1.
The thing is, Xu went to a colleague's wedding banquet lightly and drank a little too much. In her hazy eyes, she saw the bride and groom embracing each other happily in the light and shadow, surrounded by romantic flowers and people who applauded and shouted warmly. Her eyes gradually became foggy, and an impulse and desire suddenly emerged in her heart. This passion lasted for a long time after she took a taxi home. So, holding the bride's bouquet, she staggered to meet her boyfriend Zhou Xi who came into the room, knelt down on one knee, raised her face and said, "Zhou Xi, will you marry me?"
As soon as Zhou Xi got home, he was confronted with such a big battle, which was overwhelming for an instant. He gently looked at Xu in front of him, his face was red, his eyes were blurred, and the lipstick around his mouth was naughty, which was her unique state after drinking too much, relaxed and unscrupulous. He loved her state so much that he stepped forward to help her: "Silly goose, what is this?"
"Do you like it or not? Seeing people get married tonight is really happy and touching! " Xu is a little delicate. It is rare for her to be in such a soft state, thanks to the wine.
"Yes, you let me pick the moon at this time, I am willing to ..." Xu was very helpless, and she took her to the bedroom while echoing. ......
When I woke up the next day, Xu sat up gently with a headache, took the cold white tea on the bedside table, took a few sips first, then rubbed his temples for a few minutes to wake up, dozed off, and then turned to look at the one beside him. Thick hair, rough eyebrows, oval face smaller than her, crisp stubble. Is this his life? Will this man really become her husband? She's a little uncertain. Fortunately, in the next second, Zhou Xi opened his eyes, then leaned down and supported his head with his elbow. He looked at Xu, who had been staring at his face, and teased: "Hey? Staring at her husband with sly eyes early in the morning? " He deliberately bit the word "husband" very hard.
"Hey ~ ~ ~ Let's go, fuck you." Xu doesn't adapt to the word "husband" gently, and he feels a tingle all over. He picked up the pillow and hit the quilt on Zhou Xi. ...
That's how they get along. They fight like two playmates. It's fun to talk to each other.
"When I was excited last night, I called my mother and said we were getting married. My mother was very happy and said that she would accompany you to choose a wedding dress. He also said that after marriage, you can quit your job and stay at home as a full-time wife. Anyway, our family is not bad for the money you earn. " Grasp Xu's gentle shoulder and learn from Stephen Chow's words, "I will raise you in the future!"
Xu gently felt a huge pressure on her future mother-in-law, who is stronger than her mother and still uncompromising.
"Ah, your mother will accompany me to choose a wedding dress? Forget it. We can go now. " Xu protested gently.
"My mother means well, but if you don't like it, I won't let her come." Zhou Xi chimed in.
But on the day of trying on the wedding dress, his mother came quietly. Just as Xu dressed up gently and opened the curtain to show off how beautiful it was, the face behind the curtain became his mother, smiling easygoing and deliberately. Xu made a light greeting in embarrassment and winked at his mother's back to ask why he came again. Zhou Xi shrugged his shoulders, with a flattering and helpless face.
Xu gently likes to try this one on her, shoulder and back, which can make her neck slender and slender, and her chest is slightly V-shaped, which is not too much and not too conservative. Embroidered a magnolia flower at the waist, elegant and refined, with a big skirt, the length is just right. The most amazing thing is that the whole wedding dress is dotted. Xu can easily imagine what it will be like a wedding scene under the starry lights. Xu Wenrou likes perfection.
"Hey, what a beauty ~ But, yes ... isn't it a little too exposed? Ok ... try this, try this again ... it's always right to try more. " Zhou Xi's mother looked around, and then went to the shelf to choose a style that she thought was more suitable for her.
Xu waved his hand gently and whispered to him, "I like this one, that's all." You tell your mother not to let her ... "At the moment when her mother's eyes floated, Xu gently put on a smiling face and stopped talking.
Zhou Xi went over to his mother and said, "Mom, I like the relaxed one, so I want that one."
"Oh, what do you know about this wedding dress? You have to try more. " As he spoke, he handed one to Xu and let her taste it gently.
Xu has no choice but to have a try. His mother tried it, and finally chose one. Lace yarn with three-quarter sleeves and looming shoulders can't be said to be ugly, but it's not her favorite.
On the other hand, mother Zhou praised "nice ~" and turned to the clerk and said, "I'll take this one!"
