Yesterday, my friends and I made an appointment to take our children to play in an indoor animal city. After seeing the animals, they arranged to continue playing in the small playground inside. When we were tired, we two adults and four children went out to look for food. Food. Before foraging for food, we took the children to the bathroom for convenience and cleaning. When we came out of the bathroom with the children, we saw an aggressive mother pointing at my son and asking a child 4-5 meters away: " Did he hit you?" The little boy next to him nodded timidly. At this time, the woman started pointing at my son and yelling: "Why did you hit my son?" At this moment, my son's reaction shocked me. , the little man raised his head confidently and said to the fierce woman: "I beat him, he was the one who kept grabbing our toys in the playground. We all reminded him, but he still keeps grabbing!" The woman wanted to say I burst out like an explosion: "The playground is yours? Is that toy yours? Why don't you let him take it?..." At this time, I no longer cared about listening to what this shrew was yelling, and my eyes were Staring at her son closely, I saw that he was still looking at her firmly and repeated again, "He was the one who snatched things from us. Why should he snatch the things from us..." At that moment, my brain turned rapidly, and I How to deal with it in one step? I moved half a step forward. I needed to protect my child with a closer distance. If the shrew took action, I could quickly block it. At the same time, I told myself clearly: The child needs to be responsible for his behavior. The child needs such an opportunity to face such sudden and difficult scenes. I calmly continued to watch them argue for a few more words like a bystander. At this time, I felt that my son was about to collapse. I leaned down and told my son softly: "If I hit him, let's go and apologize." The mother was stunned. The son took the initiative to walk up to the boy and said "I'm sorry" in a low voice. The moment he said "I'm sorry", I put my arm around his shoulders and told him firmly and loudly: "My child." , you did a good job, mom supports you!" I took the child's hand and turned around to leave. The mother was left angrily scolding her child: "Why don't you hit me? Why are you crying..." At this time, I saw a cowardly man 10 meters away staring at what was happening here. Only then did he realize that he was the father of the child.
After pulling my son away from there, I squatted in front of my son, hugged him tightly, and asked him how he felt now. My son told me with a trembling voice: "I am very angry. That fierce woman made me very angry." At that moment, I hugged my son and told him firmly: "You are so brave. Facing such a fierce adult, you Still tell the truth firmly. Your sense of responsibility in handling this matter makes me feel that you are particularly powerful." The aunt and companion next to him also recognized and comforted his son. He relaxed a little, and the children went to eat together. .
On the way home in the evening, we walked and chatted. When talking about the experience of this day, what he wanted to talk about the most was what happened with the angry mother. He said: He was very scared, and I still feel quite scared when I think about it now. I responded to his fear and told him: "Actually, my mother was also afraid at the time. She was afraid that the woman would hurt you and that things would get worse. No matter who encounters this kind of situation, they will be very scared, angry, and nervous..." I then asked him: "What will you do next time something like this happens? What support do you need from your mother?" The son hesitated for a while and said nothing. I asked him, do you hope that your mother can stand up and say something for you, or say something to that mother? The son nodded. I asked him: "I understand. So if I told that mother at that time, 'You yelled at a child so fiercely, did you do it appropriately?' Would you feel better psychologically?" The child clicked nod. When I got home in the evening, he pulled me and insisted that I tell my grandma and grandpa about this matter. I invited him to tell it himself, but he pulled me coquettishly and insisted that I tell it. I guessed that he needed more recognition and encouragement at that time, so I took him out and told his grandma and grandpa. After the lecture, he smiled happily when he heard his grandma’s encouragement and approval of his handling methods. . He excitedly talked about another thing he did to help his partner at night. During this process, I suddenly felt that my son’s self-efficacy suddenly improved a lot.
As a mother, I have mixed feelings in my heart, including distress, anger, grievance, shock, and happiness... In this emergency, I also felt After a lot of thinking:
1. My attitude towards the cultivation of children is: give the child some time and space, and let him try to deal with some things within the scope of what he can bear. After all - -In the future, I can’t stay with him all my life, let alone stand in front of him and block everything for him. I will intervene again when he can no longer handle it or has finished handling it. Therefore, in the eyes of many friends, I am a bit like a "stepmother". I have heard many parents tell me that they hope their children's world will be simpler and give them more positive things, and try not to let young children see or face those negative things in society. This idea seems reasonable at first glance.
