Has love become a luxury product? Great love stories are all about separation
From studying Chinese in college to hosting the program "A Date with a Good Film" on CCTV6, I read a large number of Chinese and foreign literary classics and Classic movie. I found that the truly great love stories in this world are all about separation, such as Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai, Jia Baoyu and Lin Daiyu, Romeo and Juliet, and others such as "Gone with the Wind" and "The Blue Bridge" , "Roman Holiday", "Madison Bridge", "Titanic"...
Separation seems to be the most powerful glue of love. The farther the distance, the more hopeless it is to meet, the more lasting and beautiful the love will be. Regardless of separation in life or death, as long as two people never see each other again in this life, this relationship will become an eternal legend. So some philosophers lamented: "The only way to make a love survive forever is to completely separate the two people who love each other."
As early as in the "Book of Songs", the earliest poetry collection in ancient China, We have seen such a sad, lingering and poetic poem "Jianjia": "Jianjia is green, and the white dew is like frost. The so-called beauty is on the side of the water, tracing back and following it, the road is long and obstructed, tracing back and following it, it's like being there In the middle of the water..."
The eighteenth-century British poet Keats saw a beautiful ancient Greek urn and felt melancholy. For this reason, he wrote this poem: "Bold Lover, you can never, never kiss, even though you are getting closer to your goal..." On that beautiful ancient urn, a strong and brave man looked at his lover across the clay, paint and a hopeless void, The pain of never being able to get close to the lover becomes eternal through the poet's singing.
It seems that, no matter in ancient or modern times, at home or abroad, the most perfect and eternal "beautiful woman" seems to be placed on the side of the water, looked at by lovers from a distance, and sung by poets. As the saying goes: "Asking what love is in the world can directly teach you whether to live or die." Once the "sweetheart" happily falls into the trap of marriage and forms a good match, she will unfortunately become the red and white rose in Zhang Ailing's works: "Marry a red rose, and over time , the red became a smear of mosquito blood on the wall, the white was still the bright moonlight in front of the bed; married a white rose, the white became a grain of rice sticky on the clothes, but the red became a cinnabar mole on the heart. ”
If you take any one of the red and white roses, you will still be infatuated with it and devote your life to it. I am afraid that the writer can write it, but the readers may not believe it! In the new version of "The Legend of the Condor Heroes", Mr. Jin Yong recorded an interesting detail. A physicist made a very professional point about his one-way infatuation of Wanyan Honglie for Bao Xiruo, which persisted for eighteen years. He questioned: "Love is a two-way communication of emotion. It cannot flow in only one direction like a rectifier." He felt that Wanyan Honglie's love for Bao Xiruo was very uneconomical and the risk factor was too high. It was simply a miracle that was unlikely to happen. But Mr. Jin Yong replied: "It is recognized by literary critics in the world that the four greatest writers of all time are Homer, Shakespeare, Goethe, and Dante. However, the love written by these four great writers is a one-way street. "It's not a two-way communication." He also cited many examples: Homer's ruthless beauty Helen abandoned her husband and eloped with Paris; Shakespeare described his passionate and unforgettable love for a black beauty "Dark Lady" in his sonnets. A deep but unobtainable love; Goethe described the young Werther's despair for the engaged woman Charlotte and his crazy love that ended in suicide; Dante has had a unique love for a girl of the same age, Bebeatrice, since he was nine years old. Zhong, this unrequited love lasted his whole life. In the end, this girl became the great woman who guided him to roam hell, purgatory and heaven in his immortal masterpiece "The Divine Comedy".
Mr. Jin Yong praised one-way love, which was used to prove the rationality of Wanyan Honglie’s eighteen-year devotion to Bao Xiruo and his one-way dedication, but he also strongly explained that love is like a luxury. The more great, lasting and soul-stirring love is, the more one-way it is, the perfect state that can only be reached through separation and death.
Some readers may ask, is love just a legend for people to lament after dinner? Is there no kind of love that is two-way, does not require separation and death, and can never fade in the three hundred and sixty-five days of rice, oil, salt, sauce, vinegar and tea?
Yes, of course. I will talk about this in detail later. Here I want to talk about a question first, that is, when did the love that everyone once longed for become an elusive luxury? From luxury goods to consumables──Love that has unknowingly changed in quality over time
The so-called luxury goods are relative to daily necessities, and it is a term often used in economics. Luxury goods are usually higher-priced, high-quality products that are difficult for ordinary people to touch, such as luxury homes, cars, high-end jewelry, brand-name clothing, etc., while daily necessities are daily necessities and are indispensable for ordinary people to live their lives. Originally, love should be like daily necessities, something that everyone has the right and ability to obtain. But in a materialistic society, in the face of the reality of ever-changing emotions, love, a glass of wine that should be too strong to dissolve, has been ruthlessly diluted. Lasting forever has become a fantasy, and conditions and labels have been attached to love and marriage.