Xu was so anxious that he stared straight. After getting dressed, Zhou Xi finally said to her mother for a long time: "Mom, we are married, not you. We like that. "
"Well, it's up to you." Mother Zhou said as she pushed them out of the door.
But the next day, the wedding dress was the one chosen by Zhou's mother. After a gentle look, Xu angrily threw it on the ground, feeling like her time before high school.
2.
Xu was born in a small county, and his parents are teachers. Her family is not rich or expensive, but it can also be said to be a scholarly family. People in small places are always full of respect for learned people, what's more, every family has a difficult experience, and they always have to read, write and learn knowledge under the guidance of teachers. Therefore, our family also has its own position in the local area, which has created Xu's indomitable character. Mother Xu attaches great importance to her children's education. In a big province where the college entrance examination is one thousand times worse, this road has been fiercely competitive. She wants her children to have a more stable future.
In his mother's daily life, Xu has a "sensible" beyond his peers since he was a child. Of course, this understanding is mainly reflected in her study. Xu goes to school early, and junior high school has always been the youngest in his class. She always sits straight in class, staring at the blackboard, and is always the first to finish her homework after school. She doesn't like talking, doesn't know how to socialize, and has sensitivity, timidity and inferiority in her heart. There is loneliness. Occasionally, she will unconsciously stare at the birds in the trees outside the window, watch them clean their feathers, watch them whisper, and then fly into the sky with a cry. Occasionally, she will look at her classmates who are laughing and slapping in class, and her eyes are full of envy, but when she returns to her senses, she plunges into the textbook again.
Day after day, she learned to live in peace with loneliness and practiced the "correct" mission entrusted to her by her mother. Although she is sometimes bullied, she spends her time in key classes of key schools arranged by her parents. She didn't live up to her mother's expectations, and her study has always been one of the best.
But she felt that her mother would never be satisfied. When she jumped home from the first test paper in the primary school exam, her mother looked at the test paper and said, "Do you think that math problem you made wrong is wrong? Is it sloppy? Have a good check next time. If the college entrance examination answers the wrong question because of carelessness, you know the consequences. " If she gets full marks in the math exam, her mother will say, "Don't be proud because she did well in this exam. Go preview the next lesson. " In a word, from primary school, the word "college entrance examination" was forcibly injected into her blood by her mother, and learning was the whole of her life. Of course, her mother has never wronged her in food, clothing, housing and transportation, but all her efforts have never won her a smile. She never remembers her mother hugging her or praising her. And her father, in Xu's faint memory, was always busy preparing lessons, writing lesson plans and correcting homework. In her memory, her father always hid in the study. Xu gently saw her back from the door, and the light hit him, vague and far away.
3.
Rebellion will be late, but never absent. When Xu blushed slightly and secretly read the love letters written by male students in high school, when she saw the atmosphere in the class change quietly, she realized that there was another world. The world looks so happy, disorderly, flying and unscrupulous, attracting her like a magnet, but she wants to get close but dares not. She is afraid of puppy love, skipping classes, going to Internet cafes and letting her hair hang down like those girls at the back of the classroom. She saw something called "youth" in their unscrupulous laughter, but she didn't. In her youth, there are only endless homework, endless math problems, endless English words and endless nightmares. She often dreams of her mother standing in the backlight and looking at her disappointed and angry eyes after she got a zero in the math exam, and the scene of her hiding in the shadow of the room and crying helplessly and silently, although this scene has never happened.
Before 16 years old, Xu Qingqing had been on a difficult and correct road, except for studying. /kloc-after 0/6 years old, she finally jumped up and saw the complicated world outside through the windowsill. Busy alleys and endless night sky are full of laughter, warmth and slapstick. Consciously, compulsively and verbally; Calculation, depravity, evil. Bright and complicated colors sparkled in her eyes, and dark and exciting snooping impacted her heart. It seems that she was eager to go ashore after seeing the fish on earth, that is, she missed the safety and peace of mind in the water and looked forward to the infinite scenery on the shore. So, without her parents' knowledge, her thoughts gradually germinated and she longed to grow up, and then she bared her fangs and struggled with the world.
