I wrote a poem-please give me your opinion and correct me.

The poem is well written at the beginning, but in the second half, it feels unsustainable. The purpose of this poem is to express one's feelings through natural scenery. Point out the theme, concise and lively, and use appropriate words, which is quite good for me personally. The word "long" in the second sentence is completely appropriate, meaning "long affection and deep friendship", which shows that it is old friendship. I haven't seen you for years. There are several poems to write about, and there are two couplets in the middle. One of the usual arrangements is to write about scenery and feelings together, both external and internal. In the manuscript, from the second couplet, the writing style is somewhat similar to prose, from "saying about" to "revealing meaning". It's not that simple drawing and straightforward writing can't be used in poetry, but that it needs to be distinguished when used there. In addition, the connection between the second and the third is a bit vague; The division of labor is not clear. This is the time to "plan the article". Because I haven't considered it in detail, I feel a bit like writing it casually. My personal opinion is that we can take scenery as our sustenance, use geographical scenery to show the situation of being separated from friends, and use the attitude of natural creatures to show people's feelings. We can slightly modify the manuscript for reference: rivers and mountains have different scenery, but the vegetation is the same. Although we are in a different place, as different as vegetation, we have the same mind. It is sincere (it is the expansion of the first part of the couplet, which is expressed by comparison. ) Both couplets use antithesis. Although antithesis is a constraint, it can actually help rhetoric and make writing easier, so it is not necessarily an obstacle. The end of a poem is the summary of the whole poem. There are many ways to end this poem in a lyrical way, which can enhance the appeal of this poem and make readers feel full of meaning. You can also describe the ending (scenery, people, things can be). The basic brushwork is to combine feelings with scenery, not to say it, which makes people feel full of charm. You can also set questions, collect articles, be open-ended, and take no collection as the collection, leaving a lot of associative space for the viewer. Or create a variety of epigrams, or a clear sentence; Or a philosophical sentence; Or save a sum of money from god; Or subtle and profound. For example, Li Bai's "Listening to the Shu Monk Playing the Piano" concludes: "I don't feel the dusk of Shu Mountain, and the cloudy autumn piles up the sky." This is a long sentence with profound meaning. In addition, Su Shi's "Title of Xilin Wall" concludes: "I don't know the true face of Lushan Mountain, but toward which corner of the mountain." This is a philosophical statement. In the conclusion of the manuscript, the wording seems to be too exposed, losing its charm and feeling a little thick and thin. And some meanings are repeated with the first couplet, which feels a bit cumbersome. I have conceived a conclusion for your reference: ruthless landscape, affectionate pen, a little spirit, an armchair strategist. On the whole, the effect of this attempt is good. Although there is a lot of room for improvement, there is progress if there are shortcomings, and fun if there are challenges. The face of the whole poem after revision: after many years, from west to east, several poems are rewarded with good feelings. The scenery of rivers and mountains is different and the vegetation is numerous and sparse. What is the intention of the matter? It is sincere to think too much. Ruthless landscape has a sentimental pen, and a little light comes from the paper. It is very important to write an eight-sentence rhyme, that is, to make a clear idea first, then define the division of labor of each couplet, choose the ways and means of expression, choose the form of opening sentences and connecting articles, choose words carefully when writing, and consider adopting those rhetorical devices (such as truth, metaphor, pun) and so on. Try more and refer to the poems of predecessors, which is the only way to progress. Keep trying.

