That warmth came to an abrupt end
Author: Chun Er
Foreword:
Time flies. My child has been gone for five years. I finally dared to pick up a pen and write down that dusty past. Many friends won't let me write. I'm afraid I'll tear a bloody scar, and I'm afraid I'll get hurt, but my friends, I know you love me. But how do you know? Writing it out is the best relief for me. Only then did I realize one of my wishes. Because, in these five years, there is not a day that I don't miss my children. No matter how hard I try to make myself forget. But there will always be casual moments, casual touches. Let me burst into tears. I will never forget the happiness and pain brought by the smelly smell. So, I have to write, for me and my smelly, my only child. My forever child. Let me send this article to my son in heaven. It stinks, you know. Mom loves you forever! No matter where you are. I will always love your mother.
When I was a little girl, every time I played house, I always tried to be a mother. Because I will have a little doll.
When I was in love, I nestled in the arms of my current lover and sat on the wall of a vegetable garden. In the gentle moonlight, I told him my wish: I want to have more than a dozen children, I want to raise a large group of chickens and have a big vegetable garden. Under a lush apple tree, there is a Zhang greatly's desk. After cooking, watch the children scramble to eat. After eating, I kindly called my mother around me ... After I got married, I often took my lover's hand for a walk, imagining my child walking in front of us, shaking and swaying, while I gently kicked his little ass behind him ... I like boys and always think boys are more honest. I like naughty boys. I know I am a little woman. And proud of it. So, I have a son. Give birth to a child that truly belongs to you.
I named my son stinky. The days with children are happy, and the happiness that every child brings to parents is priceless, eternal and true. When I think back to being with stinky, I can still feel the tenderness that gushes from my heart. It is a gentleness that can melt steel. I still remember when I was born, smelly was so petite and ugly. Red skin wrinkled, like a little old man. I don't even touch him. I dare not hug him. He has been crying. Cry when you are hungry, cry when you are thirsty, cry when you pull, and cry when you pee. It took me a long time to understand that all his expressions were just these. So I began to learn how to be a qualified mother. Because this little life can only survive by me, and he will only feel safe in my arms, sleep quietly and stop crying. I looked at my children happily and sincerely thanked God for giving me such a beautiful elf. As the children grow up day by day, I find that I can be so gentle and kind, so brave and sincere. Yes, I keep discovering my new self. Slowly, he began to learn to walk. At first, he studied in a walker. He learns quickly. I often see his figure running around the house. He's curious. When he sees himself in the mirror, he will laugh, then kiss him. When he sees the white gas emitted by the humidifier, he will reach out and grab it. When I cook for him, he will park his car in front of the kitchen and look around curiously. He is very dependent on me, and he follows me wherever I am. Even when I take a shower and go to the toilet, he will knock hard and wait for me to go out quietly when he confirms that I am inside. I still clearly remember that it was the spring of 1996, and the breeze in May gently blew up my short green windbreaker. The bright sunshine shines on me warmly, and everything is warm. I breathe the fragrant air and take a brisk step to pick up the children. Suddenly, just like being struck by lightning, the happiness that gushed from my heart suffocated me. It was a warm undercurrent that flowed gently all over my body until it reached my fingertips. At that moment, I asked myself: What is dissatisfaction? I have a husband who loves me and a lovely son. How happy I am. It is real and down-to-earth happiness. I was 25 years old and my son just turned one. Happy, I didn't realize that there was a disaster behind happiness. It always appears when you least expect it. One night when he was one year and three months old, he burst into tears. My lover and I kept coaxing him, but we kept crying until he was tired of crying. The next day, when he opened his eyes, his left eye was red. I took him to the hospital for examination, and the doctor just told me to take some anti-inflammatory drugs. Therefore, I give my children medicine on time. But red is still there. It's almost a week, and I'm going to take my children for examination again. This time, the doctor seems very nervous. He checked and checked carefully, and finally told me that the child was blind in his left eye. Besides, I'm afraid there are other problems. I was shocked! After a while, the doctor called my wife in. After my lover came out, he told me pale: "The smell may be eye cancer!" "I suddenly froze:" Eye cancer? No way! It must be wrong! "My children are healthy and lively. Even if he has eye problems, it can't be cancer! I don't believe it! I want to go to Beijing for a second interview! The next day, my wife and I took the children to Beijing. The result finally came out. Stinky is really a retinoblastoma. It is really eye cancer! I fell to the ground at once, and it took a long time to find that I had lost my voice in pain. I feel my blood drained and my heart broken. The doctor told me that children with this disease will be blind when walking, and their faces will be deformed with the growth and migration of tumors, which is terrible. Thinking of the smiling face