On the one hand, we are full of dreams and hopes for love, but on the other hand, we consider material scales and weights in our decisions. On the other hand, we have to resist the temptations of all kinds of sensuality outside. Love, originally a daily necessity in life, has become a luxury product under the sharp edge of reality.
For example, a fashion magazine with an astonishing circulation in mainland China recently declared loudly: "Love seems to be rampant, but it is actually the number one luxury product in the 21st century." Many polls show that nowadays, more and more people More and more urban men and women feel that "love is the best thing to have, and you can live without it." "Treat love as an ideal and marriage as a career" has gradually become a new slogan for mature women today. When we are in love, maybe we still know what love is, but when we start to get married, start to have children, when we have a house and a car, we gradually lose love.
That’s because──the long time has turned love into a consumable.
I remembered a best-selling book that was very popular a few years ago called "Who Moved My Cheese". Day after day, year after year, a piece of cheese named "life" unknowingly changes its taste; from the initial sweetness and endless aftertaste, to gradually sour, moldy, and tasteless. However, few people are aware of the subtle changes in this process. Until one day, they find that it has completely deteriorated, and they regret it.
The same is true for love. It is said that the thing called love is actually a substance that can only last one and a half to three years in the human body: in the deep center of the human brain, Cupid's arrow, called "dopamine", is stored. When a man and woman love each other, the neurotransmitter dopamine in the hypothalamus of the brain is continuously secreted and flows out unstoppably. Then, we have the feeling of love. If you don't see each other for a while, you will miss each other endlessly. This is what the Book of Songs says, "One day without seeing you is like three autumn months."
Unfortunately, however, our bodies cannot withstand this stimulant-like ingredient all the time***, which means that a person cannot stay at the peak of tachycardia forever. So at a certain point, the brain has no choice but to cancel this idea and let those chemical components metabolize naturally under its own control. Such an exciting process usually lasts from one and a half to three years. According to statistics, the average period of strong dopamine secretion is thirty months. As dopamine decreases and disappears, the brain becomes calmer. In other words, the love between a man and a woman can generally only last thirty months. When it is washed away by the era of time that washes away everything, boredom and mediocrity replace passion and mystery. Love is mixed with firewood, rice, oil, salt, chickens and goose fights. If you are lucky, it can also be used as "daily necessities", and most of them are not. It has become a "consumable product", and unfortunately, it can only be reduced to a "scrap product". How many people have had affairs and divorces, isn’t it because their love for each other has been exhausted? If marriage is compared to a car tire, love is the gas inside. If love is gone, the tire will be in danger of being scrapped if it is not inflated in time. Some people make up for it while others simply replace it with a new spare tire.
Originally a daily necessities that everyone needs, they have evolved into expensive luxuries that can only be seen in love stories, and then become ruthless consumables in married life and useless in cases of affair and divorce. As a scrap product, love has unknowingly changed its quality under the exposure of time.
Tolstoy once said: "Happy families are all alike, and every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I have been questioning Tolstoy's popular classic saying: Happy families Are families really "happy" all the time? What does so-called happiness rely on to maintain? Why do novelists, poets, dramatists and even film masters from all over the world, both at home and abroad, sing heartily about love between life and death, but rarely praise happy families? Why do fairy tales end abruptly except for telling us "the prince and the princess lived happily ever after" at the end? As for how the two of them are "happy, sweet, and harmonious" but it is "unclear" - why some film and television works depicting married life make us unable to get excited or romantic, but there is some kind of revelation. Scar-like pain?
Do you still remember the American Oscar-winning classic movie called "Krama vs. Kramer"? In it, Joanna, a wife who has been married for ten years and is still as beautiful as ever, suddenly kisses her sleeping child early one morning and then leaves without saying goodbye. Later we learn that the reason why she is so "unfeeling" is that she cannot stand the triviality of married life. But her husband always used his busy work as an excuse to neglect and ignore her, the children and even the family for a long time.
