I don’t know if you have ever heard of a saying: All your strength is a soft cocoon.
When I first saw this sentence, I couldn’t remember which article it was in, but I always remembered it.
Strongness always has some kind of hard shell, and a cocoon is born where we can't see it. This cocoon slowly becomes soft, but it is still extremely tough.
That warm and powerful way of existence is the armor that strength is given to everyone.
We are all habitually strong and disguised in front of the people we love. Only when we are alone can we see the complete but extremely true self.
I wonder if you still remember the song Wang Yuan once sang.
There is no real empathy in this world. Who understands you best? Maybe it's no one else but yourself. Under those hard shells are delicate and soft hearts that have never been seen, let alone touched.
We carefully maintain our inner world, fearing that someone will accidentally break in and see our most embarrassing side.
What will happen if one day we take off this layer of strength? At least in front of the one you love, be a child, a "weak", and an ordinary person.
I think that’s pretty good.
01
I understand the loneliness that cannot be seen.
On the last night of 2019, I celebrated New Year’s Eve outside, had hot pot with my friends, and decided to sing.
The KTV was very noisy, and every private room was singing their favorite songs. I received a reminder from 10086 on my mobile phone that this month’s points have arrived again.
Every message reminds me that this year is coming to an end.
I suddenly stood up, left the room, and called my two cousins ??in Guangdong and abroad.
I have done this habit every year since they left home, either on New Year's Eve or on their birthdays.
Someone answered the phone, and it was the second sister who spoke.
After leaving Xi'an, she went to work abroad. There were things and people she liked there. It had been half a year since they last met, and she didn't know when we would see each other again.
The country she lives in is one hour behind Beijing time, and there are still five hours before the New Year. She is working overtime at this time. I am a little surprised: Do you still work overtime during the New Year?
My sister said, it’s normal. I haven’t celebrated the New Year in many years.
At the age of 19, I left Anhui to study in Xi'an, where I settled down and started a family. Twelve years have passed.
I have been to Xi'an twice, both because that is where my sister lives and I wanted to visit.
When we were children, we often played together. When we grow up, we spend less time together and more time apart. When we saw each other again, my sister took her boyfriend home for dinner. I knew that we had all grown up.
Is my sister lonely in that city?
I think I can see this loneliness in her eyes.
When I went to Xi'an last spring, my sister often got up in the middle of the night and sat in the living room watching TV and smoking. I didn't go out, but I knew she didn't want me to see her.
Every year when she goes home, she brings many gifts to her family, buys toys for the younger generation, and takes me out to play. In front of me, she will always be the omnipotent sister.
But my sister is only two years older than me.
She is also a girl, a girl who needs to be loved and taken care of by others.
When I was a child, I didn’t understand her suffering, but now I understand, what does it mean to live alone in a strange city?
The nicotine in the living room tells me that my sister is releasing her strength.
That strength makes me uncomfortable. I want to hug her, but I don’t know how to let her go. Some things need to be faced alone, but I hope that my sister can occasionally take off her armor in front of me.
She can also be a willful girl and cry in front of her loved ones.
I have experienced this strength before, and it is not easy to feel.
But many times, we have no choice because we are afraid that the people we love will be hurt together.
But I want to tell my sister, you don’t have to be afraid, because there will always be someone to rely on, a family member, or someone you love.
At some point, I understand your sadness.
I hope you will be happy next time we meet again.
02
It’s not that people who leave don’t care, they just don’t dare to face cruelty.
When I was a child, I had bad legs and underwent various surgeries. The one that impressed me most was a bone distraction in Shanghai when I was 13 years old.
A 13-year-old child has a memory of pain and a judgment on things.
I know the pain of steel nails piercing my knees, and I also remember the suffering of lying in bed for 21 days.
But I remember more what happened that day.
In the morning, the doctor came to visit me and said that I would have traction in the afternoon. He informed me of the risks and tips and made preparations.
At around three o'clock in the afternoon, the bone distraction officially started.
First anesthesia, then traction.
I am very afraid of pain, even injections, let alone this kind of semi-anesthetic surgery.
My aunt "escaped" from the ward before the operation. She couldn't watch my operation process, let alone the way I cried. Only my father stayed in the ward and accompanied me through the entire operation.
I held my father with one hand and the railing at the head of the bed with the other. In the Shanghai ward in November, I sweated a lot.
The pain spreads in the knee and spreads throughout the body as the anesthetic wears off. I took painkillers for three days before I got used to it.
During the operation, I cried until I was hoarse. I am a child and can release my emotions unbridled. Because of the pain, but also because I don’t want to suffer this pain.
At that time, I just thought that my father was really powerful and even brave enough to accompany me to complete such an operation.
