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Accompanied by the rhythm and rhythm of the tracks, there was a sound of impact. Looking out the window at Fei Ying, people, mountains, fields, layer upon layer close to each other, shuttling in a bright tunnel. Suddenly, they feel like a reincarnation of the world, and the knot of homesickness and homecoming slowly and unconsciously gathers in their hearts.
I haven't been home for almost three years. Always wandering outside, wandering outside. I always like to find some excuses from time to time to prevaricate myself, comfort myself, free myself, and even shamefully anesthetize myself!
But, you, my mother, you went! You left the unfinished life of your father, your son and your loved ones quietly forever! Stand quietly at the foot of the mountain!
Three years!
Mom, in the years since you left, I missed you all the time! I often can't stand being moved by my heart, and I always want to write something to you, my mother, the person who loves me the most. But I can't lift my pen, I can't write, I'm lazy, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy. ...
It was a cold night in Xu Bing, Yangcheng in winter, 1 1 p.m. On the 883 bus, the phone rang urgently. Listen, my mother just took her last breath! In a flash, the cold feeling of the Arctic stirred my heart. From top to bottom, I was amazed and surprised. I quickly hugged the iron column on the car, and my feet were weak. I galloped more than two thousand miles to Sichuan and arrived home the next morning. In Yin Shi, my mother was buried at the foot of Tianjiawan Mountain in my hometown, a mile away from home. That was fifty-four years ago, and there was no monument. It's been three years. Today, I am writing an article in memory of my mother! Alas!
childhood
My mother, whose real name is Tang, grew up in Peng 'an, Sima Xiangru's hometown, which is a very ordinary rural area. There are no famous mountains and ancient victories, but she is also beautiful. There are five brothers and sisters in her family, and her mother is the second child, so her family is relatively poor. My grandmother died a long time ago, and my mother naturally became independent and tenacious. My grandfather is also a local celebrity. He used to be a secretary of a brigade, with high academic qualifications, profound knowledge and good calligraphy. He often helped his neighbors write and draw. Although my mother was born in a scholarly family, she had to take care of her siblings since she was a child. In addition, the feudal thought of preferring boys over girls in that era was still very common and serious in rural areas, not to mention the three-year natural disaster era! So my mother has hardly read any books since she was a child. Later, I often thought that if my mother had it, even if I took a little from my grandfather, it would only be a little. Although my mother can't devote herself to the torrent of socialist revolution, she can at least change her life's fate and trajectory, because knowledge was very precious and useful at that time!
When the girl reached the age of marriage, my mother married a slow, honest and diligent man, and later became my father under the introduction and matchmaking of the matchmaker. Of course, I came to the county seat. Although the environment is much better, I am still poor. My mother gave birth to two children. Am I the youngest and my mother's favorite and pet? I have been the meat in my mother's heart since I was a child. Whether at work or in leisure, I often carry me on my back.
When my mother was pregnant with me, it coincided with the first year of family planning in Sichuan. It was 1978, and I was super-born. The limelight is tight, but it is true. I stayed in my mother's belly for eight to nine months, and I can't get it off anymore. Later, after the ideological education of village cadres and economic fines, they finally had to give up. I am lucky to be in this world! Mom is relieved! The stone in my heart finally landed!
Life was really hard then, and it's hard to imagine in retrospect. Maybe many post-90s people think that it was once a myth. 1978, many things happened. The Gang of Four was crushed, Comrade Xiaoping came to power, educated youth returned to the city, and the whole country was in chaos. Ten years of turmoil has brought many disasters to the whole country and endless difficulties to the people. If nothing else, it is difficult for ordinary people to get something to eat, and they have to get tickets. When they finally got the tickets, it was hard to get them, and the supply was tight! The planned economy system can be said to have made China people like my parents suffer for generations! As a result, many people are stunted and not tall, which I think has a lot to do with this.
At that time, my mother had a boy, which was my brother. At that time, he could still run around the ridge with a sickle, digging and digging, and suddenly he opened his mouth to eat. It's obviously more difficult for my mother to raise me than I thought. It's not just a simple question of adding water to the pot. I often see my arm crying and sucking my teeth. My mother smiled happily and happily! Fortunately, at that time, my mother had a lot of milk and kept me full! That's what parents do. Nothing difficult, as long as it's for the children! You can eat anything! Can bear it!
