? Ovid's version has been controversial. The author himself was exiled by Emperor Octavian because of this work, and later conservatives also denounced it as "the most immoral" and "immoral" (Machel language), which made modern readers quite unhappy. Douban score is only 6.0, and the comprehensive evaluation of WeChat reading is "not worth reading". However, some historians praise it as "knowledgeable and meticulous" (and some even compare it with Ovid's classic Metamorphosis or Byron's Don Juan.
? Fromm's version was a great success and was once regarded as "a masterpiece that shook the global view of love". His success can't be separated from failed love again and again. First, his fiancee betrayed him, then he failed with psychologists Frida Rahman and Karen Horney, and finally he found a home with his widow Freeman, rediscovering the essence of intimate relationship and rediscovering himself.
? The two books, The Art of Love, are completely different in evaluation and acceptance, which is simply staggering.
? So, what is the real situation?
? In my opinion, if Fromm's version is the art of love, then Ovid's version is the technology of love; If Fromm's version can be called soul art, then Ovid's version can be called life art.
? Ovid's poems are divided into three parts. In the first two parts, he gave some advice to men on how to find a sweetheart and how to maintain a relationship. In the second half, he gives advice on how to give full play to women's advantages in love and avoid falling into the love trap. Generally speaking, he is like an old hand in love, and he knows Greek and Roman myths and allusions like the back of his hand, explaining how to fall in love for the audience who come to the lecture.
? Remember, with Roland? Bart's works in love class (see "Lovers Whispering") are different. Ovid is not analyzing and deconstructing, but guiding people's practice. Following his train of thought, a man who longs for love will learn how to determine his own goals, how to draw closer in theaters, banquets and other occasions, and how to deepen the relationship in details (appropriate physical contact, remembering birthdays, writing love letters, using people around him like a maid, etc.). ); Women who are eager for love will also be taught the importance of looks, costumes, makeup and manners, and the skills of love, music, poetry, dance and games are also indispensable, as he said:
? Finally, women must be alert to the possible pitfalls in love: men who like to show off their clothes and beauty, each hair has its own position, you should ignore them. They have told thousands of women in Qian Qian what they said to you.
? There are two waves of criticism of Ovid: some people don't like his explicit words and frivolous tone, and they don't like his sexual morality (such as tolerance for adultery, which directly violates Octavian's julius Marriage Law); Some people also criticized Ovid's view of love reflected in this methodology. Can love really be completely summarized by routine skills? You know, it's not a good thing that "the true feelings can't be kept since ancient times, and the routines have won the hearts of the people." Does the formatted and routine love indicate the death of love desire? Is the routine as harmful to the heart as PUA? Different people may have different answers, but I don't think it is appropriate to completely deny Ovid at this point.
? Ovid's "Tutorial" is not so much an art as a technology. It doesn't care about the mind, or it doesn't have high requirements for the mind. It doesn't involve the ability of inner love like Fromm's version, but is the skill completely useless? On the basis of substantial content, the richness of form will be the icing on the cake. Ovid's "tutorial" can also be regarded as an art of life, based on a playful attitude and interesting position, exploring the way to survive with one's partner. This kind of art may not be suitable for everyone, and it may not be completely suitable for the present era, but at least it has some merits or provides negative teaching materials, which is enough for a love education poem more than two thousand years ago.
? To say the least, Ovid provides a variety, which makes us understand the complexity of love in the real world: it can grow wantonly with Platonic idealism, or it can roll along the track of living art to realism. Fortunately, the choice is still in our hands.
? As one reader said:
? If you just stop at Ovid, stick to the form and ignore the content, it is a kind of giving up everything. Fromm pointed out directly from the beginning: what most people say is cute only refers to the integration of love and sexual attraction suitable for the public.
? The soul lives in a deeper circle. Love should not be confined to the surface. If Plato's Drinking is the other side of idealism and Ovid's The Art of Love is the other side of realism, then Fromm's theory can be regarded as a bridge between reality and ideal.
? What do we love?
? Fromm pointed out at the beginning that love is the answer to the problem of human existence. Due to the awakening of human reason, they realize and feel the universal separation and loneliness, which is based on the way of human existence and the binary differentiation of gender.
? Therefore, people's deepest need is to overcome separation and liberate themselves from the lonely prison. Therefore, the common problem of mankind lies in how to overcome separation, how to achieve harmony, how to transcend personal life and find consistency.
? There are many ways to solve this problem, such as drinking, making love, assimilation, living in groups, or creative activities. You can refer to the description in my article "Torture | I Deal with Me for a Long Time" and integrate yourself with the work object. Fromm emphasized that there is no better way than love.
False love and true love
Not every kind of love is worth promoting, and some love is immature or wrong.
? One or both of the "lovers" are still attached to the neurotic love of their parents' image, and transfer their feelings, hopes and fears to the loved ones in adult life, including maternal dependence, paternal flattery and parental alienation. Most of these kinds of love have no good results. As the love needed for sexual union, this is completely putting the cart before the horse. * * * natural combination, although the two bodies are independent, but the psychological dependence is the same, divided into active and passive two forms. The former is mostly in the form of sadism, while the latter is masochism. The two are inseparable. In this kind of combination, both sides have no ego, and both are appendages of the other side. Love, which emphasizes material exchange, as a product of commodity economy, only has rational calculation and seemingly "fair" transaction, but nothing touches the soul.
