A friend called from Beijing two days ago and said it was late autumn in Beijing. When he walked alone in the sunset and autumn wind, the leaves everywhere and the rustling autumn wind made him feel inexplicably sad and lonely. On the phone, he asked me, "Will you feel lonely in the autumn wind?"
Another friend of mine who has lived in Tokyo for many years once told me that there is a famous boulevard in Tokyo. Every autumn, the streets are covered with thick fallen leaves. In autumn and autumn, he often walks alone in this street. The broken branches and leaves piled up above the ground always make him feel the ruthlessness of autumn, and also make him more eager to have a warm home for him to live in.
I think, in fact, autumn is not sad, but the bleak autumn wind makes people sad. If you look at autumn with a relaxed mood, you will feel that autumn wind and autumn rain are also affectionate.
Autumn is beautiful, but the charm of autumn is only shown to those who are passionate about life.
Autumn is the season of maturity and harvest, and autumn is the fruit of spring and summer. I went to Qiu Lai in spring, and the four seasons are in a cycle. Without autumn, how can there be that vibrant spring after the severe winter?
A person's skin color
At night, a person will go to the same noodle restaurant by bus for more than an hour, sit in the same position, eat the same noodles and experience different feelings.
Just answer the sentence "I don't eat noodles, I eat loneliness", hehe! But the noodles are still good, otherwise I won't go if I'm bored. )
A person will get on the bus at night, get off halfway and walk back. Walking at the crossroads, you will be at a loss and don't know where to go. The bustling crowd along the way, the bustling city business district, but all this has nothing to do with yourself!
When a person is free, he will sit at the computer, listen to sad songs, read sad articles and think of some things and people! However, these things, these people have gone far, leaving only a vague memory.
When a person is bored, he will go back to the place where he studied, take a walk on campus, sit on the playground and watch his brothers and sisters come and go. They laughed so naturally and happily. Tell yourself I've done this before! However, all this is getting farther and farther away from yourself.
The sun will still rise, it will still be sunny after the rain, and I will still go on until the end of the road!
A person's loneliness, the loneliness of a city, but there will be a person's color. ...
You are a cloud in the sky in early April.
I thought no way back had repeatedly proved how wrong this love was.
After listening to Christine's "The Most Important Decision", I saw the happy face in a white wedding dress in the picture, and the ten-year long-distance race was finally coming to fruition. I don't want to live like this all my life. I will have my own life, too. What flashed through my mind at this moment was that leaving you was my most important decision.
The weather became gloomy, as if waiting for a heavy rain. Thick fog formed on the mirror. I write in the mirror with my index finger, that's all. I seem to have been saying this to myself. I think it's good. That's it. I know my personality too well to expect anything from myself. I dare not expect anything from you.
My happiness is a small matter. During class, it was raining heavily outside the window. So I recalled a strange picture. I think of your face and your smell. I'm still thinking, if I had listened to you and got in that car instead of leaving you in other ways, would we still be like this? At that time, I knew it was a fruitless gamble and that you would leave, so I was desperate to leave you in such a stupid way. Even if it's just one more second. I can't bear it again and again. Do you understand why I did this?
I always habitually hide all kinds of little secrets. Because I am desperate for some feelings. Many things are not what I choose not to say, but because I don't know, I can't say, so I have forgotten. It's just that one day when I think about it, it doesn't make any sense for you and me to tell you those little things without any feelings.
I knew I was tired, so I turned off my cell phone and wanted to have a quiet sleep. I still habitually dream a lot. Woke up the next day, the window was bright and beautiful, and it was a good weather for a trip.
Standing on the roof and looking into the distance, the golden rape blossoms have disappeared. Where are you now, the teenager in the rape blossoms? Can't find a destination to play, can't find a companion to travel with. So, I told myself to get used to this life and try to make myself happy even if no one is with me. As long as you live well, this is more important than anything else.
I obviously feel how poor my pen is now. Now I just want to record my mood at this moment in the simplest words. So, I want to say, you will never know, I feel inferior, I am jealous of what I care about.
I don't know whether to show off or stimulate. I saw your outstretched hand, and I think there are at least such persistent people. I once thought about us. I have tried to lower my requirements and try to accept and pay. I don't want to say but anymore. But you didn't wait for me. That's good. It doesn't matter.
Yesterday I went to the drugstore to buy medicine, and the salesman recommended me to buy 100 tablets to supplement estrogen. There are so many small white pills, I really want to take them out and arrange them in a row. To tell you the truth, I don't understand why I should take estrogen supplements. Is it because my feminine features are not obvious enough? You may not be able to eat it anyway. I was thinking about who offended me one day and gave him a whole bottle of small pills. If you give it to a man, will it become a shemale? Ha ha.
The playlist is full of Jay Chou's songs. I haven't listened to those songs for a long time on purpose. Just because of someone. But why should I live so deliberately for one person? I regard you as a toy to eliminate loneliness, and we have a good time. That's all. No longer bound by any tangled emotions, no longer mixed with any complicated feelings. You disappear like smoke in the rainy season in April.
