Roasham said, "One example is better than twenty teachings in the book". Behind every problem children, there is a problem family. By the same token, it is easy for problem families to cultivate problem children. In the eyes of many parents, children are full of problems. When some parents get angry, they will jump out and call names: How did I give birth to such a shameful child? However, have you ever wondered why children have such and such problems? Where do these problems come from? Have we ever reflected on ourselves? Is it because of ourselves that children are covered by problems?
My father is a farmer!
I have a student who is smart, but doesn't like studying. Sometimes I don't listen to lectures and do my homework in class, and I just loaf around all day. He doesn't make trouble, but he likes to amuse himself and fool around. He basically relies on cleverness to cope with the exam. His father is a bureau-level cadre in the city. During junior high school, his father sent him to a key middle school. The boy didn't reach this level at first, but he got a countdown in the exam and his self-confidence was greatly hit, so his study later became more problematic.
I am also anxious about this student, and sometimes I criticize him, but I find that he has too many problems and it is difficult to correct them. Once, when I was chatting with him, he said to me, "Why do you have to go to college? I didn't go to college to be self-employed. Do I need to go to college? "
I said, "Have you talked to your father about this idea?"
He said, "Tell my dad? I want to kill him! "
I was taken aback and asked, "Why?"
He said: "The relationship between my father and me is a word' fight'. Hit me if you can't say two words. I can't communicate with him at all. He is a "farmer"!
A few days later, the student saw me again and said, "xu teacher, I have great good news for you. My parents are getting divorced. "
I was surprised: "Do you expect your parents to divorce?"
He said, "It's good to leave."
I asked, "Who did you go with?"
He said: "I don't follow anyone, and none of them can control me, so I can live a quiet life for two days."
It turns out that this classmate's father is very strict with his son. He thinks his son is very smart, and he needs to be beaten if he doesn't like studying. So when he sees his son being lazy and angry, he will add his fists to his son. And this classmate's mother is in business, has some money, and is especially proud of her son. The couple often quarrel about their children's problems. In the end, the children became worse and worse, and the feelings between husband and wife were hurt. At the point of divorce, the children gloated.
Later, I called his father and I said, "Is it difficult for you to communicate with your children?" He said, "Yes, he jumps when he speaks."
I said, "How about this? I will take the lead. You and your children, let's sit together and talk calmly, shall we? " His father said, "All right."
I called his mother again and made an appointment.
Then, I told this boy again. The boy strongly disagreed and said, "No, no, I can't communicate with my dad at all. After two or three sentences came out, he began to fly into a rage. You don't know the teacher, he is an old farmer. "
I said, "I can't protect you when I'm around." If not, if he dares to do it, can't the two of us compete with him? "I said this, and the students reluctantly agreed.
That day, the four of us found a quiet coffee shop and sat down together.
I said, "Usually parents say and children listen. Today, our parents should listen to their children's opinions first. If you have any questions about your parents, just ask. "
When I do my work as a student, I want my parents to listen to my students, not the students to listen to their parents. Because students are tired of listening to their parents, which parent is not exhorting them? Those reasons have been repeated hundreds of times, and students have long been tired of hearing them. The more parents preach and discipline, the more problems children have. In fact, there are some reasons that parents don't understand. Parents and teachers are two different concepts, just as doctors can't treat their loved ones.
The boy began to say, "I don't want to go to college." I will be a self-employed and freelance manager in the future. Why should I go to college? " You don't understand me, you are unreasonable, you are wrong, you must force me to carry it out. "
My student's father said, "If you don't go to college in the future, who can look up to you in this society?"
The student said, "Why should I let others look up to me? I can look up to myself! " "
Before I came, I greeted his father in advance. I said don't be angry today, just let the child talk, and he said yes. But now, the father thinks that what his son said is unreasonable and can't help quarreling with his son.
