In these five years, there is not a day that I don't miss my children. No matter how hard I try to forget myself, there will always be a casual moment, a casual touch, which makes me burst into tears. I will never forget the happiness and pain brought by the smelly smell. Let me send this article to my son in heaven. Smelly, no matter where you are, I will always be your loving mother.
Time flies. My child has been gone for five years.
I finally dared to pick up a pen and write down that dusty past. Many friends won't let me write, for fear that I will tear open bloody scars and hurt me, but my friend, you don't know that writing is the best relief for me.
I like boys, and I always think boys are easier to raise than real ones. Later, I named my son smelly.
Life with children is happy. The happiness that every child brings to his parents is priceless, eternal and real. When I think back to being with stinky, I can still feel the tenderness that gushes from my heart. It is a gentleness that can melt steel.
I still remember when I was born, smelly was so petite and ugly. Red skin wrinkled, like a little old man. I can't even touch him or hug him. He has been crying. Cry when you are hungry. Cry when you are thirsty. Barbara cried, too. Cry, cry. It took me a long time to understand that all his expressions were just these. So I began to learn how to be a qualified mother. Because this little life can only survive by me, and he will only feel safe in my arms, sleep quietly and stop crying.
I looked at my children happily and sincerely thanked God for giving me such a beautiful elf.
Happy, I didn't realize that there was a disaster behind happiness. It always appears when you least expect it.
1 year and 3 months one night, he suddenly started to make trouble. My lover and I have been coaxing him until he is tired of crying. The next day, when he opened his eyes, his left eye was red. I took him to the hospital for examination, and the doctor just told me to take some anti-inflammatory drugs. Therefore, I give my children medicine on time. But red is still there. It's almost a week, and I'm going to take my children for examination again. This time, the doctor seems very nervous. He checked and checked carefully, and finally told me that the child was blind in his left eye. Besides, I'm afraid there are other problems. I was shocked! After a while, the doctor called my wife in. After my lover came out, he told me pale: "Smelly smell may be eye cancer!" " "I froze:" Eye cancer? No way! It must be wrong! "My children are healthy and lively. Even if he has eye problems, it can't be cancer! I don't believe it! I want to go to Beijing for a second interview!
The next day, my wife and I took the children to Beijing.
The result finally came out.
Stinky is really a retinoblastoma. It is really eye cancer!
I suddenly collapsed to the ground, and it took me a long time to find myself in tears. I feel my blood drained and my heart broken. The doctor told me that children with this disease will be blind when they start walking, and their faces will be deformed with the growth and migration of the tumor, which is terrible. Thinking of the smiling face of the child, I don't believe all this is true. He is only 1 years and 3 months old! His life has just begun, is it coming to an end? Are these all true? The doctor told me that stinky can be treated with chemotherapy now, and there may be a 50% hope, but he must have an eyeball removal operation, including the orbit. As a result of chemotherapy, this side of his face will always be his 1 year-old face, but that side will grow normally. Moreover, even if the operation is successful and the chemotherapy is successful, you can only live to be about 7 or 8 years old. I really want to give him chemotherapy. At that time, I frantically grabbed the doctor's hand and shouted, "Operate on him! Surgery! " But I also know clearly that this is too painful for a child who is only 1 year old. What is more cruel is that if he lives to be 7 years old, if he is sensible, his pain will be unimaginable, because he was born to die!
That night, my wife and I made the hardest decision of our lives. I clearly remember my strong lover's bloodless face and sad eyes when he made this decision. I shouted to my lover, "No! The doctor said that if you don't have surgery, the child will be blind, and finally something like cauliflower will grow in his eyes and his head will be deformed. What should I do? When smelly reached out his hands and called me' mom, mom, where are you!' What should I do? I'll go crazy! Do surgery! Whatever the result, we will not regret it. Even if you lose everything, you have to gouge out the bones and treat him! After all, there is still a glimmer of hope! I can't watch my child die! Facing my hysteria, my love, my love just hugged me madly and shouted at me, "Chun Er, wake up! Don't you let stinky grow to ask you,' Mom, why can't I live'? You just let him face this cold fact with one eye? Don't let him suffer physical destruction and face those curious eyes? " Then he wiped a handful of tears hard.
Son, forgive your parents! We are cruel, but there is nothing we can do! We must make such a decision. We would rather let you live happily for a year and leave when you know nothing than leave after you are tortured. Although I know this decision will make me feel guilty for life.
The next day, I carried a stink on my back and avoided my relatives. In a quiet city at midnight, I carried him on my back and walked straight. I don't know where to take him and I don't care. All I know is that I'm going behind his back and I'm going to be with him. On the way, I held my stink and asked him, "Smelly, mom loves you, do you know?" Stinky told me, "I know." I told him with tears: "smelly, mom loves you, no matter what mom does, you must know that mom loves you." Stinky replied, "I know." I asked him, "Smelly, will you be my son in the afterlife?" My stink, everything will answer my stink but said nothing. My tears dripped on his face. So I changed the subject and asked him, "Smelly, do you love me?" He gave a definite answer: "Love."
Day after day, I still hold a glimmer of fantasy and hope. Maybe it's misdiagnosis, maybe it's calcification, maybe it's all a dream. The first thing I do every morning is to look at the child's eyes. I watched him open his eyes in fear. If he laughs like me, if he explicitly calls me mom, my day will be very relaxed and happy. But more often, he always lies in my arms with a frown and closed eyes and says to me, "Mom, I feel sick." Then he kept turning over. Whenever this happens, my heart will tighten together. All I can do is hold him and hold him tightly, hoping to absorb all his pain into me. I kept telling him, "Smelly, mom's here. Don't be afraid, mom is here, mom is holding you. " Then let him fall asleep in my tears and songs. I taught him many stories and poems, but I never taught him "pain" and "pain" and related words, so when he left, he would just say to me, "Mom, I feel so bad." Only I know the meaning of this pain. How much unbearable torture is contained in that kind of pain! My stink is only over one year old after all!