Disadvantages: the word order is not well arranged, and two words are written in the poem, some of which overlap. At the same time, some words are too direct, which destroys the overall feeling of poetry.
The second point is that the description is not detailed enough. Poetry, whether bold, graceful or hazy, should give readers a detailed picture, and you can add a little description of the singer's appearance or movements, such as playing the guitar, which is too broad and unprofessional.