For the first time, Xu gently started a dialogue with his heart and asked himself what he wanted. Of course, she has no answer. She is not used to talking to herself. She is still immersed in the thoughts instilled in her by her parents. Besides, the countdown to the college entrance examination has been put on the agenda, and she can't be half-hearted. Brushing questions, monthly exams, and classes are shrouded in continuous low pressure. She tried her best to calm her inner turmoil and complete the final sprint of this decade. Of course, she applied for the major recommended by her parents and went to the most stable and smooth life path set by her parents.
Wait, wait, wait. Why should we take it for granted instead of taking it for granted?
Because Xiao Xu has no choice, her inner fangs are getting stronger every day. Let's go back to the day when she entered the exam. At the suggestion of her parents that she should enter the normal university of this province and work as a teacher directly in the provincial capital city after graduation, she weakly expressed her opposition for the first time. In the consternation of her parents, she gently and firmly chose the design major of a city far from home.
With parents' incomprehension, quarrel, scolding and nostalgia, Xu left the sky of his hometown gently by train for the first time. She felt that the air was full of freedom. She finally began to soar like a bird she saw through the glass when she was a child. In the roar of the train, she had a good sleep for the first time. There is no vacant and melancholy in her heart when she leaves home, only her curiosity about the unknown and her yearning for college life.
4.
This is Xu's first gentle resistance. After a small attempt, she was ecstatic because she had mastered her life. But now, is everything back to the past?
Xu's mind is uncertain. Is it because of a wedding dress that he is going to break off his marriage? Xu gently lay on the bed, tossing and turning. And the table next to me, snoring like thunder, seems so abrupt and contradictory in the anxious and quiet night.
In fact, knowing Zhou Xi is not a romantic encounter, but an artificial match. At the sensitive moment when she was one year away from her 30-year-old, when her parents saw that she had not had a stable and decent boyfriend for a long time, she finally couldn't sit still, forcing her relatives to find that colleague and exhaust all social connections to make a blind date for her. They met on a blind date. His parents were satisfied with his family background, and he was also satisfied with her height and appearance, so they started dating in a neutral way.
At that time, Xu was in an anxious and contradictory state of mind. Four years have passed since college. After failing in the postgraduate entrance examination, she plunged into the melting pot of society with a little professional knowledge, a little makeup artist, a little faith and enthusiasm. Only at that time, she did not expect that this process would be so slow and painful.
In the first few years, she also had a comfortable time, but then somehow, the world seemed to become anxious and impetuous in an instant, and she was forced to get involved in this torrent. The demolition of villages in the city led to a sharp rise in rents, and the "996" system began to prevail, and "involution" became the norm. Groups of young people kept coming in, and she was pushed on the beach like a wave. Party A's ignorance and picky, the boss's abnormal condition and oppression, when she came home after working overtime again until the early hours of the morning, she suddenly found the looming fine lines in her eyes and suddenly realized that she was going to be 30 years old soon. In this huge city, without her brick and tile, her career makes her breathless. Lovers still don't know where to play hide-and-seek with her. How long will it take to get the life she wants? For the first time, she doubted her choice. Would it have been easier if she had listened to her parents' arrangement and chosen to be a teacher? However, she can't and doesn't want to mention this inner hesitation to her family. She can only try to reduce the frequency of going home to avoid the life of her derailed mother. She didn't want to face it, and she didn't dare to admit it, but when she saw those women in their thirties in the Weibo dating corner, they were labeled as "older leftover women", arranged, teased and compared, she was even more fidgety. This society is always telling her that a woman without a family will fail anyway. It is in such a state of age anxiety and inner hesitation that she accepted the arrangement of her parents and got to know Zhou Xi.
Zhou Xi deserves her, which is not too much, except that he is standing next to her 1 m 76, which is slightly insufficient. He has the ability to make money far beyond her family background. He has a refreshing appearance, a gentle and steady temper, loves cleanliness, is not stingy, knows housework and is fun. However, even in the initial love period, they just eat, drink and have fun like playmates. Xu always feels like a child and doesn't understand her. He doesn't understand the illusory romance of her love. When she saw an amazing poem sent to him, he would only say, awesome; When she shares the blue sky and white clouds, the moon hanging on the willow tree and the bright stars with him, he will only give her an expression pack with his thumb. He doesn't understand the implication between the lines, nor does he understand her insincerity and duplicity. He is simple and straightforward, and she is complicated and introverted.
