Text | Lin Yu
Words | 2905
Don’t like conflicts or quarrels with others, and will deliberately avoid conflicts;
Even if Being with your lover often creates a sense of loneliness and emptiness;
It is difficult to feel a truly close relationship and lacks emotional intimacy;
Conversations mostly focus on "safety" You are unable to talk about your emotions on certain topics, and rarely talk about in-depth topics about emotions, which makes you feel embarrassed or embarrassed;
Have you ever had these feelings?
Perhaps you have also experienced emotional neglect.
As a pioneer in the field of childhood emotional neglect, American writer Jonice Webb has deeply interpreted the subtle "emotional neglect" in her two books "The Neglected Child" and "Out of Childhood Emotional Neglect". ” question, help us find the part of ourselves that has been neglected.
The word "neglect" is familiar to us and can be interpreted as "ignoring, ignoring, ignoring, indifference."
It means "not doing" or "not happening" Because of this, you may "not remember" or even ignore this "invisible power".
There is a good explanation in the book as to why "emotional neglect" has always been ignored. It is hidden in "inaction", not in "action".
It is the blank space in family photos, not the photos themselves; it exists in those "unsaid", "unseen", "unremembered" childhoods, not in the "said" among.
These things that have not happened are equally important as things that have happened, because they all affect your life in a subtle way.
You are invited to answer the following self-check list. Have you ever had the following experiences:
1. Sometimes you feel out of tune with your family and friends
2. Yes Feel proud of not relying on others
3. Don’t like to ask for help from others
4. Friends or family will complain that you are cold and distant
5. You feel that you have not discovered it yet The potential of one’s own life
6. Often wish to be alone
7. Secretly feel that one might be a liar
8. Feel uncomfortable in social situations
9. Often disappointed or angry with yourself
10. Being harsher on yourself than others
11. Comparing yourself with others And feel that you are inferior to others
12. You prefer animals to people
13. Often feel irritable and unhappy for no reason
14. Don’t know My own feelings
15. Can’t distinguish my own strengths and weaknesses
16. Sometimes I feel like a bystander
17. I believe that I am the kind of person who People who tend to live a hermit life
18. It is difficult to calm down
19. You always feel that something is holding you back and preventing you from living in the present
< p> 20. Feeling empty inside21. Faintly feeling that there is something wrong with yourself
22. It is difficult to discipline oneself
Let’s see if you answer “Yes” to the above questions. ” options, it is likely that you have experienced emotional neglect in these areas.
In "The Neglected Child", 12 types of parents are proposed that cause emotional neglect:
Narcissistic, authoritarian, indulgent, divorced and widowed, addicted type, depressive type, workaholic type, caring for injured and sick family members, achievement/perfection-oriented type, anti-social type, children-as-parents type, "it's all for your own good" type.
The first three are the most common.
1. Narcissistic parents
Narcissistic parents never realize that their children are individuals independent of them. On the contrary, they think that their children are just extensions of themselves and therefore cannot Understand or consider their children’s feelings.
When you were a child, were you ever asked by your parents to learn some "specialties" that you were not interested in?
For example, piano, violin, dance, calligraphy...
For this, you are willing to pay not cheap equipment and learning fees,
usually accompanied by a sentence Instructions,
"Study hard, we didn't have the conditions to learn when we were young."
Maybe this is their own regret, maybe this is a bargaining chip that can win them glory. No matter what it is, in this matter, you have become the "tool" to realize it, yourself wishes were ignored.
2. Authoritarian parents
Authoritarian parents are representatives of "old-school parents". Many authoritarian parents tend to equate their children's obedience with love.
A friend of mine said that her parents are like this. Although her family is not a scholarly family, there are many traditional rituals, such as door etiquette, eating etiquette, greeting etiquette, etc. Weird etiquette.
She once raised her own questions, but her parents did not respond positively. However, if she did not follow the rules, she would immediately attract criticism and education from her parents.
In this interactive relationship, what parents have to defend is absolute authority and the unconditional respect of their children.
