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Lying on the desk, fingers banging blindly on the keyboard, writing and deleting, deleting and writing, I don't know what I want to express. This night is destined to be calm, but my heart has never been calm.
I am sad. I am eager to be liked, but I feel that everyone is abandoning me. I long for friendship, but I can't get it. When I am being nice to someone, in fact, that person is very disdainful at heart, but on the surface, he has to pretend to be good. I regard her as a good friend, but she says she hates me the most in class. I gave her psychological counseling for a month, telling her not to ruin her future, but she still hasn't changed; In order not to make her jealous, I stay away from the boy he likes, but she still cares; In order not to let her be so decadent, I even went to that boy and talked with him a lot. The only purpose is to make him be nice to her, but she says she hates me.
You know, I envy those people who have good friends, such as Liner, who are very likable. I really want to be like her. I received a blessing on my birthday. It is a blessing to have someone stay up late for me. I think the only meaning of September 16 is the day I was born. Every time I see people in the second group chatting happily, I want to join in, but I can't get in touch. You can only be a screen peeper silently, face the cold screen and imagine your smiling face.
I can't tell what kind of person I am, as if I have a dual personality. Their first impression of me is lively and outgoing plus bold and open. But in fact, I am more conservative than anyone else, so I have to be silent. In the eyes of others, I am a super popular person, surrounded by some people all day. But who knows, they all wear masks, including me. Who knows, I'm actually very lonely inside. I am so lonely that no one wishes me on my birthday and no one chats with me on holidays. Loneliness, the whole holiday, can only be accompanied by textbooks and electronic products.
You see, I have no heart, so how do you know I'm not heartbroken?
To tell the truth, I don't seem to have the quiet and elegance of Virgo at all, but I have the temper and uncleanness of Leo. But when I feel lonely and desolate inside, I will quietly put everything away, sit alone in a daze, read alone, and even cry alone for no reason. However, who knows these things? Who knows that my liveliness and ruthlessness are all fake? Who knows what the real me is like under the mask?
When I grew up, I learned to hide myself. In order not to hurt my scarred heart, I have automatically put on a mask and continue to wear it. I have been wearing it since I began to understand the world, for a long time, until I almost believe that the face wearing a mask is the real me. For a long time, I hardly knew myself. The simple girl who was not familiar with the world has been replaced by a mature girl who is full of worries but can't talk. Oneself, no longer have those clean eyes without any impurities, no longer have that kind of beautiful vision for the future, or even a simple world.
It tastes a little salty, so I cried.
I don't like myself now. I can only force myself not to touch and hurt my friendship, no longer desire, no longer have. I want to make myself laugh. People who say they are unhappy are stupid pigs, so I can't be a stupid pig girl.
Now, I can only laugh at myself and say, "wake up, what are you waiting for?" Friendship is a noble thing, you don't deserve it, so you should do better, afford it and let it go. "So, I was awakened by reality, I want to make myself happy. Warmth is a luxury that needs deep cold and pain, but I want to tell myself that from now on, don't torture yourself for anyone or anything, such as being angry, crying and not eating. These are all things that fools do, that is, punish themselves with other people's mistakes. My task is to become a better self and live a better and happier life.
I wish myself and you, like children, face the sea every day and spring blossoms. Be yourself, believe in yourself, face yourself and be bohemian!