of the child, I can't believe all this is true. He is only one year and three months old! His life has just begun, is it coming to an end? Are these all true? The doctor told me that stinky can be treated with chemotherapy now, and there may be a 50% hope, but he must have an eyeball removal operation, including the orbit. As a result of chemotherapy, this side of the face will always be one year old, but that side will grow normally. Moreover, even if the operation is successful and the chemotherapy is successful, you can only live to be about seven or eight years old. I really want to give him chemotherapy. At that time, I frantically grabbed the loud hand and shouted, "Operate on him! Surgery! "But I also know clearly that this is too painful for a one-year-old child. More cruelly, if he lived to be seven years old, if he was sensible, his pain would be unimaginable, because he was born to die! That night, my wife and I made the hardest decision of our lives. I clearly remember the bloodless face and sad eyes of my strong lover when I made this decision. I shouted to my lover, "No! The doctor said that if you don't have surgery, the child will be blind, and finally something like cauliflower will grow in his eyes and his head will be deformed. What should I do? What should I do if my smelly hand reaches out and calls me' Mom, Mom, where are you'? I'll go crazy! Do surgery! We won't regret it anyway. Even if you lose everything, treat him! After all, there is still a glimmer of hope! I can't watch my child die! In the face of my hysteria, my love, my love just hugged me madly and shouted at me, "Chun Er, wake up! Don't you let stinky grow to ask you,' Mom, why can't I live'? Do you want him to turn a blind eye to this cold fact? You let him suffer physical destruction and face those curious eyes? " Then he wiped a handful of tears hard. Son, forgive your parents! We are cruel, but there is nothing we can do! We must make such a decision. We would rather let you live happily for a year and leave when you know nothing than leave after you are tortured. Although I know this decision will make me feel guilty for life. The next night, I carried a stink on my back and avoided my relatives. In a quiet city at midnight, I carried him on my back and walked straight. I don't know where to take him and I don't care where to go. All I know is that I'm going behind his back and I'm going to be with him. On the way, I hugged my smelly and asked him, "smelly, mom loves you, do you know?" Stinky told me, "I know.
I told him with tears: "smelly, mom loves you." No matter what your mother does, you must know that your mother loves you. " Stinky replied, "I know." I asked him, "Smelly, will you be my son in the afterlife?" My stink will answer anything without saying anything. My tears dripped on his face. So I changed the subject and asked him, "Smelly, do you love me?" He gave a definite answer: "Love." As the days go by, I still hold a glimmer of fantasy and hope. Maybe it's misdiagnosis, maybe it's calcification, maybe it's all a dream. The first thing I do every morning is to look the child in the eye. I watched him open his eyes in fear. If he smiles at me, if he clearly calls me mom, my day will be very relaxed and happy. But more often, he always lies in my arms with a frown and closed eyes and says to me, "Mom, I feel sick." Then he kept turning his little body. Whenever this happens, my heart will tighten together. All I can do is hold him and hold him tightly, hoping to absorb all his pain into me. I kept telling him, "Smelly, mom's here. Don't be afraid, mom is here, mom is holding you. " Then let him fall asleep in my tears and songs. I taught him many stories and poems, but I never taught him "pain", "pain" and related words, so when he left, he would just say to me, "Mom, I feel so bad." Only I know the meaning of this pain. How much unbearable torture is contained in that kind of pain! My stink is only over one year old after all! My child lived 958 days, two years and seven months, 15 days. When my stinky family was alive, he was surprisingly clever. He is as cute as other children of his age, no, even smarter. He likes cars. I bought him nearly 100 cars of different sizes, and he kept fiddling with his car every day. Yes, I dote on him and give everything I can to satisfy his wishes. It is a kind of enjoyment and happiness for me to watch him play seriously when he is not in pain. I know I won't see him for many days. I used many drugs to treat him when he was ill. I know I'm stupid, but everything is useless. Stinky is still in surgery. Because the things in his eyes have grown up and really stand out, he can't close them. Every time I help him close his eyes and see that what should be his eyeball has been replaced by something gray, I tremble. I'm really falling apart. I know, if this continues, I will go crazy. When I was alive, I was already crazy in the eyes of others. Stinky was pushed into the operating room, and his little body was lying on a big bed, so thin and pitiful. I looked at the door of the operating room, and my life seemed to be drained. I silently prayed to the sky: "Let my stinky smell not live, let him die on the operating table." I'm really crazy. Is there such a prayer in the world? But that's what I was thinking. I know, smelly eyes will be gouged out. There will be a black hole in his eye. I'm scared. I don't know how to face his pain. My wife took my hand and we sat on the steps outside the operating room, away from the crowd. Hold each other's hands tightly, that's the only thing we can catch. The surgical cart was pushed out, but I was lying in another bed. I am weak, from the