Let the child be a child
Last week Xie Nan sent me a WeChat message asking me: "I watched my child fall asleep, and I began to worry: How should I educate her? There is no ink in my stomach. I don’t want my child to be like me, without quality or education. I was worried to death when I saw other people’s children starting to learn English and early childhood education.”
I was worried. I am reading a book, and I just want to give a simple reply: pay more attention to the present and live a good life now. Study together with your children if possible.
Actually, I still have something to say. As a mother, my anxiety is no less than hers. However, all our anxieties will not disappear as our children grow up, but will increase. Anxiety comes not only from parents, but also from legal, medical and educational institutions. The entire society is utilitarian and anxious.
It seems that we are never satisfied and always anxious. Although I know this is not good, I can't control my inner comparison. Especially when dealing with children, I always want to give everything I have to give them the best that I can.
It seems that adults in China do the same thing, and I thought the same way before. It wasn't until recently that I read "Giving Children the Best Growth Power" by Erika Christakis (USA) that I began to think that the ideas I had been sure of before might not be what I thought. . It seems that I can answer Xie Nan's question better.
Erika Christakis, an outstanding graduate of Harvard University, received a master's degree in public health from Johns Hopkins University and a master's degree in communication from the University of Pennsylvania. M.A. in Early Childhood Education from Lesley University.
He once taught at the Child Study Center of Yale University, teaching university courses related to child development and education policy. She wrote this book based on her own parenting and practical work experience. The core of this book is: Our relationship with our children is the most important learning tool, because in children's brains, love and learning are two complementary concepts.
1.
Bruce Lee, who made the world remember Chinese Kung Fu, once said about the philosophy of water: "Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless, like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. You put it into a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend!” ---Bruce Lee (The mind has no distracting thoughts, it is invisible, ever-changing, just like water. When it is put into a cup, it is a cup. When it is put into a bottle, it is a bottle. When it is put into a pot, it is a pot. When it is still, it is like clouds and flowing water; when it moves, it is terrifying. Waves are like water, my friend. --Bruce Lee)
Children have all the elements they need to grow. If we are willing to watch them carefully, they will tell us the way forward. We don’t have to be afraid that he or she will eventually turn into a cup, a bottle or a kettle, everything has its own destiny.
It is of paramount importance that parents and teachers find ways to deepen their connections with their children. Our relationship with our children is the most important learning tool. Because in a child's brain, learning and love are two complementary concepts.
To deepen the connection between yourself and your children, in addition to spending more time with your children, you should also communicate with them more during the companionship process, understand what they say, and communicate with them with a childlike innocence.
The environment in which children live is the classroom. We should pay attention to all the environments in which children are exposed that provide learning opportunities, rather than focusing only on those environments defined by schools. In fact, children can and always learn from any environment. What cannot be ignored is that the foundation for learning exists in every child’s brain.
Don’t think that your children don’t know that their parents are quarreling or having a cold war, and don’t ignore your children’s emotions.
Several times before going to bed, my husband and I argued loudly about some issue in the bedroom, with Beanbao lying between us. She was only a little over two years old. She suddenly said, Mom, stop talking. At that time, I realized that maybe we were talking too noisily and disturbed her to sleep. Recently, several times, when my mother and I were having a particularly heated argument about a certain issue, Doubao suddenly said, "Mom, stop talking." Then he looked at me with a smile.
I just realized that it was bad for her to feel our emotions. Think about those children who are often involved in quarrels and fights. Do they really not know what adults are saying? Maybe they don't know what you are talking about or what you mean, but they definitely know that you have bad emotions and it has made them feel uncomfortable.
Doubao will speak out to let us know, but if many children can’t speak out, does that mean they don’t know? what to do? Watch them more closely. Children's concrete image thinking and most of the time their whimsical thoughts are obviously different from adults' thinking, but the scope and intensity of their feelings (such as pride, joy, jealousy, fear, etc.) are surprisingly similar to adults' feelings. .
Don’t avoid children’s real anger and needs. Getting the focus away from the triggering point of the conflict and back to the children's feelings is the key. Understand that conflict is a natural part of life and that emotional outbursts can be destructive, but it is better to let them out than to hold them in. Suppressing the inner emotions of young children is an absolute mistake because, as we have seen, emotional states are closely related to learning.
Children are born with the ability to learn from the responses and interactions between people. The vast majority of young children can be raised well. It’s simple enough: young children need knowledge and understanding. To do this, they need a learning environment where they can connect with people who truly understand them.
2.
Picasso reminds us: "Every child is an artist, the problem is how to ensure that he remains one when he grows up."
Games seem to do it Give us more answers. But what can adults do to help children develop resilience in play? "Giving Children the Best Growth Power" gives the following suggestions:
1. Change the topic appropriately. If you encounter something negative in a game, find a way to distract them.
2. If your child reports that someone said bad things about him, use a relaxed tone to give him energy: "But we all know that you are not that kind of child! I feel stupid to say that"
3. Redirecting has made oversimplified conclusions. Be careful not to belittle their observations or force them to play happily with every child.
4. Remind our children that everyone who plays games has their own difficulties to overcome.
5. Avoid using the word "bully" to describe four or five-year-old children who occasionally or even have many unfriendly behaviors.
