Cao Xiaohui Cao Xiaoqing
(330029 Department of Foreign Languages, Blue Sky University; 200083 Shanghai Youth Management Cadre College)
China Library Classification Number: G78 Document Identification Number: A Document Number: 1008-9470(2007)07-
Abstract: With the rapid development of the global economy and the widespread popularity of the Internet, teenagers often accept some new things and new ideas faster than their parents, which brings the influence of different values between parents and children. The resulting "generation gap" will affect the normal emotional communication between two generations. How to eliminate this generation gap requires the joint efforts of two generations. Parents and children should respect each other, communicate with each other and understand each other, and should put themselves in others' shoes more, so as to make the future road more open and smooth.
Keywords: parent-child relationship generation gap communication family education understanding
The generation gap is simply the psychological distance between people of different ages due to the gap of ideas. It is like a ravine, which affects the understanding and communication between parents and children. The generation gap in parent-child relationship is the trace left by fleeting time and the mark left by social upheaval. It is natural that there is a generation gap between two generations, but it is unnatural that there is no generation gap. However, after all, the generation gap is a difficult point that puzzles parent-child communication, and it is easy to increase the possibility of prejudice and discrimination. There is a generation gap in modern families. If parents lack proper communication with their children during their growth, the generation gap may lead to disharmony between parents and children. They don't understand each other, but they are hostile. Therefore, in order to build a harmonious parent-child relationship, it is necessary to connect the psychological connections broken between generations through communication and other means, so as to achieve smooth communication and harmonious coexistence.
In real family life, there are several models of parent-child relationship that easily lead to the generation gap between parents and children and seriously undermine the harmonious communication between parents and children: the first is control. In this parent-child relationship, parents have a stubborn view: the child is mine and I have the right to treat the child at will. In fact, this idea is wrong, and children are regarded as their own private property. Such parents often impose their own values on their children, restrain their children according to traditional family rules, and do not respect their independent personality and free choice. Therefore, communication is often not problem-centered, but "I"-centered. Even if the child has reached the age of 18 and has held an adult ceremony, he is still not sensible in the eyes of his parents and still needs to abide by all their opinions. These parents don't allow their children to express their opinions and keep their privacy. They ignore children's age and psychological characteristics, as well as their growing demand for independent and free development.
The second type is the expected type. "Looking forward to the child's success, looking forward to the daughter's success" is the general requirement of such parents for their children. Parents often pass on their unrealized life ideals to their children, and let the tender shoulders bear the honor and disgrace of the whole family. Perhaps our parents were born in the era of gunfire, studied in the turbulent revolutionary era, and lost their jobs in the era of reform and opening up. Their lives are full of hardships and setbacks, full of pain and annoyance. So parents who want to be pianists urge their children to sit in front of the piano and meditate in tears, so parents who want to be calligraphers guide their children to study Tang Wei stickers every day, and they are exhausted ... Such parents never ask their children what they need most and understand what they can do, but they just try their best to use their children to meet their distorted wishes and requirements. Under such overwhelming education, many children are not only unable to develop their special skills, but also frustrated physically and mentally. The result is often not worth the loss, or even counterproductive.
The third type is strict. This kind of parents do not pay attention to their children's hobbies and sustainable development. Their communication with children is more violent, and the purpose is to control children more strictly. CCTV had a public discussion on whether parents should spank their children. Almost all the parents present admitted that they had beaten their children at home, including those with higher education. This is the traditional "magic weapon" for godchildren, and it adheres to the principles of "a dutiful son is born with a stick" and "he who does not fight will not be able to destroy the weapon". In fact, parents abuse their children by violent means, which seriously interferes with their independent growth. As a result, the children were not only hurt physically, but also suffered serious trauma mentally. The resulting fear, rebellion and revenge will have a great negative impact on their future growth. This is very worrying.
The fourth is doting. This kind of parents regard their children as "little emperors" and "little princesses", and take extra care and overprotect them to meet their various requirements to the maximum extent. Even there are contradictions between children and classmates, so parents strive to support their children. This kind of parents may attach great importance to their children's education, read a lot of "teaching books" and know the people-oriented scientific teaching methods, but in specific guidance, they often return to the bad methods of doting on their children. In the communication with children, blindly accommodate and please to meet the unreasonable and improper requirements of children. Ignoring the responsibility of parents' education and guidance. The correct way to care for children should be to love them as an independent person who can bear their own responsibilities, instead of just providing rich material comforts and blindly satisfying their unhealthy psychological and spiritual needs.