However, based on my many years of experience working in universities, many children who are always "injured" when they grow up are often dazzled by "beauty" when they were young and have never understood what real society and life are like. When encountering a little wind and waves, it feels like the sky is falling, either giving up on oneself or complaining... At this time, the parents actually responded to the big child in the wind and waves: "You are so old, how can you still do this? Can't you handle it? "Every time I encounter such a scene, I sigh for one thing. Parents have deprived their children of the opportunity to understand real life and society since childhood, and they have also deprived their children of the opportunity to face difficulties and learn to grow from them. What qualifications do such parents have to accuse their children of not understanding, not knowing, and not being able to face difficulties?
In the past few years, whenever my son faces difficulties bravely or struggles in difficult situations, my heart is actually very painful, but there is always a voice in my heart: Son, I’m sorry, mom can help me I support you from behind, but I can’t protect you all the time! In my heart, there is a kind of love called learning to let go and let you try to face it!
2. Regarding conflicts, my attitude is: stop with stillness and remain unchanged in response to changes. Looking back on the process of growing up, I remembered that I had always been a "wolf warrior". When the two sides faced off or had conflicts, I would never show any weakness. Today, the 720° change in attitude toward conflict comes from learning and growth over the years. In fact, from my point of view, yesterday's conflict was just a small friction between two children. I sympathize with the "wolf warrior" mother and feel even more sad. I saw that she was holding back her anger and could not express it to her husband because he was hiding far away. I just glanced at that look and felt extremely cowardly; towards the children, this woman was very powerless. No amount of teaching must have taught children how to be as fierce as her. This mother could only vent all her aggression on my powerful child. Especially when my son bravely confronted him, she looked fierce, as if she had found a target to attack, and she was particularly excited. look like. Faced with such an aggressive person, if someone "interacts" with her in the same way at this time, it will seduce her into further attacks. So, I used a way to make her uncomfortable, not responding, and let her throw an empty punch. When I didn't respond and took my son away, all her aggression was turned on her own child before she had finished releasing it. I guess her husband will not be too comfortable when he returns home, at least his ears will not be clean for a few days...
3. Regarding the follow-up of the incident, my attitude is: find a better solution with the child. Way. Some people may say that this is an afterthought. In fact, when each of us faces a sudden emergency, the process of neurotransmission, signal sending and information processing in the brain takes time. Therefore, without professional systematic training, it is difficult for us to respond in a short period of time. time to react appropriately. Under such circumstances, our handling of the incident will be somewhat unsatisfactory. My children and I have developed a habit of reviewing things afterwards and talking together about each other's emotional feelings, injuries suffered, expected results, areas that can be improved and adjusted during the development of the incident, etc. Why do this? Whether as children or adults, we all need to constantly build new ways of cognition and behavior that are better and more beneficial to our own development based on our past experiences in life. In many traditional educations, when a problem arises, people will point out a bunch of things that are wrong, bad, impossible, and shouldn't be done, and then tell themselves or their children what they can't do next time. What's the result? Next time, the child may really know what not to do, but not know what needs to be done or how to do it... Therefore, after studying career education and psychology over the years, my child and I have never been able to do it, and have constructed a new complex relationship. Disk approach: What can we do? What adjustments do we need to make? Is there anything else that could be improved? ...
4. My attitude towards my mother’s condition is: human emotions, cognition, and behavior contain an invisible power that cannot be concealed or disguised. As parents, if we cannot maintain a stable state and emotions when encountering problems, the children can feel it keenly. When I stand firmly by the children's side, and when I respond to the children with an extension of firm support, the children gain inner confidence. It's that firmness and understanding. When I look away and feel uneasy, what the child gets in his heart is that erratic feeling of powerlessness and uneasiness. When my cognition continues to improve, I look at things and problems from more angles, my vision is broader, and I understand problems with a developmental depth, my children will learn the cognition conveyed by their parents in our communication. When I use my actions to practice the ideas and emotions we want to convey, the children will also imitate and learn the behavior of their parents. What I want my children to be like, I will first try to become that kind of person. Education is a silent thing. Parents are the mirror of their children. How to educate their children depends entirely on how the mirror of parents grows.
I would like to dedicate this article to my growing self and my growing and growing children!