The author of this book is Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D. in psychology, co-founder of commitment therapy, professor and doctoral supervisor of the Department of Psychology, University of Nevada, USA.
I quite agree with the reason why I can't help but want to control myself in my life.
First, people have asked us since childhood. For example, boys are not allowed to cry, so you avoid your emotions. From now on, you are required to control your emotions and solve problems with words and thinking. This is the first source.
Second, when I was a child, it seemed that all adults were like this. Adults seem to be under control, forbearing, not talking and avoiding. This is a demonstration effect caused by adults.
Third, what we see on TV and in the media seems to be a successful life. For example, who overturned the car today and who had a car accident today, we feel finished and out of control.
Fourth, control is attractive because it may be effective in the short term. It is in a short time that we can control ourselves not to lose our temper, to ignore it and pretend to forget it. For example, boxing for a while, sweating and venting can make our inner feelings better in a short time. Doing so can bring you happiness, or make you forget the painful things for a while, Xu Xiasheng, but these feelings will soon fail. It is possible to use thinking methods to solve problems. But it doesn't work inside. What should we do?
The author says that the most important thing is that you should learn not to control it. Now try to see if you can outline the ways you are willing to try to rest yourself.
First, "I am willing to accept the possibility that the escape strategy will never work."
Can you tell yourself that the escape strategy you are willing to accept now will never work?
Second, "I deeply sympathize with myself and try my best to deal with the pain."
Don't blame yourself, don't scold yourself, and say, "Why are you so stupid and always do those wrong things?" . Instead, I should say, "I have been trying to cope with the pain with great sympathy."
Then, "when the escape method doesn't work, I will never blame myself again."
This is what the author says we should do. List these three things first: I am willing to accept the futility of escape, and I will not blame myself again, and then I express my deep sympathy.
If you really don't want to control it, don't control it. But you have been in control all your life, and you have lived in careful control all your life. You're afraid of everything being overturned. That's why you feel tired.
The first thing you have to learn is to accept and be positive, and the first thing to accept commitment therapy is to accept. The author said:
"A positive attitude and an accepting attitude mean that you react positively to your feelings through perception. To be exact, feeling your feelings is like reaching out to feel the texture of a cashmere sweater. This means making a positive response to one's own thoughts through one's own thinking, just like the flow of words felt when reciting poems and the playwright's creative intention felt when actors rehearse lines.
The purpose of adopting a positive attitude is not to make yourself feel better, but to make yourself more open to the current vitality and better move forward in the direction you value. In other words, the purpose of adopting a positive attitude is to feel all the feelings coming to you more completely, even-especially-bad feelings, so that you can live a more complete life. In essence, taking a positive attitude is not to make yourself feel better, but to learn how to make yourself feel better. "
When we heard "positive" before, our first reaction was that there was no negative energy. I was strong, healthy and sunny. In fact, this is called negative energy! You can't pretend that you have no problems, and you can't help but look at the feelings that bring you pain in life. Escape will only make it a long-term and powerful pressure, so that you dare not live the life you really want. The real acceptance and positive is that you feel it, feel it.
When you can accept your emotions, pain and mistakes, you become that background. This "I" of yours has become the sky and the sea, and it is no longer the person who is beaten around by these emotions.
You know, emotions are a part of you, not emotions that hurt you. If you imagine an emotion as an external monster, then you have created it, and you are bigger than this external monster! That's why we say you should be able to accept and be positive.
"Those who leave no room for their worries will find it difficult to control themselves." This sentence means, for example, there is a person who doesn't leave room for his worries and thinks, "I won't be angry, I won't be upset, I'm very open-minded now." Have you ever seen such a person?
Everyone is inevitably in deep pain. But in fact, pain is normal and common. Even those who seem to be bursting with positive energy may not be really positive.
Only by giving up control and fully feeling all the feelings that come to you can you get closer to the life you want.