The above-mentioned parent-child relationship models are unhealthy, and it is easy to cause parent-child communication problems and generation gap problems. In the second and fourth modes, the seemingly harmonious parent-child relationship actually hides a serious parent-child crisis. The deeper you love, the more you hate. The greater the hope, the greater the disappointment. Once the child's physical and mental growth is frustrated or goes astray. Contradictions and conflicts between parents and children and a serious generation gap will be inevitable. The first and third modes will directly lead to the confrontation and generation gap between parents and children, and even lead to tragedy. Take the controlled parent-child relationship as an example. In this mode, there is not enough communication between parents and children, and there is a film between them. After a long time, the film became thicker and thicker. Some parents like to peek at their children's diaries and rummage through their things when their children are not at home. In the eyes of parents, this is to better understand the child's situation and let the child grow up better. In fact, this view is wrong When children discover their parents' voyeurism, they will take some measures to protect themselves. They will lock or hide their diaries, or even close their inner world, so that their parents can't guess and it will be more difficult to understand in the future. I once read a report that after a high school girl moved, her parents gave her the key to a new desk, and she locked all her secrets in the desk. But one day she found that her diary was missing. Just as she was anxious to look everywhere, her mother came in and dropped it on the table. She couldn't believe that her parents had read her diary. High school girls were very sad and finally jumped out of the window with tears in their eyes, thus ending their young life. We believe that if we want to really understand children, we should communicate with them often. This is the right way. It is not difficult to find that a newborn baby will have different reactions when different people hold him. In most cases, it depends on whether there is good communication between the person holding him and the baby. Every baby needs to communicate and is eager to communicate, not to mention those boys and girls who are in the rebellious period of youth? They have their own ideas, why don't they need to communicate with others?
To solve the generation gap between parents and children and form a harmonious and interactive parent-child relationship, only equal dialogue and smooth communication can achieve the goal. Equal dialogue and smooth communication can make the distance between hearts the closest in the world. As adults, parents should undoubtedly shoulder the main responsibility of bridging the generation gap, forming a democratic, equal and healthy parent-child relationship, maintaining equal dialogue and smooth communication between parents and children.
First of all, we should treat children as independent living beings. Psychologist Maslow once said: "People have the needs of survival, respect, self-development and self-realization." . Respect is essentially the infinite concern of the heart for children, which truly meets the psychological needs of children. Because only by respecting children and parents to enter their inner world can parents and children communicate happily, and children who get enough respect and trust from their parents will find more potential. Ma Changlianke, a famous educator in the former Soviet Union, once said: "We should ask a person as much as possible and respect a person as much as possible. Respecting children's personality is the basic principle of good communication with children. "
Secondly, parents should communicate with their children in a democratic and equal way and learn to appreciate their children. Only when parents understand their children in a democratic and equal manner and know what their children are thinking and willing to do can they find an effective way to communicate with their children. Only when parents take the initiative to become friends that children can trust can children truly accept their parents and respect their opinions and suggestions. The process of respecting children's thoughts and wishes and guiding children is the process of discovering and understanding children. Children will gradually form their own unique outlook on life and society in the process of growing up. At the same time, we should pay attention to respecting and understanding children and creating space for them, so as to liberate their imagination and creativity. Nowadays, parents are very busy at work, but no matter how busy they are, they should try to find time to communicate with their children every day. When communicating with children, parents should be patient, be a cultivated listener, learn to identify and share, take the initiative to discover the advantages of children and praise them from the heart.
Furthermore, parents should establish the concept of lifelong learning, constantly change themselves and improve themselves. People are social people, and the children's world keeps pace with the times. As parents, it is particularly important for them to cross the generation gap, communicate smoothly with their children and build a harmonious parent-child relationship. Only by establishing the concept of lifelong learning and keeping pace with the times in the level of understanding of new things and the concept of family education can parents truly respect their children, listen to their true voices, appreciate their children, effectively improve the bad parent-child relationship model and family education methods, affirm their children's achievements in time, and encourage them to make persistent efforts to win at a higher level; When children encounter setbacks and failures, try to help them find out the reasons, solve problems with them, and grow and progress together.
Crossing the generation gap, solving the generation gap and building a harmonious parent-child relationship require lasting mutual care, understanding and cooperation between parents and children. This is both an art and a science. It takes sincere feelings and scientific and reasonable methods to get the expected results. Only by learning equal and sincere communication and loving life can we cross the generation gap and establish a harmonious parent-child relationship.
References:
[1] Margaret? Miller: Generation Gap [M] Beijing Daily Publishing House. 1988: 6.
[2] Deng Xiquan: "The social positive role of the generation gap" [J] China Youth Research.2003:1.
[3] Yang Xiong and others: "Social Transformation and Youth Development" [M] Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences Press.2004:166.
(Editor: Zhao Wen)