Reference: personal point of view

Obviously, you haven't formally learned the rhythm of writing poetry. Let alone the artistic conception of the whole poem. There are many mistakes in the meter. If you want to change it, you basically have to rewrite it. The first is leveling. There is no problem with the rhyme of your poem, it belongs to rhyme (that is, the second word in the first sentence is rhyme, and the first sentence rhymes). We should write seven-character ancient poems and remember the principle of distinguishing between 135 and 246. In other words, the first, third and fifth words can be flat, but the second, fourth and sixth words cannot be wrong. Take the first sentence as an example: the second, fourth and sixth words should be flat, flat and flat; And now you are flat, flat, flat, and there is already a problem. So it is legal to change western characters into vowels. The first sentence corresponds to the second sentence, that is, the words two, four and six in the first sentence should be the antonyms of the words two, four and six in the second sentence. As far as poetry is concerned, the second sentence is basically correct, even. So the first sentence should be changed. The third sentence and the fourth sentence, the fifth sentence and the sixth sentence, the seventh sentence and the eighth sentence are all the same, and the words two, four and six should be opposite, and so on. As for the second and third sentences, the fourth and fifth sentences, and the sixth and seventh sentences, there should be an adhesive relationship, that is, the two characters, four characters and six characters of these two sentences should be the same. In this way, the whole poem is harmonious, not just rhyming. Look at your second and third sentences. The second, fourth and sixth words in the second sentence are flat, flat and flat, and so should the third sentence, but your third sentence is flat, flat and flat, which is all wet. Sorry, I'm very strict. Your duality is so poor that you can't even meet the basic requirements of nouns for nouns and verbs for verbs. The breeze and bright moon are unintentional, there is no sadness in it, and it is not duality at all. The third and fourth sentences and the fifth and sixth sentences of old-style poetry must be neat couplets, which is the common sense of poetry. In addition, there are more than10 million Chinese characters, and a poem is only 56 words, so there should be no repetition at all. It can be seen that your ability to refine Chinese characters needs to be improved. If you are interested in learning poetry, why don't you formally learn from the teacher, so as not to learn from the donkey instead of the horse? I can communicate with you more. If you are interested, you can email me below. 2006-12-2316:10: 39 supplement: I didn't learn the meter well when writing old-style poems, so I'd better write new poems first. The skill of old poetry lies in strictly observing the metrical rules, and it can still write sentences with profound meanings and endless meanings. If you want to write about pregnancy, I suddenly think of a poem in the background, which is also based on rising tone and eastern rhyme, for your reference: Untitled: Last Night's Stars and Last Night's Wind, west of the studio and east of the cinnamon room. Although my body doesn't have Cai Feng's wings, I feel the harmonious heartbeat of the sacred unicorn, and when it warms me, I will remind you how to bet.

I graduated from Chinese Department of CUHK.

After many years' absence, several poems were paid by Dong Ping. They are in full (dull) spirits. The mountains and rivers are beautiful (flat) Romantic attitudes are different (flat). Nothing is intentional at four o'clock. The sun, the moon and the river are not connected (flat). Affection is the author's appeal to his heart through that scenery (insipid). I think the artistic conception of this poem is ok. . . Is it for friends or lovers? Changed a few words. ....

Reference: I

After a long separation, a few poems write things (flat), the beauty of mountains and rivers is vividly described (flat), and the romantic posture is different (flat). At four o'clock, the vegetation is unintentional (flat), and the Sun Moon River is not connected (flat). Affection is the author's new idea of telling you about his heart (peace) through that scenery. I think: the second sentence-it is better to remember feelings "long" than "thick", and it is poetic to remember feelings "thick"; All the other sentences are good. I just see that the third sentence and the seventh sentence may need to be changed, but it's okay not to change. Nice to meet like-minded friends. I also want to talk to you. Let's make friends! Please also compare your views on my two new poems. Thank you! ~ Thank you, teacher ~ Baishi is a rare mentor, and I will never forget your kind words in my life. I'm lucky to have been taught by you. I'll repay you later. ~ don't bother ~ things are often unsatisfactory and worry about small things. Looking up at the white clouds, the breeze taught me not to disturb. Let's make friends! V. My email: [email protected]

I'm not a baa baa master ... but I was passing by. I read your poems ... after a long time, I paid a few poems for my love (peace)-is it a strong feeling? Well, let love grow too clearly! ! Shanda? Plus that artistic conception. So it's a bit strange. Want to write romance? However, at four o'clock, not a single tree or grass (even the sun, the moon and the mountains and rivers have not passed by) seems a bit wrong. ...

Mountains and rivers are connected .. so it sounds a bit strange .. the above is purely personal. .....

Reference: I ~