Do you still remember the New Year film "Mobile Phone" directed by Feng Xiaogang? It was originally a comedy film released during the Lunar New Year, but the audience did not laugh heartily after watching it, but felt a little bitter. That is because the TV host played by Ge You blatantly used a modern communication tool such as a mobile phone to engage in Had an extramarital affair. One of his colleagues, a senior planner played by Zhang Guoli, actually used the ridiculous aesthetic term "aesthetic fatigue" to his wife, who has lived under the same roof for more than 20 years.
This has to make us think, why does beautiful love collapse once it is attacked by marriage and daily life? Why do some men who originally moved forward under the banner of love quickly rebel and fall into the "mistress" camp when pursued and intercepted by the "bomb disposal unit" of marriage (specialized in destroying the "bomb" of love)? Why did the former passionate lover gradually transform into a husband who was tired of aesthetics?
Perhaps Joanna is trusting someone else? Maybe the TV host played by Ge You is not strong-willed enough to resist the temptation outside?
No, neither. Whether Joanna or the host played by Ge You, they are all the most ordinary people in the world. They did not destroy their marriages and love because of any specific "evil". Because of this, Their stories aroused the excitement of so many audiences. I believe that what makes these ordinary people's "love cheese" gradually rot in marriage and daily life is not "evil", but "blandness" and "laziness". It is an "unwise sword" that mistakenly cuts them off. Love silk. Be a "Three Don's" woman: Prevent the "Sword of Unwisdom" from mistakenly cutting off love threads
Readers may say that you are wrong, that is called "the sword of wisdom cutting off love threads". I want to say, no, most people's love and marriage tragedies are caused by a "sword of unwiseness" that mistakenly cuts off the love thread. The name of this sword is "Sword of Damocles".
In ancient Greece there was a king named Dionysius, who ruled the richest city in Sicily. He lived in a beautiful palace, filled with countless wonderful and priceless treasures. A large group of attendants are waiting on both sides, waiting for orders at any time. The king had a friend named Damocles. He often said to the king: "How lucky you are. You have everything people want. You must be the happiest person in the world." One day, the king got tired of hearing this. Then he said to Damocles: "Do you really think that I am happier than others? Then I am willing to change places with you." So Damocles put on the royal robe, put on the golden crown, and did The table in the banquet hall was filled with delicious food. Flowers, fine wine, rare perfumes, and moving music were all there. He felt that he was the happiest person in the world. When he raised his wine glass, he suddenly found a sharp sword hanging upside down from the ceiling, with the tip almost touching his head. Damocles' body froze and his smile disappeared. His face turned pale and his hands trembled. I don't want to eat or drink, I just want to escape from the palace, as far away as possible. The king said: "What's the matter, my friend? Are you afraid of that sword that may fall off at any time? I see it hanging over my head every day. Maybe someone or something will cut off the thin thread at any time. . Maybe a minister covets my power and wants to kill me. Maybe someone spreads rumors to turn the people against me. Maybe the king of a neighboring country will send troops to seize my throne. Maybe my decision-making mistakes force me to abdicate. If you want to rule Otherwise, you must take various risks, and risks are always associated with power." Damocles said: "Yes, I understand, in addition to wealth and honor, you have many worries. Please come back. Come to your throne, and I will return to my home." From then on, Damocles cherished his life very much.
In everyone’s love and marriage life, even if we are as happy as the king in the story, as long as we look up and look with our hearts, we can still see an invisible, dangerous, and shaky hand. The Sword of Damocles hangs over the head with a horsehair or hair. For kings, risk and power coexist; for lovers, risk and happiness coexist. However, friends who have happily found love and successfully entered into marriage are often blurred by the ordinary happy time day after day, so they are not aware of the existence of risks until the Sword of Damocles It was only when he fell down and cut off his love that he regretted it.
Therefore, for women who value happy love and marriage more than men, if they want to have a perfect love and maintain a lifelong happy marriage, they must remind themselves of this at all times. The existence of the sword. Only by achieving this, love will neither be a luxury that can be obtained through separation and death, nor will it gradually become a consumable or even a scrap product over time.
For such women, love will maintain its fresh charm throughout their lives. They will not lose their estimation of risks in happiness and ignore the cheese of love just because they have obtained marriage and love. shelf life.