I enlightened him, and I said to his parents, "Don't always look down on children. The child has problems, problems, and needs to be solved bit by bit. However, I never think this is just a problem for students. Parents are a mirror of children, and children's problems always have a complex family background. A family is reasonable, and your children will be reasonable. A child's eccentric personality shows that there must be something wrong with this family education. "
I said to the boy again, "You should also understand your parents. You always said that your father was a farmer. To tell the truth, I am also a farmer. What happened to that farmer? At least farmers are simple, at least farmers know how to cherish. We are farmers, and we farmers can do something when we come out. Your father is a farmer and manages the work of a bureau, which shows that we farmers are not simple. What are you talking about? "
After that conversation, the student and his parents also began to reflect on themselves. The relationship between their families also improved a lot, and the boy was later admitted to a key university.
It is still light for children to treat their father as a farmer.
What about the serious ones? Parents are simply enemies in their hearts. A senior two student in our city often beats and curses because his mother is too strict in discipline. In a rage, he raised a wooden handle hammer and killed his mother alive. Ma Jiajue, a student of Yunnan University, brutally murdered four students. However, when the reporter searched his life records, he didn't expect to give the impression that he was a good boy in the eyes of his parents, a good student in front of teachers and students, and a good youth in the eyes of villagers. However, after the incident, people found that Ma Jiajue had serious psychological problems through investigation. When Ma Jiajue 15 years old, he tried to kill his father when he heard his parents arguing!
Children certainly have their own problems. On the other hand, some parents pass on their expectations for the future and heavy pressure to their children, causing even bigger problems for them. In the period of social transformation, while people are unilaterally pursuing wealth and status, they often ignore the most fundamental things in life-love and tolerance.
A clever way to make children stupid
One summer, a fellow villager from Shandong came to me and said that his son's final exam results in senior two were very poor. He is very angry and anxious. This fellow villager is the boss of a big company in Shandong. He was too busy with his business to take a month off to study with his children, but he felt that the effect was not good, so he found me and asked for advice.
I said, "You call the child first and I'll tell him."
The students came, extremely slow. I asked him, "How did you do in the exam?"
The student said, "Not bad."
I said, "What is the concept of OK?"
He said: "Compared with the mid-term exam, I have improved three places."
I said, "Then you are amazing. Do you know how many people in this high school you attended were admitted to key universities this year? There are more than 700 people. You are a key high school, and every student is very good. How difficult it is to catch up with three students in two months! There are still eight big exams in senior three. If you catch up with the third grade every time from now on, you will be in the top 20 in your class, and the top 20 students will be admitted to Zhejiang University, Fudan University and Jiaotong University. "
After listening to my words, the students suddenly brightened up and cheered up.
Then, I said to his father, "As a father, why do you insist that your child didn't do well in the exam?" Why is he bad? He improved three places, but you didn't encourage him. How far do you want him to progress to be satisfied? You say a number. "
His father was speechless.
I asked the students again, "What are you going to do this summer vacation?"
He said, "My father just looked at me and told me to study."
It turned out that his father specially took a month off, that is, he woke up the child early every day and watched him enter the study. As soon as the door closed, his father watched from outside. Then ask him out for dinner at noon. After dinner, take a nap, wake him up, and then go to study. It is stipulated that 1 1 sleep at night. The child in the middle can't go out. He had to ask for leave if he wanted to go downstairs.
I asked, "How long can I study this holiday?"
He said, "study for ten hours every day."
I asked, "What is the effect?"
He said: "The effect is not good."
I asked, "How many hours do you usually study at school?"
He said, "I usually study at school for eight hours."
I said, "Now, why don't you transfer it back for eight hours?"
