Take stock of these maddening masochists
1, because I love you, I am afraid of losing you;
I'm afraid of losing you, so I must leave you first. This model often brings great pain to the other party, because the other party can't understand why that person suddenly leaves when the relationship is getting closer and closer. These people who avoid intimate relationships often experience abandonment when they grow up. Of course, this kind of abandonment may not really happen in reality, but in his mind, when he was a child, he would experience the experience of being abandoned by his relatives, such as being fostered, being left alone in the hospital, being lost with his parents, being picked up late in kindergarten, or playing small games with him because his parents were busy at work, and so on. Because for a child, he depends entirely on the care of his parents to survive. When he needs his parents, they are not in his sight, which will bring strong fear to the child's heart. In his feelings, he can interpret this lack of parents as being abandoned by his parents, and this feeling of abandonment may also be devastating to him.
So when he entered the intimate relationship, the fear of being abandoned by his relatives in his early years was awakened again. When he couldn't bear the fear of being abandoned, he chose to leave the person he loved first. In this way, on the emotional level, he can hold the initiative of the relationship in his hand, thus avoiding the pain of being abandoned.
I love you, so I'm leaving you.
We often read some beautiful stories about "love at first sight". The beauty is love at first sight, deep love, but people are gone. Probably because the story came to an abrupt end, the story stayed at the best moment, so it was so attractive. This story is actually a replica of life. In life, there are indeed some people who are more afraid of the people they love. When they feel that the person opposite is more and more important to him, they will have fear in their hearts. In the face of people who are more and more important to him, he will have a strong anxiety: will he leave me? Does he really love me? The more important the other person is to him, the deeper his suspicion will be. In order to prevent that important person from abandoning him, he will leave the danger of being left behind first.
I always feel "you owe me" in the closest person.
For the person we love, because we love him, we often place high expectations on him. When this expectation is not met, we will feel that the other party has not met us because the other party "owes me", thus feeling very angry. In intimate relationships, this expression of "you owe me" can create the guilt of the other party, thus exerting strong control over the other party. Sometimes, this is a very effective control method, and it is also very destructive. One of my visitors, after talking with his parents all day, realized that if he could not meet his parents' needs, he might be kicked out of the house at any time. Therefore, in life, she tries to meet her parents' requirements. If she can't satisfy them, she will be swallowed up by strong guilt. Over time, she became angry with her parents, because no matter how hard she tried, it seemed that she could not fully meet her parents' expectations for the land. Under the pressure of this guilt, when she couldn't bear it, she finally chose to fight, and her relationship with her parents was on the verge of breaking down.
4. Be angry with the person who is best for you.
People who love to lose their temper often have a lot of fears in their hearts. In order to ensure that they are not overwhelmed by fear, they will use angry hairstyles to suppress the feeling of fear. It's like a soldier on the battlefield. When he sees his comrades killed or injured, his inner fear will drive him to fight bravely, because the more brave he is, the more likely he is to protect himself and survive. So many times, losing your temper is just to prevent your inner weakness and cold. People with fragile hearts actually have a lot of fears when they lose their temper. They are afraid of losing someone important to them because of their temper. Therefore, when they lose their temper, they often make a choice first: choose a relatively safe person to release their inner pressure, because a relatively safe person will not abandon him because of his bad temper. And this relatively safe person is often the best person for him, but what is certain in his heart is that the other person is the one who cares about him. So we often see that a person who is often regarded as a great man outside will make trouble at home when he gets home.
In fact, we all have "hate" feelings for the people we love.
Hate is the unfulfilled expectation of love. In intimate relationships, when we feel that the other person is more important to us, we often expect to get all of him, and may even expect to swallow him, so that we can have all of him. The reality is that we can't have another person completely, because it is a completely independent individual, so when we feel this reality, we will also have a strong sense of frustration, which may lead us to hate the people we love. In life, we can often see such an example, which is the so-called deep love and hate. One of my interviewers once told me that he hated me: when he saw so many indexes of interviewers' names in my notebook, he suddenly felt angry, because at that moment, he realized that he was not my only patient, but I was his only therapist. This made him feel a great blow. In his feelings, I am the most important person in his life, and he is just one of my patients. He suddenly felt that he was unimportant in front of me, and the relationship between us was so unequal that he couldn't stand it.
When he realized that he was not the only one for me, he felt weak, humble and unloved. These feelings are hard for him to face, so he uses anger to stop himself from feeling these contents. When he felt unbearable anger, he flew into a rage at me.
6. You are so perfect that I can only be cautious in front of you.
In a comfortable intimate relationship, both sides are equal. In this relationship, both parties can present themselves truly and express themselves freely. For some people who have had many traumatic experiences in the process of growing up, they may not be able to realize the equality between each other and themselves. He needs to completely idealize each other to meet his need for perfection or dependence. Getting along with such people will make people feel comfortable at first. When we are idealized by another person, we will feel their worship, their affirmation of ourselves and so on, which will make us feel capable and valuable, so we will feel very comfortable.
7. If you can't completely guess what I need you to do, you are my enemy.
When we grow up slowly, if our original sense of omnipotence has been well satisfied, we can gradually have the ability to accept reality on this basis, and gradually perceive and accept our weakness in setbacks, thus giving up the expectation of omnipotence. For some people who didn't finish this job well in the process of growing up, there will be a primitive sense of omnipotence in their self, and they expect to have God-like energy to meet their needs well. This is a way for them to cope with real pressure. They expect that when they have super powers, they can avoid the harm caused by outside dissatisfaction.
Therefore, in intimate relationships, they sometimes can't expect each other to respond according to realistic principles. They expect the other party to fully understand his needs. When he has any idea, he doesn't need to say it at all, and the other party can meet him on his own initiative. If the other party doesn't do this, he will feel that the other party is hurting himself and even get angry.