When I grew up, I realized that my father did not cry with me, nor did he leave the ward like my aunt.
But because he is a father, he is stronger than me. He wants to protect me and not let my aunt see his tears.
My aunt couldn’t bear to see me crying because she cared.
Because of this disease, my father took me to hospitals in many cities and even abroad. Only when you understand will you understand what is behind that strength.
The resilience and bravery of parenthood.
I have never experienced this emotion, but I know that my father is using his own strength to protect me from wind and rain. Only once did he cry, when he collapsed when he learned that all ideal surgical options could not be implemented and that the final step had to be taken.
He sat on the stairs of the hospital and couldn't hold it in any longer.
This is the truth he told me when I was 23 years old.
Before this, I never knew that my father could cry, because I had never seen his weakness.
In my impression, he is a superman, someone who can always protect me.
Suddenly one day, we were sitting on the bus, and he said with emotion: I really want to go back to my twenties, where I can run, jump, and have endless strength. I am not afraid of old age, but in the end I'm afraid that I want to do it but can't do it. Why am I over fifty years old before I know it?
I saw the light flashing in his eyes, I don’t know if it was tears or something else.
I suddenly realized that my father was really old.
Yesterday, Mr. Jiang sent me home and I was standing downstairs. I watched the lights in the living room go dark, and I joked: "This old man fell asleep again."
Mr. Jiang He also said: "If your father saw me, would he be thinking that I stole his baby daughter?"
We both laughed, but I felt very uncomfortable.
One day in the future, I will leave this home and have my own little home, and my father will also hold my hand and hand me over to him.
I think my father will cry, although he keeps insisting: "I don't know how, I wish you would get married soon."
But I know that he is reluctant to let it go.
My dear dad, from now on, let me be your armor, and you can be a child without any scruples.
03
I will gradually become softer, because the person I love will always be with me.
When I was a child, I was a very crybaby. I would cry if I couldn’t get the toys and clothes I liked; I would cry if I fell down; I would cry if the person I liked didn’t care about me.
Others say I am weak because I like to cry and because I cannot hide my emotions.
I don’t know when I started to put away my tears. Outside, no matter how wronged and hurt I was, I didn’t want to cry to prove my weakness.
Now that I think about it, this is not weakness, it is just a way to let go of strength.
The first time I left home for college, my family drove me to Wuhu with three suitcases, big and small. Before leaving, my aunt was very reluctant to leave. She always felt that I didn’t know how to live without leaving home.
It turns out that I really don’t know how to live.
I don’t know how to sew, so my room manager helps me every time; I don’t know how to make quilts, so my roommate does it with me; I don’t know how to control my own living expenses, and I overspent in the first month. .
But I learned everything in just one month.
No one forced me, but I told myself, you should know this.
This may not be a big deal, but for me it was a difficult process.
The first time I worked a part-time job, my supervisor said that I was criticized by people in the supermarket. I didn’t tell my family about the grievances I felt. The first time I met a so-called scumbag, I was hurt all over, and I didn’t feel the pain. I will tell others; the first time I was traveling abroad and my wallet was stolen by a thief, and the hotel door was opened, I had to bear the fear alone.
I have learned to solve problems by myself and no longer cry when encountering problems.
Because that’s how kids deal with it, and I need to grow up.
This kind of inertia has been maintained from college to now. Even though I live in my hometown, I still like to report good news but not bad news.
When I was single for many years, I had no so-called emotional support. I often felt that a person was very good and wanted to grow up and make myself better. Occasional loneliness is also habitually ignored.
But why don’t I want to meet someone with whom I can express my feelings and enjoy the warmth of being hugged?
I also want to cry loudly and laugh indulgently, without caring about whether it looks good or not, let alone how ugly the disguise of strength is.
Fortunately, I am lucky.
Yesterday, I stood on the windowsill and listened to the rain. Usually I don’t like rainy days. The feeling of loneliness is very uncomfortable.
But yesterday, I especially enjoyed the beauty brought by the winter rain.
Because I have expectations and joy in my heart, and because I no longer have to be strong and face the future life alone.
In addition to my family, there is also the person who can give me warm hands and hugs.
I will also learn to slowly become softer, because the person I love will always be with me.
04
Sometimes, we need to embrace ourselves and those we love. That warmth is the catalyst that makes us soft.
Today, I still believe that no one can truly empathize with all of our inner worlds, but I believe even more that there will be people who are willing to walk into our lives and make us lose our strength.
In the new year, I hope you can meet your beloved, someone who understands and loves you. May all your strength become your weakness in front of them.
By that time, we will be better.
Picture from Tu Monster/Pexels
Hello, I am Yang Darling, a mildly neurotic woman who can sing, draw and write!