intense emotion, it is a determination, a decision, an agreement."
We always say that everything is difficult at the beginning. As long as you take the first step, things will get much better later. But what really tests us is the courage to keep going. And this courage is closely related to happiness.
Facing the future, we know nothing. But precisely because we cannot see the future clearly, we can become the masters of our destiny.