I remember that one year at the Spring Festival Gala, Song Dandan lamented in the sketch "Speaking of Things" in front of the national audience: "Women, be harsher on yourself!" As soon as this statement came out, it was immediately criticized. Many women follow his example and begin to have "strict" requirements on themselves. At the same time, there are also some people who are quite disdainful of this. In fact, the so-called "cruelty" is not the kind of ruthlessness that shows "the most poisonous woman's heart", but a kind of "cruelty" that is determined to overcome all difficulties, a kind of "cruelty" that is not in the position of love and marriage. The sobriety of losing yourself, a kind of strength to be a little "cruel" to yourself and a little "cruel" to the man you love most. Because women, especially Eastern women who are deeply influenced by the concept of good wives and loving mothers, can easily become blindly invested in the relationship between the sexes and lose focus. In the end, they are exhausted both mentally and physically, and neither keep their husbands nor their marriages (about this issue, later in this article) will also be discussed).
Therefore, this book is dedicated to women who do not know how to be "cruel" to themselves and to be "cruel" to the man they love the most; "ruthless" women are strong and wise, and they are popular Roses are also white roses, but they will not turn into a smear of mosquito blood on the wall or a grain of rice on the body because of the passage of time. Perfect love and marriage do not make them lose their roots and soil, and they do not need to experience life. Despite separation and death, they still stretch and grow freely. They often stay with their families on this side of the shore, bringing warmth and comfort to each other. They often watch and look at each other across the water from their lovers.
They will break the curse of separation to achieve great love.
They are all around us.
They are women who are secretive in their thoughts, unpredictable in their character, and erratic in their actions. I call such women "three no's" women. Even in ordinary daily life, they make men dream about marriage. They never rely on men and will not become accessories to men's material life and spiritual world. They have a "brutal energy" in them, which makes them stable in career, love and marriage. Under their confidence and wisdom, love is no longer a consumable or luxury item, but a daily necessity.
"Three No's" women not only survive in love stories of life and death, but also live in a happy marriage. However, we have often ignored the existence of such women, or even if we see their charm, we don't know how to define them and imitate them, so that they are always so rare and alone.
So, what is the charm of "Three Don's" women that attracts men for a long time? Why can they not only achieve phoenix nirvana in the love story of life and death, but also achieve eternal life in the real emotions and marriages they face every day? Why is it that a woman who is "hard" to herself and her man will make a perfect love last longer? Which women in history and reality can be called "three no" women? If you are interested in these, I hope you have time to read this book. Mystery, freshness and distance are the preservatives that maintain the relationship between the sexes
The concept of "three no's" for women is closely related to my last book.
After my other book "Before Falling in Love, See Through a Man's Achilles' heel" (simplified version of the book is titled "Men Are Wild Animals, Women Are Nesting Animals") was released, I received many comments from readers. Letters. Among these letters, some were supportive, some were inquiring, some were doubtful, and some were opposed. In short, there are different opinions and no consensus. Among them, the concept of "three no's" women is talked about more. In the first chapter of the last book, I put forward the point of view: What kind of woman makes men dream and worry about her the most, so much that they never leave her? I think she is neither a beautiful woman with outstanding appearance nor a gentle and virtuous lady, but a woman who is secretive, elusive and erratic. I call this kind of woman "the three bad women".
However, where does the true charm of a woman with the "Three Nos" lie? How to become a "three no" woman? How to implement the "three no's" principle of being "hidden, elusive, and erratic" after falling in love with a man or even getting married? Due to space limitations, I did not fully explain it, and therefore caused many readers to misunderstand. A female reader wrote to me in an email: "I have read the whole book N times, but I still haven't grasped the "three noes" of women... You only think about what you can't get, but what about after you get it? Or rather If you can't get it, over time, you will unconsciously define it as "unavailable" when you meet that kind of woman. Then will you look for the most ordinary woman again? "Some readers also think that the so-called "three" "No" is a mysterious and unrealistic idea for women. Some people even think that this is a bad trick to promote extramarital affairs and encourage women to become "mistresses". These questions also forced me to think and explore further, so this book came into being.
In this book, you will see that based on a large number of real life and gender consultation cases, I have concluded that women with the "three no's" are men's favorites. Mystery, freshness and distance are the preservatives that maintain the relationship between the sexes. I think that if a woman wants to achieve a happy love and marriage, she does not rely on beauty, virtuousness, or love alone, but a spirit of "three noes": that is, keeping her thoughts hidden, Make him unpredictable in character and always erratic in action. This kind of "three no's" spirit will firmly capture a man's heart and make him loyal and unswerving to you for the rest of his life. This kind of woman is the so-called "three no's" woman. As for why beauty, wisdom and love are not weapons to subjugate men, you will know after reading this book carefully.