Childhood memories are mostly blurred with age. When I grew up, I heard from my elders and neighbors that I only knew that I spent most of my time in the basket on my mother's shoulder, in the mud in the ditch on the mountain, in the mud beside the ridge of the field, in the creaking cradle and in the gentle and powerful back of my hand!
At that time, my grandmother was very old and I had many cousins, so I basically couldn't and didn't have time to look after my grandson. Although I was also his grandson, my mother was a stubborn and independent person who was not good at words. Mother Nature often takes me away and takes care of me alone!
My mother often does this. When I was working alone, she carried me up the mountain and nursed me, then patted me gently with her thick cocoon-covered hands, hummed whispers that I didn't understand at that time, slowly put me to sleep, and then gently put it in the basket. Put the basket on the slope near the dirt ditch, and after repairing it, she went to work to earn something called work points that cost less than a few dollars a year. Often when I cry.
When my childhood playmates were all running around the mountain, because no one looked after me, I was four years old, but I was still in my mother's arms, thinking about her feeding and loving her love and kiss! Mom still loves me as always!
Later, I had to be sent to a rural school for enlightenment education. At that time, my mother had to get up early, wash pots and boil water, prepare breakfast for the whole family and feed the livestock. I often lie in the warm bed, and often see my mother's busy figure looming from the cracks in the mud bamboo strips, shining on my cheeks, blinking, bending and turning in circles, moving quickly and without stopping. I also saw the flame licking the bottom of the black pot like a snake core coming out of the stove, flashing, always making people feel that it is a kind of warm love, a kind of
Hula-la-la, I sucked the lovely sweet potato porridge that can make my face red. I always feel wonderful, delicious, comfortable and satisfied when I think of it. Pickles that are sour to the roots always make people drool. After many years, I have traveled all over the country, eaten many good dishes and tasted many flavors, but I still have endless aftertaste in my heart. I always feel that my mother's dishes are the best and most fragrant! I want to know why. Later, I understood, I think, it must be the mother who deeply melted the love, the kind of selfless love for her child. Just imagine, even if the strong tea fragrance and the faint rice fragrance are mixed with the taste of love, how can it not be mellow and delicious?
After watching me finish eating, my mother helped me put on clean clothes and a clean green cloth schoolbag with the words "serving the people" printed on it, and then sent me to the door, leaned there and watched me walk away. I fly happily like a bird flying in the sky, but I often pretend not to hear or pay attention to my mother's loud chatter behind me, jumping up and down willfully, and I can still hear it from a distance.
Mom, do you remember? I was really naughty once. I still remember clearly that it was when I was in the first grade of primary school. When my companion and I were playing in front of the factory, the thumb of my left hand was cut off by a thick iron gate. At that time, my companions and I were stupid and ran away. I was the only one who stayed there stupidly. The skin on Bai Sensen's bone seems to be falling off. I don't know what pain is. Soon my whole body was covered. Later, in the cries of adults, my mother put down her farm work and ran over, carrying me to the health center. It was a bolt from the blue when I heard the doctor say that she was going to cut off her thumb! When I heard that she was going to be disabled, my mother shook her head and couldn't accept it! I hurried to the county hospital and my clothes were soaked with sweat. When I arrived at the row of red and white bungalows in the county hospital, as soon as the alcohol came up, I immediately screamed and cried, scratching and kicking my hands and feet. The stabbing pain runs through every part of my body, every nerve ending, and the heartbreaking pain resounds throughout the operating room. Mother held me tightly and pressed my injured left hand. I kept blaming myself and comforting my forehead and face. My wet hair, tears, tears in my eyes have slipped down, dripping on my tender face, mixed with my sweat and tears, and slowly slipping through my fingers. This is why I can feel the anxious and self-blaming heartbeats of mother and son, and the deep maternal love breath. Later, the pain gradually stopped, and I became numb-drunk. I just vaguely felt that the doctor in a white coat picked up the shiny silver needle and the long white thread that my mother usually used to sew clothes, and it was soon sewn up. When I woke up, I was already lying in my bed, and the wound was still tearing. I also saw my mother working nonstop in my sleepy eyes!