6. Teach children to clearly disengage from the situation when they feel they are being taken advantage of.
7. Toddlers are usually very strong and will not be knocked down by an occasional bad game.
Give your children double time, take them or let them play outdoors and explore nature freely. Nature relaxes children and makes them feel good. Real play involves more moving around, more contact with the ground, to be precise. Until we find the right answer, we should do our best to interfere with our children as little as possible and let them discover for themselves how the world works.
She likes it very much to watch Peppa Pig jump in the mud pit, or it is human nature to imitate. Once after it rained, I allowed her to jump in the puddles in the sunken ground in the community. She played in them for more than ten minutes, and her clothes and shoes were all dirty. Then go home and take a shower. During this period, her father had always been very opposed to me doing this, saying that she would definitely go into puddles when she saw them in the future, and puddles were dirty and prone to skin diseases.
Sure enough, from then on, whenever I saw any small puddle when I went out, I would rush into it at a speed that even adults could hardly keep up with. But I think her happiness at that time was incomparable to anything else.
3.
A clinical randomized controlled trial: two groups of infants, one group eats nuts and the other group does not eat nuts. The results were clear: 14% of the babies who did not eat peanuts developed allergies by the time they were 60 months old, while only 1% of the babies who did eat peanuts developed allergies by the same time.
This study shows that precaution can be poison.
It’s ironic that our best intentions are to protect our children, but we may be harming their health.
More often, we should abandon too much noise from the outside world and pay more attention to the hearts of our children. The secret revealed by the fox in "The Little Prince": "Substantial things cannot be seen with the eyes."
Ads for various electronic products and so-called educational toys have swept television and the Internet. , is the most obvious proof of materialism. Compared with middle-class families, children from poor families watch more TV. Not only that, their parents may also feel pressure from the outside world and strive to purchase various electronic products that are helpful for improving their skills. But since it is a commodity, it is profitable, and as a manufacturer, of course, I am happy.
However, technology changes every day, but the laws of children's development remain unchanged.
Some giants in the new field of technological innovation know better than the buyers of their products. Steve Jobs, and many other tech CEOs strictly limit their children's screen time. Better yet, support technologies or other biotechnologies that bring children closer to people they don't often come into contact with.
Simplifying the physical environment is a strategy honed over time to attract children. Active and original, just like all children should be.
The natural environment conveys a sense of care and tranquility. While words like “simplicity” and “authentic” are often synonymous with “rich people’s ideas of physical and mental health,” we can create conditions that allow young children to get the most from their physical environment. But I want to focus on the quality of human interaction rather than the material itself. Highlighting the core of this book, the relationship between us and our children is the most important learning tool.
Listen to your child, keep things simple, and stay in touch with your child, and the bond between you will definitely be strengthened.
4.
Educator Jim Trelease warned us about an attitude that we must be wary of. He proposed that "the first goal of a 4-year-old child is to enjoy the process of being a 4-year-old child; secondly, It’s about preparing for age 5.”
It’s important that every child can grow at their own pace, because not everyone will be able to sequence the human genome or invent an iPhone when they grow up. . While most of us live in obscurity, we can all live meaningful lives filled with emotional connections and good deeds.
And a good childhood can almost guarantee the realization of this goal.
Just like building a sandcastle, you will spend most of the day building walls, building forts, digging moats, and building fences when the tide suddenly comes. The process is long but the children enjoy it.
But now, the store has various sandcastle-shaped models. You only need to put the sand into the model, then pour it out, and biubiubiu, a sandcastle is made. No need to design or think. No work required. There is also the kind of "plastic indoor sand" that allows children to build sandcastles without making a mess, making it easy and clean. But it takes all thought away from the process of building a sandcastle.
The inherent ephemerality of sand castles, in a sense, also makes them more gorgeous. Building and admiring them will make us once again realize the familiar adage: it is the process that matters, not the result. .
Children are important because of their inherent ability to learn at any time and anywhere. Parents and teachers are also important because they still control an early learning environment that transcends all other learning environments: the relationship with the growing child.
In the eyes of children, love and learning are two complementary concepts. If you don't get along with them, how can you show that you love them? No matter how much money you make, it is for living and to provide better things for your children, but material things are not the most important. What is important is the relationship with your growing children. Do you understand them? Do you know what they are thinking? Do they want to play with you?
Even two-year-old Dou Bao would say to her father who had to work overtime on Sunday, "Dad, don't go to work and go out to play with Dou Dou." To be honest, no one of us has ever taught her these words. Don't ignore the true thoughts of children. They are actually more real, sensitive and smart than us.
Know the trade-offs, and you will eventually know what is most important in life. "Giving Children the Best Growth Power" will let you know how to love your children better and give them what they really want.
Bless you and say:
It makes sense that Doubao loves grandma the most. Because grandma plays with her very patiently and rarely gets angry with her. If Doubao was being naughty, grandma would rarely yell at her or forcefully ask her to do what adults wanted immediately. Instead, she would divert her attention or find another method that she could accept. So Beanbao is friendly and cheerful, full of love.
It’s worth learning from Doubao and me, not to just pamper or be helpless in the face of Doubao’s cheating!