I closed the book, pushed open the door, and prepared to go to the street.
"Wait a minute!" My mother stopped me with frightened eyes, like a child who made a mistake. I said calmly, "Mom, I'm fine."
Mom hesitated, took out 200 yuan from her wallet and handed it to me: "Go to your classmate's house first."
I said, "Mom, I don't need it. I have money. "
My mother's hand with money froze on the road, looked at me blankly, and then quickly took out a pile of money: "haven't you always wanted to buy a new guitar?" Take it! Go and buy it, and ask Luo Shan to accompany you! " .
I still said calmly, "Mom, I don't need it. I have money. " I'm not used to asking my parents for money.
Two identical little things with dark skin appeared out of nowhere and jumped up to rob their mother of her money. Cousins and couples are embarrassed. While beating the child, they snatched the money from the child and gave it to the mother. Two little loaches kept struggling. They quarreled, abused and cried. My mother's face became more and more scared. She kept looking at me.
I said, "Mom, I'm fine."
Something is broken. It sounds like music. Mother's face is pale.
The floor is covered with mud. Cactus is lying in the mud, its trunk is broken, its wound is fresh and its blood is bleeding.
The little one immediately raised his hand and reported, "My brother did it!"
The big one pinched her lips and blinked desperately.
Cousin's slap was raised.
I said, "Don't hit him."
My cousin looked at me as if he didn't know me. Yes, he was in love with his cousin and came to my house several times. He knew me then, too.
I said to them, "It's okay. It's cactus anyway. It can grow again. "
The way they look at me is complicated, including my mother.
two
I have a bad temper, and I am also famous among my friends and relatives. Dare to openly contradict the elders in the clan and drink their nicknames; I dared to dig the ancestral grave of someone who laughed at me. I really set out with a hoe that afternoon, which almost caused clan struggle; I dare to roar at any time and any place, whether in school or hospital. In short, I was an out-and-out inflammable and explosive product at that time. Unjustified anger filled my chest all day, and I walked with a livid face as if the whole world owed me a lot of money.
At that time, I was a freshman and only fourteen years old.
In the words of my closest cousin, at that time, I was a mad dog that bit everyone.
I remember that my second uncle, the most annoying person in the clan, said something behind my back: rotten wood. I immediately responded with the most vicious words, specifically attacking his taboo of not having a son. My second uncle, who is over 500, is almost in tears.
I remember that the brick missed him by two centimeters, and he was my friend. Just because I think he's laughing at me.
I remember once chasing a teenage high school student in the street with blood all over his face and a foot-long watermelon knife in his hand.
I remembered ...
I remember I almost went to prison; Almost expelled from school; Once, I jumped from the thirteenth floor only one meter away.
I am a bad boy, aren't I? Out and out, hopeless.
Abnormal and paranoid self-esteem, let the gangsters in five streets give me three points; A strong desire to destroy keeps them away from me.
I walked alone in the crowd, holding my proud head high. Protect my fragile and sensitive heart with cruel words and deeds. I'm not a good student, but I'm not a punk either. I don't want to smoke, gamble or blackmail students. So no group can accept me. I'm totally on the edge.
I thought I forgot. Is that thin and violent teenager really me? Yes, I know that's true. His injury is my injury, and his pain is my pain. The scars left by that year are still clearly engraved on my face and heart.
three
"Dad, are you asleep?"
"It doesn't matter if you fall asleep, just tell yourself."
"My name was given by my grandfather; I was delivered by my grandmother herself; I was brought up in menstruation; I am not a mad dog, but a puppy in my mother's arms. At that time, I was lively, lovely and naive, and I was the pistachio of the whole family. Isn't it? "
"I can recite 50 Tang poems at the age of two, read at the age of three, and take part in an essay contest at the age of five. You told me all this. "
"Later, these became evidence that you proved that I was a modern' Fang Zhongyong'."
"Everything is just because I am not good at math, and primary schools can still bluff under the guidance of the teacher's pointer. When I was in junior high school, I seldom read it. It is often the Chinese teacher who praised my literary talent in the last class, and the math teacher who called me a pig-headed idiot in the next class. Because I always fail math, I can't get into a key high school. According to your adult's logic, if I didn't get into a key high school, I wouldn't get into a key university. If you can't go to a key university, you won't have a good job. Without a good job, children will be unlucky ... "
"Dad, how young I was then. I still can't face this important matter that concerns the fate of my son or daughter. At that time, I loved reading, writing, laughing and going to the mountains to see the clouds alone. "
"Until one day, you think you have to take care of me. Otherwise, your only son will not be the dragon you expect, nor will he be able to complete Haikou-Tsinghua Peking University, which you boasted for me when I was a child. "
"First of all, I burned books, tapes, CD comic posters and everything I like. What do you think? This is the root cause of my poor math performance. You forced me to stand by and watch my beloved Jack? London, Jin Yong and Li Ao were reduced to ashes. You didn't hear me. My teeth are rattling. In the future, I will skip breakfast every day and save money to buy more' idle books' and more CDs. Then I got the math exam 18. Then it was burned, and then it was bought. I took the 18 again ... you obviously underestimated the self-esteem of your precocious son. "
"A year later, you were disappointed."