He said, "I can't adjust. My father looked at me and wouldn't let me go out. "
I said to his father, "Holidays are always children's holidays. There is no such requirement for children as you. Your parents are watching outside. Do you know what he's doing in there? Can he study efficiently? Isn't this self-deception and joking about the future of children? In fact, you didn't do your duty as a parent at all. Anyway, you think I'm watching you. Have you studied whether you can study? You're just comforting yourself. "
I said, "Usually, I ask my students not to study for a while. But as long as you study, every minute must be efficient. The saddest thing is that when you should play, you are not happy; You can't learn when you should. This is the state you are most afraid of. So, if you want to play, you can go out and have a good time for two hours, but you must come back and concentrate when you come back to study. If you do this, the efficiency will definitely be high. "
I asked the child, "Can you do it?"
He said, "I can do it."
As a result, in front of his father, we discussed a study schedule: eight hours a day, three hours in the morning, three hours in the afternoon and two hours in the evening.
I asked again, "How do you study?"
He said, "I looked at it from the beginning and finished the problem."
I said: "some subjects are not good, so read the book first, and then do the questions;" Moreover, if you learn some subjects well, you don't have to read books first, but do the questions first, and then go back to read books when you encounter problems, which will improve efficiency. "
I said to my child, "If you can learn like this, you will definitely improve the exam by more than five points when you start school this summer."
He said, "Really?"
I said positively, "Really."
Teachers should tell students how to do it and what kind of goals they can achieve by doing so. In this way, the child will be very practical and will not worry. He believes that as long as he does this, he will improve and achieve his goal.
That's what I told my child. His father was dumbfounded. He said that he had never said this to his children, but only knew how to put pressure on them.
I have read a book for educating children, called Smart Ways to Make Children Stupid, which was written by an educator in Taiwan Province Province. It says that there are ten clever ways to make children stupid, one of which is too harsh; Interfere everywhere; Restrict the game; Encourage seedling raising, etc. The educator summed it up very well, which can be said to be fatal.
The parent mentioned above used a typical trick to make the child stupid. In fact, if you think about it carefully, many of our parents are actually using these tricks intentionally or unintentionally to stifle students, and students can't stand such strangulation because it comes from their biological parents!
More important than study counseling.
Sometimes, when I talk to my parents, some parents say to me, "xu teacher, the knowledge that children learn now is too profound. How can I learn but I can't understand? What should I do? "
I said, "Although I have been a teacher for decades, I seldom give my children cultural lessons. Actually, parents, even if you can help your children with their homework, is that what you should do? What does the teacher need if the parents come to help the children with their homework? Parents are usually busy. Sending children to school, children's grades are not good. This is the responsibility of the teacher, and there is no reason for the teacher to put the responsibility on the parents.
Teaching is a teacher's business, and doing homework is a student's business. What do parents want? Parents are children's first teachers and spiritual pillars. Don't look after the children. Sometimes they don't want to communicate with their parents, but that doesn't mean they don't care about their parents. Children care too much about their parents. Many children don't need this kind of communication. If the door of communication is closed, I think the responsibility lies not with the children, but with the parents. Your child was so cute when he was a child, why did he suddenly stop talking to you? You should think about it! For example, the child got 90 points in math last time and 80 points this time. In fact, last time I got 90 points and ranked 30th in my class, but this time I got 80 points, but I ranked 20th in my class. But sometimes parents don't understand, don't understand this situation, he has made progress, and when he needs your affirmation, you indiscriminately criticize the child. Can he leave you alone?
It is not easy to be a good parent. Many of us adults, leading a unit and a company, are doing very smartly, but our children are often not well cared for. Are there few such examples around us?
With all due respect, I think many parents have a misunderstanding: they simply attribute their academic performance to whether they are smart or not and whether they study hard or not. But years of teaching experience tell me that for most students, poor academic performance is not caused by intellectual factors, but by non-intellectual factors, that is, in psychology and learning ability.
Therefore, I have always believed that it is much more important for parents to help their children adjust their psychology and improve their learning ability than to urge their children to do their homework or coach their children in cultural classes. It is the first responsibility of parents to help children adjust their mentality and enhance their interest and skills in learning. (Author: Xu, Doctor of Education, Peking University, a famous education expert)