When I was a child, I was always so worried, so naughty, so naughty. Now many bits and pieces of the past have become memories, which can only be recalled and cannot be approached. Only my mother, no matter what happens, always accompanies me, makes me snuggle up, makes me cry and makes me naughty and coquettish. However, my mother is no longer alive, but she can go back in time when she was a child, and there is no witness! Alas! Who knows?
teenagers
When I was in junior high school, my elderly grandmother had just passed away. As far as I can remember, although my mother doesn't know how to read poetry and what is important, she is very dutiful and filial. If there are difficulties, she takes care of my grandmother from above and our children from below. After more than ten years of hard work, my mother is always busy. No matter whether it is sunny or rainy, she always loves barefoot, on the mountain and in Tanobei. Seeing my own, I was admitted to junior high school. My mother is very happy, but she is busier. My mother knows that she has more courage on her shoulders. By the time I graduated from middle school, I had achieved good results in the senior high school entrance examination. I wanted to lighten my parents' burden and choose technical secondary school and normal school, but my strong mother wanted me to go to high school and once again pinned her hopes on my tender shoulders. That passionate love is as tall and heavy as that mountain!
youth
The days of going to high school are still difficult. Every weekend, I take the living expenses given by my parents and carry a week's change of clothes. The clear water of Jialing River once made countless white waves on the ship's strings, and it was not until the weekend holiday that I got home. At this time, my mother was always preparing meals, but she always wolfed them down. She often forgot that her mother stood there motionless and always smiled with relief, but at that time I couldn't understand that everything was unintentional. Maybe I think this is what mom and dad should do. When we are young, we always like to extend the love of our parents and mothers, even when we are adults.
Later, in the winter of 10, I can't remember the exact day, except that it rained in Mao Mao, and the milky fog didn't disperse all day. When I was in physical education class at the last quarter of the morning, I fell down while playing football. I have to go home. During lunch break at noon, I sneaked across the river to my house across the river and saw my mother eating, but the dishes on the table were completely different from those on weekends, all cabbage and kimchi. Because time was tight, I scratched a few mouthfuls of rice and rushed out of the house. It was raining in Mao Mao, which blurred my lens and hit my face, but it was very cold. I ran, ran, I don't know why, my tears were covered with fine sweat. Think of their mothers. They are usually frugal. They not only live on meager food every day, but also work hard. Moreover, they have to wait until the children studying on the other side of the river go home on weekends before they can go to a sumptuous food and have a decent meal. They are very upset. Really, it is too heavy. For a moment, I suddenly seem to have grown up and learned a lot.
I don't know how other people's parents raise their children, but I know that my mom and dad are like this, and they are the greatest in my heart. In the three years of high school, my parents were honest farmers, with little education and skills. They relied on those hands, those rough hands covered with cocoons. On that thin land, they worked hard to grow vegetables and buy food, coming in the wind and going in the rain, because I was blown by the cold wind.
When I was studying in Rongxing, my mother stood at the door and watched me walk away, just like when I was a child. She knows her and goes far away. Maybe it's a place she's never been in her life. At that time, I was taller than my mother and inherited many genes from my mother. I look like my mother. My mother can't help me recite the package as I was a child, and I can't kiss me as I did when I was a child. But my mother is in the house, busy, still preparing my luggage, asking questions, for fear of taking something less. I am impatient. I always feel that I have grown up, I can understand myself and take care of myself, but how can I understand my mother's mind? In the mother's mind, the son will never grow up, and the son is far away, but the mother and son are United but connected!