This type of parent has many demands on their children and does not explain the reasons behind these rules. They only require that their children must obey and not question them.
3. Indulgent parents
Indulgent parents feel that rather than teaching their children to do housework, it is easier to do it themselves.
There is another flaw in indulgent education. Children do not get enough feedback from their parents.
This type of parent is exactly the opposite of the authoritarian type. Permissive parents respect their children's wishes in every aspect, do not make too many demands, and just want their children to be "happy".
It seems that this is the most ideal parent in the eyes of the child, and there will never be any conflict. He won't ask you to do housework, won't criticize you, and even help you make excuses when you get into trouble.
So why does this state also cause emotional neglect?
The reason is that you don’t get enough feedback from your parents.
Relationship is like a mirror. Everything we do is verified by the feedback of others, good or bad, right or wrong, moral or immoral.
Without feedback, it means that we don’t know whether we are doing it correctly, and we can’t even identify what we are good at and what our weaknesses are. This kind of neglect makes us lack the ability to self-understand.
Of course, it is worth saying here that no one’s childhood is perfect, and no one can be a perfect parent. Many parents who wholeheartedly care about their children will also let their children experience fundamental problems. Emotional neglect, simply because they experienced it as a child.
If you get used to being ignored, you become a little transparent among the crowd. However, it is not your fault that you were emotionally neglected while growing up.
If you become aware of neglected emotions from now on, this is the best place to start for change.
We can never give others what we don’t have. If we want to establish an intimate relationship with others, we must first give ourselves enough care.
1. "Learn to say no"
There is no doubt that the reason why we have become little transparent among the crowd is because we always focus on others and treat others badly. Others respond to their needs, but ignore themselves.
From now on, learn to say no. You must know that when you say "no", your next words will be more valuable to listen to. This is the beginning of building a relationship.
Key words, say "no", "confident and peaceful".
2. "Ask for help"
If you are a person who has experienced emotional neglect, then you are very resistant to relying on others, which means that you may hardly ask for help. Others ask for help.
"Don't ask others for help", "Don't ask others for anything", "Don't ask others for what you can do", similar rhetoric seems to have become your motto.
But you also find that sometimes, the more troublesome the relationship, the better. Relationships are built through mutual help, so put away your guilt and uneasiness and boldly seek help.
3. "Discover your likes and dislikes"
Do you eat with others and never order? When people ask you what you want to eat, you always say "whatever"?
Do you always say "anything is fine" when someone asks you what sports or movies you like when you go out together?
As time goes by, others will no longer ask, because they think that you "can do anything", and this is how you become a little transparent step by step.
You teach others how to treat you.
If you habitually ignore yourself, they will follow your example and ignore you.
Don’t believe it? Then ask yourself these questions:
What is your favorite food?
What is your favorite sport to play?
What kind of movies do you like best?
What kind of books do you like to read?
What is your least favorite chore?
What is your least favorite activity?
There are many similar questions, such as color, food, place, style, etc. You can spend more time exploring the answers. This is the gateway to your inner world.
4. “Prioritize your own enjoyment”
Do you think this is selfish hedonism? In fact, it is not.
If you have experienced emotional neglect, according to your habitual thinking, you have been almost trained to put your own needs and desires aside and give priority to satisfying the wishes of others. It is really difficult for you to be selfish. .
Therefore, for you to focus on "prioritizing your own enjoyment" is to play a balancing role.
Don’t just think about pleasing others, please yourself first.
Childhood experience is like a manuscript. Every move we make when we grow up can see the shadow of childhood, and every modification, addition, deletion, and iteration you make can make the manuscript more perfect. .
If your emotions have been ignored by a significant other, it’s not your fault!
If you couldn't tell your parents when you were a child that you didn't like piano but liked tennis, then live a life for yourself now!
『Extended Reading』
"The Neglected Child"
"Escape from Childhood Emotional Neglect"
[American] Jonis ·Written by Web
Machinery Industry Press | Huazhang Psychology
I am Lin Yu. I hope this article will be helpful to you!
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