But if she says she has no feelings for him, she may not believe it herself. She likes his simplicity and straightforwardness, so don't bother to guess. I like his clean stubble face, fresh and white; I like the way he looks at her, gentle and affectionate; Like his laughter and concern, interesting and warm; I like his stealing kiss after waking up in the morning, sweet and warm; I like eating, drinking and having fun with him, carefree. But she also hates his retreat after every contradiction, his jokes when he wants to communicate with him well, and his gentleness and disobedience to everyone. Xiao Xu's true self was actually angry, but they never had a good fight. Every time she accumulates anger, it is like beating a ball of cotton, soft, unfocused and very tired.
In fact, the young ladies around Xu who got married gently praised Zhou's meal. They said, "You are so melodramatic, you don't know how difficult it is to find a man with emotional stability." "Then get married quickly, no matter how big you are, you can't find such a family background." "If you are alive, that's it. Who will really find a person who loves you to toss the marriage? " "Yes, old can't do sth over and over again. ......
Only her best friend said to her, "What do you want? Be loyal to your heart, or you will fight forever. "
What do you want? What kind of life do you want? She doesn't know. From an early age, it was a life arranged by her parents, and later it was a life in which she gritted her teeth against her parents. Later, she seems to have been drifting with the tide, and gradually she seems to be submerged in this long river of time. The eyes around her looked at her, and the words devoured her, and she unconsciously felt afraid and anxious. She tried to walk along the river, but she couldn't catch it. She doesn't look right anyway. People of the same age are married and have children, buy cars and houses, and live a thriving life. Why can't I go to her? She seems to be trapped here, unable to live in peace with herself, her family and the world.
But she knows what she doesn't want. She doesn't want to live a life of bondage and control. She doesn't want to live in the expectation of others. She doesn't want the meaning of her life to be just marriage, husband, children and eating, drinking and sleeping. There must be something else worthy of her lifelong pursuit, but she hasn't found it yet. She will be thirty soon. As the saying goes, standing at thirty has nothing but to support herself. Is it lucky? Or misfortune?
5.
Xu gently remembered his life alone when he just graduated. It was the happiest time.
At that time, she was full of enthusiasm for her work and expectations for a new life. Just entered the workplace, although the salary is low, but the work is easy. She rented a house with four bedrooms and one living room in a community two kilometers away from the company, which was expensive. However, she likes the whole wall of the living room with large French windows. As soon as the door is opened, the view is wide and bright. Looking down from the floor-to-ceiling window on the 22nd floor, there is a misty swimming pool in the community, with palm trees and wooden pavilions beside it. The water in the pool reflects the blue sky like a painting. You can watch the rising sun in the living room in the morning and watch the sunset through the kitchen window at night. On the floating window of her own cabin, there is her whole world. She spread a carpet on the bay window, with a pillow and a small table on it. The flowerpot on the table is full of vibrant chlorophytum and green radish, and there is a thick stack of books in the corner of the carpet. Every evening after work, she wears headphones and walks home at a brisk pace.
That summer, Xu looked at sunset and sunset gently, blowing wisps of breeze, and the time was long and slow. Every time she comes home, she can feel endless carefree from the bottom of her heart. The whole space here belongs to her. She sometimes lies quietly listening to music; Sometimes I sit on the bay window and look at the distant lights through the glass; Sometimes holding a bottle of wine to drink a little, let the faint thoughts wander at the destination; Sometimes chat with friends on the phone and watch videos; Sometimes I clean my room and take care of flowers and plants. Of course, most of the time, she leans against the bay window, reading one book after another, Mao Mu's Moon and Blade, frankl's life, Mai's life, the courage to be hated, Mitchell's Gone with the Wind, Wu Zhihong's Psychology, and a shepherd boy's fantasy journey ... They are all saying that you will always have the ability to choose your own life, but they are not talking. She dismantled the writer's world and realized her own life.
The fangs in her heart have grown up, but she deliberately suppressed them. She still wants to live a correct life that everyone is living, not out of line, not having an accident, getting married before the age of 30, and then having children, and spare no effort for the family for the rest of her life. She did her best. She proposed, and both parents knew that she was getting married. However, how could she suddenly be uncertain?
Looking at the side, watching him fall asleep, Xu smiled gently. Zhou Xi can't see her absent-minded these two days, nor can she see her trance these two days. Xu gently feels that he is really happy, but if I break his happiness, is it too cruel?