Some readers may disagree. They think that love and marriage between men and women rely on heart-to-heart communication, rather than playing tricks and making mysteries. In fact, this is a serious attitude towards women with the "three noes". misunderstanding. Didn’t you see that the extramarital affairs and divorce rates remain high nowadays? Apart from responsibilities and family affection, love has completely disappeared between many middle-aged couples. The seven-year itch is unavoidable. Sexless marriages (referring to couples who still live together, but basically There are more and more people who no longer have sex. Isn’t it the result of each other not paying attention to "keeping it fresh"? Some people may say that the so-called "three no's" are too difficult for women to do.
I will mention in the book that she is not born with it, but is slowly cultivated (I will also mention many of the "three no's" skills in subsequent articles). The spirit of "Three No's" is not a love game played by gods and ghosts, but a necessary equipment to keep love fresh.
I remember one time I went to a club for overseas Chinese to give a lecture on gender, and I also mentioned the concept of "three no's" for women. A single man in his thirties who was present said on the spot: "I don't like any 'three no' women. Isn't it tiring to deal with this kind of woman? They are all liked by boys in their early twenties, and they don't like me." It doesn’t work for men of this age. I think two people are attracted to each other and have a good rapport."
According to others, this man is a "returnee from England" who studied in the UK and started his own business after returning to China. , opened an advertising company, and the income was pretty good, but he just had high vision, and so far he has not even found a satisfactory girlfriend. Soon, I heard that he was in love. I happened to meet him on MSN and asked about it. He said that the girl was originally one of his clients. She was not particularly beautiful in appearance, but she had a temperament and style that attracted him. I asked him what his temperament and style were, but he couldn't describe it. He just said: "Anyway, it's an elusive flavor, just like a famous painting. People can't help but try to figure it out carefully after seeing it." , this feeling fascinated him. Not long after, they fell in love, and not long after that, they got married. After listening to his description, I felt happy. Isn't this what I call the "three noes" woman? He said before that he didn't like this type of woman, but in the end he was subdued by this type of woman without knowing it.
This reminds me of reading Jin Yong’s martial arts novels in my youth. Even though I couldn’t put it down, I was also surprised: why can’t the dull Guo Jing be separated from the playful Huang Rong? The domineering Zhao Min falls in love with the indecisive Zhang Wuji? Why is Qiao Feng, a man who stands tall in the world, completely melted by the petite and charming A'Zhu? Wei Xiaobao fell in love with everyone he met, but after meeting A Ke, why did he become as incurable as if he had a terminal disease? A few years later, when I re-read Jin Yong's works, I suddenly realized, isn't this the "one thing brings down another thing" that we usually talk about? In the past, Yuan Haowen, a poet of the Jin Dynasty, had a poem that said: "Ask what love is in the world? It teaches you how to make love between life and death!" However, ordinary real life is not a novel life, and not every relationship is earth-shattering, weeping ghosts and gods. Death is promised, but "one thing subdues another" is like the golden monkey subduing the demon, or like Tang Sanzang using a tight curse to cure Sun Wukong. He is both obedient and willing, and it is difficult to part with him.
In fact, the so-called "one thing drops another thing" is not a fashionable phrase that came out of nowhere, but a commonplace old saying, which has been used many times in classical novels such as "Journey to the West" and "Feng Shen Bang". appears. In the laboratory, each creature has its own natural enemies that are designed to conquer it. In martial arts novels, every poison has a corresponding antidote. Isn't this the case in a love group? A woman subdues a destined man, and a man subdues a destined woman. In this wheel of fate, it turns a thousand times, entangled and entangled. Whether there is an injustice, there is an owner, whether it is an intimate lover, or a permanent couple, it is a mixture of love and hate. They are lovers, irreconcilable enemies, and destined nemesis. In this sense, the "three no's" women are women who are good at subduing men in love. For example, Lin Daiyu, Jane Eyre, Huang Rong and Xiao Longnu are all typical "three no's" women. In other words, you want the man you like to be loyal to you and consistent, and you want your relationship and marriage to avoid "aesthetic fatigue". Being a "three no" woman is a wise way to do it. choose.
As the saying goes, "hit the snake seven inches, and catch the person's weak spot." It's like two martial arts masters fighting each other. One of them uses a secret technique to hit the opponent's key acupuncture points. Why don't you bow your head and submit obediently? So, let me sum it up, asking what love is in the world, it is just one thing falling for another. As long as you hold the lifeline of your beloved, you are not afraid that he (she) will not be yours! As for how to deduct the method, readers please read on!
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This article is authorized to publish the culture of self-love/Zeng Zihang "If women are not cruel, men will not be good!" 》 "If women are not cruel, men will not be good!" 》