I am an unhappy person.
Today, I watched a video with my mother for two hours, and said a lot of things I should or shouldn't say, such as having the cheek to ask for IELTS registration fee. At that time, my father was asleep and the lights in the room were turned off. I can't see the expression on my mother's face, but I can imagine that it is always sad and full of melancholy. It's really hard for her. I think my dad and I just took turns bullying her. My father used his bad temper to ask me for money endlessly. I wonder how long she will have to worry after this video.
I know my family is very difficult now. Although they never told me how difficult the family's economy was, since I borrowed a deposit of 20,000 from my relatives before I went to Iceland and asked me to return it to my relatives, I can probably imagine the rest. When I grew up on a farm, I always felt that my family was a middle-class family on the farm. Washing machines, color TVs and telephones were all used earlier. Hatefully, when my family is in trouble, I can't tell myself. My parents seldom tell me about money. They kept it from me, just like other relatives. However, it is easy to understand the reasons for the difficulties. First, my prodigal son returned, and second, I failed several times in business. Our family is really a traditional China people. At home, we have practiced cheating to the extreme. Dad was cheated in doing business with others. I was the last to know, and my mother thought it impossible to hide it. I also know that if we keep secrets from each other, we can live in peace. If they don't talk about the company, I will talk less about the school, just occasionally find two happy things to share with you at dinner, and the whole room will be "full of happy air" It's just that when a person reflects, there will be a lot of guilt crawling up, insects generally bite their own hearts, and behind the calm appearance, there are always many disturbing undercurrents.
I've always been curious about how others treat my parents. I think the best way for me to deal with my parents is to say nothing. Experience tells me that if I don't have my own opinion, our contradictions will be much reduced. However, on some important decisions, I can't help but say what I think. After I say it, there will inevitably be disputes, and the consequences of disputes can be infinitely expanded-for example, because of the selection of liberal arts subjects in high school, my father has not talked to me much until now. Now I am standing at such a crossroads. I can't accept the options they gave me, and I have tried to persuade them for more than half a year, saying so many good things and bad things, and they can't accept my choice. In fact, it is not easy for my son to do it. I often question whether my choice is wrong, and whether everyone will feel much better as long as I do what they ask. For a family that is not rich, it is really not the best choice for children to study abroad. And with my current professional background, the future development space is really hard to say. For them, this is simply venture capital. In a family with only children, it is impossible for them to send their children to school in different places like Lu Xun's mother. They have too many things to worry about.
Some words don't know how to say, some are serious and don't know how to measure, and sometimes there is no hope. It's not that I don't understand them, so I didn't say anything in the end. It's so exciting that everyone will get hurt. How I wish I could muddle through these business and family-related topics with laughter, act like I'm not worried, and have the fearless temperament of young people. However, I don't know why, I really can't. I'm too weak. Is it because I haven't completely lost it? Maybe one day there will be nothing, so I am really not afraid of anything.
We all have our own needs.
He often tells me to be realistic, which is what he once taught him. He taught me these things again and again, but he stung me every time. Somehow, in fact, I have been thinking about something for no reason, but it doesn't belong to me. People always live in the shadow of another person and always imitate others, while ordinary people just want to be a simple self. I just want to understand this from my own point of view.
I just sigh that I am a Pisces, and I don't see life thoroughly enough, but I continue to live an ignorant life. You know I will be sad because of reality, but I always remind myself to be realistic. I always remember the good requirements for me, but my heart was shattered. I told myself that it was all just for myself.
I fantasized about my life in Pisces, and life deceived me. It tells me that the world is not so beautiful, there are no fairy tales and there is no Pandora. However, such a fantasy-loving me was pulled out of reality alive, and the next thing made me have to plan ahead, give myself a fortress and protect my interests.
Human contact is only for their own needs. On this road, they pursue different dreams, but they use each other, for status, for scenes and for lust. ...
We want to live in harmony with the world, but we have to struggle in reality. Our so-called innocence is regarded as childish, our so-called simplicity is regarded as stupid, and our so-called simplicity is regarded as an idiot. In this way, we always thought that we would shuttle back and forth in this materialistic world and that the world would be better for us, but now we feel that those proud capitals have become our fatal weakness, so we tell ourselves to change, gradually smooth ourselves out and resist external harm.
Watching you cheat, hunting for each other's interests, achieving your own intentions, doing it so seamlessly, and then smiling politely at your enemies, not angry, not afraid, so calm. We all get what we need and do it safely.
Can't see the fallen leaves
The night view outside the window is beautiful. Looking at the tired figure of people outside the window, I hurried home and suddenly felt so happy. Think about what you should do, stop imagining invisible leaves and face life bravely. No matter what you do, the earth will turn and life will go on.
