I tried to find the answer to the question. Dense fog enveloped the street. I counted the bluestones step by step, let the autumn wind blow, and let strange faces bounce. Finally, I found that I couldn't escape from this world.
Ba Jin said, be a soldier. I was a soldier killed in battle.
I have studied sketching, but I found that many people draw better than me. I think my computer is great, only to find that I know a little care; I think everything is fine, but everything is not. I think if someone says that I want nothing, I will be speechless.
During that time, I hated the turbidity of society, gave up my boring study and wanted to change something, but there was nothing I could do. I even think that life is only a few decades, so we should eat, drink, and don't care about many things in order to live meaningfully and not waste this life. So I looked rebellious in my composition, and the Chinese teacher said that this is a very decadent idea.
I thought quietly for a long time, and then I understood that she made me accept this reality, because this is something we can't change. I think there is nothing but helplessness behind many things. So I was ambivalent during that time.
After that, I calmed down my body and mind, slowly lived a very realistic life, and occasionally thought about the meaning of doing something. When it doesn't match the life I live now, I will call it treason. Sometimes I suddenly feel very contrary to my heart, but I immediately changed my mind. It is realistic to live with an open mind, but reality does not necessarily mean being forced. I can only say that it is the road taken by all people who think they have no way out, and gradually find that this road is actually very good.
I was admitted to an ideal high school, and the cornerstone of many years cannot be destroyed by a temporary loss. I choose to be a soldier. Maybe studying is really my only way out.
So I gradually understand that depravity can be free, and the freedom of soldiers is the real freedom for me.