By the time I graduated, my mother was a little old and not as strong as before. I remember the first time I went home by train, and it was already late at night when I got home. I called my mother gently, and my mother knew at once that I was back. Is this what she dreams of day and night? She opened the door of the main room neatly and kept asking her how thin she was and how she didn't eat more. That's right. I have been designing in an advertising company in Chengdu, and my monthly salary is only 600 yuan. When I handed the saved 200 yuan, my mother stared at the happy smile and said, I finally saw that you can make money. The wrinkles in the corners of the eyes are soaked with tears of happiness. Mother slowly wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes with the rough back of her hand, muttering to herself, immersed in happiness!
grow up
In my hometown, actually, growing vegetables is a very hard job. I have to get up early to pick vegetables. Whether it's dog summer or cold March 9, I'm always busy all year round. I always plant seedlings, weed, fertilize, spray medicine and pick vegetables on the edge of the ridge. Dewdrops on the edge of the ridge always soak my mother's rags and tired body, and my mother has been doing this for decades. My mother's knee joint has a problem of poor flexion and extension, and it hurts to bend over when walking, but my mother persisted and has been busy. Later, I gradually saved more than 30 yuan from my weekly living expenses and bought 505 magic kneepads for my mother to tie day and night, and the situation gradually eased.
Then I don't know how I got nephritis. At that time, I went south to Guangzhou, a hot land, to make a living. Soon, I was working in Guangzhou Building, responsible for hotel planning. At that time, my salary was still very low, and I met a girl from Hunan who I admired for a long time, named Du Juan. My money is even tighter. I struggled for my mother's illness and kept borrowing money. Fortunately, my mother finally got her illness under control in the hospital in her hometown, but she was not completely cured. The doctor said that although he could leave the hospital, he also said that it would be fine to treat for a while. At that time, financial constraints finally let my mother go home to recuperate. Now that I think about it, I really regret it. It really hurts! If I had more money on hand, I would work harder and treat my mother better. Is that right? My mother won't shrink her brain and leave us so early. I didn't try my best, I didn't do my duty or I didn't do my duty. For my selfish thoughts, I have no time to pay attention to my mother's illness, or even to her faint call for life. Alas! Looking back now, from my birth in 10 to my mother's sad and painful death in shock, I owe my mother all these years, and I owe her strong and selfless love and feeding for her children. The thought of my mother's illness makes me uneasy, uneasy and heartbroken! It's like something haunts you, constantly tearing at the hypocrisy and narrowness that sting your fragile heart. I think of my sick mother watching, watching and waiting. What she loves most is just waiting and watching. How helpless, pitiful and disappointed her eyes are. How she wishes her son were around! Comfort her and talk to her. Didn't the countryside say that raising children to prevent old age? But I went again! Alas!
However, it is not a mistake to be tired of your mother!
Later, my mother somehow really lost her brain. Seeing the CT film of the hospital, I don't know much about brain atrophy, and I feel that it must be a very serious disease. Sure enough, my mother was naive like a child at that time, and she didn't know whether it was hot or cold, and she didn't know whether to urinate or urinate. She is dying, and her temperament has changed greatly. She walked around all day, turning round and round, with no luster in her eyes. She saw her pain. I kept looking for medicine, consulting doctors, and looking for a healthy way of CCTV, but there was nothing I could do after all, except that my mother was terminally ill. Later, I tried my best to mail the medicine in Beijing. At first, the medicine was effective, but later it didn't work. Finally, I had no choice but to look for a prescription in the Classic of Ancient Chinese Medicine. Although I found out that my mother drinks Chinese medicine such as brown sugar every day, her illness is still one a day. Later, I was speechless and exhausted. When I saw what I was like before, I couldn't speak. I just cried slowly and wiped it with the back of my hand, but I knew it very well. I just can't say it. I just looked at Yao, who was raised in my hands. I want to say it, but I can't. How painful and helpless it is. How can you be anxious if you don't know your mother's last wish and don't let go of your life? How can you be in a hurry to see your daughter-in-law when you don't know that she is not married? Mom, that's my heart-wrenching pain. It's okay to watch my mother suffer this crime. I'd rather bear it myself. I really can't forget what my mother suffered when she was ill!
