In my vague childhood memory, it was the first time that I knew that when I was growing up, some people were depressed because of stress. An excellent girl failed in the college entrance examination voluntarily and was not admitted to an ideal university. Then she chose to repeat. In the brilliant learning stage along the way, she couldn't bear the snub and ridicule around her life. After failing again the next year, she hanged herself, and a fancy girl fell down.
Although my mother tried to avoid any negative topics such as death when I was young, I still remember that my neighbor and sister were stuck behind when she was a teenager, and I was still young and didn't understand the influence of the word stress on a person.
Later, when I was a senior in high school, my mother was very careful not to give me pressure. Even so, I still have insomnia in every model exam because of my poor psychological quality. I often cried myself to sleep by eating valium, and finally the college entrance examination lasted for three days. Every exam is smeared with wind oil essence, forcing yourself to complete the test questions in a relatively sober state. For students who have studied hard for more than ten years, the college entrance examination seems to be a relief.
When I finished filling out my volunteer, my mother still cautiously hoped that I would study in a province, so as to avoid the tragedy of slipping down in colleges and universities outside the province because of the limitation of enrollment in Anhui. She said she couldn't imagine the pressure of repeating a grade or repeating a course. Even if I don't go to college, I don't want to be abused by my senior year.
It was the first time that I came into contact with such heavy and sensitive words as stress, depression, insomnia and even death in my life and study.
On April 1 day, 2003, all the students in the university were in class. Some people say that Leslie Cheung committed suicide by jumping off a building, just like April Fool's Day every year. When I don't know who broke the news, everyone hoped it was just an April Fool's joke. In that era when the media was not as developed as it is today.
But when the news that Leslie Cheung died of depression was true, everyone began to mourn for the Hong Kong star, and his homosexual identity was excavated layer by layer. In that era when homosexuality was not accepted.
I felt sad and unacceptable when my favorite idol died. At the same time, I heard the most comments around me, that is, so rich to commit suicide, so famous to commit suicide, so handsome to like men?
Yes, compared with Leslie Cheung, a superstar who has no shortage of money, no shortage of money, no shortage of money, no shortage of money, no shortage of money, no shortage of money, no shortage of money, no shortage of money, we are still singing and playing games in college, looking forward to an infinite future with the breath of youth. We are still buying more beautiful clothes for the living expenses next month and making money part-time. We are still crying for the boy in the next class who doesn't like me. We have no idea. Why are people who have everything depressed?
But I still can't accept the avant-garde and abnormal emotional way of homosexuality, which makes people more criticized in words. In addition, Leslie Cheung's similar role left a deep impression on people, which also made the fall of this superstar more psychedelic.
It occurred to me for the first time that death may not be the end of life aging, but sometimes it is a life choice.
After working for several years, I once went back to my hometown and met my old classmate LL, whom I haven't contacted for a long time.
LL and I are in the same school from kindergarten to high school. I watched her fall from the top three in the class to the bottom ten, from a lovely person that both boys, girls, teachers and parents like, to an unsociable person who doesn't like to talk and is ignored. Later, she didn't go to college and gradually lost contact. When I saw her again, the proud and beautiful little girl who wore different hairstyles and clothes every day had become a middle-aged woman in a small city.
I know her family is well-off and has a big villa. I know her parents are divorced, and she has a stepmother and a little sister. Both parents take care of her, but they don't know that such a life with nothing actually makes her suffer from depression.
When LL told me that she had severe depression, I didn't know what kind of psychological state the real depressed patients were in real life.
It turned out that the fact that her mother abandoned her planted the seeds of hatred in her young heart, and she could not accept a new life at all. Although her father was very kind to her and her stepmother was very considerate, she went further and further on the road of self-escape and completely closed herself up.
Depression is different from insomnia, sadness and unhappiness experienced by ordinary people. No matter how good the environment is, she can't feel the light. She always feels that there is a terrible villain fighting with himself frequently, and the whole person is always splitting and fighting with himself. She has to take a lot of medicine and do psychological construction, and because she has been unable to guide herself for many years, it is more difficult for her to get in touch with people and trust them.
I was by her side that day, and after listening to her all afternoon, many of her words were repeated. I don't know how to interrupt, I can't. Such a depressed person, you said everything would be fine, how important life is, so pale and powerless. I am not a doctor. All I can do is give her a hug when I say goodbye at last. Her whole body trembled subconsciously, and then her eyes were red with tears.
That was the first time I came into contact with the real depression around me. I began to understand that the word empathy can only be understood by myself after all. I began to understand that some negative energy in life is not only melodramatic, but also an unbearable pain.
Yesterday, I saw the news of Kimi's suicide, and I was suddenly shocked. The handsome and smiling boy in the sunshine was dead. It's a pity that he is too young. Later, there were rumors all over the screen that he died of SM suffocation, and later it was clarified that it was depression and suicide.
Once again, the media put the rumors and focus on such a young undead. People actually study his death and SM more than regret, but I think those people are not interested in Kimi's death, but more interested in SM.
For a life that has passed away, he completed a life self-salvation with death. They are people who are sick in society for the dignity and awe that people should have when facing death.
Some people with strong self-awareness will say, if you are in a bad mood, then you are idle, others have positive energy, why do you have negative energy, others have sunshine, why are you melodramatic, others can live without money and illness, why do you have to eat, drink and die?
Those who say these words may not understand the disappointment of people with depression in the world. Their mood will change from depression to grief, and they will even be pessimistic and have suicidal attempts or behaviors. People who have never really experienced death will not understand the despair of giving up life completely. Don't add too much burden to their own and others' lives, or they may collapse one day.
What everyone needs most, whether physically or psychologically, is that we treat them like normal people. Depression is a defense in people's hearts. Many patients with depression are difficult to treat and even choose to commit suicide because they subconsciously choose to escape and regard death as a kind of self-salvation.
Maybe life itself is a kind of self-salvation. Some people choose to die and escape, while everyone alive is bravely facing and accepting this journey of self-redemption.
Author | Shadow Swing
WeChat official account | Shadow Swing (yqq _ Cao Ying)