heart. I was supported. I have to get up. I am the mother. I saw his quiet body, small body, lying motionless on the bed. I picked him up, he was so light, I held him tightly, and I was afraid he would fly away. His left eye is covered with a big gauze. His anesthetic is still effective. He's quiet. At that moment, I suddenly had an illusion: was it the same when he died? I bit my lip hard ― forget it. It stinks crazy. He is crazy to pull the gauze on his face. He's in pain. The anesthetic strength passed, and he struggled to shout: "Mom, it's uncomfortable! Mom! Uncomfortable! " My lover grabbed his hand and shouted to me, "Chun Er, help me catch him quickly!" " ! Don't let him pull off the gauze! "I reluctantly stood up. At this moment, stinky struggled to reach out to me and shouted out the most unforgettable sentence in my life: "Chun Er! Mom! -"that voice is so sad and helpless, and it is so shocking! I finally broke down. I fainted for the first time in my life. When I woke up, stinky had been sedated and fainted. The days in the hospital are days without memories. All I remember now is the dazzling white gauze on my smelly left eye. I tried to close my left eye to see the world smelly can see. I felt sad when I saw it. Really. I am very fragile. I have been afraid to look at the child's left eye since the operation. Every time I take my child to change medicine, I always dare not go in. I hid in the eye gallery. But I can still hear the crazy voice shouting, "Mom-Mom-". I hid in the elevator and went up and down with it. I tried to cover my ears, but I could still hear the smelly cry. The voice of helpless calling for mother floated in every corner of the hospital ... After the operation, the doctor told me that Smelly could live for half a year. I really thought he would live for half a year, but it was only two months before my stink left. Stinky is leaving, I don't know. I really didn't know it was a signal that he was leaving me. He didn't eat or drink, lying quietly in our arms, floating like a feather, and his little eyebrows frowned tightly. He kept wriggling in my arms and shouting, "Mom, I feel terrible. Mom, I don't feel well. "Who can save my child! I sent stinky to the hospital. In the ward, my wife went to the hospital to get something. I hold my child and the child who is about to leave me. I cried and cried without any consideration. I asked stinky, "Why, why did you leave me! I am your mother, but why can't I save you! "Yes, sad is not the child's illness. It's that my mother can't save the child. I can only watch him leave me. The empty ward echoed with my helpless cry, God is still alive! If tears can call back my bad smell, I would rather let them flow into the sea! If I can save the child with my life, I would rather die 10 thousand times! My child, my stink! Only he can hear my call. But he is still in a coma. Stinky is gone. Gone forever, really gone.
I will always remember that day:1997101October 9. My soul was taken away forever. But I still thank God. When he left, his face didn't change much as the doctor predicted. Although his face is slightly deformed, his right eye is not blind. He can still see me when he leaves. He can still hold my hand tightly with his little hand accurately. He still knows that his mother will always be by his side! I chose to cremate him. The old man told me that a child who died so young had better be buried by the side of the road. I strongly object. Stinky was tortured before his death. I can't stand his small body sleeping alone in the cold soil. I can't imagine that his body will be hurt by insects and ants. I'm afraid he's cold, afraid he's lonely, afraid he wakes up crying for his mother, and I want him to turn into light smoke and disperse with the wind. I want him to confess and leave. But I didn't go to cremation. I dare not go. I can't face my dead child. I'm afraid I can't control myself. My wife and colleagues sent it to stink. After I came back, I looked at my lover and wept silently. My love, my strong husband, he didn't cry when the child was ill, but at the moment, he rolled on the bed, clutching his chest, tearing his clothes and crying loudly. He just kept telling me, "Chun Er, I'm hurt! I am distressed! " I hugged his head. He was as weak as a baby. He murmured to me, "I put the smelly bottle beside him and his little toy accompanied him." When I took him out of the refrigerator, he looked like he was sleeping. I kissed his face. I always think he can open his eyes and call dad at once. I removed the gauze from his face. I don't want him to be reborn with that damn gauze. "In the evening, my wife and I burned all the smelly toys, clothes, smelly used things, photos and my diary at the crossroads. I quietly left a wisp of smelly fetal hair and his hundred days of sunshine. I have a happy smiling face in that photo, hugging my child happily. This is the only connection between me and stinky, and it is also the only commemoration of my being a mother. Moreover, it is my eternal memory and endless yearning for stinky. I still can't remember how my lover and I spent that night. I don't remember that night. The next morning, I cut my pajamas and the vest that my lover often wears when sleeping, and cut it at the chest. I carefully wrapped the smelly gray. I hope I can feel the warmth in the dark and feel my parents' concern and body temperature. However, when I went to bury the child, my wife still wouldn't let me go, so I still don't know where my beloved smelly grave is. My child really left this time. I will never see him again in my life, never hear his crisp smile, never hear his unique voice calling for my mother. Except in dreams.