A cheerful, lively and carefree Xiaojia, in the last six months, suddenly came to a big reversal and fell into loneliness and sadness from time to time.
In Jony J's original words, I am the only one in my world.
On Monday, she had a cold and a fever, so she called in sick and stayed at home.
My parents have gone to work, and there is no one at home.
Xiao Jia felt very sad and squatted on the balcony crying. I feel sad and abandoned.
Parents hurried out and left her alone. They just said, "If you are sick, ask for leave and rest at home."
All day, I didn't care if my fever had gone down, and I didn't have any phone calls or text messages. Being yourself is not important at all, it is dispensable for parents.
Whenever she comes into contact with some sentimental literary works and film and television works, there will always be a deep emotional experience, as if those works express her inner feelings, an emotion that she wants to express but does not express.
She really wants to find someone to pour out this feeling, but it seems that she can't find such a person. Tell friends that they don't understand; Tell your parents that you are not free or interested.
So she gradually felt so small, lonely and fragile. So, I was immersed in sadness and loneliness all day.
02
Xiao Jia's situation reflects the contradiction between the atresia and openness of adolescent psychology.
Children at this stage, on the one hand, close their inner world and do not reveal it to the outside world. It is mainly caused by the sense of adulthood and independence. Of course, some children think that adults don't understand them, which leads to dissatisfaction and distrust and increases the degree of atresia.
On the other hand, many troubles make children at this stage feel lonely and lonely. They want to communicate with others and get their understanding. They hope to pour out their hearts to their parents to some extent.
The sense of adulthood makes children have a strong sense of independence, unwilling to blindly obey their parents and trying to get rid of their parents' arrangement and intervention in all aspects of spiritual life.
In fact, at this stage, children's psychological development speed is relatively slow, and their psychological level is still in the transitional stage from immature to mature.
Their cognitive ability, way of thinking and social experience are all in a semi-mature state, so they still want to get spiritual understanding, support and protection from adults when facing many contradictions and puzzles.
At the same time, at this stage, children's attention shifted from the external world to the inner world.
Therefore, paying close attention to one's emotions and often exaggerating one's emotional experience is an egocentric tendency with strong subjective color. They often complain that others don't understand and accept themselves.
In psychology, this psychological state is called locking psychology, and the emotional experience of feeling isolated and lonely is called loneliness.
03
No period can feel loneliness more strongly than adolescence, and no one can get along with loneliness better than adolescent children.
Youth savors loneliness in an instant, and when it is about to get rid of loneliness, it earns an instant, and then it falls into loneliness again ... so it has been in a cycle.
Looking for the same sex in the spiritual world will often disappoint the child, because she will find that very close and intimate friends don't understand her and don't understand her; There is an insurmountable gap between parents.
I feel like a lone ranger, a lone ranger who longs for company. But it is also in such a lonely state that children will be more eager for "bosom friends" and "bosom friends" than at other times.
Have a stronger vision to get rid of this state. After longing, people often feel lost because of reality, so they are more lonely, and then return to a lonely state after being lost.
Loneliness and the pain and anxiety it causes indicate connection.
It reminds us of the danger of staying away from groups and losing contact.
Different people will have different ways to deal with this lack of signal.
Some people are naturally tolerant of loneliness. They like being alone, but they feel uncomfortable in a crowd.
Some people are natural communicators, and only in the crowd can they feel safe.
However, as natural social animals, most of us are more eager for the intimate relationship between people-being close to someone, being understood, being cared for and being loved.
04
Loneliness is a deep feeling, which has nothing to do with the number or frequency of connections, but with the quality and significance of connections.
In the noise of the wedding, children will still feel deeply lonely.
What's more, as an only-child generation, there are no brothers and sisters and no relatives. There is too much competition among classmates, and teachers pay too much attention to grades ... they can't find anyone who can accompany them and walk into their hearts.
Many parents, some are unaware of the problem of their children's loneliness, and some are aware of it, but they are at a loss in the face of their children's loneliness.
Because there seems to be no difference between doing something and not doing anything.
Some parents have to-now the social competition is fierce and the pressure is too great. These parents are busy with work all day and have no time to take care of their children, which easily leads to the loneliness of a certain part of their children. And some parents think that their children are moaning without illness, downplaying or even ignoring their loneliness.
05
What can we do?
1, make good use of empathy.
Patiently listen to your child's story before considering whether it is necessary to share your own story.
Is the result of sharing beneficial to children?
Even if parents have experienced similar experiences, they can't fully understand their children's feelings.
Because emotion is a very special personal experience.
2. Encourage children to open their hearts when getting along with others and increase their inner transparency.
Only by opening your heart, making your thoughts public and increasing your inner transparency can you gain mutual understanding and communication, increase mutual trust, eliminate barriers and gain maximum understanding.
Of course, it would be better if parents could set an example.
3. Making children aware of the harm from others is actually the failure of expectations.
If a person's actual attitude towards her is worse than what ta hopes, ta will think that she has been hurt.
For example, ta wants a person to like himself, but in fact the other person is not very friendly to ta, so ta will feel hurt.
From the standpoint of others, it can be said with certainty that ta has also hurt the other party in some ways.
Because her attitude towards others can't always be what others hope.
Therefore, it is impossible for the other party to meet the expectations of ta in all aspects of getting along with others, just as ta will not meet the expectations of the other party in all aspects.
4. Let the children keep memories that can make ta happy, make ta happy, grateful and excited, and let ta live in peace with the world.
Whenever I feel lonely, I will recall those happy moments, which can give a balanced perspective to the current state.
Let the children appreciate what they have.
Studies show that people can't be angry and grateful at the same time.
Organize and count the joys and miracles in life with your children and start looking for them in life. Once you master the essentials, more and more beautiful things will flood into your mind, and you will find more in your life.
5. Encourage children to learn to get along with themselves.
Let ta cultivate curiosity about what happened around him and what happened to him;
Record ta's thoughts and feelings, and turn it over from time to time to see what kind of mood ta's record reflects;
Find something happy to do: read books, listen to music, or go out to experience something new;
Do some exercise, go for a walk, or do some other types of exercise;
Cultivate your hobbies, such as painting, calligraphy, cooking, yoga, music and so on. If you are proficient in one subject, you can also teach others. ...