In college, when I was absorbed in reading under the lamp, the lamp suddenly went out. This is the unanimous resolution made by all the students in the dormitory for me: obey the school rules and turn off the lights on time. How I hate the hand that pulls the switch, and with a click, another day is cut off from my lifeline. Sitting stupefied in the dark, staring out of the window in the dim moonlight, I cried with injustice.
The older I get, the faster time passes, but I seem to be more numb. Day after day, the days disappear silently, just like water drops disappearing into the sea. Looking back suddenly, I have lived in the world for more than 10 thousand days and nights, and they all disappeared.
"Confucius said in Sichuan," The deceased is like a husband, staying up all night. "In fact, time is such a river, we can stand on it, the river flows, and I am still the same? Time is not something that flows by me, but my life. What is left for me is not the days on the calendar, but the years in my life; Not even my years, but myself. Not only can I not find the lost years, but I can't find my former self.
When I think back to me a long time ago, for example, when I think back to my tearful eyes in the university dormitory, there will always be an orphan's shadow in front of my eyes. In the past few years, he was mercilessly abandoned. Alone and friendless, he vainly hoped to return to the world, but in fact, he was irresistibly taken away by the past years. I reached out my hand, but I couldn't reach him and bring him back. I shouted, but my voice couldn't reach his ears. I have to admit that this is a kind of death. I have become a dead man in the past, and my memory of him is the same as that of a dead man.
two
Since ancient times, I don't know how many people have asked: What is time? Where is it? People ask questions in time and think hard, but they can't get an answer and are taken away by time forever.
Where is the time? Where are the people taken away by time?
In order to measure time, our ancestors invented the calendar, so human beings have history and individuals have ages. Age represents the time from birth to the present. Do you really have one? Where are they?
It's always like this: we didn't know we had grown up until we lost our childhood; Because of the loss of time, we know that we are still alive; We know the time because we lost it.
We call what we lost the past, what we didn't get the future and what we left in our hands the present. But time has not stopped, and now it has become the past. What do we have?
How many late nights, I stayed in the light and didn't want to end the day. However, even if I stayed up all night, the day was over. We can't keep time.
We never have time, but time holds our destiny. In its endless palm, our short life is presented at the same time, regardless of the past, present and future. Our life and death, happiness and disaster have long been recorded.
However, since the past no longer exists, the present is fleeting and the future does not exist. Is there really time in the world? Who is this invisible man who exercises the right to life and death of all things in the world?
I imagine myself as a statue on the grass, witnessing generations of children frolicking and coming from afar, growing up beside me, making love, having fun, getting old and stumbling away. I recognized my figure among them, and he walked the same distance as others. I stared at him anxiously and motioned for him to stop, but he ignored me. Now he has passed me, keep going. I sadly watched him irretrievably move towards aging and death.
three
Many years later, I returned to the city where I was born, and an old classmate from primary school accompanied me through the old street with the same face. He suddenly pointed to an ugly girl sitting at the door of a street house and told me quietly that she was our classmate XXX. I quickly turned away. I couldn't believe that my former idol was like this. There are many beautiful faces in my heart, but once we meet again, everything will be shattered immediately.
We always think that a snack we tasted as a child is the sweetest, a song we heard as a child is the most wonderful, and a scenery we saw as a child is the most beautiful. "Happy years are lost years." You can get back the snacks, the music and the scenery, but you can't get back the years. Therefore, the same dim sum is no longer so sweet, the same music is no longer so beautiful, and the same scenery is no longer so beautiful.
When I was sitting in the cinema watching movies, I knew that human color photography technology had made extraordinary progress, but I still couldn't find the bright colors like the slides I watched as a child. The lost years, like those slides, shine with happiness that can never be touched in memory.
Every time I go back to my alma mater, I will linger outside the dormitory window where I once lived for a long time. Furong is still at the window. After so many years, it has neither died nor grown up. I really want to go in and see if the old me is still there. Since then, I have been to many places and had many experiences, but will all this be an illusion? Maybe, I'm still the same person, just distracted for a while? Maybe, there is no time at all, only a lot of me exist at the same time, maybe I will suddenly meet you somewhere? But I didn't go into the house in the end, because I knew that my dormitory had been occupied by strangers, and they would regard me as an intruder, even though in my eyes, they were intruders of my sacred youth.
Under the guidance of memories, we visited our old friends and revisited our old places in an attempt to find back the feelings of the past, but in vain. We finally found that not only our childhood and youth disappeared with time, but also a complete world composed of people, trees, houses, streets and the sky, including our love and sadness, feelings and moods, as well as our whole spiritual world.
four
However, I still don't believe that time has taken everything away. The lost years, our most precious childhood and youth, we must keep them in a safe place in some way. We forgot the location of the treasure, but there must be such a place, otherwise we wouldn't have searched so hard. In other words, there is a secret room of the soul, which contains all our past treasures, but we try our best to remember the lock code. However, maybe once, we accidentally typed the right password, so the secret room opened and we went back to the past.
When Proust's hero suddenly felt a strange pleasure and tremor with a piece of Madeleine dessert soaked in tea, he felt the correct password. A feeling at the moment may be a taste, a breath, a melody, and a piece of sunshine on the slate, which coincides with the feeling that has long been forgotten, so it is mixed with the old state of mind associated with this feeling, and the old life scene emerges from this state of mind.
In fact, everyone has many opportunities for Proust's happiness in his life. Triggered by this opportunity, we will have a feeling of deja vu and lose something. But few people like Proust seized this opportunity to promote the reappearance of Shaoguang. We always live in front of us and are busy with external affairs. Our days are fragmented and lack internal continuity. The lost years are like undeveloped negatives, piled up in a dark room. They're still here, but what's the difference between losing them forever?
five
The poet is a poet because he is more sensitive to the passage of time than ordinary people, and poetry is his own refuge from this period of time. There are three ways to get rid of time: live in memories and make the past eternal; Live in the passion of the present and make the present eternal; Live in expectation and make the future eternal. However, imaginary eternity can't actually stop the passage of time. So memories are sad, expectations are confused, and temporary passion is mixed with ecstasy and despair. No wonder one of the most optimistic poets shouted:
"An hour hand indicates an instant, but what can indicate eternity?"
The poet undertook a tragic mission: to turn the moment into eternity and get rid of time in time.
Who can live outside time and truly have eternity?
Children and God.
Children don't care about the passage of time. In children's eyes, time is endless. Childhood is nostalgic, because we once had eternity in childhood. However, children will grow up and we will eventually lose our childhood. Our childhood ended on the day when we knew we were going to die. Since we lost our childhood, we have lost eternity.
Since then, the only eternity I know is the infinite extension of time after my death, and my eternity does not exist.
Where's God? How I want to sing praises to God with St. Augustine: "Your years are endless and always in front of you. Our yesterday and tomorrow have passed, and today is coming." How I wish there was an eternal mirror in the world, reflecting all my wealth plundered by time, including my life. However, I know that God is only the refuge of poets!
When I was very young, I kept a diary secretly. At first, the diary was childish, just about what good things I ate today and so on. I seem to instinctively realize that good taste fades easily, so I want to keep it in words. With the growth of my age, I have retained many beautiful flavors in my writing: love, friendship, loneliness, joy and pain? I burned all my diaries in a disaster when I was young. Later, I realized the seriousness of this move and cried for my real death in the past years. However, the habit of writing continues. I kept transferring the best part of myself to my words, and finally, when Rome was not in Rome, I escaped the passage of time.
Or fiction? However, what can he do with a man who has lost his childhood and doesn't believe in God?