My daughter thought of you again tonight-
My daughter thought of you again tonight-Dad! Maybe my daughter is a little sad and confused tonight, and tears flow silently again and again-I don't know why she is so sad and confused, and I really want to talk to you gently as before, and I will calm down after listening to your opinion. Now I can only talk to you in this way-
Dad, do you miss me as much as I miss you? - .
How many times at night I dreamed that you stood not far from me and smiled at me, but when I wanted to be close to you, I couldn't get close. I cried desperately and told you not to go far, but you still smiled and said a word to me. Every time I wake up crying, I feel the cold tears on the pillow towel, only to know that it is another dream. I have to accept your departure again. I quietly walked to the window in the dark, maybe I wanted to see you outside the window, maybe I didn't want to accept your departure for so many years, so I lied to myself again and again, you are still not far away, not in heaven, but far away from me, and one day you will go home. I felt sad, full of thoughts and remorse.
Dad, my daughter always feels sorry for you and is full of self-blame for you. Almost every day, she has to calm down and think for a certain period of time. Daughter doesn't know that you lost your mother in your teens, matured too early and became independent too early. Even if your stepmother is not good to you, you should go back to see her after work and be filial to her. Even if my grandfather left, you still insisted on going back several times a year to be filial, which made me always think it was my grandmother. I never did.
Dad, I know that you are a very optimistic person and live with a smile every day. Now I want to know how much pressure, bitterness and pain there is behind dad's smile. Actually, you don't tell the truth because you're afraid we won't care in the future, dad. In fact, if you had told the truth, I wouldn't have cared. We trust each other very much. You must tell me everything, even if you don't tell your mother. Don't we all tell little secrets? But the only thing you keep in your heart is that you don't say it until you leave-maybe there are no secrets in the world. After you left for a few months, my mother and I still knew. My mother was sad for many days, saying that you didn't believe her all your life, that you were too cruel and that you scolded a lot. I can only stand by and listen to her vent quietly-dad.
Dad, whenever I close my eyes, I will think of when you were seriously ill. When you were unconscious in your mind, I sat by your bed and watched you cry, because I knew that you didn't know what sadness, tears and pain were at that time. These are all gifts from God, which is why I dare to cry at you so impudently. That's when you suddenly touched my long hair and wiped away my tears. I looked at you blankly for a while. I don't know what you are thinking, but you always say nothing and smile to wipe away my tears. There was really nothing I could do at that time. I burst into tears and looked at your expectant eyes, trying to say something, but I still didn't say a word. I'm completely devastated. Dad and daughter really work hard. Even though they knew you were hopeless, they took your case all over Beijing to find an expert. Dad, my daughter didn't finish listening to the experts, so I knew everything was impossible. I cried all afternoon in a strange hotel in a city without friends. When I get back, I have to comfort my mother and lie to her about our treatment plan. At that time, I felt that what I should do was to meet all your requirements and hopes as much as possible. Although you didn't know how to ask for them, you didn't know the pain except eating and sleeping every day, which was also the most gratifying thing in my heart.
Dad, do you remember the days before you left? You don't know anyone, and you can't remember who is who, but that night you sat up and looked at me and around. Although I don't know what you are thinking, I ask you who you like best, and you immediately say to me-you! I asked you what your name was, and you said it, and then you lay down again, staring at a place as if you were in a daze, thinking about a problem. All I know is that I am standing by the bed behind you in tears. Although my tears have dried up, there is not much left. That night, I remembered that when I was a child, I followed you everywhere you went. My uncles and aunts upstairs and downstairs say I'm your little sidekick. Even if you go to the toilet, I will follow you, afraid that you will leave me. Now I understand that you really want to leave me. I don't know how to face life without you, because I will always regard myself as a child. Although I am married, I often go home to spoil you. Every time you see me like this, it will be beautiful. Who am I going to tell in the future? But you left me anyway. When I watched you swallow your last breath, I said loudly: Dad, don't worry! I will take care of everything for you! Your closed eyes suddenly opened slightly and left with a sigh. I seem to see that my world is dark, and this day has come. Dad, please forgive my daughter for not crying. There are really no tears. I can only watch you stand there until you are really sent to the funeral home. I cried after the car until I couldn't catch up. I knelt on the ground and watched the car go away. I understand that you really left me and never came back-
Dad, you know what? My daughter thinks about you every day, as if she has never forgotten everything since childhood and is still in sight. It's just that in my sad and lost days, how helpless I am without your understanding and love! When I can't find your figure, I think I should learn to grow up, learn to face and learn to bear all the good and bad, but I never want to grow up and face it. I always feel that you are still by my side to protect me and love me! Dad, I know that only your love is selfless, and only your love means nothing to your daughter.
How many nights, I looked up at the stars, hoping that my father was watching me. Dad, are you okay in the other world? I just want to say that I really miss you, Dad-I call you countless times in my heart every day and tell your daughter that she misses Dad-
Tonight, I look at the starry sky, sit by the window and write down my memory of you. Although tears are already on my cheeks, I feel really calm-dad, don't worry, my daughter is actually very strong!
In the deepest part of the author's memory, there is a blue anthology.