Flying on Chengnan Expressway overnight, the milky white wet fog wet the car body from the seam, and the orange headlights could not pass through the fog, just like the sad knot in my heart. I changed trains several times and finally arrived at the familiar door. The dim light came through the crack of the door, so I got out of the car and ran to the room. I don't remember how to step on the threshold. I looked at my mother quietly and silently. I don't remember what happened, but I felt an illusion. I don't believe my mother has really left, so I feel like I'm asleep. I woke up under the cry of the mage. My crying brother stroked my mother's coffin, and the rapeseed oil lamps danced one by one, which made people feel a little surprised and strange. Slowly, he pushed away the one above his mother's coffin. The younger brother hurriedly touched his mother's face. I couldn't bear to see her face when she finally left. I only saw her eyes open. I know I owe both spiritually and materially. I am like a sinner who has no chance to ask for forgiveness. My mother didn't even close her eyes when she died That's her unfulfilled wish. Her son, her son, unfilial, even. The mage cut off our nails and hair with scissors and put them on our mother's coat carefully, hoping to accompany her on the way to the grave and not be lonely. The mage told us not to shed tears in the mother's coffin, so that the mother would worry about her son day and night and fidget. I have experienced three death processes in my life, first my grandparents more than ten years ago, and then my own mother. I was young a few times ago, and I basically didn't feel anything when my relatives left. I can look at my mother and give birth to her mother, and my mood and feelings are very deep. It is inseparable from the flesh and blood. It's a gene engraved in my heart. My mother loves me.
According to the custom of his hometown and countryside, the mage nailed his mother's coffin and began the funeral. The elders clothed our brother in slender linen and white mourning clothes, that is, my brother Pima Dai Xiao walked silently in the front, holding his mother's coffin. I can't remember what I have in my hand, and my mind is blank. This article should have been written a long time ago, but I don't want to touch my heart. It is the most painful place to melt the heart.
My brother and I slowly moved our lower limbs together, and I already suspected it was my own. It was dark and foggy, and the torch seemed unable to withstand the cold winter in my hometown. I looked back at my father, sitting in the main room, my tears had dried up, and I looked haggard and emaciated in the dim light, with no spirit and hoarse voice. People have been comforting me. When my mother's coffin was lifted by eight able-bodied men, I didn't pull my father. I know he is crying. I can feel that this is the last time my father and mother met. From then on, the two men were separated by yin and yang, and only met in their dreams. Decades of bitter days, joys and sorrows, unfulfilled wishes, earthly life of loved ones, and people say that it is all over now. How can my father accept this fact, I think.
I don't know how long it took, but my father let go and was held by everyone. I followed my brother, followed by my mother's coffin, paper money flying, and the mage murmured the language of communication with the underworld. By the time we got off the kang, the pit several feet square had been spread out, the paper money had been burned out and flying all over the sky. The sky is almost slightly bright, the fog is still heavy and humid, and there are no clouds in Wan Li. A crock full of coarse grains is buried around the pit. My brother and I fanned the paper dust for my mother for the last time. The mage measured it with a compass or something, and my mother's coffin was placed here. I'm 54 years old. This is my mother's life, a very ordinary life, a very miserable life. I think when she was born, her family was poor and didn't have enough to eat. After marrying her father, she supported her family and children with tenacity, frugality and maternal love until she struggled, died and finished her life. Many of them may be able to change their own destiny, but some people say that the people in China are really kind and amiable. After reading Lu Yao's "Life" and "Ordinary World", I felt my mother's amiable and lovely. It is because of her tenacious and bitter efforts that I can, I can sit here, sitting on the campus of China Normal University, typing on the keyboard and writing my mother's story.
It's a pity that for so many years, my mother has never seen her favorite girlfriend, especially the Hunan girl who claims to have no conscience, the woman who once loved and hated. I know why my mother didn't close her eyes before she died. That's a concern, but I've always felt unfilial and I don't want to go back to see my mother for years. It is fear that has become the most painful and sad place in my life.
Mom, can you forgive me? Your favorite son has come to see you. entreat ...
The grave is covered with weeds only in my hometown, full of mountain flowers, thinking about my future and destiny, and still struggling. Do you know my son's pain after eight years in "Close Family"? When a woman leaves, her career is at a low ebb and her mother is in the grave. Crying mother neither smells her mother's words nor drinks her rice.
The mountains are wild, the grass is barren, the Jialing River is water, and the soup is cooked day and night, the paper is gray, and tears are falling. Alas, with my son gone, I still look back at my mother many times. I can't bear to cry and never give up. Under the grave, mother, you will protect your favorite son.