6.
The sun rose again in the morning, so Xu woke up early and went to the kitchen to make coffee. When he saw it drifting, he casually said early.
After Zhou Xi floated past, he suddenly came back with a swish, patted him on the shoulder and screamed, "Oh, gently, look at your panda eye. Did you play behind my back again last night? We agreed to watch it together. "
Xu was speechless for a moment and replied weakly, "Go away, go away, who is behind it?"
"Anyway, don't read it yourself, we will be together at night," Zhou Xi said and ran to the toilet.
Xu looked at the back tenderly and secretly chuckled: This silly child is really not growing up. But she turned to jealousy again. She envied Zhou Xi's indifference to everything and his carefree life under the control of his parents. Since 16 years old, she wanted to live a free and easy life under her control. But I can't be with Zhou Xi. She is no longer an unconscious porcelain doll. She has forced herself to understand and build a solid view of herself. How can I act according to my mother-in-law's instructions, regard my husband's responsibility as my own, and regard the eyes of people around me as my code of conduct? Didn't she lead a chaotic life before she 16 years old? Moreover, Xu gently began to realize the most critical problem, she may not be so loving. Zhou Xi will put her favorite book on the corner of the table and spray her favorite perfume on the toilet. He never really understood and cherished Xiao Xu's love. She and he can only be playmates, he can't be her bosom friend and can't rely on her when she is tired.
The coffee in the coffee cup has long been cold, and Xu's gentle heart has gradually cooled down.
7.
In the evening, Xu pulled gently and sat solemnly on the sofa. Zhou Xi thought he was going to start the drama, and even the potato chips were ready. However, Xu said softly, "I don't want to get married." She did not hesitate, did not be tactful, and stared at Zhou Xi's eyes firmly, without letting him flinch at all.
Zhou Xi was a little puzzled at the moment. He stared at Xu's gentle eyes as if to see through her soul, but her eyes were completely hidden in the shadow of eyelashes, which he could not understand.
A feeling of despair gradually rose on his face: "Why? Gently, what did I do wrong? "
Hearing this sentence, Xu's eyes were filled with sadness that could not be dissolved. She looked at the injured man in front of her eyes, and her heart was in tears, but she had to end this relationship in the most direct way. Being coy and indecisive will only make it more difficult for him to let go in the later days: "No, you have been really good. However, I may not love enough. "
Hearing this, Zhou Xi began to cry: "Gently ... I don't want to break up ... shall we not break up? If you think my mother ... my mother is ... too difficult to get along with, you'd better talk less. Why on earth are you? I don't want to break up ... "Zhou Xi felt his whole heart ache. He held a gentle hand and begged her repeatedly in a trembling voice.
Xu gently let him vent. She looked at him with a kind and cruel look. She was heartbroken for him and sorry for herself, but she didn't hesitate. On the contrary, she became more determined: "Zhou Xi, don't do this ... it's none of your mother's business. We have problems. Don't you realize that? There is always a layer of things between us ... "
For a long time, she waited for Zhou Xi's crying to fade away and said to Zhou Xi, "This is really just my problem, it's my fault. You will find a more suitable girl in the future. "
Xu spoke softly, packed his things, looked back at dull and said, "I'm leaving. Goodbye. " He closed the door quietly and didn't look back.
She doesn't know where she's going, maybe it's the quietest paradise, maybe it's the most noisy crowd in the downtown area, no matter where she goes, it's always the place she wants to go. The road ahead is vast, and there is no doubt about East and West. Xu sighed lightly and breathed the free air again. She seems to have had a long dream, in which there were joy, sadness, regret and disappointment, but when she woke up, everything was in the past.
It occurred to her to call her mother first. They may be puzzled or blamed, but they can rest assured that their daughter has really grown up. Maybe she still needs time to forget the weekly banquet, experience to make her heart strong, thinking about the way she came and the way home, and courage to get rid of the noise of people around her, but Xu gently feels that she is ready to accept everything.
"I will be responsible for my choice." She said the last words to her mother.
Mother's long sigh came from the other end of the phone, and then she heard the most anticipated sentence in 30 years: "Well, maybe you really grew up. Go home for dinner tomorrow and make your favorite stewed vermicelli with cabbage and pork ... "
Xu finally couldn't help crying with her in the street. ......
(End, thanks for reading)