? The truly desirable mature love is a combination under the condition of maintaining one's dignity and personality. Love is a man's active ability, an ability to break through the barriers that separate people, and an ability to unite him with others. Love enables people to overcome loneliness and sense of separation, but love recognizes people's own value and safeguards people's dignity.
? So, what are the requirements of mature love? Fromm pointed out that true love is mainly "giving", not "receiving". People who often give can feel energetic, courageous and full of vitality, so they are also happy. Giving is more pleasant than receiving, not because giving is loss or giving up, but because the value of my existence lies in the act of giving. Of course, the premise of this effect is that the other party must be able to awaken the corresponding spark of vitality. Talking about the "dedication" to a stone, or one-way infatuation, or dependence, possession and control, obviously can not meet the requirements.
? ? Elements of love
? Fromm emphasized that love is a four-in-one of care, responsibility, respect and understanding, and both of them are indispensable.
? Love is an active concern for the life and growth of the person you love. Where there is no such positive concern, there is no love. Its opposite is control, not mutual restriction. The essence of love is to "work" for something and "promote the growth of something". Love and hard work are inseparable. You love what you work for. You work for what you love.
? Responsibility is a completely voluntary behavior, and it is my response to another person's express or unspecified needs. Taking responsibility means being able and ready to deal with it. In adult love, responsibility mainly refers to caring for spiritual needs.
? Respect means that one person should serve the growth and development of another person according to his own laws and wishes. Respect means no exploitation. Let the people I love grow and develop for their own purposes, not for me. Respect only exists on the basis of freedom, and love is the product of sons of liberty, not the rule.
? Love is an active insight into others, and in this insight, my desire to know secrets is faded by combination. I found myself, I found myself, I found myself, I found both of us, and I found human beings in the act of loving, giving to myself and insight into another person's behavior.
? Whether it is the love of brothers, the love of father and son, mother and daughter, or the love of lovers, these four elements are inseparable. This abnormal and distorted relationship is often caused by the lack of certain elements.
? The practice of love
? In fact, even if we know the importance of the four elements, it is still difficult for us to achieve true love. This is easier said than done, and it is a great challenge to us by life.
? So, is there anything that can help the practice of real love and avoid falling into misunderstanding? Of course there is.
? First of all, people should overcome narcissism. This kind of narcissism shows that people think that the real thing only exists in their own experience, and the external phenomena are not real, and they always perceive it from the perspective of being beneficial or harmful to people. It comes from the profound egoism of human beings, and the transition from infants to adults is the transition from centralization to decentralization. Only by removing narcissism can we be objective, restore the true colors of things, and distinguish objective phenomena from the images formed by people's subjective wishes and fears. Only by being objective can we truly realize understanding and respect.
? The objective thinking skill is rationality, and the emotional attitude behind rationality is humility. Fromm emphasized that to be objective and make oneself rational, it is only possible to adopt a humble attitude, and it can only be done after people wake up from the "children's dream of omniscient and omnipotent world".
? In addition, the practice of the art of love needs the realization of faith. This rational belief comes from personal experience and trust in one's thinking ability, observation ability and judgment ability. It exists not only in thinking and judgment, but also in interpersonal relationships. This is an indispensable quality for any deep friendship and love. Belief in love mainly includes confidence in self-love, confidence in the ability of others to produce love and its reliability.
? It takes courage and the ability to take risks to have faith, and even be prepared for bad luck and setbacks. Being loved and being loved, recognizing certain values as the ultimate relationship, and taking decisive measures to sacrifice all courage for these values all require courage.
? When you consciously worry about not being loved, what you are actually afraid of is love (although this is often unconscious). Love is to promise ourselves and give ourselves without guarantee. I hope our love can arouse the love in my lover's heart. In the beginning, every step you take is in the air, and you may be afraid that you will fall and break into pieces. This is essentially a fear of losing yourself in a one-way street and not turning back, but this should not be a reason to hinder your action.
? As I explained in the article Lost, whoever is lonely at the moment will always be lonely. If you don't take that step, you will never take that step.
? Looking back, we can easily find that Ovid stood on the position of realism and taught us the skills of love and the art of life. Fromm teaches us the ability to love ourselves and others from a spiritual perspective. The transition from Ovid to Fromm not only means a leap in psychology, but also means that the key concept of love has returned to the center of our spiritual stage.
? However, even Fromm admits that under the existing system, there must be very few people who can love; In modern society, love is a rare phenomenon. The age of his writing is like this. Although our present era is characterized by diversification, the general direction is almost the same.
? What I want to say is that love is not only a question posed by fate to human survival, but also a question posed by the times to you and me-just like any previous question. Our answer not only represents ourselves, but also represents our times. This is why Sartre has repeatedly stressed that existentialism is not only responsible for itself, but also for all mankind-
? After all, it's up to you and me to choose what human beings and our children and grandchildren will think of our view of love.