"You began to sarcasm, sarcasm, cursed. I gritted my teeth and stared at the floor without a word. In your eyes, I walk crooked, eat like a hungry ghost, sleep and grind my teeth … In short, in your mouth, I am nothing. Can only be used to digest food. These are your exact words. "
"I can't imagine such vitriolic words coming from my closest parents' mouths, like an ice pick stuck in my heart, bleeding profusely. You say it's good for me, you say it's a dream, and you hate iron not to produce ... "
"I began to become more and more silent and haunted at home like a ghost. Say up to five sentences a day, including four about eating and drinking Lazarus. I refuse any change, and my self-esteem does not allow me to do so. "
"Two years later, you are desperate."
"I became a typical enterprising person, and you were well-intentioned and tried your best to save me ... all my relatives and friends know that I am a hopeless child. Then when they educate their children, they all say that they don't study hard. I am their role model! They still don't guide a sensitive teenager who lives in humiliation all day how to get through it-at that time, you always threatened to kick me out of the house. A few times, you read my report card and almost did it. "
"You said I graduated from junior high school and let me do small business. You said I didn't deserve to carry shoes. You said ... "
"It seems to be an autumn evening. The sunset was like blood. I don't know how long it took me to walk along the tracks before I found a small restaurant. I sat in my shabby seat and waited for my bowl of rice noodles. It was already dark. A dim electric light is barely on.
That bowl of powder is really terrible. I've never eaten such terrible rice noodles. Did I go this far to eat such a terrible bowl of rice noodles? I cried when I remembered it. You know, I have never shed a tear at home. At first I gritted my teeth and clenched my fist to try not to shed tears, but I couldn't. After several years of dam failure, tears kept pouring out and fell on clothes and tables. "
"Now that I think about it, it's not really about rice noodles. I'm just so lonely. "
"I have never told you this."
four
Cousin, do you remember?
Why don't you remember? We were still in love at that time. Come to your house to play, I thought the gas exploded! You looked like you were going to kill someone that day. It's terrible.
I can't say I like her, but both of them like words and music.
At that time, we had been writing to each other. Actually, we are in the same school and class. Send it anonymously and then send it anonymously. We put glue on stamps and reuse them. In the letter, we discuss literature and current affairs, appreciate and encourage each other, and share secret happiness with each other.
On my sixteenth birthday, my father had forgotten when my son who was not good at math was born. But she remembered that the gift was a small cactus.
I hurried home, put the cactus on the table, and found tools to make a small shelf for the cactus, so that it could bask comfortably on the balcony.
Father looked through my letter. When I returned to my room, I saw the cactus broken in two, fresh and bloody.
A few words popped out of my father's mouth: "shameless!"
Boom, I don't think I can hear anything or see anything. Father's later sarcasm, like a buzz in the distance, is illusory and unreal. I was heartbroken and scattered on the ground. It was too late to pick it up.
That day, I smashed everything that could be smashed at home.
I can't remember how many tears my mother cried that night. I only remember that my father got old a lot overnight. I think he must be shocked. His silent son suddenly turned into an angry lion.
Cousin said: how could I forget? Since then, your temper has become worse and worse. Swearing at every turn. When you come to my house, all the dogs in the village will run away when they see you.
Is it? I don't really remember.
five
I haven't been home since I went to vocational high school.
I began to make money to support myself. I sell beer. I am a construction worker. I wrote all kinds of words to sell money. I collect those bizarre stories and write a dollar-a-word article. Slowly, I never asked my family for money again. In the process of supporting myself, I realized that I am not a loser in my father's mouth.
I was admitted to the university and took part in the work. After many years, I lived alone in a strange city and in a windy house at night. Just blowing over and over again, many things seem to be blown away by the wind. Finally one day, I went home.
A lot of pain has been forgotten, and everything in the past is no longer important-really? I know those hard and painful years are hard to erase in my heart. Everything about me in the future will be branded at that time.
The broken cactus was planted by my father in the backyard, and the wound that year left only a pale scar. The cactus has grown into a big pot, and my father takes care of it carefully.
Father didn't see the birthday card she gave me, which read:
Cactus can't decide where it will sprout, but it can choose to live bravely. Whether in the desert or Gobi. You know, even cactus will produce beautiful flowers one day.
There are butterflies flying in the sky, and my cactus has blossomed.